Supercommunicators: How to Talk So People Listen

I think that we don't spend enough time I think that we don't spend enough time asking the qu the audience to speak so asking the qu the audience to speak so asking the qu the audience to speak so one of the things you know much like you one of the things you know much like you one of the things you know much like you I've been giving giving speeches for I've been giving giving speeches for I've been giving giving speeches for about 10 years now and and the typical about 10 years now and and the typical about 10 years now and and the typical situation is I'm hired at some situation is I'm hired at some situation is I'm hired at some conference it's like three to 5 thousand conference it's like three to 5 thousand conference it's like three to 5 thousand people right and and I'm basically the people right and and I'm basically the people right and and I'm basically the entertainment like they want some smart entertainment like they want some smart entertainment like they want some smart entertainment and with this book got a entertainment and with this book got a entertainment and with this book got a couple of jokes you got exactly here's couple of jokes you got exactly here's couple of jokes you got exactly here's here's a funny here's an interesting here's a funny here's an interesting here's a funny here's an interesting story that makes you story that makes you story that makes you think but with this speech because it's think but with this speech because it's think but with this speech because it's about about communication I've been about about communication I've been about about communication I've been doing a lot more there's actually an doing a lot more there's actually an doing a lot more there's actually an exercise that we do where you turn to exercise that we do where you turn to exercise that we do where you turn to the person next to them and you have a the person next to them and you have a the person next to them and you have a conversation with them for for five conversation with them for for five conversation with them for for five minutes um and the entire audience will minutes um and the entire audience will minutes um and the entire audience will do this we've done this with like 10,000 do this we've done this with like 10,000 do this we've done this with like 10,000 people in an audience it's really and people in an audience it's really and people in an audience it's really and the question you ask and answer is the question you ask and answer is the question you ask and answer is when's the last time you cried in front when's the last time you cried in front when's the last time you cried in front of another person so they're really good of another person so they're really good of another person so they're really good conversations but what I do afterwards conversations but what I do afterwards conversations but what I do afterwards is I say okay look you just had this is I say okay look you just had this is I say okay look you just had this experience tell me what it was like like experience tell me what it was like like experience tell me what it was like like don't tell me the content is anyone in don't tell me the content is anyone in don't tell me the content is anyone in this room willing to tell me like kind this room willing to tell me like kind this room willing to tell me like kind of what that was like and 30 or 50 hands of what that was like and 30 or 50 hands of what that was like and 30 or 50 hands go up go up go up and we might spend 10 or 15 minutes and we might spend 10 or 15 minutes and we might spend 10 or 15 minutes having people describe the experience having people describe the experience having people describe the experience they just had and afterwards people will they just had and afterwards people will they just had and afterwards people will tell you that was their favorite part of tell you that was their favorite part of tell you that was their favorite part of the speech they they don't like the speech they they don't like the speech they they don't like listening to me they like listening to listening to me they like listening to listening to me they like listening to the guy sitting next to them or the the guy sitting next to them or the the guy sitting next to them or the woman sitting next to them they like woman sitting next to them they like woman sitting next to them they like someone saying here's an experience I someone saying here's an experience I someone saying here's an experience I had because they say I've had that had because they say I've had that had because they say I've had that experience right I think that as a experience right I think that as a experience right I think that as a public speaker we tend to think of public speaker we tend to think of public speaker we tend to think of ourselves as an oracle as a fountain of ourselves as an oracle as a fountain of ourselves as an oracle as a fountain of knowledge mhm what we really are is

knowledge mhm what we really are is knowledge mhm what we really are is we're a Master of we're a Master of we're a Master of Ceremonies and the the the ceremony the Ceremonies and the the the ceremony the Ceremonies and the the the ceremony the ACT is all the other people in the room ACT is all the other people in the room ACT is all the other people in the room welcome to the car newoff leadership welcome to the car newoff leadership welcome to the car newoff leadership podcast on YouTube hey if you're brand podcast on YouTube hey if you're brand podcast on YouTube hey if you're brand new here subscribe because you're going new here subscribe because you're going new here subscribe because you're going to get leaders like Charles doig and Jim to get leaders like Charles doig and Jim to get leaders like Charles doig and Jim Collins and Malcolm Gladwell and Nona Collins and Malcolm Gladwell and Nona Collins and Malcolm Gladwell and Nona Jones and a whole lot of others if you Jones and a whole lot of others if you Jones and a whole lot of others if you subscribe hey today we do have Charles subscribe hey today we do have Charles subscribe hey today we do have Charles doig and we're going to talk about being doig and we're going to talk about being doig and we're going to talk about being being a super Communicator so maybe being a super Communicator so maybe being a super Communicator so maybe you've read his book super communicators you've read his book super communicators you've read his book super communicators it's really about connecting with people it's really about connecting with people it's really about connecting with people but Charles and I talk to those of you but Charles and I talk to those of you but Charles and I talk to those of you who are on a stage on a regular basis who are on a stage on a regular basis who are on a stage on a regular basis you know if you're preaching if you're a you know if you're preaching if you're a you know if you're preaching if you're a public Communicator how do you take his public Communicator how do you take his public Communicator how do you take his research and apply it to our craft plus research and apply it to our craft plus research and apply it to our craft plus we're going to cover a lot more hey we're going to cover a lot more hey we're going to cover a lot more hey today's episode is brought to you by my today's episode is brought to you by my today's episode is brought to you by my art of leadership academy did you know art of leadership academy did you know art of leadership academy did you know that we've got live coaching calls that we've got live coaching calls that we've got live coaching calls inside the academy every single month inside the academy every single month inside the academy every single month and this month you will get a chance to and this month you will get a chance to and this month you will get a chance to connect live with Patrick lenion connect live with Patrick lenion connect live with Patrick lenion so to join in on it and to see a list of so to join in on it and to see a list of so to join in on it and to see a list of the upcoming calls and speakers click on the upcoming calls and speakers click on the upcoming calls and speakers click on the link of the description of this the link of the description of this the link of the description of this episode wherever you're watching or episode wherever you're watching or episode wherever you're watching or visit the artof leadership academy.com visit the artof leadership academy.com visit the artof leadership academy.com and if you get in right now you can join and if you get in right now you can join and if you get in right now you can join Pat and me for the August coaching call Pat and me for the August coaching call Pat and me for the August coaching call you'll be there live you can ask Pat you'll be there live you can ask Pat you'll be there live you can ask Pat your questions live Patrick l this month your questions live Patrick l this month your questions live Patrick l this month in the academy don't miss it and today's in the academy don't miss it and today's in the academy don't miss it and today's episode is brought to you by glue in episode is brought to you by glue in episode is brought to you by glue in less than 10 minutes you can set up less than 10 minutes you can set up less than 10 minutes you can set up simple automations that welcome new simple automations that welcome new simple automations that welcome new visitors build your prayer culture and visitors build your prayer culture and visitors build your prayer culture and do do a whole lot more and you do it by do do a whole lot more and you do it by do do a whole lot more and you do it by text so simply go to glue. usfree

text so simply go to glue. usfree text so simply go to glue. usfree texting to create a free texting account texting to create a free texting account texting to create a free texting account and learn more and now my conversation and learn more and now my conversation and learn more and now my conversation with Charles doohi well Charles it's with Charles doohi well Charles it's with Charles doohi well Charles it's great to have you back welcome thank you great to have you back welcome thank you great to have you back welcome thank you so much this is really a pleasure yeah so much this is really a pleasure yeah so much this is really a pleasure yeah so you can go in a lot of different so you can go in a lot of different so you can go in a lot of different directions uh and I want to get into why directions uh and I want to get into why directions uh and I want to get into why you wrote the book but it seems to be you wrote the book but it seems to be you wrote the book but it seems to be culturally we're in a moment where maybe culturally we're in a moment where maybe culturally we're in a moment where maybe we're doing this we're not really we're doing this we're not really we're doing this we're not really understanding each other particularly understanding each other particularly understanding each other particularly well anymore we're talk I've noticed well anymore we're talk I've noticed well anymore we're talk I've noticed even like the death of conversation even like the death of conversation even like the death of conversation we're not really I'm not talking to you we're not really I'm not talking to you we're not really I'm not talking to you I'm talking at you what have you noticed I'm talking at you what have you noticed I'm talking at you what have you noticed in terms of some Trends in in terms of some Trends in in terms of some Trends in communication uh as you got ready it's communication uh as you got ready it's communication uh as you got ready it's interesting because we're living through interesting because we're living through interesting because we're living through this golden age of understanding this golden age of understanding this golden age of understanding communication because in the last decade communication because in the last decade communication because in the last decade because of advances in neural Imaging because of advances in neural Imaging because of advances in neural Imaging and data collection we now know more and data collection we now know more and data collection we now know more about what happens inside our brain when about what happens inside our brain when about what happens inside our brain when we're talking to someone than ever we're talking to someone than ever we're talking to someone than ever before but the same time you're exactly before but the same time you're exactly before but the same time you're exactly right we are living through this period right we are living through this period right we are living through this period of of of polarization and and part of it is that polarization and and part of it is that polarization and and part of it is that you know when your and I parents went to you know when your and I parents went to you know when your and I parents went to to middle school and high school they to middle school and high school they to middle school and high school they took a class called uh home economics or took a class called uh home economics or took a class called uh home economics or interpersonal relationships or something interpersonal relationships or something interpersonal relationships or something like that you know church I know many of like that you know church I know many of like that you know church I know many of the listeners are church leaders church the listeners are church leaders church the listeners are church leaders church membership used to be a given and you membership used to be a given and you membership used to be a given and you would go to church and one of the would go to church and one of the would go to church and one of the wonderful things about church is you wonderful things about church is you wonderful things about church is you would be sitting down next to someone would be sitting down next to someone would be sitting down next to someone who who who you he lives in a different neighborhood you he lives in a different neighborhood you he lives in a different neighborhood maybe votes for a different party does a maybe votes for a different party does a maybe votes for a different party does a different kind of job maybe different different kind of job maybe different different kind of job maybe different socioeconomic and the only thing you

socioeconomic and the only thing you socioeconomic and the only thing you really have in common is that you're really have in common is that you're really have in common is that you're both in the same congregation together both in the same congregation together both in the same congregation together and so we had a lot of Education about and so we had a lot of Education about and so we had a lot of Education about communication we had a lot of communication we had a lot of communication we had a lot of opportunities to practice opportunities to practice opportunities to practice communication and communication was seen communication and communication was seen communication and communication was seen as something that is really important to as something that is really important to as something that is really important to America into the world now since then by America into the world now since then by America into the world now since then by the time you and I were in middle school the time you and I were in middle school the time you and I were in middle school and high school that had fallen out of and high school that had fallen out of and high school that had fallen out of curriculums right which is fine because curriculums right which is fine because curriculums right which is fine because they was sort of replaced by more they was sort of replaced by more they was sort of replaced by more technical topics and we now live in a technical topics and we now live in a technical topics and we now live in a world where you you could still be a world where you you could still be a world where you you could still be a member of a church and never sit in that member of a church and never sit in that member of a church and never sit in that in that congregation again right you can in that congregation again right you can in that congregation again right you can do it all sort of by Zoom you we don't do it all sort of by Zoom you we don't do it all sort of by Zoom you we don't belong to Rotary clubs and to to belong to Rotary clubs and to to belong to Rotary clubs and to to Oddfellows clubs the way that we used to Oddfellows clubs the way that we used to Oddfellows clubs the way that we used to and so as a result not only have we and so as a result not only have we and so as a result not only have we stopped learning how to communicate stopped learning how to communicate stopped learning how to communicate we've also lost some opportunities to we've also lost some opportunities to we've also lost some opportunities to practice it and as a result because we practice it and as a result because we practice it and as a result because we fallen out of fallen out of fallen out of practice we're just rusty at it but the practice we're just rusty at it but the practice we're just rusty at it but the truth of the matter is and this is the truth of the matter is and this is the truth of the matter is and this is the good news is it's not hard to get better good news is it's not hard to get better good news is it's not hard to get better at it it's just a set of skills and once at it it's just a set of skills and once at it it's just a set of skills and once you recognize those skills they're you recognize those skills they're you recognize those skills they're really easy to practice do you think really easy to practice do you think really easy to practice do you think this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine and this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine and this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine and we can move on um you know into some we can move on um you know into some we can move on um you know into some other subjects but I do feel like we're other subjects but I do feel like we're other subjects but I do feel like we're talking past each other more in the last talking past each other more in the last talking past each other more in the last say 10 or 15 years right so a couple of say 10 or 15 years right so a couple of say 10 or 15 years right so a couple of things number one in a smaller things number one in a smaller things number one in a smaller non-online World which I have a memory non-online World which I have a memory non-online World which I have a memory of you sort of have the people around of you sort of have the people around of you sort of have the people around you and like you say you're forced to you and like you say you're forced to you and like you say you're forced to interact with them now I can interact

interact with them now I can interact interact with them now I can interact with whoever I choose I can find people with whoever I choose I can find people with whoever I choose I can find people who agree with me but I'm also used to who agree with me but I'm also used to who agree with me but I'm also used to posting updates so this what everything posting updates so this what everything posting updates so this what everything from you know stereotypically this is from you know stereotypically this is from you know stereotypically this is what I had to lunch for lunch to here's what I had to lunch for lunch to here's what I had to lunch for lunch to here's what I think about X and I've noticed what I think about X and I've noticed what I think about X and I've noticed that a lot of communication and in super that a lot of communication and in super that a lot of communication and in super communicators you really go in a very communicators you really go in a very communicators you really go in a very different direction than what I'm going different direction than what I'm going different direction than what I'm going to suggest now um is I a status update to suggest now um is I a status update to suggest now um is I a status update then you give a status update that isn't then you give a status update that isn't then you give a status update that isn't related to what I just said is that related to what I just said is that related to what I just said is that actually a trend in communication or am actually a trend in communication or am actually a trend in communication or am I just in the wrong circles uh what have I just in the wrong circles uh what have I just in the wrong circles uh what have you seen I think it is and I think I you seen I think it is and I think I you seen I think it is and I think I think in addition to that status update think in addition to that status update think in addition to that status update that it's crossed that that the other that it's crossed that that the other that it's crossed that that the other thing that happens that's similar to thing that happens that's similar to thing that happens that's similar to that is a feeling that if somebody says that is a feeling that if somebody says that is a feeling that if somebody says something that I disagree with or that something that I disagree with or that something that I disagree with or that that isn't true of me that I need to that isn't true of me that I need to that isn't true of me that I need to witness my own experience right I need witness my own experience right I need witness my own experience right I need to that that simply listening to you and to that that simply listening to you and to that that simply listening to you and understanding you if you're saying understanding you if you're saying understanding you if you're saying things that I might not agree with is things that I might not agree with is things that I might not agree with is not enough that I need to voice my my not enough that I need to voice my my not enough that I need to voice my my differences and I think that this gets differences and I think that this gets differences and I think that this gets at what is the goal of conversation at what is the goal of conversation at what is the goal of conversation right because the goal of of an online right because the goal of of an online right because the goal of of an online update is very different from the goal update is very different from the goal update is very different from the goal of conversation when you and I talk to of conversation when you and I talk to of conversation when you and I talk to each other in a each other in a each other in a conversation my goal should not be to conversation my goal should not be to conversation my goal should not be to convince you that I'm right and you're convince you that I'm right and you're convince you that I'm right and you're wrong my goal should not be to share my wrong my goal should not be to share my wrong my goal should not be to share my experience entirely with you if it's not experience entirely with you if it's not experience entirely with you if it's not interesting to you my goal should not be interesting to you my goal should not be interesting to you my goal should not be to convince you that you ought to like to convince you that you ought to like to convince you that you ought to like me or that I'm smart the goal of a me or that I'm smart the goal of a me or that I'm smart the goal of a conversation is simply to understand the

conversation is simply to understand the conversation is simply to understand the other person and to speak in such a way other person and to speak in such a way other person and to speak in such a way that they understand you and let's think that they understand you and let's think that they understand you and let's think back to those Church experiences right back to those Church experiences right back to those Church experiences right where you have people who sit down where you have people who sit down where you have people who sit down together and they believe in a common together and they believe in a common together and they believe in a common Faith but they have many other things in Faith but they have many other things in Faith but they have many other things in in in in difference if you and I vote for difference if you and I vote for difference if you and I vote for different parties and we have a different parties and we have a different parties and we have a conversation and I understand kind of conversation and I understand kind of conversation and I understand kind of why you support your guy and you why you support your guy and you why you support your guy and you understand why I support my guy and we understand why I support my guy and we understand why I support my guy and we both walk away both walk away both walk away still voting for different parties and still voting for different parties and still voting for different parties and thinking that like the other person that thinking that like the other person that thinking that like the other person that there's there's something about that the there's there's something about that the there's there's something about that the other person believes in that doesn't other person believes in that doesn't other person believes in that doesn't doesn't sit exactly with me right that doesn't sit exactly with me right that doesn't sit exactly with me right that conversation is still a huge success the conversation is still a huge success the conversation is still a huge success the goal of a conversation is not to agree goal of a conversation is not to agree goal of a conversation is not to agree with each other the goal of conversation with each other the goal of conversation with each other the goal of conversation is not even to find out things you have is not even to find out things you have is not even to find out things you have in common the goal of a conversation is in common the goal of a conversation is in common the goal of a conversation is to understand how this person sees the to understand how this person sees the to understand how this person sees the world and speak in such a way that they world and speak in such a way that they world and speak in such a way that they understand how I see the world and if understand how I see the world and if understand how I see the world and if you do that all the other stuff ends up you do that all the other stuff ends up you do that all the other stuff ends up happening right we inevitably do find happening right we inevitably do find happening right we inevitably do find something that we have in common we do something that we have in common we do something that we have in common we do find things that we agree on we might find things that we agree on we might find things that we agree on we might disagree with each other on politics or disagree with each other on politics or disagree with each other on politics or race or religion or X or Y or Z or who race or religion or X or Y or Z or who race or religion or X or Y or Z or who ought to win the you know the World ought to win the you know the World ought to win the you know the World Series but the fact that we have had Series but the fact that we have had Series but the fact that we have had this experience of connecting with each this experience of connecting with each this experience of connecting with each other feels really good it feels other feels really good it feels other feels really good it feels Redemptive and so those differences Redemptive and so those differences Redemptive and so those differences become less important and that's I think become less important and that's I think become less important and that's I think what's missing from a lot of the what's missing from a lot of the what's missing from a lot of the conversation right now the backstory to conversation right now the backstory to conversation right now the backstory to Super communicators was a little bit Super communicators was a little bit Super communicators was a little bit personal for you right was it was it a personal for you right was it was it a personal for you right was it was it a little bit of a selfish project not little bit of a selfish project not little bit of a selfish project not selfish like self explorator okay yeah selfish like self explorator okay yeah selfish like self explorator okay yeah all my books are selfish projects they all my books are selfish projects they all my books are selfish projects they all start with me trying to figure out

all start with me trying to figure out all start with me trying to figure out how to like how to improve something how to like how to improve something how to like how to improve something about myself so I fell into this bad about myself so I fell into this bad about myself so I fell into this bad pattern with my wife which is and I pattern with my wife which is and I pattern with my wife which is and I think this is probably familiar to think this is probably familiar to think this is probably familiar to anyone who's listening who's in a anyone who's listening who's in a anyone who's listening who's in a relationship I would come home from work relationship I would come home from work relationship I would come home from work after a long day and I would start after a long day and I would start after a long day and I would start complaining about my day and you know my complaining about my day and you know my complaining about my day and you know my boss is a jerk and my co-workers don't boss is a jerk and my co-workers don't boss is a jerk and my co-workers don't appreciate me and my wife very appreciate me and my wife very appreciate me and my wife very reasonably would offer some like good reasonably would offer some like good reasonably would offer some like good advice she would say something like oh advice she would say something like oh advice she would say something like oh you know you why don't you take your you know you why don't you take your you know you why don't you take your boss out to lunch and you guys can get boss out to lunch and you guys can get boss out to lunch and you guys can get to know each other a little bit better to know each other a little bit better to know each other a little bit better and instead of being able to hear what and instead of being able to hear what and instead of being able to hear what she was saying to me I would get even she was saying to me I would get even she was saying to me I would get even more upset and I would say like why more upset and I would say like why more upset and I would say like why aren't you supporting me you're supposed aren't you supporting me you're supposed aren't you supporting me you're supposed to be on my side you're supposed to be to be on my side you're supposed to be to be on my side you're supposed to be outraged on my behalf she would get outraged on my behalf she would get outraged on my behalf she would get upset because I was attacking her for upset because I was attacking her for upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice and and this giving me good advice and and this giving me good advice and and this happened frequently enough I mean this happened frequently enough I mean this happened frequently enough I mean this happens in every relationship right happens in every relationship right happens in every relationship right where the you're you're you you have where the you're you're you you have where the you're you're you you have what seems like a benign conversation it what seems like a benign conversation it what seems like a benign conversation it goes off the rails and so I went to um goes off the rails and so I went to um goes off the rails and so I went to um to these researchers and I asked them to these researchers and I asked them to these researchers and I asked them what's going on here and they said well what's going on here and they said well what's going on here and they said well here's one of the big things that we've here's one of the big things that we've here's one of the big things that we've discovered in the last discovered in the last discovered in the last decade we tend to think when we're decade we tend to think when we're decade we tend to think when we're having a discussion that we're talking having a discussion that we're talking having a discussion that we're talking about one thing right we're talking about one thing right we're talking about one thing right we're talking about our day or we're talking about about our day or we're talking about about our day or we're talking about where to go on vacation next year but where to go on vacation next year but where to go on vacation next year but actually every discussion is made up of actually every discussion is made up of actually every discussion is made up of multiple kinds of multiple kinds of multiple kinds of conversations and in general those conversations and in general those conversations and in general those conversations they tend to fall into one conversations they tend to fall into one conversations they tend to fall into one of three buckets there's these practical of three buckets there's these practical of three buckets there's these practical conversations where we're solving conversations where we're solving conversations where we're solving problems we're making plans but then problems we're making plans but then problems we're making plans but then there's also emotional conversations there's also emotional conversations there's also emotional conversations where I might tell you what I'm feeling where I might tell you what I'm feeling where I might tell you what I'm feeling and I don't want you to solve my and I don't want you to solve my and I don't want you to solve my feelings I want you to empathize and feelings I want you to empathize and feelings I want you to empathize and then there's social conversations which then there's social conversations which then there's social conversations which is about how we relate to each other and is about how we relate to each other and is about how we relate to each other and how we relate to society and they said

how we relate to society and they said how we relate to society and they said what we've discovered is if you are what we've discovered is if you are what we've discovered is if you are having different conversations at the having different conversations at the having different conversations at the same moment it is very very hard for you same moment it is very very hard for you same moment it is very very hard for you to connect with each other which is to connect with each other which is to connect with each other which is exactly what was happening with me and exactly what was happening with me and exactly what was happening with me and my wife right I was having an emotional my wife right I was having an emotional my wife right I was having an emotional conversation she was having a practical conversation she was having a practical conversation she was having a practical conversation they're both legitimate conversation they're both legitimate conversation they're both legitimate conversations but because there were conversations but because there were conversations but because there were different kinds of conversations we different kinds of conversations we different kinds of conversations we couldn't connect and so one of the big couldn't connect and so one of the big couldn't connect and so one of the big takeaways for me from this has been when takeaways for me from this has been when takeaways for me from this has been when you spend time just asking yourself what you spend time just asking yourself what you spend time just asking yourself what kind of conversation is happening here kind of conversation is happening here kind of conversation is happening here and then match the other person and and then match the other person and and then match the other person and invite them to match you what's known invite them to match you what's known invite them to match you what's known within psychology as the matching within psychology as the matching within psychology as the matching principle that for successful principle that for successful principle that for successful communication you must be having the communication you must be having the communication you must be having the same kind of conversation at the same same kind of conversation at the same same kind of conversation at the same time when you match each other you make time when you match each other you make time when you match each other you make it much more likely that you're going to it much more likely that you're going to it much more likely that you're going to find a way to connect even again if you find a way to connect even again if you find a way to connect even again if you don't agree with each other even if you don't agree with each other even if you don't agree with each other even if you have different priorities it's that have different priorities it's that have different priorities it's that connection that's really essential connection that's really essential connection that's really essential my wife and I were talking about that we my wife and I were talking about that we my wife and I were talking about that we recently did a marriage Retreat for recently did a marriage Retreat for recently did a marriage Retreat for young couples like basically our kids' young couples like basically our kids' young couples like basically our kids' age yeah in their late 20s early 30s it age yeah in their late 20s early 30s it age yeah in their late 20s early 30s it was amazing we're at this Ranch in was amazing we're at this Ranch in was amazing we're at this Ranch in Montana it was incredible and we talked Montana it was incredible and we talked Montana it was incredible and we talked about just that that there are times about just that that there are times about just that that there are times where she comes home or I come home and where she comes home or I come home and where she comes home or I come home and you're right it's often over dinner and you're right it's often over dinner and you're right it's often over dinner and Tony is her name my wife would say you Tony is her name my wife would say you Tony is her name my wife would say you know I'd be complaining about something know I'd be complaining about something know I'd be complaining about something and she'd give me advice and I'd be like and she'd give me advice and I'd be like and she'd give me advice and I'd be like no that's not helpful and we did that uh no that's not helpful and we did that uh no that's not helpful and we did that uh until we realized oh you're looking for until we realized oh you're looking for until we realized oh you're looking for empathy not advice you're looking for a empathy not advice you're looking for a empathy not advice you're looking for a listening a sounding board or someone to listening a sounding board or someone to listening a sounding board or someone to say oh I'm sorry you had a bad day uh I

say oh I'm sorry you had a bad day uh I say oh I'm sorry you had a bad day uh I hope it I hope it gets better how do you hope it I hope it gets better how do you hope it I hope it gets better how do you reframe that conversation like how how reframe that conversation like how how reframe that conversation like how how did you and your wife for example work did you and your wife for example work did you and your wife for example work through that did you did you and it's through that did you did you and it's through that did you did you and it's noting it's not just at home right this noting it's not just at home right this noting it's not just at home right this happens at work too right you give you happens at work too right you give you happens at work too right you give you give someone you give someone some like give someone you give someone some like give someone you give someone some like constructive criticism and you see this constructive criticism and you see this constructive criticism and you see this as a practical conversation I want to as a practical conversation I want to as a practical conversation I want to help you get better at your job but they help you get better at your job but they help you get better at your job but they are very much having an emotional are very much having an emotional are very much having an emotional they're they're feeling defensive they're they're feeling defensive they're they're feeling defensive they're feeling under attack they're they're feeling under attack they're they're feeling under attack they're feeling anxious and and if you don't feeling anxious and and if you don't feeling anxious and and if you don't recognize these different kinds of recognize these different kinds of recognize these different kinds of conversations you're at a real conversations you're at a real conversations you're at a real disadvantage so so the first question so disadvantage so so the first question so disadvantage so so the first question so when it's very easy when it's me and my when it's very easy when it's me and my when it's very easy when it's me and my wife when I come home now and I start wife when I come home now and I start wife when I come home now and I start complaining about work Liz will just ask complaining about work Liz will just ask complaining about work Liz will just ask me like she'll say something like you me like she'll say something like you me like she'll say something like you know do you want me to help you come up know do you want me to help you come up know do you want me to help you come up with solutions to this or do you just with solutions to this or do you just with solutions to this or do you just need to get this off your chest and just need to get this off your chest and just need to get this off your chest and just kind of vent for a little while and of kind of vent for a little while and of kind of vent for a little while and of course say like I just need a vent this course say like I just need a vent this course say like I just need a vent this isn't that big a deal like I just like isn't that big a deal like I just like isn't that big a deal like I just like want to like want to complain for a want to like want to complain for a want to like want to complain for a couple minutes so so you can often times couple minutes so so you can often times couple minutes so so you can often times just say what kind of conversation are just say what kind of conversation are just say what kind of conversation are you having now when it's at work when you having now when it's at work when you having now when it's at work when it's a little bit more sensitive when it's a little bit more sensitive when it's a little bit more sensitive when we're in a conflict situation that's we're in a conflict situation that's we're in a conflict situation that's harder and in those harder and in those harder and in those moments the best thing that we can do is moments the best thing that we can do is moments the best thing that we can do is we can ask a question and in fact we can ask a question and in fact we can ask a question and in fact there's a special kind of question known there's a special kind of question known there's a special kind of question known as a deep question that's really really as a deep question that's really really as a deep question that's really really powerful a deep question is something powerful a deep question is something powerful a deep question is something that asks me about my Val values or my that asks me about my Val values or my that asks me about my Val values or my beliefs or my beliefs or my beliefs or my experiences and and that can sound a experiences and and that can sound a experiences and and that can sound a little intimidating to ask but it's little intimidating to ask but it's little intimidating to ask but it's actually very straightforward and easy actually very straightforward and easy actually very straightforward and easy it's a simple as like if you meet it's a simple as like if you meet it's a simple as like if you meet someone and you say you know what do you someone and you say you know what do you someone and you say you know what do you do for a living oh I'm a doctor the next

do for a living oh I'm a doctor the next do for a living oh I'm a doctor the next natural question is oh where do you natural question is oh where do you natural question is oh where do you practice medicine but if instead you practice medicine but if instead you practice medicine but if instead you were to ask a deep question and ask were to ask a deep question and ask were to ask a deep question and ask something like oh what made you decide something like oh what made you decide something like oh what made you decide to go to medical school right when I do to go to medical school right when I do to go to medical school right when I do that what I'm doing is I'm inviting you that what I'm doing is I'm inviting you that what I'm doing is I'm inviting you to tell me who you are and you're going to tell me who you are and you're going to tell me who you are and you're going to tell me some important stuff you're to tell me some important stuff you're to tell me some important stuff you're going to tell me some stuff about what going to tell me some stuff about what going to tell me some stuff about what you care about you're going to tell me you care about you're going to tell me you care about you're going to tell me some stuff about how you make choices some stuff about how you make choices some stuff about how you make choices you're probably going to give me a you're probably going to give me a you're probably going to give me a little bit of biography about you and little bit of biography about you and little bit of biography about you and you're also going to tell me what kind you're also going to tell me what kind you're also going to tell me what kind of mindset you're in because the same of mindset you're in because the same of mindset you're in because the same person in one setting might say oh you person in one setting might say oh you person in one setting might say oh you know I wanted a job that was a steady know I wanted a job that was a steady know I wanted a job that was a steady job and there's always going to be a job and there's always going to be a job and there's always going to be a need for doctors so that's someone who's need for doctors so that's someone who's need for doctors so that's someone who's in a practical mindset right now right in a practical mindset right now right in a practical mindset right now right but that same person might say oh you but that same person might say oh you but that same person might say oh you know actually my dad got sick when I was know actually my dad got sick when I was know actually my dad got sick when I was a kid and I watched these doctors heal a kid and I watched these doctors heal a kid and I watched these doctors heal him and I wanted to be one of those him and I wanted to be one of those him and I wanted to be one of those healers that person's in much more healers that person's in much more healers that person's in much more emotional mindset so the key is to ask a emotional mindset so the key is to ask a emotional mindset so the key is to ask a question and this is particularly question and this is particularly question and this is particularly powerful when we're in a conflict powerful when we're in a conflict powerful when we're in a conflict there's this phrase I love if you're there's this phrase I love if you're there's this phrase I love if you're feeling Furious get curious because what feeling Furious get curious because what feeling Furious get curious because what it reminds us is in those moments when it reminds us is in those moments when it reminds us is in those moments when we are feeling heated when we are we are feeling heated when we are we are feeling heated when we are feeling worked up and we just want to feeling worked up and we just want to feeling worked up and we just want to make the argument we want to like force make the argument we want to like force make the argument we want to like force them to see things from our perspective them to see things from our perspective them to see things from our perspective they want we want to convince them that they want we want to convince them that they want we want to convince them that we're right if instead we ask a question we're right if instead we ask a question we're right if instead we ask a question we're going to be it's going to be much we're going to be it's going to be much we're going to be it's going to be much more effective at bringing us more effective at bringing us more effective at bringing us together so when I picked up the book together so when I picked up the book together so when I picked up the book when I first saw it released I thought I when I first saw it released I thought I when I first saw it released I thought I I I'll give you I give you this I I'll give you I give you this I I'll give you I give you this misconception just to see whether it's misconception just to see whether it's misconception just to see whether it's connected I thought super communicators

connected I thought super communicators connected I thought super communicators so I'm a public speaker I give talks at so I'm a public speaker I give talks at so I'm a public speaker I give talks at conferences I've been a preacher for conferences I've been a preacher for conferences I've been a preacher for years a lot of the audience is in years a lot of the audience is in years a lot of the audience is in similar space here I thought oh you're similar space here I thought oh you're similar space here I thought oh you're going to tell me how to give a great going to tell me how to give a great going to tell me how to give a great public talk what it's really about is public talk what it's really about is public talk what it's really about is human connection what it's really and human connection what it's really and human connection what it's really and and what it's really about is you and me and what it's really about is you and me and what it's really about is you and me having conversations one onone but I'm having conversations one onone but I'm having conversations one onone but I'm curious how much like if you follow what curious how much like if you follow what curious how much like if you follow what and this is an application question if and this is an application question if and this is an application question if you follow what we're about to talk you follow what we're about to talk you follow what we're about to talk about does any of that translate to about does any of that translate to about does any of that translate to becoming a better public speaker I think becoming a better public speaker I think becoming a better public speaker I think it does but but if you see that public it does but but if you see that public it does but but if you see that public speaking opportunity as a chance to have speaking opportunity as a chance to have speaking opportunity as a chance to have a conversation now there are times when a conversation now there are times when a conversation now there are times when I get up on a stage and you get up on a I get up on a stage and you get up on a I get up on a stage and you get up on a stage and someone gets In a Pulpit and stage and someone gets In a Pulpit and stage and someone gets In a Pulpit and and our goal is not necessar to have a and our goal is not necessar to have a and our goal is not necessar to have a conversation our goal is to share an conversation our goal is to share an conversation our goal is to share an idea with others right to say to say idea with others right to say to say idea with others right to say to say look I I I learned this important thing look I I I learned this important thing look I I I learned this important thing here's the part of the Bible we read here's the part of the Bible we read here's the part of the Bible we read this week I want to reflect on what this week I want to reflect on what this week I want to reflect on what Scholars have said about Scholars have said about Scholars have said about it and that's really powerful but it it and that's really powerful but it it and that's really powerful but it becomes even more powerful when it becomes even more powerful when it becomes even more powerful when it becomes a conversation and what happens becomes a conversation and what happens becomes a conversation and what happens in a conversation what's distinguishing in a conversation what's distinguishing in a conversation what's distinguishing about a conversation is that there is a about a conversation is that there is a about a conversation is that there is a back and forth now sometimes that back back and forth now sometimes that back back and forth now sometimes that back and forth can be verbal right sometimes and forth can be verbal right sometimes and forth can be verbal right sometimes right sometimes I can say you know who right sometimes I can say you know who right sometimes I can say you know who who in The Who in the audience has has who in The Who in the audience has has who in The Who in the audience has has had this experience and some people had this experience and some people had this experience and some people raise their hand I say tell me about it raise their hand I say tell me about it raise their hand I say tell me about it tell me what happened and we actually go tell me what happened and we actually go tell me what happened and we actually go back and forth sometimes we can't do back and forth sometimes we can't do back and forth sometimes we can't do that sometimes the crowd is too big it's that sometimes the crowd is too big it's that sometimes the crowd is too big it's just not the right setting but we can just not the right setting but we can just not the right setting but we can still have that conversation if we are

still have that conversation if we are still have that conversation if we are anticipating what the person is saying anticipating what the person is saying anticipating what the person is saying to to to themselves right when I bring up this themselves right when I bring up this themselves right when I bring up this idea and I say now I just made an idea and I say now I just made an idea and I say now I just made an argument and the objection that is argument and the objection that is argument and the objection that is probably in your head is this let me probably in your head is this let me probably in your head is this let me tell you what I think think about that tell you what I think think about that tell you what I think think about that wow then I'm drawing you into the wow then I'm drawing you into the wow then I'm drawing you into the conversation I'm actually having a conversation I'm actually having a conversation I'm actually having a conversation with you now you got to be conversation with you now you got to be conversation with you now you got to be pretty good at you got to be you got to pretty good at you got to be you got to pretty good at you got to be you got to be humble enough to say what's actually be humble enough to say what's actually be humble enough to say what's actually happening inside that person's head as happening inside that person's head as happening inside that person's head as opposed to what do I hope is happening opposed to what do I hope is happening opposed to what do I hope is happening inside their head because what I hope is inside their head because what I hope is inside their head because what I hope is happening inside their head is they're happening inside their head is they're happening inside their head is they're saying oh my God this preacher is the saying oh my God this preacher is the saying oh my God this preacher is the best person I've ever seen speak on a best person I've ever seen speak on a best person I've ever seen speak on a stage I I buy everything that they're stage I I buy everything that they're stage I I buy everything that they're saying but but the the humble truth is saying but but the the humble truth is saying but but the the humble truth is you're probably disagreeing with me you're probably disagreeing with me you're probably disagreeing with me you're probably saying uh I'm not sure you're probably saying uh I'm not sure you're probably saying uh I'm not sure why you're on that stage and I'm not on why you're on that stage and I'm not on why you're on that stage and I'm not on that that stage and when I engage with that that stage and when I engage with that that stage and when I engage with that I can have a conversation with you that I can have a conversation with you that I can have a conversation with you and the same principles all still apply and the same principles all still apply and the same principles all still apply so this is interesting I love to drill so this is interesting I love to drill so this is interesting I love to drill down with you there was a preacher a down with you there was a preacher a down with you there was a preacher a generation or two ago named David generation or two ago named David generation or two ago named David butrick and he had a phrase called a a butrick and he had a phrase called a a butrick and he had a phrase called a a contrapuntal and it's exactly what you contrapuntal and it's exactly what you contrapuntal and it's exactly what you just said which is I'm going to present just said which is I'm going to present just said which is I'm going to present a view it could be whatever it could be a view it could be whatever it could be a view it could be whatever it could be a theological point of view it could be a theological point of view it could be a theological point of view it could be a whatever and you find the objective a whatever and you find the objective a whatever and you find the objective that you think is going to be in the that you think is going to be in the that you think is going to be in the audience's head and you address it out audience's head and you address it out audience's head and you address it out loud now some of you may be thinking I loud now some of you may be thinking I loud now some of you may be thinking I can't believe in anything invisible or can't believe in anything invisible or can't believe in anything invisible or some of you might be thinking I can buy some of you might be thinking I can buy some of you might be thinking I can buy that Jesus was a good that Jesus was a good that Jesus was a good teacher rose from the dead are you teacher rose from the dead are you teacher rose from the dead are you kidding me or um you know uh you're

kidding me or um you know uh you're kidding me or um you know uh you're probably thinking the rules don't apply probably thinking the rules don't apply probably thinking the rules don't apply to you when it comes to burnout well to you when it comes to burnout well to you when it comes to burnout well what if they do right so it it's is is what if they do right so it it's is is what if they do right so it it's is is it some of that is it is is that's it some of that is it is is that's it some of that is it is is that's absolutely a part of it that's absolutely a part of it that's absolutely a part of it that's absolutely part of it is is that trying absolutely part of it is is that trying absolutely part of it is is that trying to put yourself in your audience's shoes to put yourself in your audience's shoes to put yourself in your audience's shoes trying to put yourself in their place trying to put yourself in their place trying to put yourself in their place trying to ask yourself if I was trying to ask yourself if I was trying to ask yourself if I was listening to someone give the speech listening to someone give the speech listening to someone give the speech what's the what's the what would what's what's the what's the what would what's what's the what's the what would what's the conversation that would be happening the conversation that would be happening the conversation that would be happening inside my own head right what because inside my own head right what because inside my own head right what because I'm not nobody agrees 100% with the I'm not nobody agrees 100% with the I'm not nobody agrees 100% with the person who's on the person who's on the person who's on the stage but I think also part of it is stage but I think also part of it is stage but I think also part of it is proving that we're proving that we're proving that we're listening so I mentioned the importance listening so I mentioned the importance listening so I mentioned the importance of asking deep questions that this is a of asking deep questions that this is a of asking deep questions that this is a really part of being a super really part of being a super really part of being a super Communicator in addition it's really Communicator in addition it's really Communicator in addition it's really important that we show that we're important that we show that we're important that we show that we're listening to the other person listening to the other person listening to the other person particularly when we're in a conflict particularly when we're in a conflict particularly when we're in a conflict and there's a technique for this known and there's a technique for this known and there's a technique for this known as looping for understanding that's as looping for understanding that's as looping for understanding that's really really powerful and they teach it really really powerful and they teach it really really powerful and they teach it at a bunch of schools and it has these at a bunch of schools and it has these at a bunch of schools and it has these three steps the first step is you ask a three steps the first step is you ask a three steps the first step is you ask a question preferably a deep question the question preferably a deep question the question preferably a deep question the second step is after the person has second step is after the person has second step is after the person has answered the question you repeat back in answered the question you repeat back in answered the question you repeat back in your own words which you heard them say your own words which you heard them say your own words which you heard them say and the key here is not to mimic them and the key here is not to mimic them and the key here is not to mimic them it's to prove to them you paying it's to prove to them you paying it's to prove to them you paying attention and more importantly that attention and more importantly that attention and more importantly that you're processing that you're thinking you're processing that you're thinking you're processing that you're thinking about what they said and then the third about what they said and then the third about what they said and then the third step and this is the one we always step and this is the one we always step and this is the one we always forget is ask if you got it right forget is ask if you got it right forget is ask if you got it right because one of two things will happen because one of two things will happen because one of two things will happen first of all they might say like no you first of all they might say like no you first of all they might say like no you didn't get it right you didn't didn't get it right you didn't didn't get it right you didn't understand me which is useful or the understand me which is useful or the understand me which is useful or the second thing is I they say I think you second thing is I they say I think you second thing is I they say I think you got I think you got it right you

got I think you got it right you got I think you got it right you understood what I was trying to say and understood what I was trying to say and understood what I was trying to say and what we've actually done in that moment what we've actually done in that moment what we've actually done in that moment is I've asked you for permission to is I've asked you for permission to is I've asked you for permission to acknowledge that I was acknowledge that I was acknowledge that I was listening and you've acknowledged it and listening and you've acknowledged it and listening and you've acknowledged it and when you acknowledge that I'm listening when you acknowledge that I'm listening when you acknowledge that I'm listening to you you become more likely to listen to you you become more likely to listen to you you become more likely to listen to me so how does this work for the for to me so how does this work for the for to me so how does this work for the for the person on the on on the stage giving the person on the on on the stage giving the person on the on on the stage giving that speech that speech that speech yeah when we when we say some of you are yeah when we when we say some of you are yeah when we when we say some of you are probably thinking God there's no way probably thinking God there's no way probably thinking God there's no way Jesus rose from the dead there's Jesus rose from the dead there's Jesus rose from the dead there's actually a step deeper we can go to say actually a step deeper we can go to say actually a step deeper we can go to say some of you are probably thinking Jesus some of you are probably thinking Jesus some of you are probably thinking Jesus didn't rise from the dead and what didn't rise from the dead and what didn't rise from the dead and what you're also thinking is you're thinking you're also thinking is you're thinking you're also thinking is you're thinking look if I believe in this one magic look if I believe in this one magic look if I believe in this one magic story what's to stop me from believing story what's to stop me from believing story what's to stop me from believing in all the other crazy magic stories in all the other crazy magic stories in all the other crazy magic stories that are out there why see so in that that are out there why see so in that that are out there why see so in that case not only I am proving not only that case not only I am proving not only that case not only I am proving not only that I am listening to you that I'm thinking I am listening to you that I'm thinking I am listening to you that I'm thinking I'm trying to see this from your I'm trying to see this from your I'm trying to see this from your perspective I'm proving you that not perspective I'm proving you that not perspective I'm proving you that not only am I hearing the objection that's only am I hearing the objection that's only am I hearing the objection that's happening inside your head I'm thinking happening inside your head I'm thinking happening inside your head I'm thinking about the objection inside your head I'm about the objection inside your head I'm about the objection inside your head I'm processing processing processing it and when I do that that's when I you it and when I do that that's when I you it and when I do that that's when I you know I'm on your know I'm on your know I'm on your side wow that is a great example and side wow that is a great example and side wow that is a great example and that's exactly what some of my favorite that's exactly what some of my favorite that's exactly what some of my favorite communicators do is they sort of raise communicators do is they sort of raise communicators do is they sort of raise the objection and then they they go the objection and then they they go the objection and then they they go underneath and then another another underneath and then another another underneath and then another another thing because you you talk about this in thing because you you talk about this in thing because you you talk about this in your book extensively it's really your book extensively it's really your book extensively it's really getting to know the other person right getting to know the other person right getting to know the other person right it's that whole idea of trying to be it's that whole idea of trying to be it's that whole idea of trying to be understood rather than trying to understood rather than trying to understood rather than trying to understand and I'll give you an example

understand and I'll give you an example understand and I'll give you an example I did a speaking tour earlier this year I did a speaking tour earlier this year I did a speaking tour earlier this year of Australian New Zealand and I gave the of Australian New Zealand and I gave the of Australian New Zealand and I gave the same talks in six cities and uh it was same talks in six cities and uh it was same talks in six cities and uh it was great we had a lot of ERS there and then great we had a lot of ERS there and then great we had a lot of ERS there and then the evaluations came in one of the talks the evaluations came in one of the talks the evaluations came in one of the talks was personal it was about burnout in a was personal it was about burnout in a was personal it was about burnout in a system that I use I wrote about it in my system that I use I wrote about it in my system that I use I wrote about it in my last book at your best on how to manage last book at your best on how to manage last book at your best on how to manage your time energy and priorities the your time energy and priorities the your time energy and priorities the other was on Church models and Trends other was on Church models and Trends other was on Church models and Trends and one of the organizers was very and one of the organizers was very and one of the organizers was very excited about the second talk he's like excited about the second talk he's like excited about the second talk he's like car's bringing this brand new material car's bringing this brand new material car's bringing this brand new material to Australia Etc we got the evaluations to Australia Etc we got the evaluations to Australia Etc we got the evaluations back 90 to 95% of the comments were back 90 to 95% of the comments were back 90 to 95% of the comments were about the first talk and I think the about the first talk and I think the about the first talk and I think the difference was it was about an issue difference was it was about an issue difference was it was about an issue which was still personal trying to grow which was still personal trying to grow which was still personal trying to grow a church but it was so personal and I've a church but it was so personal and I've a church but it was so personal and I've listened to thousands of people and listened to thousands of people and listened to thousands of people and their time management problems and their their time management problems and their their time management problems and their burnout issues and their struggles and I burnout issues and their struggles and I burnout issues and their struggles and I was able to parot back to them yeah some was able to parot back to them yeah some was able to parot back to them yeah some of the very real situations they were of the very real situations they were of the very real situations they were facing so I'm thinking and then I want facing so I'm thinking and then I want facing so I'm thinking and then I want to get into some of the principles but to get into some of the principles but to get into some of the principles but I'm thinking in terms of you know public I'm thinking in terms of you know public I'm thinking in terms of you know public speakers and speakers and speakers and communicators uh you know the the the communicators uh you know the the the communicators uh you know the the the technical term is you execute the text technical term is you execute the text technical term is you execute the text so if you're going to preach on the so if you're going to preach on the so if you're going to preach on the Bible you do your exegesis your deep Bible you do your exegesis your deep Bible you do your exegesis your deep study of the text in its original study of the text in its original study of the text in its original context but they also say you have to context but they also say you have to context but they also say you have to exeet the audience you've got to study exeet the audience you've got to study exeet the audience you've got to study the audience so do you have any thoughts the audience so do you have any thoughts the audience so do you have any thoughts or tips on studying your audience and or tips on studying your audience and or tips on studying your audience and giving them feedback on what they might giving them feedback on what they might giving them feedback on what they might be thinking I thought the resurrection be thinking I thought the resurrection be thinking I thought the resurrection example was great but can can you drill example was great but can can you drill example was great but can can you drill down on that a bit more it's a it's I

down on that a bit more it's a it's I down on that a bit more it's a it's I think it's well part of it is I think think it's well part of it is I think think it's well part of it is I think being in those audiences like let me ask being in those audiences like let me ask being in those audiences like let me ask when you are preparing that first speech when you are preparing that first speech when you are preparing that first speech and you're thinking to yourself what do and you're thinking to yourself what do and you're thinking to yourself what do I want to tell this audience what do I I want to tell this audience what do I I want to tell this audience what do I think is going to resonate with them think is going to resonate with them think is going to resonate with them who's the person that's in your head who's the person that's in your head who's the person that's in your head like who are you writing that speech like who are you writing that speech like who are you writing that speech for well a lot of the examples came from for well a lot of the examples came from for well a lot of the examples came from the former me me in my 30s when I was the former me me in my 30s when I was the former me me in my 30s when I was running around at 90 M an hour with my running around at 90 M an hour with my running around at 90 M an hour with my hair on fire the other was the hair on fire the other was the hair on fire the other was the 35-year-old Pastor who I've met a 35-year-old Pastor who I've met a 35-year-old Pastor who I've met a thousand times leading a church it's thousand times leading a church it's thousand times leading a church it's growing they're working five six seven growing they're working five six seven growing they're working five six seven days a week they don't have time for days a week they don't have time for days a week they don't have time for their family they've got a couple of their family they've got a couple of their family they've got a couple of young kids their marriage is okay but young kids their marriage is okay but young kids their marriage is okay but it's not great and there's just constant it's not great and there's just constant it's not great and there's just constant pressure and constant tension and they pressure and constant tension and they pressure and constant tension and they can't close the laptop because there's can't close the laptop because there's can't close the laptop because there's always some urgent fire I was speaking always some urgent fire I was speaking always some urgent fire I was speaking to that person so what I hear you saying to that person so what I hear you saying to that person so what I hear you saying and and tell me if you think I'm getting and and tell me if you think I'm getting and and tell me if you think I'm getting this right this right this right is you had a person in your head and it is you had a person in your head and it is you had a person in your head and it was you or it was a composite of folks was you or it was a composite of folks was you or it was a composite of folks you talk you talk you talk to who you knew some of what what they to who you knew some of what what they to who you knew some of what what they would say back to you like you could would say back to you like you could would say back to you like you could actually have a conversation with that actually have a conversation with that actually have a conversation with that person so you were you were performing person so you were you were performing person so you were you were performing The Ex aesus on the audience before the The Ex aesus on the audience before the The Ex aesus on the audience before the audience was even there by essentially audience was even there by essentially audience was even there by essentially imagining who your audience is and imagining who your audience is and imagining who your audience is and putting yourself in their in their shoes putting yourself in their in their shoes putting yourself in their in their shoes which part of it is you were in their which part of it is you were in their which part of it is you were in their shoes right you you were you were that shoes right you you were you were that shoes right you you were you were that 30y old you have been that 35y old who 30y old you have been that 35y old who 30y old you have been that 35y old who like can't close the computer so you're

like can't close the computer so you're like can't close the computer so you're almost having a conversation with almost having a conversation with almost having a conversation with previous versions of yourself yeah now previous versions of yourself yeah now previous versions of yourself yeah now that's that's what we do before the that's that's what we do before the that's that's what we do before the speech speech speech when we're in the room and if you notice when we're in the room and if you notice when we're in the room and if you notice politicians do this really politicians do this really politicians do this really well they listen to the crowd so let's well they listen to the crowd so let's well they listen to the crowd so let's bring it let's use Donald Trump as an bring it let's use Donald Trump as an bring it let's use Donald Trump as an example whether whether you like Donald example whether whether you like Donald example whether whether you like Donald Trump or you don't like Donald Trump if Trump or you don't like Donald Trump if Trump or you don't like Donald Trump if you ever go to a trump rally one of the you ever go to a trump rally one of the you ever go to a trump rally one of the things you'll notice is he will say things you'll notice is he will say things you'll notice is he will say something and if the crowd Roars an something and if the crowd Roars an something and if the crowd Roars an approval if they give him some feedback approval if they give him some feedback approval if they give him some feedback he just leans into that topic he just he just leans into that topic he just he just leans into that topic he just like he'll start riffing right ad living like he'll start riffing right ad living like he'll start riffing right ad living about like whatever he just talked about about like whatever he just talked about about like whatever he just talked about and part of what he's doing is he's and part of what he's doing is he's and part of what he's doing is he's showing that crowd I am listening to you showing that crowd I am listening to you showing that crowd I am listening to you right all those other politicians right all those other politicians right all those other politicians they're on some script they're just they're on some script they're just they're on some script they're just going to say whatever comes next on the going to say whatever comes next on the going to say whatever comes next on the teleprompter but me I'm listening to you teleprompter but me I'm listening to you teleprompter but me I'm listening to you if you like something and this gets him if you like something and this gets him if you like something and this gets him in trouble right because that's how he in trouble right because that's how he in trouble right because that's how he ends up saying some crazy things but I ends up saying some crazy things but I ends up saying some crazy things but I think a really good public speaker is think a really good public speaker is think a really good public speaker is someone and that doesn't mean you're a someone and that doesn't mean you're a someone and that doesn't mean you're a good person or a good president but a good person or a good president but a good person or a good president but a good public speaker is someone who not good public speaker is someone who not good public speaker is someone who not only is listening to that crowd they're only is listening to that crowd they're only is listening to that crowd they're showing them that they're listening to showing them that they're listening to showing them that they're listening to them them them wow that is a really good point and so wow that is a really good point and so wow that is a really good point and so what would that look like I mean you've what would that look like I mean you've what would that look like I mean you've given Keynotes before does that mean given Keynotes before does that mean given Keynotes before does that mean when you see something's I always ask when you see something's I always ask when you see something's I always ask for the house lights to be up uh not for the house lights to be up uh not for the house lights to be up uh not super bright so it feels like you're in super bright so it feels like you're in super bright so it feels like you're in a cafeteria cafeteria but just so I can a cafeteria cafeteria but just so I can a cafeteria cafeteria but just so I can see people yeah and what would be some

see people yeah and what would be some see people yeah and what would be some of the things you would do if you see a of the things you would do if you see a of the things you would do if you see a point is landing I was talking about uh point is landing I was talking about uh point is landing I was talking about uh AI AI AI relationships and uh the fact that a lot relationships and uh the fact that a lot relationships and uh the fact that a lot of guys are going to end up having AI of guys are going to end up having AI of guys are going to end up having AI porn in the future and the look of porn in the future and the look of porn in the future and the look of discomfort on the women's faces was oh discomfort on the women's faces was oh discomfort on the women's faces was oh my gosh it was it was horrendous and my gosh it was it was horrendous and my gosh it was it was horrendous and amazing at the same time just to watch amazing at the same time just to watch amazing at the same time just to watch the the shock and the disgust sort of the the shock and the disgust sort of the the shock and the disgust sort of wave over a congregation as I described wave over a congregation as I described wave over a congregation as I described what's coming down the pipe and it's one what's coming down the pipe and it's one what's coming down the pipe and it's one of those things where you can just you of those things where you can just you of those things where you can just you can feel it you can sense so what do you can feel it you can sense so what do you can feel it you can sense so what do you do in a moment like that so I think in a do in a moment like that so I think in a do in a moment like that so I think in a moment like that and and this runs moment like that and and this runs moment like that and and this runs counter when we think about ourselves as counter when we think about ourselves as counter when we think about ourselves as public speakers what we think about public speakers what we think about public speakers what we think about ourselves is always knowing the right ourselves is always knowing the right ourselves is always knowing the right thing to say right always having like thing to say right always having like thing to say right always having like the next sentence like on the tip of our the next sentence like on the tip of our the next sentence like on the tip of our tongue in a moment like that I think the tongue in a moment like that I think the tongue in a moment like that I think the best thing you can do is just pause for best thing you can do is just pause for best thing you can do is just pause for a second and say as I'm looking out at a second and say as I'm looking out at a second and say as I'm looking out at the crowd I'm seeing some of you really the crowd I'm seeing some of you really the crowd I'm seeing some of you really uncomfortable with this uncomfortable with this uncomfortable with this idea and and like let's just take a idea and and like let's just take a idea and and like let's just take a minute to to sort of acknowledge that minute to to sort of acknowledge that minute to to sort of acknowledge that that like this is something that makes that like this is something that makes that like this is something that makes people like makes some of you pretty people like makes some of you pretty people like makes some of you pretty uncomfortable similarly you know uncomfortable similarly you know uncomfortable similarly you know oftentimes as you know one of the the Fe oftentimes as you know one of the the Fe oftentimes as you know one of the the Fe the feedback cues that we get is the feedback cues that we get is the feedback cues that we get is laughter yes and and and people are much laughter yes and and and people are much laughter yes and and and people are much more comfortable laughing than they are more comfortable laughing than they are more comfortable laughing than they are shouting or something else like that shouting or something else like that shouting or something else like that right so we we tend to hear laughter right so we we tend to hear laughter right so we we tend to hear laughter much more than we do other forms of much more than we do other forms of much more than we do other forms of emotional expression but whenever a emotional expression but whenever a emotional expression but whenever a crowd laughs I kind of take a second and

crowd laughs I kind of take a second and crowd laughs I kind of take a second and just let myself a enjoy the laughter but just let myself a enjoy the laughter but just let myself a enjoy the laughter but B say like look is there whatever made B say like look is there whatever made B say like look is there whatever made them laugh like is there something that them laugh like is there something that them laugh like is there something that I can lean into a little bit there I'm I can lean into a little bit there I'm I can lean into a little bit there I'm sure you've had this too when you have sure you've had this too when you have sure you've had this too when you have slides and you and you look out and you slides and you and you look out and you slides and you and you look out and you notice that like you know a third of the notice that like you know a third of the notice that like you know a third of the crowd has their phone up and they're crowd has their phone up and they're crowd has their phone up and they're taking a picture of the screen right taking a picture of the screen right taking a picture of the screen right there's something on that screen there's there's something on that screen there's there's something on that screen there's something on that screen that's something on that screen that's something on that screen that's capturing them oftentimes what I do is I capturing them oftentimes what I do is I capturing them oftentimes what I do is I just kind of pause for a moment I say just kind of pause for a moment I say just kind of pause for a moment I say you know I notice a number of you are you know I notice a number of you are you know I notice a number of you are interested in the screen let's talk interested in the screen let's talk interested in the screen let's talk about this let's let's let's drill down about this let's let's let's drill down about this let's let's let's drill down a little bit more into what's a little bit more into what's a little bit more into what's interesting about this list or this interesting about this list or this interesting about this list or this image and and part of it is you know image and and part of it is you know image and and part of it is you know when we are good public speakers we want when we are good public speakers we want when we are good public speakers we want to be practiced and we want to be to be practiced and we want to be to be practiced and we want to be polished and and taking ad living is not polished and and taking ad living is not polished and and taking ad living is not as practice and Polished as the speech as practice and Polished as the speech as practice and Polished as the speech that we've given 30 times already that we've given 30 times already that we've given 30 times already but what we lose in the practice and the but what we lose in the practice and the but what we lose in the practice and the Polish we make up for in the Polish we make up for in the Polish we make up for in the relationship with the audience because relationship with the audience because relationship with the audience because what we're saying to the audience is what we're saying to the audience is what we're saying to the audience is it's not just that this it's Tuesday so it's not just that this it's Tuesday so it's not just that this it's Tuesday so I'm on a stage at 7 o'clock it's that I I'm on a stage at 7 o'clock it's that I I'm on a stage at 7 o'clock it's that I am in this room with you when you tell am in this room with you when you tell am in this room with you when you tell me something through your laughter me something through your laughter me something through your laughter through your Expressions through what through your Expressions through what through your Expressions through what you're doing I am listening to it and you're doing I am listening to it and you're doing I am listening to it and I'm reacting to it that's when it I'm reacting to it that's when it I'm reacting to it that's when it becomes a becomes a becomes a conversation that's a very important conversation that's a very important conversation that's a very important point because you know as I hear you point because you know as I hear you point because you know as I hear you talk about that first of all resonate talk about that first of all resonate talk about that first of all resonate secondly it's exactly what you do in a secondly it's exactly what you do in a secondly it's exactly what you do in a personal conversation right you're not personal conversation right you're not personal conversation right you're not like oh I wanted to get to my next slide like oh I wanted to get to my next slide like oh I wanted to get to my next slide so let's just keep going you never do

so let's just keep going you never do so let's just keep going you never do that you're like oh you like that team that you're like oh you like that team that you're like oh you like that team too and next thing you know 30 minutes too and next thing you know 30 minutes too and next thing you know 30 minutes has gone by and you've talked all about has gone by and you've talked all about has gone by and you've talked all about you know the Super Bowl or whatever you know the Super Bowl or whatever you know the Super Bowl or whatever you're talking about or some hobby that you're talking about or some hobby that you're talking about or some hobby that you have in common everything else you have in common everything else you have in common everything else derails because you found a common derails because you found a common derails because you found a common connection point now I'm not saying yeah connection point now I'm not saying yeah connection point now I'm not saying yeah go ahead well and by the way the best go ahead well and by the way the best go ahead well and by the way the best conversations you have if we did write conversations you have if we did write conversations you have if we did write them down if you got a transcript of them down if you got a transcript of them down if you got a transcript of them they would look like messes right them they would look like messes right them they would look like messes right it's people interrupting each other I it's people interrupting each other I it's people interrupting each other I just interrupted you right right what just interrupted you right right what just interrupted you right right what we're saying we're not saying them in we're saying we're not saying them in we're saying we're not saying them in the most eloquent perfect way possible the most eloquent perfect way possible the most eloquent perfect way possible but what makes a good conversation is but what makes a good conversation is but what makes a good conversation is not how polished and beautiful it looks not how polished and beautiful it looks not how polished and beautiful it looks afterwards it's the experience of being afterwards it's the experience of being afterwards it's the experience of being in it and so whether you're on a stage in it and so whether you're on a stage in it and so whether you're on a stage or whether you're talking to someone or whether you're talking to someone or whether you're talking to someone face to face it's the ex no one face to face it's the ex no one face to face it's the ex no one remembers what you said to them in a remembers what you said to them in a remembers what you said to them in a conversation but they definitely conversation but they definitely conversation but they definitely remember how you made them remember how you made them remember how you made them feel and so it's worth focusing on that feel and so it's worth focusing on that feel and so it's worth focusing on that how do I make you feel welcome and at how do I make you feel welcome and at how do I make you feel welcome and at home and a can part of this conversation home and a can part of this conversation home and a can part of this conversation rather than just an audience absorbing rather than just an audience absorbing rather than just an audience absorbing what I'm saying so I can't wait I'm what I'm saying so I can't wait I'm what I'm saying so I can't wait I'm taking a break from public speaking for taking a break from public speaking for taking a break from public speaking for a few months uh just to to rest up and a few months uh just to to rest up and a few months uh just to to rest up and work on some other things but I can't work on some other things but I can't work on some other things but I can't wait to get back there because here's wait to get back there because here's wait to get back there because here's what I'm going to do going to prepare what I'm going to do going to prepare what I'm going to do going to prepare less content which is always a challenge less content which is always a challenge less content which is always a challenge I'm going to read the room which I think I'm going to read the room which I think I'm going to read the room which I think I do a decent job of but I mean if it's I do a decent job of but I mean if it's I do a decent job of but I mean if it's a 3 to five minute excursus on a a 3 to five minute excursus on a a 3 to five minute excursus on a particular topic or just drilling down particular topic or just drilling down particular topic or just drilling down I'm going to leave the space to be able

I'm going to leave the space to be able I'm going to leave the space to be able to do it and slow down any other tips to do it and slow down any other tips to do it and slow down any other tips for public speakers when you know that for public speakers when you know that for public speakers when you know that you could glean from your research and you could glean from your research and you could glean from your research and work so I think I think that we don't work so I think I think that we don't work so I think I think that we don't spend enough time asking the qu the spend enough time asking the qu the spend enough time asking the qu the audience to speak so one of the things audience to speak so one of the things audience to speak so one of the things you know much like you I've been given you know much like you I've been given you know much like you I've been given giving speeches for about 10 years now giving speeches for about 10 years now giving speeches for about 10 years now and and the typical situation is I'm and and the typical situation is I'm and and the typical situation is I'm hired at some conference it's like three hired at some conference it's like three hired at some conference it's like three to 5 thousand people right and and I'm to 5 thousand people right and and I'm to 5 thousand people right and and I'm basically the entertainment like they basically the entertainment like they basically the entertainment like they want some smart entertainment and with want some smart entertainment and with want some smart entertainment and with this book you have a couple of jokes you this book you have a couple of jokes you this book you have a couple of jokes you got to here's here's a funny here's an got to here's here's a funny here's an got to here's here's a funny here's an interesting story that makes you interesting story that makes you interesting story that makes you think but with this speech because it's think but with this speech because it's think but with this speech because it's about about communication I've been about about communication I've been about about communication I've been doing a lot more there's actually an doing a lot more there's actually an doing a lot more there's actually an exercise that we do where you turn to exercise that we do where you turn to exercise that we do where you turn to the person next to them and you have a the person next to them and you have a the person next to them and you have a conversation with them for for five conversation with them for for five conversation with them for for five minutes um and the entire audience will minutes um and the entire audience will minutes um and the entire audience will do this we've done this with like 10,000 do this we've done this with like 10,000 do this we've done this with like 10,000 people in an audience it's really and people in an audience it's really and people in an audience it's really and the question you ask and answer is the question you ask and answer is the question you ask and answer is when's the last time you cried in front when's the last time you cried in front when's the last time you cried in front of another person so they're really good of another person so they're really good of another person so they're really good conversations but what I do afterwards conversations but what I do afterwards conversations but what I do afterwards is I say okay look you just had this is I say okay look you just had this is I say okay look you just had this experience tell me what it was like like experience tell me what it was like like experience tell me what it was like like don't tell me the content is anyone in don't tell me the content is anyone in don't tell me the content is anyone in this room willing to tell me like kind this room willing to tell me like kind this room willing to tell me like kind of what that was like and 30 or 50 hands of what that was like and 30 or 50 hands of what that was like and 30 or 50 hands go up and we might spend 10 or 15 go up and we might spend 10 or 15 go up and we might spend 10 or 15 minutes having people describe the minutes having people describe the minutes having people describe the experience they just had and afterwards experience they just had and afterwards experience they just had and afterwards people will tell you that was their people will tell you that was their people will tell you that was their favorite part of the speech they they favorite part of the speech they they favorite part of the speech they they don't like listening to me they like don't like listening to me they like don't like listening to me they like listening to the guy sitting next to listening to the guy sitting next to listening to the guy sitting next to them or the woman sitting next to them them or the woman sitting next to them them or the woman sitting next to them they like someone saying here's an

they like someone saying here's an they like someone saying here's an experience I because they say I've had experience I because they say I've had experience I because they say I've had that experience right I think that as a that experience right I think that as a that experience right I think that as a public speaker we tend to think of public speaker we tend to think of public speaker we tend to think of ourselves as an oracle as a Fountain of ourselves as an oracle as a Fountain of ourselves as an oracle as a Fountain of Knowledge what we really are is we're a Knowledge what we really are is we're a Knowledge what we really are is we're a Master of Master of Master of Ceremonies and the the the ceremony the Ceremonies and the the the ceremony the Ceremonies and the the the ceremony the ACT is all the other people in the room ACT is all the other people in the room ACT is all the other people in the room and so how can we facilitate them saying and so how can we facilitate them saying and so how can we facilitate them saying something that surprises themselves how something that surprises themselves how something that surprises themselves how can we facilitate them hearing something can we facilitate them hearing something can we facilitate them hearing something from someone they know who's sitting from someone they know who's sitting from someone they know who's sitting across the room that surprises them across the room that surprises them across the room that surprises them that's the thing that they walk away that's the thing that they walk away that's the thing that they walk away remembering and if we see ourselves as remembering and if we see ourselves as remembering and if we see ourselves as this host as this Master of Ceremonies this host as this Master of Ceremonies this host as this Master of Ceremonies it empowers us to do this and I have to it empowers us to do this and I have to it empowers us to do this and I have to say we've done it in huge crowds and say we've done it in huge crowds and say we've done it in huge crowds and every time I bring it up someone's like every time I bring it up someone's like every time I bring it up someone's like H I don't know man this is a like is H I don't know man this is a like is H I don't know man this is a like is someone gonna want to say something someone gonna want to say something someone gonna want to say something revealing in front of 10,000 people and revealing in front of 10,000 people and revealing in front of 10,000 people and it's worked every single it's worked every single it's worked every single time fascinating and I would just say if time fascinating and I would just say if time fascinating and I would just say if you've done it with 10,000 people you've done it with 10,000 people you've done it with 10,000 people there's not a person listening to this there's not a person listening to this there's not a person listening to this podcast who is a room bigger than that podcast who is a room bigger than that podcast who is a room bigger than that I'm pretty safe to say you know most of I'm pretty safe to say you know most of I'm pretty safe to say you know most of them have 500 to a th000 maybe 2,000 and them have 500 to a th000 maybe 2,000 and them have 500 to a th000 maybe 2,000 and that would be interesting is there a that would be interesting is there a that would be interesting is there a difference because you often come with difference because you often come with difference because you often come with family and friends to a church whereas family and friends to a church whereas family and friends to a church whereas at a conference if you're doing an event at a conference if you're doing an event at a conference if you're doing an event you tend to be seated next to a stranger you tend to be seated next to a stranger you tend to be seated next to a stranger or do you think it doesn't matter I or do you think it doesn't matter I or do you think it doesn't matter I don't I mean I think that one of the don't I mean I think that one of the don't I mean I think that one of the things that we can do that's really things that we can do that's really things that we can do that's really powerful in a church is we can say you powerful in a church is we can say you powerful in a church is we can say you know switch chairs with a person next

know switch chairs with a person next know switch chairs with a person next with your brother next to you so that with your brother next to you so that with your brother next to you so that you're talking each talking to a you're talking each talking to a you're talking each talking to a stranger but even if you're talking to stranger but even if you're talking to stranger but even if you're talking to your brother I mean think about that your brother I mean think about that your brother I mean think about that question when's the last time you cried question when's the last time you cried question when's the last time you cried in front of another person if if someone in front of another person if if someone in front of another person if if someone I know if one of my family members I know if one of my family members I know if one of my family members answers that question that's still going answers that question that's still going answers that question that's still going to be a powerful conversation yeah to be a powerful conversation yeah to be a powerful conversation yeah you're going to go deeper you're gonna you're going to go deeper you're gonna you're going to go deeper you're gonna go for that I me I don't know the last go for that I me I don't know the last go for that I me I don't know the last time my wife cried in front of another time my wife cried in front of another time my wife cried in front of another person and frankly if she told me it was person and frankly if she told me it was person and frankly if she told me it was something that I knew about hearing her something that I knew about hearing her something that I knew about hearing her talk about that experience from her talk about that experience from her talk about that experience from her perspective would still be really perspective would still be really perspective would still be really valuable yeah we're the losers in that valuable yeah we're the losers in that valuable yeah we're the losers in that it's a great question yeah I don't think it's a great question yeah I don't think it's a great question yeah I don't think there are any losers and you don't have there are any losers and you don't have there are any losers and you don't have to do it every time if you're up there to do it every time if you're up there to do it every time if you're up there 50 times a year but to do that once in a 50 times a year but to do that once in a 50 times a year but to do that once in a while are there other ways to involve while are there other ways to involve while are there other ways to involve the audience or elicit feedback that you the audience or elicit feedback that you the audience or elicit feedback that you can think of that would be helpful or can think of that would be helpful or can think of that would be helpful or make it more of a dialogue so there's make it more of a dialogue so there's make it more of a dialogue so there's actually this thing called The Fast actually this thing called The Fast actually this thing called The Fast Friends procedure that's these 32 Friends procedure that's these 32 Friends procedure that's these 32 questions people might have heard of questions people might have heard of questions people might have heard of them the 32 questions that lead to love them the 32 questions that lead to love them the 32 questions that lead to love so if um if people just Google The Fast so if um if people just Google The Fast so if um if people just Google The Fast Friends procedure the questions will Friends procedure the questions will Friends procedure the questions will come up or they can just come to my come up or they can just come to my come up or they can just come to my website and and I've got a copy of them website and and I've got a copy of them website and and I've got a copy of them there so those are really great there so those are really great there so those are really great questions so you you you don't want to questions so you you you don't want to questions so you you you don't want to do the same question 50 times but you do the same question 50 times but you do the same question 50 times but you there are more than there are 50 great there are more than there are 50 great there are more than there are 50 great questions that you could do it with but questions that you could do it with but questions that you could do it with but let's say you don't want to do that let's say you don't want to do that let's say you don't want to do that let's say it starts to feel like a let's say it starts to feel like a let's say it starts to feel like a gimmick you don't want to I think the gimmick you don't want to I think the gimmick you don't want to I think the other thing that you can do is you other thing that you can do is you other thing that you can do is you can I mean so what happens in a can I mean so what happens in a can I mean so what happens in a conversation and not everything has to conversation and not everything has to conversation and not everything has to be a conversation sometimes I get up on be a conversation sometimes I get up on be a conversation sometimes I get up on the stage I just have something I want the stage I just have something I want the stage I just have something I want to share with you and you want to be to share with you and you want to be to share with you and you want to be entertained and and I shouldn't I

entertained and and I shouldn't I entertained and and I shouldn't I shouldn't demand of you to have a shouldn't demand of you to have a shouldn't demand of you to have a conversation because sometimes we get in conversation because sometimes we get in conversation because sometimes we get in the Uber and we don't want to talk to the Uber and we don't want to talk to the Uber and we don't want to talk to the driver we want to check our email no the driver we want to check our email no the driver we want to check our email no one should ever have to have a one should ever have to have a one should ever have to have a conversation when they don't want to but conversation when they don't want to but conversation when they don't want to but let's say you're saying this week I do let's say you're saying this week I do let's say you're saying this week I do want to have a conversation I don't want want to have a conversation I don't want want to have a conversation I don't want to ask the when did you cry to ask the when did you cry to ask the when did you cry question what is a conversation a question what is a conversation a question what is a conversation a conversation is an opportunity for conversation is an opportunity for conversation is an opportunity for someone else to talk about how they see someone else to talk about how they see someone else to talk about how they see the the the world and then to react to it and so world and then to react to it and so world and then to react to it and so maybe I'm not having you turn to the maybe I'm not having you turn to the maybe I'm not having you turn to the person next to you maybe I'm having person next to you maybe I'm having person next to you maybe I'm having someone from the audience come up and someone from the audience come up and someone from the audience come up and talk about their own talk about their own talk about their own experience maybe I'm having an onstage experience maybe I'm having an onstage experience maybe I'm having an onstage dialogue with me and someone whom I've dialogue with me and someone whom I've dialogue with me and someone whom I've said hey look you got a week to prepare said hey look you got a week to prepare said hey look you got a week to prepare I want you to challenge everything that I want you to challenge everything that I want you to challenge everything that I'm I'm I'm saying but we're thinking about that saying but we're thinking about that saying but we're thinking about that back and forth as oppos as a two-way back and forth as oppos as a two-way back and forth as oppos as a two-way street as opposed to a one-way Street street as opposed to a one-way Street street as opposed to a one-way Street and as everyone who's listening knows it and as everyone who's listening knows it and as everyone who's listening knows it is so much more fun to watch two people is so much more fun to watch two people is so much more fun to watch two people people tussle with each other or people tussle with each other or people tussle with each other or disagree with each other or agree with disagree with each other or agree with disagree with each other or agree with each other or contribute to each other each other or contribute to each other each other or contribute to each other that is so much more fun than just that is so much more fun than just that is so much more fun than just hearing one person talk about that and hearing one person talk about that and hearing one person talk about that and so the more that we invite that the more so the more that we invite that the more so the more that we invite that the more that we make that feel like the other that we make that feel like the other that we make that feel like the other thing that happens thing that happens thing that happens is you have to think about the proxy for is you have to think about the proxy for is you have to think about the proxy for the audience so if you're not having the the audience so if you're not having the the audience so if you're not having the audience talk to each other but you are audience talk to each other but you are audience talk to each other but you are bringing someone from the audience up bringing someone from the audience up bringing someone from the audience up even if you've told them I'm gonna bring even if you've told them I'm gonna bring even if you've told them I'm gonna bring you up mid mid sermon right you up mid mid sermon right you up mid mid sermon right all of a sudden that person stepping

all of a sudden that person stepping all of a sudden that person stepping onto the stage is a proxy for the onto the stage is a proxy for the onto the stage is a proxy for the audience so they're identifying so that audience so they're identifying so that audience so they're identifying so that person brings up a good argument it's as person brings up a good argument it's as person brings up a good argument it's as if I brought up that if I brought up that if I brought up that argument and I'm now participating in argument and I'm now participating in argument and I'm now participating in that conversation because my proxy my that conversation because my proxy my that conversation because my proxy my representative is up on the stage with representative is up on the stage with representative is up on the stage with you having the you having the you having the discussion it's a really interesting discussion it's a really interesting discussion it's a really interesting Paradigm that honestly I don't see a lot Paradigm that honestly I don't see a lot Paradigm that honestly I don't see a lot of preachers or conference speakers of preachers or conference speakers of preachers or conference speakers doing something really good to wrestle doing something really good to wrestle doing something really good to wrestle with so I I want to get into some of the with so I I want to get into some of the with so I I want to get into some of the brain science because you've got a lot brain science because you've got a lot brain science because you've got a lot of it so there's this this phenomena of it so there's this this phenomena of it so there's this this phenomena that you identify as synchronization can that you identify as synchronization can that you identify as synchronization can you explain that and some of the other you explain that and some of the other you explain that and some of the other things that are happening in a good things that are happening in a good things that are happening in a good conversation from a brain science conversation from a brain science conversation from a brain science perspective absolutely absolutely so perspective absolutely absolutely so perspective absolutely absolutely so there's this this concept of neural there's this this concept of neural there's this this concept of neural synchrony synchrony synchrony um whenever we're in a um whenever we're in a um whenever we're in a conversation something happens our our conversation something happens our our conversation something happens our our bodies will start to match each other so bodies will start to match each other so bodies will start to match each other so even in this conversation even though even in this conversation even though even in this conversation even though we're not aware of it and we're we're not aware of it and we're we're not aware of it and we're separated by you know thousands of miles separated by you know thousands of miles separated by you know thousands of miles our breathing patterns are becoming our breathing patterns are becoming our breathing patterns are becoming similar um our heart rates are actually similar um our heart rates are actually similar um our heart rates are actually becoming similar depending on sort of becoming similar depending on sort of becoming similar depending on sort of the lighting situation our pupils might the lighting situation our pupils might the lighting situation our pupils might be dilating at the same rate now we're be dilating at the same rate now we're be dilating at the same rate now we're not aware of that right we don't pay any not aware of that right we don't pay any not aware of that right we don't pay any ATT we don't know that's happening but ATT we don't know that's happening but ATT we don't know that's happening but what's interesting is that at the same what's interesting is that at the same what's interesting is that at the same time our neural activity is becoming time our neural activity is becoming time our neural activity is becoming more and more similar and that actually more and more similar and that actually more and more similar and that actually kind of makes sense when you think about kind of makes sense when you think about kind of makes sense when you think about it because if I describe to you an it because if I describe to you an it because if I describe to you an emotion I felt the reason it's powerful emotion I felt the reason it's powerful emotion I felt the reason it's powerful is because you experience that emotion a

is because you experience that emotion a is because you experience that emotion a little bit right or if I tell you about little bit right or if I tell you about little bit right or if I tell you about an idea that I had the reason you can an idea that I had the reason you can an idea that I had the reason you can understand it is because you kind of understand it is because you kind of understand it is because you kind of experiened that idea a little bit so it experiened that idea a little bit so it experiened that idea a little bit so it would make sense that what's happening would make sense that what's happening would make sense that what's happening in my brain also starts to happen in in my brain also starts to happen in in my brain also starts to happen in your brain and vice versa and that's your brain and vice versa and that's your brain and vice versa and that's known as neural synchronization or known as neural synchronization or known as neural synchronization or neural neural neural entrainment and the thing is that entrainment and the thing is that entrainment and the thing is that because of how we've evolved when that because of how we've evolved when that because of how we've evolved when that happens it feels wonderful We crave that happens it feels wonderful We crave that happens it feels wonderful We crave that and it's kind of interesting to and it's kind of interesting to and it's kind of interesting to understand why so if you go back eons understand why so if you go back eons understand why so if you go back eons ago the thing that set the homo sapiens ago the thing that set the homo sapiens ago the thing that set the homo sapiens apart from other species was our ability apart from other species was our ability apart from other species was our ability to communicate and so people who are to communicate and so people who are to communicate and so people who are really good at communication tended to really good at communication tended to really good at communication tended to succeed they tended to live longer to succeed they tended to live longer to succeed they tended to live longer to have more children and so we evolved our have more children and so we evolved our have more children and so we evolved our brains literally evolved to become good brains literally evolved to become good brains literally evolved to become good at communication communication is homo at communication communication is homo at communication communication is homo sapiens superpower it is the thing that sapiens superpower it is the thing that sapiens superpower it is the thing that has allowed our species to succeed so has allowed our species to succeed so has allowed our species to succeed so well in the in the animal well in the in the animal well in the in the animal kingdom and now the question is like how kingdom and now the question is like how kingdom and now the question is like how does your brain encourage you to does your brain encourage you to does your brain encourage you to communicate how does it encourage you communicate how does it encourage you communicate how does it encourage you well it gives you a reward sensation well it gives you a reward sensation well it gives you a reward sensation when you Com when you connect with when you Com when you connect with when you Com when you connect with someone the reason why you feel so good someone the reason why you feel so good someone the reason why you feel so good after you have a great conversation is after you have a great conversation is after you have a great conversation is because literally your brain is Rel because literally your brain is Rel because literally your brain is Rel releasing releasing releasing neurotransmitters to make you feel good neurotransmitters to make you feel good neurotransmitters to make you feel good it's true and so it sort of changes our it's true and so it sort of changes our it's true and so it sort of changes our idea of what a conversation ought to be idea of what a conversation ought to be idea of what a conversation ought to be the goal of a convers the goal of a convers the goal of a convers is to achieve that neural entrainment we

is to achieve that neural entrainment we is to achieve that neural entrainment we understand each other better when our understand each other better when our understand each other better when our brains look more and more similar and brains look more and more similar and brains look more and more similar and that's why these three kinds of that's why these three kinds of that's why these three kinds of conversations are so important is conversations are so important is conversations are so important is because if I'm having an emotional because if I'm having an emotional because if I'm having an emotional conversation and you're having a conversation and you're having a conversation and you're having a practical conversation we're actually practical conversation we're actually practical conversation we're actually using different parts of our brain so using different parts of our brain so using different parts of our brain so it's very hard for us to become it's very hard for us to become it's very hard for us to become entrained it's very hard for us to entrained it's very hard for us to entrained it's very hard for us to become synchronized unless you say okay become synchronized unless you say okay become synchronized unless you say okay I'm going to lean into the emotional I'm going to lean into the emotional I'm going to lean into the emotional because Charles is feeling emotional and because Charles is feeling emotional and because Charles is feeling emotional and then I'm going to introduce the then I'm going to introduce the then I'm going to introduce the Practical and Charles is going to join Practical and Charles is going to join Practical and Charles is going to join me in the practical then we're using the me in the practical then we're using the me in the practical then we're using the same parts of our brains at the same same parts of our brains at the same same parts of our brains at the same time and that entrainment is so much time and that entrainment is so much time and that entrainment is so much easier to easier to easier to achieve you mentioned something that achieve you mentioned something that achieve you mentioned something that I've always been interested in and have I've always been interested in and have I've always been interested in and have sort of championed this idea that your sort of championed this idea that your sort of championed this idea that your communication skills really are either a communication skills really are either a communication skills really are either a lid or um you lid or um you lid or um you know an improvement to your your know an improvement to your your know an improvement to your your leadership skills in other words the leadership skills in other words the leadership skills in other words the better communicators tend to be better better communicators tend to be better better communicators tend to be better leaders and that's true whether you ever leaders and that's true whether you ever leaders and that's true whether you ever put a microphone on on or not but if you put a microphone on on or not but if you put a microphone on on or not but if you think about the person who can get her think about the person who can get her think about the person who can get her ideas across in a meeting if you think ideas across in a meeting if you think ideas across in a meeting if you think about the person who communicate clearly about the person who communicate clearly about the person who communicate clearly and effectively with a cooworker um are and effectively with a cooworker um are and effectively with a cooworker um are is that is it actually a superpower in is that is it actually a superpower in is that is it actually a superpower in communication that actually elevates all communication that actually elevates all communication that actually elevates all of your leadership oh 100% and study of your leadership oh 100% and study of your leadership oh 100% and study after study has shown this like but you after study has shown this like but you after study has shown this like but you know when you start your career know when you start your career know when you start your career oftentimes the the key to success is oftentimes the the key to success is oftentimes the the key to success is technical skills right do I know how to technical skills right do I know how to technical skills right do I know how to build this thing do I know how to the build this thing do I know how to the build this thing do I know how to the basics of preaching do I know how to basics of preaching do I know how to basics of preaching do I know how to lead a lead a lead a but almost you know within five years

but almost you know within five years but almost you know within five years the differentiator between people who the differentiator between people who the differentiator between people who stay at that beginning level and the stay at that beginning level and the stay at that beginning level and the people who who become experts and who people who who become experts and who people who who become experts and who rise through the ranks is communication rise through the ranks is communication rise through the ranks is communication it's 100% communication and I'll mention it's 100% communication and I'll mention it's 100% communication and I'll mention one thing because because you were one thing because because you were one thing because because you were saying you mentioned communication as an saying you mentioned communication as an saying you mentioned communication as an important skill and oftentimes when we important skill and oftentimes when we important skill and oftentimes when we do we talk about speaking we talk about do we talk about speaking we talk about do we talk about speaking we talk about for instance the person who can get for instance the person who can get for instance the person who can get their idea across the person who can their idea across the person who can their idea across the person who can explain themselves clearly and that is explain themselves clearly and that is explain themselves clearly and that is an important part of communic an important part of communic an important part of communic but there's an equally important part of but there's an equally important part of but there's an equally important part of communication that person who asks the communication that person who asks the communication that person who asks the right question that person who in a right question that person who in a right question that person who in a meeting invites others to speak and meeting invites others to speak and meeting invites others to speak and makes them feel welcome to speak the makes them feel welcome to speak the makes them feel welcome to speak the person who can listen really really well person who can listen really really well person who can listen really really well that is also the great communicator and that is also the great communicator and that is also the great communicator and so it's not enough to just be the person so it's not enough to just be the person so it's not enough to just be the person who can explain yourself you have to be who can explain yourself you have to be who can explain yourself you have to be the person who can not only listen but the person who can not only listen but the person who can not only listen but help other people to hear that becomes a help other people to hear that becomes a help other people to hear that becomes a critical skill as well you tell so many critical skill as well you tell so many critical skill as well you tell so many great and compelling memorable stories great and compelling memorable stories great and compelling memorable stories in the book and I'd love for you whether in the book and I'd love for you whether in the book and I'd love for you whether it's a particular story or whether you it's a particular story or whether you it's a particular story or whether you want to just give the patterns to sort want to just give the patterns to sort want to just give the patterns to sort of go through the super communicators of go through the super communicators of go through the super communicators that you study exactly what you say not that you study exactly what you say not that you study exactly what you say not just people who are orators who can get just people who are orators who can get just people who are orators who can get their ideas across but they listen they their ideas across but they listen they their ideas across but they listen they pick up they they move to an emotional pick up they they move to an emotional pick up they they move to an emotional level they ask the deeper questions they level they ask the deeper questions they level they ask the deeper questions they listen they reciprocate they there is listen they reciprocate they there is listen they reciprocate they there is that synchronicity and I think everybody that synchronicity and I think everybody that synchronicity and I think everybody listening has had those conversations listening has had those conversations listening has had those conversations before and you exactly what you said you

before and you exactly what you said you before and you exactly what you said you get that hit in your brain of get that hit in your brain of get that hit in your brain of satisfaction that says wow that was such satisfaction that says wow that was such satisfaction that says wow that was such a I call it lifegiving conversation yeah a I call it lifegiving conversation yeah a I call it lifegiving conversation yeah what are the elements or ingredients in what are the elements or ingredients in what are the elements or ingredients in those conversations so there's a there's those conversations so there's a there's those conversations so there's a there's a couple stories that I love one of them a couple stories that I love one of them a couple stories that I love one of them is about the CIA officer who's trying to is about the CIA officer who's trying to is about the CIA officer who's trying to recruit this overseas agent and um and recruit this overseas agent and um and recruit this overseas agent and um and and is just miserable at it he's like and is just miserable at it he's like and is just miserable at it he's like the worst CIA officer on the face of the the worst CIA officer on the face of the the worst CIA officer on the face of the planet and one of the things he realizes planet and one of the things he realizes planet and one of the things he realizes he goes to dinner with this woman that he goes to dinner with this woman that he goes to dinner with this woman that he's trying to recruit and she's really he's trying to recruit and she's really he's trying to recruit and she's really really glum she's about to go home really glum she's about to go home really glum she's about to go home they're both in Europe and she's from they're both in Europe and she's from they're both in Europe and she's from the Middle East she's about to go home the Middle East she's about to go home the Middle East she's about to go home and she's really disappointed in herself and she's really disappointed in herself and she's really disappointed in herself because she came to Europe hoping she'd because she came to Europe hoping she'd because she came to Europe hoping she'd discover like something about how to be discover like something about how to be discover like something about how to be more authentic in the world and during more authentic in the world and during more authentic in the world and during dinner he keeps trying to cheer her up dinner he keeps trying to cheer her up dinner he keeps trying to cheer her up he like tells her funny stories he like he like tells her funny stories he like he like tells her funny stories he like reminisces about when they've been reminisces about when they've been reminisces about when they've been sightseen together and she it just sightseen together and she it just sightseen together and she it just doesn't work right and at some point he doesn't work right and at some point he doesn't work right and at some point he just sort of gives up and he says like just sort of gives up and he says like just sort of gives up and he says like look I'm not going to be be able to look I'm not going to be be able to look I'm not going to be be able to recruit this woman she she told me no recruit this woman she she told me no recruit this woman she she told me no already and nothing's working and already and nothing's working and already and nothing's working and so he kind of just becomes honest and he so he kind of just becomes honest and he so he kind of just becomes honest and he he's kind of feeling glum too because he's kind of feeling glum too because he's kind of feeling glum too because he's saying like I'm actually about to he's saying like I'm actually about to he's saying like I'm actually about to get fired from the CIA like I am so bad get fired from the CIA like I am so bad get fired from the CIA like I am so bad at this job I thought I was good at it at this job I thought I was good at it at this job I thought I was good at it and it turns out this is all I've ever and it turns out this is all I've ever and it turns out this is all I've ever wanted to do in my entire life and I'm wanted to do in my entire life and I'm wanted to do in my entire life and I'm terrible at this job and it's only once terrible at this job and it's only once terrible at this job and it's only once he starts matching her so he listens to he starts matching her so he listens to he starts matching her so he listens to what she's saying instead of ignoring what she's saying instead of ignoring what she's saying instead of ignoring what she's saying he starts listening to what she's saying he starts listening to what she's saying he starts listening to what she's saying that she's feeling what she's saying that she's feeling what she's saying that she's feeling glum and he starts proving to her that glum and he starts proving to her that glum and he starts proving to her that he is listening by saying what I hear he is listening by saying what I hear he is listening by saying what I hear you say is that you are feeling down and

you say is that you are feeling down and you say is that you are feeling down and instead of just trying to make you feel instead of just trying to make you feel instead of just trying to make you feel better I'm gonna take seriously what better I'm gonna take seriously what better I'm gonna take seriously what you're saying to me that's when she can you're saying to me that's when she can you're saying to me that's when she can hear him for the first time and she hear him for the first time and she hear him for the first time and she ultimately ends up agreeing to become a ultimately ends up agreeing to become a ultimately ends up agreeing to become a CIA asset and one of the be best CIA asset and one of the be best CIA asset and one of the be best resources in the Middle East over the resources in the Middle East over the resources in the Middle East over the next 20 years so that the tactics that next 20 years so that the tactics that next 20 years so that the tactics that super communicators have is that they super communicators have is that they super communicators have is that they they ask more questions they ask 10 to they ask more questions they ask 10 to they ask more questions they ask 10 to 20 times more questions than the average 20 times more questions than the average 20 times more questions than the average person 10 to 20x yeah and a good number person 10 to 20x yeah and a good number person 10 to 20x yeah and a good number of those are deep questions and that of those are deep questions and that of those are deep questions and that doesn't mean that they're probing or doesn't mean that they're probing or doesn't mean that they're probing or intrusive that doesn't mean they're intrusive that doesn't mean they're intrusive that doesn't mean they're saying when's the last time you cried in saying when's the last time you cried in saying when's the last time you cried in front of another person it means it said front of another person it means it said front of another person it means it said they're saying you know Carrie how'd you they're saying you know Carrie how'd you they're saying you know Carrie how'd you decide to to become a a podcast host or decide to to become a a podcast host or decide to to become a a podcast host or someone says you know where do you live someone says you know where do you live someone says you know where do you live I live in the Heights OH what do you I live in the Heights OH what do you I live in the Heights OH what do you love about the heights why'd you decide love about the heights why'd you decide love about the heights why'd you decide to move there they're asking people how to move there they're asking people how to move there they're asking people how they feel about their lives instead of they feel about their lives instead of they feel about their lives instead of just the facts of of their lives that's just the facts of of their lives that's just the facts of of their lives that's number one number two is that they number one number two is that they number one number two is that they reciprocate they reciprocate reciprocate they reciprocate reciprocate they reciprocate authenticity they reciprocate authenticity they reciprocate authenticity they reciprocate vulnerability that does not mean that if vulnerability that does not mean that if vulnerability that does not mean that if you tell me that your aunt passed away I you tell me that your aunt passed away I you tell me that your aunt passed away I I have to tell you about a story about I have to tell you about a story about I have to tell you about a story about when one one of my relatives passed away when one one of my relatives passed away when one one of my relatives passed away but it does mean that I should say but it does mean that I should say but it does mean that I should say something like I'm really sorry I know something like I'm really sorry I know something like I'm really sorry I know how hard that is what was your aunt like how hard that is what was your aunt like how hard that is what was your aunt like like tell me a little bit about like tell me a little bit about like tell me a little bit about her because what I'm doing in that case her because what I'm doing in that case her because what I'm doing in that case is I'm reciprocating the vulner ility is I'm reciprocating the vulner ility is I'm reciprocating the vulner ility that you're showing me so it's really that you're showing me so it's really that you're showing me so it's really important to do that reciprocation to important to do that reciprocation to important to do that reciprocation to share of ourselves even if that means share of ourselves even if that means share of ourselves even if that means just asking another question to share of

just asking another question to share of just asking another question to share of ourselves when someone has shared with ourselves when someone has shared with ourselves when someone has shared with us and then the final thing is us and then the final thing is us and then the final thing is just to show the person that you want to just to show the person that you want to just to show the person that you want to connect you know this is ultimately what connect you know this is ultimately what connect you know this is ultimately what super communicators do this is why super communicators do this is why super communicators do this is why looping for understanding is so powerful looping for understanding is so powerful looping for understanding is so powerful this is why asking deep questions so this is why asking deep questions so this is why asking deep questions so powerful is because there's a subtext powerful is because there's a subtext powerful is because there's a subtext there and the subtext is I want to there and the subtext is I want to there and the subtext is I want to connect with you connect with you connect with you and think about how frequently we're in and think about how frequently we're in and think about how frequently we're in conversations and and we don't say that conversations and and we don't say that conversations and and we don't say that to the other person and they don't say to the other person and they don't say to the other person and they don't say it to us right we we don't take a second it to us right we we don't take a second it to us right we we don't take a second to say like look like I actually want to to say like look like I actually want to to say like look like I actually want to connect with you I think that you're connect with you I think that you're connect with you I think that you're special like when we do that it feels special like when we do that it feels special like when we do that it feels wonderful but it's something that we wonderful but it's something that we wonderful but it's something that we don't often do automatically and what don't often do automatically and what don't often do automatically and what super communicators do is they show you super communicators do is they show you super communicators do is they show you that they want to connect with you and that they want to connect with you and that they want to connect with you and that's the first and most important step that's the first and most important step that's the first and most important step in making that in making that in making that connection I think one of the journeys connection I think one of the journeys connection I think one of the journeys I've had in my life is is to talk less I've had in my life is is to talk less I've had in my life is is to talk less and listen more and it's been hard I'm a and listen more and it's been hard I'm a and listen more and it's been hard I'm a natural talker so you know when I read natural talker so you know when I read natural talker so you know when I read super communicators I kind of came super communicators I kind of came super communicators I kind of came across that idea that that maybe even across that idea that that maybe even across that idea that that maybe even more so I should do some more listening more so I should do some more listening more so I should do some more listening can you give us some can you give us some can you give us some examples of how to listen how to examples of how to listen how to examples of how to listen how to reciprocate so that we have a few things reciprocate so that we have a few things reciprocate so that we have a few things we can start trying out tomorrow so I we can start trying out tomorrow so I we can start trying out tomorrow so I think the number one thing is think the number one thing is think the number one thing is listening is not a passive activity like listening is not a passive activity like listening is not a passive activity like when we think about listening we often when we think about listening we often when we think about listening we often think about sitting back and just think about sitting back and just think about sitting back and just listening but listening should be active listening but listening should be active listening but listening should be active it should be something where I'm asking it should be something where I'm asking it should be something where I'm asking you questions where I am where I am

you questions where I am where I am you questions where I am where I am saying oh you know you mentioned this saying oh you know you mentioned this saying oh you know you mentioned this thing and that really resonates with me thing and that really resonates with me thing and that really resonates with me because something similar happened to me because something similar happened to me because something similar happened to me it does it seem to you like these are it does it seem to you like these are it does it seem to you like these are similar like did like did I learned this similar like did like did I learned this similar like did like did I learned this thing did you learn something thing did you learn something thing did you learn something similar and I think the thing is that if similar and I think the thing is that if similar and I think the thing is that if we set a goal for oursel which is I'm we set a goal for oursel which is I'm we set a goal for oursel which is I'm meeting someone new and I want to get to meeting someone new and I want to get to meeting someone new and I want to get to their hopes and dreams within three their hopes and dreams within three their hopes and dreams within three questions or I'm I'm having a questions or I'm I'm having a questions or I'm I'm having a conversation with an old friend and I conversation with an old friend and I conversation with an old friend and I want to find out you know I know that want to find out you know I know that want to find out you know I know that their dad passed away two years ago I their dad passed away two years ago I their dad passed away two years ago I want to find out like how did that want to find out like how did that want to find out like how did that change them when we set that goal for change them when we set that goal for change them when we set that goal for ourselves what we're really doing is ourselves what we're really doing is ourselves what we're really doing is we're setting a goal to say I want to we're setting a goal to say I want to we're setting a goal to say I want to understand this person better and then understand this person better and then understand this person better and then asking the questions and listening asking the questions and listening asking the questions and listening becomes actually very automatic right becomes actually very automatic right becomes actually very automatic right because in instead of going into that because in instead of going into that because in instead of going into that conversation and saying I want to conversation and saying I want to conversation and saying I want to convince you that I'm right and you're convince you that I'm right and you're convince you that I'm right and you're wrong I want to impress you I want you wrong I want to impress you I want you wrong I want to impress you I want you to think I'm smart what I'm going is and to think I'm smart what I'm going is and to think I'm smart what I'm going is and I'm saying I want to learn something I'm saying I want to learn something I'm saying I want to learn something about you that I don't about you that I don't about you that I don't know that all of us know that the know that all of us know that the know that all of us know that the fastest way to achieve that goal is to fastest way to achieve that goal is to fastest way to achieve that goal is to ask questions and to listen and so it ask questions and to listen and so it ask questions and to listen and so it becomes much more authentic and and becomes much more authentic and and becomes much more authentic and and automatic one of the things and just as automatic one of the things and just as automatic one of the things and just as we wrap up today Charles that you know we wrap up today Charles that you know we wrap up today Charles that you know this podcast been going almost 10 years this podcast been going almost 10 years this podcast been going almost 10 years and episode 5 I was listening to it with and episode 5 I was listening to it with and episode 5 I was listening to it with my wife and I said hey hun any feedback my wife and I said hey hun any feedback my wife and I said hey hun any feedback and she's like yeah you talk too much and she's like yeah you talk too much and she's like yeah you talk too much I'm like oh oh you're right you're right I'm like oh oh you're right you're right I'm like oh oh you're right you're right so I've been trying to do a better and so I've been trying to do a better and so I've been trying to do a better and better job of like listening and being

better job of like listening and being better job of like listening and being quiet and let the guests carry it but I quiet and let the guests carry it but I quiet and let the guests carry it but I get a lot of questions on my question get a lot of questions on my question get a lot of questions on my question asking and you'll notice we've touched asking and you'll notice we've touched asking and you'll notice we've touched on a few of the questions I sent you and on a few of the questions I sent you and on a few of the questions I sent you and a lot that we haven't and I said a lot that we haven't and I said a lot that we haven't and I said probably my biggest hack at decade in is probably my biggest hack at decade in is probably my biggest hack at decade in is follow the Curiosity Trail like I can follow the Curiosity Trail like I can follow the Curiosity Trail like I can have a a measured conversation where I'm have a a measured conversation where I'm have a a measured conversation where I'm like question 15 uh you know Charles and like question 15 uh you know Charles and like question 15 uh you know Charles and I can do that or I can just listen yeah I can do that or I can just listen yeah I can do that or I can just listen yeah it's the worst in chapter four you say it's the worst in chapter four you say it's the worst in chapter four you say in chapter five um follow the Curiosity in chapter five um follow the Curiosity in chapter five um follow the Curiosity Trail So when you say things it makes me Trail So when you say things it makes me Trail So when you say things it makes me curious I either want to know more I curious I either want to know more I curious I either want to know more I don't understand and I want to go deeper don't understand and I want to go deeper don't understand and I want to go deeper or I'm like well what's underneath that or I'm like well what's underneath that or I'm like well what's underneath that can you say anything about curiosity and can you say anything about curiosity and can you say anything about curiosity and conversations that could help me or conversations that could help me or conversations that could help me or listeners get better at that abely and I listeners get better at that abely and I listeners get better at that abely and I think that's a great Instinct I think think that's a great Instinct I think think that's a great Instinct I think you found the thing that matters the you found the thing that matters the you found the thing that matters the most which is and by the way I don't most which is and by the way I don't most which is and by the way I don't think you talk too much at all I think think you talk too much at all I think think you talk too much at all I think you I think you ask great questions oh you I think you ask great questions oh you I think you ask great questions oh thank you well I'm working on it I I thank you well I'm working on it I I thank you well I'm working on it I I think that often think that often think that often times it's important to listen to times it's important to listen to times it's important to listen to ourselves right to have conversations ourselves right to have conversations ourselves right to have conversations with ourselves when we're present in a with ourselves when we're present in a with ourselves when we're present in a conversation the reason why it doesn't conversation the reason why it doesn't conversation the reason why it doesn't sound polished the reason why the sound polished the reason why the sound polished the reason why the transcript look so messy is because I'm transcript look so messy is because I'm transcript look so messy is because I'm in the middle of the conversation I'm in the middle of the conversation I'm in the middle of the conversation I'm experiencing the conversation I'm experiencing the conversation I'm experiencing the conversation I'm enjoying it and part of that is enjoying it and part of that is enjoying it and part of that is listening to myself and when you say listening to myself and when you say listening to myself and when you say something interesting and the something interesting and the something interesting and the conversation has moved on a little bit conversation has moved on a little bit conversation has moved on a little bit going back and saying you mentioned this going back and saying you mentioned this going back and saying you mentioned this thing that was sort of fascinating can I thing that was sort of fascinating can I thing that was sort of fascinating can I ask you more about that like like tell ask you more about that like like tell ask you more about that like like tell me what happened when we listen to me what happened when we listen to me what happened when we listen to ourselves and we're in the practice of ourselves and we're in the practice of ourselves and we're in the practice of having conversations with ourselves

having conversations with ourselves having conversations with ourselves that's when we know that's when we know that's when we know that's when we know that's when we know that's when we know what to do next as I mentioned our what to do next as I mentioned our what to do next as I mentioned our brains have evolved to be fantastic at brains have evolved to be fantastic at brains have evolved to be fantastic at communication all of us are natural communication all of us are natural communication all of us are natural super super super communicators sometimes we get in our communicators sometimes we get in our communicators sometimes we get in our own way sometimes life pushes us in our own way sometimes life pushes us in our own way sometimes life pushes us in our own way right sometimes life I apologize own way right sometimes life I apologize own way right sometimes life I apologize go ahead sometimes we um sometimes it's go ahead sometimes we um sometimes it's go ahead sometimes we um sometimes it's really really easy to get distracted as really really easy to get distracted as really really easy to get distracted as I just was and sometimes it's really I just was and sometimes it's really I just was and sometimes it's really really easy for you know life to say really easy for you know life to say really easy for you know life to say look you've got 13 things you got to look you've got 13 things you got to look you've got 13 things you got to think about in the next 10 minutes but think about in the next 10 minutes but think about in the next 10 minutes but the more that we spend time practicing the more that we spend time practicing the more that we spend time practicing listening to ourselves the more that we listening to ourselves the more that we listening to ourselves the more that we spend time practicing listening to other spend time practicing listening to other spend time practicing listening to other people that's when we let those people that's when we let those people that's when we let those instincts that have been honed by instincts that have been honed by instincts that have been honed by millions and millions of years that's millions and millions of years that's millions and millions of years that's when we let those instincts out and when we let those instincts out and when we let those instincts out and that's when we just we have wonderful that's when we just we have wonderful that's when we just we have wonderful conversations well I'll tell you your conversations well I'll tell you your conversations well I'll tell you your research is a breath of fresh air as is research is a breath of fresh air as is research is a breath of fresh air as is the book and I'm looking forward to the book and I'm looking forward to the book and I'm looking forward to improving my communication skills every improving my communication skills every improving my communication skills every year so uh thank you for contributing to year so uh thank you for contributing to year so uh thank you for contributing to the field Charles the book is called uh the field Charles the book is called uh the field Charles the book is called uh super communicators it's available super communicators it's available super communicators it's available everywhere where are people able to everywhere where are people able to everywhere where are people able to track with you online these days I would track with you online these days I would track with you online these days I would love to hear from folks so my email is love to hear from folks so my email is love to hear from folks so my email is charlescharles dog.com if you send me an charlescharles dog.com if you send me an charlescharles dog.com if you send me an email I will read it and reply I can I email I will read it and reply I can I email I will read it and reply I can I can promise yeah I think I think we've can promise yeah I think I think we've can promise yeah I think I think we've there's like 32,000 that we've replied there's like 32,000 that we've replied there's like 32,000 that we've replied to so it's I I promise I promise you'll to so it's I I promise I promise you'll to so it's I I promise I promise you'll get a reply but equally if you just

get a reply but equally if you just get a reply but equally if you just Google me or you Google The Power of Google me or you Google The Power of Google me or you Google The Power of Habit or you Google super communicators Habit or you Google super communicators Habit or you Google super communicators um I'll come up and I'm on Twitter and um I'll come up and I'm on Twitter and um I'll come up and I'm on Twitter and Linkedin and all the normal places but I Linkedin and all the normal places but I Linkedin and all the normal places but I would love to hear from folks well keep would love to hear from folks well keep would love to hear from folks well keep curious stay curious keep writing keep curious stay curious keep writing keep curious stay curious keep writing keep research Ing and thank you so much for research Ing and thank you so much for research Ing and thank you so much for sharing and I really appreciate you sharing and I really appreciate you sharing and I really appreciate you which you didn't cover in the book but which you didn't cover in the book but which you didn't cover in the book but applying the principles to Stage applying the principles to Stage applying the principles to Stage communication man that is a gift I got I communication man that is a gift I got I communication man that is a gift I got I got to tell you it's made me rethink my got to tell you it's made me rethink my got to tell you it's made me rethink my next talk so really grateful next talk so really grateful next talk so really grateful conversation I will let you know I'll conversation I will let you know I'll conversation I will let you know I'll send you Char thank you thank you Carrie send you Char thank you thank you Carrie send you Char thank you thank you Carrie take care