Why Yelling Doesn’t Work (Especially in Church Leadership)

When was the last time you were When was the last time you were genuinely convinced by somebody yelling genuinely convinced by somebody yelling genuinely convinced by somebody yelling at you? And and let's actually nuance at you? And and let's actually nuance at you? And and let's actually nuance this a little bit more. What do you do this a little bit more. What do you do this a little bit more. What do you do when somebody just gets really mad at when somebody just gets really mad at when somebody just gets really mad at you and like they're like yelling at you you and like they're like yelling at you you and like they're like yelling at you and you're in leadership? And and then and you're in leadership? And and then and you're in leadership? And and then the other question, why do you sometimes the other question, why do you sometimes the other question, why do you sometimes feel like yelling at people and why do feel like yelling at people and why do feel like yelling at people and why do you do it? Especially when you're a you do it? Especially when you're a you do it? Especially when you're a leader, right? Like you're not supposed leader, right? Like you're not supposed leader, right? Like you're not supposed to do it. Think about it at the base to do it. Think about it at the base to do it. Think about it at the base level. Has screaming ever actually level. Has screaming ever actually level. Has screaming ever actually changed your mind about something changed your mind about something changed your mind about something important or did it just make you important or did it just make you important or did it just make you defensive and make you want to double defensive and make you want to double defensive and make you want to double down on your position? I've been down on your position? I've been down on your position? I've been thinking a lot about how we communicate thinking a lot about how we communicate thinking a lot about how we communicate especially in church leadership and I'm especially in church leadership and I'm especially in church leadership and I'm a little bit concerned about what I see a little bit concerned about what I see a little bit concerned about what I see and today I want to explore why yelling and today I want to explore why yelling and today I want to explore why yelling fails to persuade what actually works fails to persuade what actually works fails to persuade what actually works instead and what you should do when you instead and what you should do when you instead and what you should do when you are yelled at as a leader publicly and are yelled at as a leader publicly and are yelled at as a leader publicly and privately. And then I want to talk about privately. And then I want to talk about privately. And then I want to talk about what do you do when you feel like what do you do when you feel like what do you do when you feel like yelling. Ready to explore that? Let's yelling. Ready to explore that? Let's yelling. Ready to explore that? Let's go. No, I'm kidding. I'm not gonna yell go. No, I'm kidding. I'm not gonna yell go. No, I'm kidding. I'm not gonna yell at you. Okay, let's at you. Okay, let's at you. Okay, let's [Music] [Music] [Music] go. So, why do we yell? I mean, it's a go. So, why do we yell? I mean, it's a go. So, why do we yell? I mean, it's a great question, and I'm not a great question, and I'm not a great question, and I'm not a psychologist, but we do it, right? We do psychologist, but we do it, right? We do psychologist, but we do it, right? We do it to our kids. We do it in our it to our kids. We do it in our it to our kids. We do it in our marriage. But something happens publicly marriage. But something happens publicly marriage. But something happens publicly in the leadership sphere that is kind of in the leadership sphere that is kind of in the leadership sphere that is kind of interesting. So, I want you to think interesting. So, I want you to think interesting. So, I want you to think about how you behave in person. Like if about how you behave in person. Like if about how you behave in person. Like if you and I were sitting down for a cup of you and I were sitting down for a cup of you and I were sitting down for a cup of coffee, how would we have that coffee, how would we have that coffee, how would we have that conversation? And then I want you to conversation? And then I want you to conversation? And then I want you to think about you and I driving in the think about you and I driving in the think about you and I driving in the same lane on the highway and let's say same lane on the highway and let's say same lane on the highway and let's say I'm slowing you down in my SUV. Chances I'm slowing you down in my SUV. Chances I'm slowing you down in my SUV. Chances are you're going to be more aggressive

are you're going to be more aggressive are you're going to be more aggressive toward me on the highway than you would toward me on the highway than you would toward me on the highway than you would be in a coffee shop. The reason is be in a coffee shop. The reason is be in a coffee shop. The reason is you've got some body armor, right? you've got some body armor, right? you've got some body armor, right? you've got like 3,000 4,000 lb between you've got like 3,000 4,000 lb between you've got like 3,000 4,000 lb between you and me and some distance and we're a you and me and some distance and we're a you and me and some distance and we're a little bit anonymous and can kind of see little bit anonymous and can kind of see little bit anonymous and can kind of see it's me, but I'm annoying you because it's me, but I'm annoying you because it's me, but I'm annoying you because I'm going too slow, right? And you want I'm going too slow, right? And you want I'm going too slow, right? And you want to speed up. So maybe you're flicking to speed up. So maybe you're flicking to speed up. So maybe you're flicking your lights, you're tailing my bumper. your lights, you're tailing my bumper. your lights, you're tailing my bumper. You get more aggressive because there's You get more aggressive because there's You get more aggressive because there's this body armor impact phenomena that this body armor impact phenomena that this body armor impact phenomena that happens with human beings. It's the same happens with human beings. It's the same happens with human beings. It's the same thing that happens at war. You put on thing that happens at war. You put on thing that happens at war. You put on war paint, you put on a uniform, and war paint, you put on a uniform, and war paint, you put on a uniform, and suddenly you're the good guy and anybody suddenly you're the good guy and anybody suddenly you're the good guy and anybody who doesn't look like you is the bad who doesn't look like you is the bad who doesn't look like you is the bad guy. It makes it easier to shoot. Not guy. It makes it easier to shoot. Not guy. It makes it easier to shoot. Not criticizing the military. I'm just criticizing the military. I'm just criticizing the military. I'm just saying that's human psychology. And it saying that's human psychology. And it saying that's human psychology. And it even, you know, if you think about it, even, you know, if you think about it, even, you know, if you think about it, it even works a little bit in the it even works a little bit in the it even works a little bit in the grocery store, right? If you've got a grocery store, right? If you've got a grocery store, right? If you've got a cart in front of you and you're pushing cart in front of you and you're pushing cart in front of you and you're pushing it, you're going to be a tiny bit maybe it, you're going to be a tiny bit maybe it, you're going to be a tiny bit maybe more aggressive than you would be if it more aggressive than you would be if it more aggressive than you would be if it was just you walking around without a was just you walking around without a was just you walking around without a cart. So, that's interesting. What cart. So, that's interesting. What cart. So, that's interesting. What happens is we kind of anonymize people. happens is we kind of anonymize people. happens is we kind of anonymize people. When you and I are eyeball to eyeball in When you and I are eyeball to eyeball in When you and I are eyeball to eyeball in a coffee shop, at my home, at a table a coffee shop, at my home, at a table a coffee shop, at my home, at a table over dinner, it's very different. The over dinner, it's very different. The over dinner, it's very different. The challenge that we have when it comes to challenge that we have when it comes to challenge that we have when it comes to online life is that everybody's angry.

online life is that everybody's angry. online life is that everybody's angry. And so it gives permission for people in And so it gives permission for people in And so it gives permission for people in your church to be mad at you and behave your church to be mad at you and behave your church to be mad at you and behave badly. It gives permission for your badly. It gives permission for your badly. It gives permission for your staff to do it. It gives permission for staff to do it. It gives permission for staff to do it. It gives permission for you to do it. And I'm not justifying it. you to do it. And I'm not justifying it. you to do it. And I'm not justifying it. I'm just saying, hey, it's in the I'm just saying, hey, it's in the I'm just saying, hey, it's in the cultural water supply. So that's going cultural water supply. So that's going cultural water supply. So that's going to be a challenge. But what happens to be a challenge. But what happens to be a challenge. But what happens psychologically is your brain treats any psychologically is your brain treats any psychologically is your brain treats any incoming yelling as a threat and it incoming yelling as a threat and it incoming yelling as a threat and it triggers what you probably know triggers what you probably know triggers what you probably know psychologists call the amygdala hijack. psychologists call the amygdala hijack. psychologists call the amygdala hijack. Basically, your prefrontal cortex, the Basically, your prefrontal cortex, the Basically, your prefrontal cortex, the reasoning part of your brain, literally reasoning part of your brain, literally reasoning part of your brain, literally becomes less active. So, when you're becomes less active. So, when you're becomes less active. So, when you're triggered, you can't think as clearly or triggered, you can't think as clearly or triggered, you can't think as clearly or as rationally as you would as if you and as rationally as you would as if you and as rationally as you would as if you and I were just having a normal I were just having a normal I were just having a normal conversation. Research from psychologist conversation. Research from psychologist conversation. Research from psychologist Daniel Conaman shows that when you're Daniel Conaman shows that when you're Daniel Conaman shows that when you're threatened that way by somebody yelling threatened that way by somebody yelling threatened that way by somebody yelling at you, it doesn't actually change your at you, it doesn't actually change your at you, it doesn't actually change your mind. You double down your thinking. mind. You double down your thinking. mind. You double down your thinking. You're like, "Oh, well, that's what you You're like, "Oh, well, that's what you You're like, "Oh, well, that's what you think? Well, I'm going to tell you what think? Well, I'm going to tell you what think? Well, I'm going to tell you what I think." And you don't, you know, their I think." And you don't, you know, their I think." And you don't, you know, their yelling actually backfires on them. It yelling actually backfires on them. It yelling actually backfires on them. It makes it less of an argument and it makes it less of an argument and it makes it less of an argument and it makes you more defensive and it makes makes you more defensive and it makes makes you more defensive and it makes you hunker down. That's why almost you hunker down. That's why almost you hunker down. That's why almost nothing ever gets resolved when people nothing ever gets resolved when people nothing ever gets resolved when people are yelling at each other. And that's are yelling at each other. And that's are yelling at each other. And that's true in a leadership context as well. So true in a leadership context as well. So true in a leadership context as well. So if yelling doesn't work, why do we do if yelling doesn't work, why do we do if yelling doesn't work, why do we do it? Like why do you do it? Why do I do it? Like why do you do it? Why do I do it? Like why do you do it? Why do I do it? I've done it in my marriage. I've it? I've done it in my marriage. I've it? I've done it in my marriage. I've done it with unfortunately my team a done it with unfortunately my team a done it with unfortunately my team a couple of times over the years. You fall couple of times over the years. You fall couple of times over the years. You fall into the trap of thinking that you're into the trap of thinking that you're into the trap of thinking that you're the exception to the rule. You think, the exception to the rule. You think, the exception to the rule. You think, you know what, I'm going to convince you know what, I'm going to convince you know what, I'm going to convince this person. So sure, sometimes you're this person. So sure, sometimes you're this person. So sure, sometimes you're just upset. You think, "All right, it's just upset. You think, "All right, it's just upset. You think, "All right, it's an explosive reaction." That kind of an explosive reaction." That kind of an explosive reaction." That kind of thing. Sometimes you can convince thing. Sometimes you can convince thing. Sometimes you can convince yourself, "Well, I'm a passionate leader yourself, "Well, I'm a passionate leader yourself, "Well, I'm a passionate leader and I'm just going to yell and these and I'm just going to yell and these and I'm just going to yell and these people are going to change." And people are going to change." And people are going to change." And meanwhile, you're backfiring. What I meanwhile, you're backfiring. What I meanwhile, you're backfiring. What I have in me, what you have in you is an

have in me, what you have in you is an have in me, what you have in you is an impulse. And that impulse is going to impulse. And that impulse is going to impulse. And that impulse is going to take you in the opposite direction of take you in the opposite direction of take you in the opposite direction of where you want to go as a human being, where you want to go as a human being, where you want to go as a human being, as a follower of Jesus. And it's going as a follower of Jesus. And it's going as a follower of Jesus. And it's going to take you in the opposite direction of to take you in the opposite direction of to take you in the opposite direction of where your church needs to go and where where your church needs to go and where where your church needs to go and where your team needs to go. It's going to your team needs to go. It's going to your team needs to go. It's going to wreck your culture. Honestly, it's going wreck your culture. Honestly, it's going wreck your culture. Honestly, it's going to wreck your relationship. So you don't to wreck your relationship. So you don't to wreck your relationship. So you don't want to do it, but you do it because want to do it, but you do it because want to do it, but you do it because it's natural and it's in the water it's natural and it's in the water it's natural and it's in the water supply. The problem now for you is that supply. The problem now for you is that supply. The problem now for you is that if you're a leader, especially if you're if you're a leader, especially if you're if you're a leader, especially if you're a church leader, if that becomes part of a church leader, if that becomes part of a church leader, if that becomes part of your culture, you're kind of undoing the your culture, you're kind of undoing the your culture, you're kind of undoing the very gospel that you're supposed to be very gospel that you're supposed to be very gospel that you're supposed to be sharing, promoting, living, and sharing, promoting, living, and sharing, promoting, living, and culturating. And we make a couple of culturating. And we make a couple of culturating. And we make a couple of mistakes. So one of the mistakes we make mistakes. So one of the mistakes we make mistakes. So one of the mistakes we make is that we mistake volume for impact. is that we mistake volume for impact. is that we mistake volume for impact. All right? So you think, okay, I really All right? So you think, okay, I really All right? So you think, okay, I really said it. They heard it. They heard it said it. They heard it. They heard it said it. They heard it. They heard it from the front. They heard it at staff from the front. They heard it at staff from the front. They heard it at staff meeting. They heard it in the email. meeting. They heard it in the email. meeting. They heard it in the email. They heard it on my text. I used all They heard it on my text. I used all They heard it on my text. I used all caps. Now I've got impact. No, you just caps. Now I've got impact. No, you just caps. Now I've got impact. No, you just mistook volume for impact. In fact, you mistook volume for impact. In fact, you mistook volume for impact. In fact, you probably did some damage when you yell. probably did some damage when you yell. probably did some damage when you yell. You confuse emotional intensity with You confuse emotional intensity with You confuse emotional intensity with spiritual authority. All right, I'm spiritual authority. All right, I'm spiritual authority. All right, I'm going to assert my authority. Boom, going to assert my authority. Boom, going to assert my authority. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And listen, I'm an boom, boom, boom. And listen, I'm an boom, boom, boom. And listen, I'm an anagram 8. Okay, I understand how that anagram 8. Okay, I understand how that anagram 8. Okay, I understand how that works. Jesus asserted his authority by works. Jesus asserted his authority by works. Jesus asserted his authority by becoming a servant. So, no, you didn't becoming a servant. So, no, you didn't becoming a servant. So, no, you didn't win on that one either. And you think win on that one either. And you think win on that one either. And you think that passionate delivery equals that passionate delivery equals that passionate delivery equals passionate conviction. You know what?

passionate conviction. You know what? passionate conviction. You know what? The slow resolve is always more winsome The slow resolve is always more winsome The slow resolve is always more winsome than the the the fiery angry tirade that than the the the fiery angry tirade that than the the the fiery angry tirade that you deliver as a boss. So that is a real you deliver as a boss. So that is a real you deliver as a boss. So that is a real problem in church leadership and it's problem in church leadership and it's problem in church leadership and it's becoming almost acceptable in church becoming almost acceptable in church becoming almost acceptable in church leadership to yell. Often the most leadership to yell. Often the most leadership to yell. Often the most insecure leaders speak the loudest. So insecure leaders speak the loudest. So insecure leaders speak the loudest. So is that your insecurity speaking? That's is that your insecurity speaking? That's is that your insecurity speaking? That's something you should probably chase something you should probably chase something you should probably chase down. And if you think about the leaders down. And if you think about the leaders down. And if you think about the leaders who had the greatest impact in your who had the greatest impact in your who had the greatest impact in your life, were they the ones that yelled the life, were they the ones that yelled the life, were they the ones that yelled the most? Probably not. They're the ones who most? Probably not. They're the ones who most? Probably not. They're the ones who took you out for coffee. They're the took you out for coffee. They're the took you out for coffee. They're the ones who sat you down. They're the ones ones who sat you down. They're the ones ones who sat you down. They're the ones who had the conversation. They're the who had the conversation. They're the who had the conversation. They're the ones who made it real for you. Probably ones who made it real for you. Probably ones who made it real for you. Probably for me, when they were the gentlest with for me, when they were the gentlest with for me, when they were the gentlest with me, I was the most open. I think the me, I was the most open. I think the me, I was the most open. I think the people who speak with quiet confidence people who speak with quiet confidence people who speak with quiet confidence are probably the best. So, let's get are probably the best. So, let's get are probably the best. So, let's get down to brass tax and let's talk about down to brass tax and let's talk about down to brass tax and let's talk about what do you do when you're triggered what do you do when you're triggered what do you do when you're triggered publicly? What do you do when you're publicly? What do you do when you're publicly? What do you do when you're triggered privately? When you're triggered privately? When you're triggered privately? When you're triggered publicly, this is where triggered publicly, this is where triggered publicly, this is where somebody calls you out. It's not somebody calls you out. It's not somebody calls you out. It's not personal. You're not there face to face. personal. You're not there face to face. personal. You're not there face to face. So, they've sent you that text, they've So, they've sent you that text, they've So, they've sent you that text, they've sent you an email, they've trolled your sent you an email, they've trolled your sent you an email, they've trolled your social media channel, they've left you a social media channel, they've left you a social media channel, they've left you a nasty comment on YouTube, they've nasty comment on YouTube, they've nasty comment on YouTube, they've dropped an anonymous letter, you know, dropped an anonymous letter, you know, dropped an anonymous letter, you know, the kind that's, you know, cut from the kind that's, you know, cut from the kind that's, you know, cut from magazines and pasted on it. They've done magazines and pasted on it. They've done magazines and pasted on it. They've done stuff like that. When that's the case, stuff like that. When that's the case, stuff like that. When that's the case, there's almost no win. If you know the there's almost no win. If you know the there's almost no win. If you know the person, that's a little bit different.

person, that's a little bit different. person, that's a little bit different. We'll talk about that in a second. But We'll talk about that in a second. But We'll talk about that in a second. But if it's just some public rant, if it's if it's just some public rant, if it's if it's just some public rant, if it's some generic botlooking account, if it's some generic botlooking account, if it's some generic botlooking account, if it's somebody you don't know and you click somebody you don't know and you click somebody you don't know and you click over to their profile and they have like over to their profile and they have like over to their profile and they have like 75 followers and all of their comments 75 followers and all of their comments 75 followers and all of their comments are just angry, you know, bevies at are just angry, you know, bevies at are just angry, you know, bevies at people, I found the best thing is to people, I found the best thing is to people, I found the best thing is to ignore it. Now, I'm going to give you ignore it. Now, I'm going to give you ignore it. Now, I'm going to give you that advice and I'm going to tell you that advice and I'm going to tell you that advice and I'm going to tell you once or twice a year I decide I'm going once or twice a year I decide I'm going once or twice a year I decide I'm going to break my own rule. I'm going to go to break my own rule. I'm going to go to break my own rule. I'm going to go online and I'm going to correct this online and I'm going to correct this online and I'm going to correct this debate and I'm going to say, "Well, I'm debate and I'm going to say, "Well, I'm debate and I'm going to say, "Well, I'm sure they're a reasonable person under sure they're a reasonable person under sure they're a reasonable person under that, right?" So then I jump in and I that, right?" So then I jump in and I that, right?" So then I jump in and I try to answer their comment and you know try to answer their comment and you know try to answer their comment and you know what? It never works. It never works. It what? It never works. It never works. It what? It never works. It never works. It never works. And and Sharon McDan has never works. And and Sharon McDan has never works. And and Sharon McDan has said it. She said it publicly last year said it. She said it publicly last year said it. She said it publicly last year on my podcast. This year she wrote about on my podcast. This year she wrote about on my podcast. This year she wrote about it to all of her followers referencing it to all of her followers referencing it to all of her followers referencing my podcast. The meanest people on the my podcast. The meanest people on the my podcast. The meanest people on the internet are white Christians with internet are white Christians with internet are white Christians with scripture in their bio. I don't know scripture in their bio. I don't know scripture in their bio. I don't know what to do about that, but that's true. what to do about that, but that's true. what to do about that, but that's true. And there is no reasoning with an And there is no reasoning with an And there is no reasoning with an internet troll. You're going to lose internet troll. You're going to lose internet troll. You're going to lose that debate. So generally, if it's that debate. So generally, if it's that debate. So generally, if it's anonymous, if you don't know the person, anonymous, if you don't know the person, anonymous, if you don't know the person, leave it alone. Delete it. If you have leave it alone. Delete it. If you have leave it alone. Delete it. If you have to block it, you're just not going to to block it, you're just not going to to block it, you're just not going to win that discussion. If you know that win that discussion. If you know that win that discussion. If you know that person, it's like, you know, carry one person, it's like, you know, carry one person, it's like, you know, carry one two three. It's like, "Hey, that's two three. It's like, "Hey, that's two three. It's like, "Hey, that's Newuhoff. Here's what you do." And this Newuhoff. Here's what you do." And this Newuhoff. Here's what you do." And this gets us into what happens when you gets us into what happens when you gets us into what happens when you actually are triggered privately. You actually are triggered privately. You actually are triggered privately. You want to reply relationally. So, I've want to reply relationally. So, I've want to reply relationally. So, I've left a comment on your social media left a comment on your social media left a comment on your social media channel. You don't like it. It's channel. You don't like it. It's channel. You don't like it. It's aggressive, but you know me. And you got aggressive, but you know me. And you got aggressive, but you know me. And you got my cell number. You got my email. Call my cell number. You got my email. Call my cell number. You got my email. Call me. Um, just like, "Hey, Carrie, you me. Um, just like, "Hey, Carrie, you me. Um, just like, "Hey, Carrie, you know, I was on my YouTube channel today know, I was on my YouTube channel today know, I was on my YouTube channel today and I noticed you left a comment. Can we and I noticed you left a comment. Can we and I noticed you left a comment. Can we talk about it?" Well, that does a bunch talk about it?" Well, that does a bunch talk about it?" Well, that does a bunch of stuff. Number one, all of a sudden of stuff. Number one, all of a sudden of stuff. Number one, all of a sudden you've taken something that felt you've taken something that felt you've taken something that felt anonymous and negative and you made it

anonymous and negative and you made it anonymous and negative and you made it personal and I'm taken aback. I'm like, personal and I'm taken aback. I'm like, personal and I'm taken aback. I'm like, "Oh, hey, yeah, Josh. Um, yeah, about "Oh, hey, yeah, Josh. Um, yeah, about "Oh, hey, yeah, Josh. Um, yeah, about that uh comment." All of a sudden, you that uh comment." All of a sudden, you that uh comment." All of a sudden, you know, you're you're you're no longer in know, you're you're you're no longer in know, you're you're you're no longer in war paint. You're eyeball to eyeball. war paint. You're eyeball to eyeball. war paint. You're eyeball to eyeball. And that really really in itself usually And that really really in itself usually And that really really in itself usually deescalates conflict. And I've done that deescalates conflict. And I've done that deescalates conflict. And I've done that numerous times where I get an email, I numerous times where I get an email, I numerous times where I get an email, I may not even know the person, and it may not even know the person, and it may not even know the person, and it seems aggressive, but I'm not 100% sure. seems aggressive, but I'm not 100% sure. seems aggressive, but I'm not 100% sure. And sometimes I'll just pick up the call And sometimes I'll just pick up the call And sometimes I'll just pick up the call and go, "Hey, it's Carrie Newuhoff." and go, "Hey, it's Carrie Newuhoff." and go, "Hey, it's Carrie Newuhoff." First of all, they're shocked it's me. First of all, they're shocked it's me. First of all, they're shocked it's me. Number two, we have a good conversation. Number two, we have a good conversation. Number two, we have a good conversation. So, that can help. And then if you know, So, that can help. And then if you know, So, that can help. And then if you know, I'm just screaming at you after you call I'm just screaming at you after you call I'm just screaming at you after you call me, then you know Carrie really is a me, then you know Carrie really is a me, then you know Carrie really is a troll and I can't help him. But if you troll and I can't help him. But if you troll and I can't help him. But if you want to reply relationally, you want to want to reply relationally, you want to want to reply relationally, you want to escalate it, right? Turn an email into a escalate it, right? Turn an email into a escalate it, right? Turn an email into a coffee, uh, turn a comment into a phone coffee, uh, turn a comment into a phone coffee, uh, turn a comment into a phone call, that kind of thing, you're you're call, that kind of thing, you're you're call, that kind of thing, you're you're you're going to try to humanize that. you're going to try to humanize that. you're going to try to humanize that. So, that really helps. But what happens So, that really helps. But what happens So, that really helps. But what happens if you're put on the spot? What happens if you're put on the spot? What happens if you're put on the spot? What happens if it's not an email? You don't have if it's not an email? You don't have if it's not an email? You don't have time to react. Couple of things. Number time to react. Couple of things. Number time to react. Couple of things. Number one, follow the 24-hour rule. Nothing one, follow the 24-hour rule. Nothing one, follow the 24-hour rule. Nothing good happens when you're upset. When you good happens when you're upset. When you good happens when you're upset. When you are triggered, when that triggering are triggered, when that triggering are triggered, when that triggering comment triggers you, nothing good comment triggers you, nothing good comment triggers you, nothing good happens. Just wait. Go to sleep. Pray.

happens. Just wait. Go to sleep. Pray. happens. Just wait. Go to sleep. Pray. Read your Bible. Get a good night's Read your Bible. Get a good night's Read your Bible. Get a good night's sleep. Talk about it with some wise sleep. Talk about it with some wise sleep. Talk about it with some wise counsel. Say, "Hey, you know, can you counsel. Say, "Hey, you know, can you counsel. Say, "Hey, you know, can you come over here and have a look at this? come over here and have a look at this? come over here and have a look at this? This guy left me this comment. I don't This guy left me this comment. I don't This guy left me this comment. I don't know what to do." Or, "He said this in a know what to do." Or, "He said this in a know what to do." Or, "He said this in a meeting, the staff member did this to meeting, the staff member did this to meeting, the staff member did this to me, or somebody I know sent me this me, or somebody I know sent me this me, or somebody I know sent me this email. How do you read it?" You know, email. How do you read it?" You know, email. How do you read it?" You know, honestly, you can use AI. AI isn't bad honestly, you can use AI. AI isn't bad honestly, you can use AI. AI isn't bad at that. You can say, "Hey, I got this at that. You can say, "Hey, I got this at that. You can say, "Hey, I got this nasty email. Can you help me come up nasty email. Can you help me come up nasty email. Can you help me come up with an emotionally intelligent with an emotionally intelligent with an emotionally intelligent response?" You can do that as well. That response?" You can do that as well. That response?" You can do that as well. That really helps. But you want to wait a really helps. But you want to wait a really helps. But you want to wait a while. And what you're going to do in while. And what you're going to do in while. And what you're going to do in that time is you're going to calm down. that time is you're going to calm down. that time is you're going to calm down. You're going to get wise counsel. You're You're going to get wise counsel. You're You're going to get wise counsel. You're going to pray. You're going to pay going to pray. You're going to pay going to pray. You're going to pay attention. Secondly, then you want to attention. Secondly, then you want to attention. Secondly, then you want to engage it. You want to give that person engage it. You want to give that person engage it. You want to give that person the benefit of the doubt. I love what the benefit of the doubt. I love what the benefit of the doubt. I love what Tim Keller said. I asked him once when Tim Keller said. I asked him once when Tim Keller said. I asked him once when in an interview I did with him about how in an interview I did with him about how in an interview I did with him about how he handles criticism. And he just said, he handles criticism. And he just said, he handles criticism. And he just said, "There's always 1% truth there." And so, "There's always 1% truth there." And so, "There's always 1% truth there." And so, you might want to pray about it. You you might want to pray about it. You you might want to pray about it. You might want to say, "God, this is a lot might want to say, "God, this is a lot might want to say, "God, this is a lot of garbage to me, but is there 1% truth of garbage to me, but is there 1% truth of garbage to me, but is there 1% truth that I could really pay attention to?" that I could really pay attention to?" that I could really pay attention to?" And then own what you can of it and say, And then own what you can of it and say, And then own what you can of it and say, "I really want to understand. I want to "I really want to understand. I want to "I really want to understand. I want to hear." And don't defend yourself. Just hear." And don't defend yourself. Just hear." And don't defend yourself. Just listen. Now, you're saying, "Well, listen. Now, you're saying, "Well, listen. Now, you're saying, "Well, that's good if you have 24 hours, but if that's good if you have 24 hours, but if that's good if you have 24 hours, but if you're preaching and somebody comes down you're preaching and somebody comes down you're preaching and somebody comes down and they're like, "That's the worst and they're like, "That's the worst and they're like, "That's the worst sermon I ever heard." Or they catch you sermon I ever heard." Or they catch you sermon I ever heard." Or they catch you in the lobby and they're just yelling at in the lobby and they're just yelling at in the lobby and they're just yelling at you. What do you do then? The answer is you. What do you do then? The answer is you. What do you do then? The answer is say nothing. Just listen. Kind of brace say nothing. Just listen. Kind of brace say nothing. Just listen. Kind of brace yourself. Steal yourself. Don't respond.

yourself. Steal yourself. Don't respond. yourself. Steal yourself. Don't respond. and at the end just say thank you for and at the end just say thank you for and at the end just say thank you for your feedback and walk away. Why would your feedback and walk away. Why would your feedback and walk away. Why would you do that? You're not trying to shut you do that? You're not trying to shut you do that? You're not trying to shut them out. You're not trying to shut them them out. You're not trying to shut them them out. You're not trying to shut them down. But you are probably so triggered down. But you are probably so triggered down. But you are probably so triggered that there is nothing that's going to that there is nothing that's going to that there is nothing that's going to come out of your mouth that's going to come out of your mouth that's going to come out of your mouth that's going to make that situation better. When I get make that situation better. When I get make that situation better. When I get triggered like that, I promise you I triggered like that, I promise you I triggered like that, I promise you I have a million thoughts in my head. None have a million thoughts in my head. None have a million thoughts in my head. None of them are from Jesus. None of them are of them are from Jesus. None of them are of them are from Jesus. None of them are going to help me. I just got to shut up. going to help me. I just got to shut up. going to help me. I just got to shut up. And the only way I know how to how to And the only way I know how to how to And the only way I know how to how to how to make that situation any less bad how to make that situation any less bad how to make that situation any less bad than it is is to not say anything. Where than it is is to not say anything. Where than it is is to not say anything. Where does that leave us publicly? I don't does that leave us publicly? I don't does that leave us publicly? I don't think you're going to get very far when think you're going to get very far when think you're going to get very far when you're triggered. Probably leave it you're triggered. Probably leave it you're triggered. Probably leave it alone. Delete the comment. If you know alone. Delete the comment. If you know alone. Delete the comment. If you know the person, reply relationally, and then the person, reply relationally, and then the person, reply relationally, and then in the spot, wait 24 hours if you can. in the spot, wait 24 hours if you can. in the spot, wait 24 hours if you can. Get wise counsel. Pray about it. Think Get wise counsel. Pray about it. Think Get wise counsel. Pray about it. Think about it. Try to create an emotionally about it. Try to create an emotionally about it. Try to create an emotionally intelligent response. Elevate it intelligent response. Elevate it intelligent response. Elevate it relationally. Just take notes. Thank the relationally. Just take notes. Thank the relationally. Just take notes. Thank the person. You're not always going to person. You're not always going to person. You're not always going to agree. And then if you get cornered in agree. And then if you get cornered in agree. And then if you get cornered in the lobby or, you know, somebody stops the lobby or, you know, somebody stops the lobby or, you know, somebody stops you on the street, somebody walks into you on the street, somebody walks into you on the street, somebody walks into your office, unloads on you, thank you. your office, unloads on you, thank you. your office, unloads on you, thank you. And then just let them go. and then you And then just let them go. and then you And then just let them go. and then you can explode in the car later. Yelling can explode in the car later. Yelling can explode in the car later. Yelling doesn't really get you very far. Hey, if doesn't really get you very far. Hey, if doesn't really get you very far. Hey, if you found this helpful, I would love for you found this helpful, I would love for you found this helpful, I would love for you to subscribe. I am exploring how we you to subscribe. I am exploring how we you to subscribe. I am exploring how we can lead better in divided times, trying can lead better in divided times, trying can lead better in divided times, trying to help you with that. If you're to help you with that. If you're to help you with that. If you're inclined, please leave a comment. Maybe inclined, please leave a comment. Maybe inclined, please leave a comment. Maybe not an angry comment in all caps, but not an angry comment in all caps, but not an angry comment in all caps, but like leave a comment and let me know like leave a comment and let me know like leave a comment and let me know what you're learning about conflict, how what you're learning about conflict, how what you're learning about conflict, how to resolve it well in this very divided