Toxic Church Staff? Here’s How to Fix It

Church leadership is not easy and Church leadership is not easy and negativity within your team can make it negativity within your team can make it negativity within your team can make it even tougher maybe it's a single even tougher maybe it's a single even tougher maybe it's a single disruptive member or a deeper cultural disruptive member or a deeper cultural disruptive member or a deeper cultural issue we're not here to pretend that we issue we're not here to pretend that we issue we're not here to pretend that we are the ultimate experts on this he are the ultimate experts on this he are the ultimate experts on this he leads a church I lead the company leads a church I lead the company leads a church I lead the company serving churches so what we thought we'd serving churches so what we thought we'd serving churches so what we thought we'd do in this episode is break down our do in this episode is break down our do in this episode is break down our framework for how we prevent these framework for how we prevent these framework for how we prevent these issues and how we also solve for them issues and how we also solve for them issues and how we also solve for them when they inevitably crop up let's dive when they inevitably crop up let's dive when they inevitably crop up let's dive in well hey there and welcome to the pro in well hey there and welcome to the pro in well hey there and welcome to the pro Church tools show we're here to help you Church tools show we're here to help you Church tools show we're here to help you and your church navigate the biggest and your church navigate the biggest and your church navigate the biggest communication in 500 years I'm Brady communication in 500 years I'm Brady communication in 500 years I'm Brady Sher your host I'm joined as always by Sher your host I'm joined as always by Sher your host I'm joined as always by my co-host we call him the toxic teacher my co-host we call him the toxic teacher my co-host we call him the toxic teacher it's Alexander Mills hello it's Alexander Mills hello it's Alexander Mills hello hello Pastor Alex I don't post my hello Pastor Alex I don't post my hello Pastor Alex I don't post my sermons online so you'll never know if sermons online so you'll never know if sermons online so you'll never know if I'm a toxic teacher or not in my mind I'm a toxic teacher or not in my mind I'm a toxic teacher or not in my mind he's the F Furthest Thing from a toxic he's the F Furthest Thing from a toxic he's the F Furthest Thing from a toxic teacher but maybe you have one in your teacher but maybe you have one in your teacher but maybe you have one in your life we're here to talk through how to life we're here to talk through how to life we're here to talk through how to deal with such a thing with uh five deal with such a thing with uh five deal with such a thing with uh five steps five simple steps not so simple steps five simple steps not so simple steps five simple steps not so simple sometimes uh Pastor take us away with sometimes uh Pastor take us away with sometimes uh Pastor take us away with the first one well the first thing you the first one well the first thing you the first one well the first thing you got to do is you have to set the got to do is you have to set the got to do is you have to set the standard yourself so this is not going standard yourself so this is not going standard yourself so this is not going to help now but it will help next and I to help now but it will help next and I to help now but it will help next and I and I get that we want to like kick this and I get that we want to like kick this and I get that we want to like kick this off right away by dealing with our toxic off right away by dealing with our toxic off right away by dealing with our toxic teachers that you know are in our lives teachers that you know are in our lives teachers that you know are in our lives uh but for right now what we can do is uh but for right now what we can do is uh but for right now what we can do is already focus on building for what's already focus on building for what's already focus on building for what's next and I think that one of the best next and I think that one of the best next and I think that one of the best ways that you can practically do this ways that you can practically do this ways that you can practically do this and this has become recently illuminated and this has become recently illuminated and this has become recently illuminated for me is to ask God for vision into for me is to ask God for vision into for me is to ask God for vision into your blind spots M and then Cate when your blind spots M and then Cate when your blind spots M and then Cate when you feel like you get a glimpse of them

you feel like you get a glimpse of them you feel like you get a glimpse of them because I think in the same way when because I think in the same way when because I think in the same way when they do studies and they ask people are they do studies and they ask people are they do studies and they ask people are you a good driver and everyone says I'm you a good driver and everyone says I'm you a good driver and everyone says I'm an above average driver and you're like an above average driver and you're like an above average driver and you're like well if 80% of people are above average well if 80% of people are above average well if 80% of people are above average drivers something is not adding up I drivers something is not adding up I drivers something is not adding up I think if you ask people like do you have think if you ask people like do you have think if you ask people like do you have above average self-awareness most of us above average self-awareness most of us above average self-awareness most of us would be like look I know a lot of would be like look I know a lot of would be like look I know a lot of people who are a little bit but I am not people who are a little bit but I am not people who are a little bit but I am not one of them I have excellent one of them I have excellent one of them I have excellent selfawareness selfawareness selfawareness and the reality is is that I think you and the reality is is that I think you and the reality is is that I think you can actually even know if you were can actually even know if you were can actually even know if you were self-aware because it's kind of like self-aware because it's kind of like self-aware because it's kind of like when Moses said he was the most tble man when Moses said he was the most tble man when Moses said he was the most tble man on Earth it's like I that seems bit of a on Earth it's like I that seems bit of a on Earth it's like I that seems bit of a paradox that was Moses right it was I paradox that was Moses right it was I paradox that was Moses right it was I Moses said that Noah Moses yeah Moses Moses said that Noah Moses yeah Moses Moses said that Noah Moses yeah Moses wrote the first five books and he's like wrote the first five books and he's like wrote the first five books and he's like I'm the most humble person on Earth cuz I'm the most humble person on Earth cuz I'm the most humble person on Earth cuz he wrote them right if I'm wrong that's he wrote them right if I'm wrong that's he wrote them right if I'm wrong that's why you don't come here for why you don't come here for why you don't come here for theology so recently my wife and I had a theology so recently my wife and I had a theology so recently my wife and I had a bit of a conflict and she was kind of bit of a conflict and she was kind of bit of a conflict and she was kind of like at her like wits end in the middle like at her like wits end in the middle like at her like wits end in the middle of the holiday season and she's the type of the holiday season and she's the type of the holiday season and she's the type of person to like keep things bottled up of person to like keep things bottled up of person to like keep things bottled up and just keep on keeping on and she does and just keep on keeping on and she does and just keep on keeping on and she does not like conflict but there was this not like conflict but there was this not like conflict but there was this moment where she was like you know what moment where she was like you know what moment where she was like you know what I got a couple things to talk to you I got a couple things to talk to you I got a couple things to talk to you about and she laid out a few things that about and she laid out a few things that about and she laid out a few things that she's like and these are not easy for me she's like and these are not easy for me she's like and these are not easy for me and I was like huh I promise you I had and I was like huh I promise you I had and I was like huh I promise you I had never considered that and the next day I never considered that and the next day I never considered that and the next day I was reflecting and because this has was reflecting and because this has was reflecting and because this has happened a few times I honestly say this happened a few times I honestly say this happened a few times I honestly say this and I mean it with sincerity and I mean it with sincerity and I mean it with sincerity I was like this was such a gift that I I was like this was such a gift that I I was like this was such a gift that I pushed this woman to her wit's end to

pushed this woman to her wit's end to pushed this woman to her wit's end to the point where she finally told me what the point where she finally told me what the point where she finally told me what she really thought because when you live she really thought because when you live she really thought because when you live with someone and we both work from home with someone and we both work from home with someone and we both work from home and we are incredibly close husband and and we are incredibly close husband and and we are incredibly close husband and wife like you're just one person yeah wife like you're just one person yeah wife like you're just one person yeah and like you are so unaware of maybe and like you are so unaware of maybe and like you are so unaware of maybe some of the things that you do that some of the things that you do that some of the things that you do that irritate the other person because like irritate the other person because like irritate the other person because like you're just the same person and so for you're just the same person and so for you're just the same person and so for her to say that I was like what a win her to say that I was like what a win her to say that I was like what a win cuz I would never have had chance to cuz I would never have had chance to cuz I would never have had chance to start working on those things until she start working on those things until she start working on those things until she was very clear that I needed to work on was very clear that I needed to work on was very clear that I needed to work on them yeah sometimes you really do need them yeah sometimes you really do need them yeah sometimes you really do need kind of that third party objective kind of that third party objective kind of that third party objective perspective to help you along the perspective to help you along the perspective to help you along the Journey of Journey of Journey of self-awareness um and it can be really self-awareness um and it can be really self-awareness um and it can be really challenging in the in the actual Heat of challenging in the in the actual Heat of challenging in the in the actual Heat of the Moment to receive it well to be the Moment to receive it well to be the Moment to receive it well to be clear I didn't say I received it well In clear I didn't say I received it well In clear I didn't say I received it well In the Heat of the Moment I the next day I the Heat of the Moment I the next day I the Heat of the Moment I the next day I didn't say anything about what happened didn't say anything about what happened didn't say anything about what happened in the Heat of the Moment that's going in the Heat of the Moment that's going in the Heat of the Moment that's going remain redactive yes and like you know remain redactive yes and like you know remain redactive yes and like you know to to spiritualize it to me that's to to spiritualize it to me that's to to spiritualize it to me that's that's the picture of like the Journey that's the picture of like the Journey that's the picture of like the Journey of sanctification or even even salvation of sanctification or even even salvation of sanctification or even even salvation you know it's just like every day that you know it's just like every day that you know it's just like every day that I'm alive I ought to be trying to be I'm alive I ought to be trying to be I'm alive I ought to be trying to be conformed more into the image of Jesus conformed more into the image of Jesus conformed more into the image of Jesus and that happens over the course of a and that happens over the course of a and that happens over the course of a lifetime and hopefully like you and I lifetime and hopefully like you and I lifetime and hopefully like you and I are afforded like 80 90 100 years to are afforded like 80 90 100 years to are afforded like 80 90 100 years to figure that out oh praise God and um so figure that out oh praise God and um so figure that out oh praise God and um so but what that means is like every day but what that means is like every day but what that means is like every day like I've got some reforming to do right like I've got some reforming to do right like I've got some reforming to do right like I've got some whether it's sin or like I've got some whether it's sin or like I've got some whether it's sin or whatever like I I I have some growth whatever like I I I have some growth whatever like I I I have some growth from glory to glory to to experience and

from glory to glory to to experience and from glory to glory to to experience and you know who is it the Beatles who's you know who is it the Beatles who's you know who is it the Beatles who's like sometimes you just need to get by like sometimes you just need to get by like sometimes you just need to get by with a Little Help from your friends and with a Little Help from your friends and with a Little Help from your friends and often it comes in the form of your your often it comes in the form of your your often it comes in the form of your your wife can't quote the holy scriptures wife can't quote the holy scriptures wife can't quote the holy scriptures pastor but he can quote The Beatles um pastor but he can quote The Beatles um pastor but he can quote The Beatles um but that's like you know when we talk but that's like you know when we talk but that's like you know when we talk about folks on our our staff our about folks on our our staff our about folks on our our staff our volunteer teams or maybe it's just like volunteer teams or maybe it's just like volunteer teams or maybe it's just like congregants in the church that are congregants in the church that are congregants in the church that are really frustrating us or in the in the really frustrating us or in the in the really frustrating us or in the in the context of the title of this show like context of the title of this show like context of the title of this show like there's some toxicity going on it's there's some toxicity going on it's there's some toxicity going on it's imperative that as Leaders as as pastors imperative that as Leaders as as pastors imperative that as Leaders as as pastors worship leaders uh folks who are doing worship leaders uh folks who are doing worship leaders uh folks who are doing social media Ministry um to set the social media Ministry um to set the social media Ministry um to set the standard ourselves first and model this standard ourselves first and model this standard ourselves first and model this like journey of of progressive growth like journey of of progressive growth like journey of of progressive growth and following after Jesus and yeah and following after Jesus and yeah and following after Jesus and yeah setting that standard our ourself first setting that standard our ourself first setting that standard our ourself first and foremost and like you said like and foremost and like you said like and foremost and like you said like that's not going to help the situation that's not going to help the situation that's not going to help the situation you're you're going through right now you're you're going through right now you're you're going through right now which is why you're listening to this which is why you're listening to this which is why you're listening to this podcast be like oh what are they going podcast be like oh what are they going podcast be like oh what are they going to how am I going to deal with this to how am I going to deal with this to how am I going to deal with this stuff this this is not a stuff this this is not a stuff this this is not a that but this is about you know taking that but this is about you know taking that but this is about you know taking your responsibility for how you're going your responsibility for how you're going your responsibility for how you're going to lead your teams from this point to lead your teams from this point to lead your teams from this point forward and in the context of whatever forward and in the context of whatever forward and in the context of whatever person and or people that you're person and or people that you're person and or people that you're struggling with right now this is not an struggling with right now this is not an struggling with right now this is not an instant fix but it could be instrumental instant fix but it could be instrumental instant fix but it could be instrumental in repairing and or improving that in repairing and or improving that in repairing and or improving that personal and or professional personal and or professional personal and or professional relationship if you do commit to setting relationship if you do commit to setting relationship if you do commit to setting the standard yourself for the next 12 the standard yourself for the next 12 the standard yourself for the next 12 months because presumably unless this months because presumably unless this months because presumably unless this person leaves your church they're going person leaves your church they're going person leaves your church they're going to be part of your life so things might to be part of your life so things might to be part of your life so things might be challenging right now what can you do be challenging right now what can you do be challenging right now what can you do to control it is it you the one who to control it is it you the one who to control it is it you the one who always says love requires everything

always says love requires everything always says love requires everything they steal that from you yeah it's so they steal that from you yeah it's so they steal that from you yeah it's so funny you said that or is that the funny you said that or is that the funny you said that or is that the Beatles too no um it's it was me who Beatles too no um it's it was me who Beatles too no um it's it was me who said that I said it at your dad's said that I said it at your dad's said that I said it at your dad's wedding really yeah so it's a quote from wedding really yeah so it's a quote from wedding really yeah so it's a quote from Stanley howas who says um you we don't Stanley howas who says um you we don't Stanley howas who says um you we don't we don't get um says we don't fall in we don't get um says we don't fall in we don't get um says we don't fall in love and get married he says we get love and get married he says we get love and get married he says we get married and then and spend a lifetime married and then and spend a lifetime married and then and spend a lifetime learning what love requires and what I learning what love requires and what I learning what love requires and what I said to your your your dad on on the said to your your your dad on on the said to your your your dad on on the wedding day was like well love requires wedding day was like well love requires wedding day was like well love requires everything and I was in the back going everything and I was in the back going everything and I was in the back going oh right that that ever note podcast oh right that that ever note podcast oh right that that ever note podcast notes and now the best man oh notes and now the best man oh notes and now the best man oh sorry I'm ready I'm ready um I got the sorry I'm ready I'm ready um I got the sorry I'm ready I'm ready um I got the Rings the reason I wrote that down was Rings the reason I wrote that down was Rings the reason I wrote that down was because in the because in the because in the moment which will no longer stay moment which will no longer stay moment which will no longer stay redacted I thought like you kid but this redacted I thought like you kid but this redacted I thought like you kid but this isn't fair like what about all that I do isn't fair like what about all that I do isn't fair like what about all that I do for you that's where I went first and for you that's where I went first and for you that's where I went first and then I always come back to this because then I always come back to this because then I always come back to this because it's the ultimate trump card love it's the ultimate trump card love it's the ultimate trump card love requires everything because then it requires everything because then it requires everything because then it helps me practically put myself in the helps me practically put myself in the helps me practically put myself in the right posture of what Jesus demands of right posture of what Jesus demands of right posture of what Jesus demands of me which is like you lay down your life me which is like you lay down your life me which is like you lay down your life for your wife and if you love someone for your wife and if you love someone for your wife and if you love someone with all your heart that doesn't mean with all your heart that doesn't mean with all your heart that doesn't mean like fairness it means I just give 100% like fairness it means I just give 100% like fairness it means I just give 100% And I expect nothing in return that's And I expect nothing in return that's And I expect nothing in return that's the posture and so sometimes for me the posture and so sometimes for me the posture and so sometimes for me posture is difficult because like it's posture is difficult because like it's posture is difficult because like it's not as pragmatic and so love requires not as pragmatic and so love requires not as pragmatic and so love requires everything is a definitive statement everything is a definitive statement everything is a definitive statement that has no way to eek out of it just that has no way to eek out of it just that has no way to eek out of it just say love requires everything so you say love requires everything so you say love requires everything so you don't get anything it just requires don't get anything it just requires don't get anything it just requires everything okay well that's what it is

everything okay well that's what it is everything okay well that's what it is it always gets me in the right posture it always gets me in the right posture it always gets me in the right posture to move forward where I'm say great this to move forward where I'm say great this to move forward where I'm say great this is what's required of me everything have is what's required of me everything have is what's required of me everything have I given everything yet I have not so now I given everything yet I have not so now I given everything yet I have not so now I must Endeavor to do that right and so I must Endeavor to do that right and so I must Endeavor to do that right and so if you're dealing with a toxic person in if you're dealing with a toxic person in if you're dealing with a toxic person in church I think this posture can be church I think this posture can be church I think this posture can be helpful yes you're not married to this helpful yes you're not married to this helpful yes you're not married to this person though maybe you are because person though maybe you are because person though maybe you are because often that intersects too yeah but I often that intersects too yeah but I often that intersects too yeah but I mean if you're a Shepherd that is the mean if you're a Shepherd that is the mean if you're a Shepherd that is the posture that you're like you ought to posture that you're like you ought to posture that you're like you ought to take or you're working underneath take or you're working underneath take or you're working underneath someone who's toxic and and we'll get to someone who's toxic and and we'll get to someone who's toxic and and we'll get to that as well because it has its own that as well because it has its own that as well because it has its own unique challenges but if you come to unique challenges but if you come to unique challenges but if you come to this with like hey I am serving the this with like hey I am serving the this with like hey I am serving the church I am serving God's people love church I am serving God's people love church I am serving God's people love requires everything I am called to this requires everything I am called to this requires everything I am called to this personally there's an element to where personally there's an element to where personally there's an element to where I'm called to this professionally is I'm called to this professionally is I'm called to this professionally is this fair I don't know you know Jesus this fair I don't know you know Jesus this fair I don't know you know Jesus talks about taking the last seat at the talks about taking the last seat at the talks about taking the last seat at the table there's the Mantra Leaders Eat table there's the Mantra Leaders Eat table there's the Mantra Leaders Eat Last which I'm expecting thinking is Last which I'm expecting thinking is Last which I'm expecting thinking is inspired by the teaching Jesus the idea inspired by the teaching Jesus the idea inspired by the teaching Jesus the idea is like not what fair not where you are is like not what fair not where you are is like not what fair not where you are me to sit what you are owed the idea is me to sit what you are owed the idea is me to sit what you are owed the idea is like look I'm always going to put myself like look I'm always going to put myself like look I'm always going to put myself here and I'm going to elevate others and here and I'm going to elevate others and here and I'm going to elevate others and if you approach it in that if you approach it in that if you approach it in that way is there like the chance that you way is there like the chance that you way is there like the chance that you get like looked over that you get like get like looked over that you get like get like looked over that you get like walked on like I think that potential walked on like I think that potential walked on like I think that potential exists in the short term but I think in exists in the short term but I think in exists in the short term but I think in the long term as we learn with so much the long term as we learn with so much the long term as we learn with so much of Jesus's teachings in the upside down of Jesus's teachings in the upside down of Jesus's teachings in the upside down kingdom like it doesn't make kingdom like it doesn't make kingdom like it doesn't make sense immediately but when you choose to sense immediately but when you choose to sense immediately but when you choose to live that way for months and years and live that way for months and years and live that way for months and years and decades in a lifetime things do always decades in a lifetime things do always decades in a lifetime things do always work out as they should yeah there's one work out as they should yeah there's one work out as they should yeah there's one more element to setting the standard more element to setting the standard more element to setting the standard yourself that I wanted to talk about yourself that I wanted to talk about yourself that I wanted to talk about just a different wrinkle this year as we

just a different wrinkle this year as we just a different wrinkle this year as we discussed this framework that we have discussed this framework that we have discussed this framework that we have covered in the covered in the covered in the past understanding your own limits I'm past understanding your own limits I'm past understanding your own limits I'm learning is becoming I'm I'm beginning learning is becoming I'm I'm beginning learning is becoming I'm I'm beginning to learn is part of setting the standard to learn is part of setting the standard to learn is part of setting the standard yourself because I think as a leader in yourself because I think as a leader in yourself because I think as a leader in my 20s and my early 30s I've been my 20s and my early 30s I've been my 20s and my early 30s I've been leading this organization for coming up leading this organization for coming up leading this organization for coming up on 15 years on 15 years on 15 years um you you always have this like growth um you you always have this like growth um you you always have this like growth mindset right like anything's possible mindset right like anything's possible mindset right like anything's possible anything's doable and it's out of that anything's doable and it's out of that anything's doable and it's out of that delusion that like so much good is delusion that like so much good is delusion that like so much good is accomplished yeah and then there are accomplished yeah and then there are accomplished yeah and then there are other times where like that delusion is other times where like that delusion is other times where like that delusion is actually you not being fully aware of actually you not being fully aware of actually you not being fully aware of your own limits other people can see your own limits other people can see your own limits other people can see those limits they're very much aware of those limits they're very much aware of those limits they're very much aware of them and not only are you not them and not only are you not them and not only are you not acknowledging them but you're like on acknowledging them but you're like on acknowledging them but you're like on the exact side of the spectrum where the exact side of the spectrum where the exact side of the spectrum where you're like oh these limits don't exist you're like oh these limits don't exist you're like oh these limits don't exist and that's important to be mindful of I and that's important to be mindful of I and that's important to be mindful of I I I met with a different doctor this I I met with a different doctor this I I met with a different doctor this this this this past week and I won't this this this past week and I won't this this this past week and I won't give you go a practitioner not a doctor give you go a practitioner not a doctor give you go a practitioner not a doctor you know just osteopath I'm fine don't you know just osteopath I'm fine don't you know just osteopath I'm fine don't worry about it and and this is the worry about it and and this is the worry about it and and this is the second doctor who looked at me and said second doctor who looked at me and said second doctor who looked at me and said yeah like look man you're not going to yeah like look man you're not going to yeah like look man you're not going to be a be a be a bodybuilder why did doctors keep telling bodybuilder why did doctors keep telling bodybuilder why did doctors keep telling me this because they're telling me like me this because they're telling me like me this because they're telling me like you have the body of an endurance Runner you have the body of an endurance Runner you have the body of an endurance Runner okay like maybe go play soccer okay but okay like maybe go play soccer okay but okay like maybe go play soccer okay but like you're just you're not genetically like you're just you're not genetically like you're just you're not genetically you're just not predisposed to pack on you're just not predisposed to pack on you're just not predisposed to pack on the muscle and so maybe like you know the muscle and so maybe like you know the muscle and so maybe like you know dial it down in the gym you don't have dial it down in the gym you don't have dial it down in the gym you don't have to work out this hard because like maybe to work out this hard because like maybe to work out this hard because like maybe it's like this is I'm like and I tell it's like this is I'm like and I tell it's like this is I'm like and I tell and and it's it's hard to hear because and and it's it's hard to hear because and and it's it's hard to hear because you're like but like I can do anything

you're like but like I can do anything you're like but like I can do anything that's like the the mindset you need to that's like the the mindset you need to that's like the the mindset you need to like achieve big things and they're like like achieve big things and they're like like achieve big things and they're like you can't do anything your body says you can't do anything your body says you can't do anything your body says literally this and so now you have to literally this and so now you have to literally this and so now you have to balance and hold these two almost balance and hold these two almost balance and hold these two almost competing ideas together which is like competing ideas together which is like competing ideas together which is like you want to maintain this mind of growth you want to maintain this mind of growth you want to maintain this mind of growth and this idea of like yes we can achieve and this idea of like yes we can achieve and this idea of like yes we can achieve we can do things other people say it we can do things other people say it we can do things other people say it can't be done yes we and also like can't be done yes we and also like can't be done yes we and also like sometimes you have to know when this sometimes you have to know when this sometimes you have to know when this limitation truly exists and maybe it limitation truly exists and maybe it limitation truly exists and maybe it exists for a reason maybe it doesn't exists for a reason maybe it doesn't exists for a reason maybe it doesn't exist for a reason but either way this exist for a reason but either way this exist for a reason but either way this is an erected boundary that you have to is an erected boundary that you have to is an erected boundary that you have to understand yeah there's a spiritual understand yeah there's a spiritual understand yeah there's a spiritual principle to that too right which is principle to that too right which is principle to that too right which is just like acknowledging the our our just like acknowledging the our our just like acknowledging the our our finitude and our and our limits so that finitude and our and our limits so that finitude and our and our limits so that we depend entirely on the grace of God we depend entirely on the grace of God we depend entirely on the grace of God and not on our own capabilities or and not on our own capabilities or and not on our own capabilities or whatever um the next one here is in my whatever um the next one here is in my whatever um the next one here is in my experience where things really fall experience where things really fall experience where things really fall apart um when it comes to um you know apart um when it comes to um you know apart um when it comes to um you know toxicity and and challenging uh toxicity and and challenging uh toxicity and and challenging uh relationships or situations in relationships or situations in relationships or situations in relationships um and that's relationships um and that's relationships um and that's communication so number two is set the communication so number two is set the communication so number two is set the standard for communication right so if standard for communication right so if standard for communication right so if the first step is getting yourself in the first step is getting yourself in the first step is getting yourself in the right posture the second step is the right posture the second step is the right posture the second step is laying the rules out and setting the laying the rules out and setting the laying the rules out and setting the standard for communication could be said standard for communication could be said standard for communication could be said differently defining the rules for how differently defining the rules for how differently defining the rules for how you decide to fight and and by fight I you decide to fight and and by fight I you decide to fight and and by fight I basically just mean conflict resolution basically just mean conflict resolution basically just mean conflict resolution we all fight sometimes we fight in we all fight sometimes we fight in we all fight sometimes we fight in passive aggressive ways sometimes we passive aggressive ways sometimes we passive aggressive ways sometimes we fight in aggressive ways the more

fight in aggressive ways the more fight in aggressive ways the more intimate you are with someone usually intimate you are with someone usually intimate you are with someone usually the more intense the fight becomes and the more intense the fight becomes and the more intense the fight becomes and can become and so the fight is going to can become and so the fight is going to can become and so the fight is going to happen so what you need to do before the happen so what you need to do before the happen so what you need to do before the fight happens or before the next fight fight happens or before the next fight fight happens or before the next fight happens is Define the rules for here's happens is Define the rules for here's happens is Define the rules for here's how we are going to resolve conflict and how we are going to resolve conflict and how we are going to resolve conflict and really that comes down to communication really that comes down to communication really that comes down to communication so we have three rules for our own so we have three rules for our own so we have three rules for our own company number one disagreement is not company number one disagreement is not company number one disagreement is not disrespect this is an important rule disrespect this is an important rule disrespect this is an important rule because we do not want people to feel because we do not want people to feel because we do not want people to feel like they cannot disagree with an idea like they cannot disagree with an idea like they cannot disagree with an idea they cannot disagree with a decision they cannot disagree with a decision they cannot disagree with a decision they cannot disagree with uh a they cannot disagree with uh a they cannot disagree with uh a philosophy just because you disagree you philosophy just because you disagree you philosophy just because you disagree you are not are not are not disrespecting me as the leader right you disrespecting me as the leader right you disrespecting me as the leader right you are not disrespecting your peer that are not disrespecting your peer that are not disrespecting your peer that works across the table you are just works across the table you are just works across the table you are just disagreeing and out of that disagreement disagreeing and out of that disagreement disagreeing and out of that disagreement can come something good you can change can come something good you can change can come something good you can change your mind you cannot change your mind we your mind you cannot change your mind we your mind you cannot change your mind we can decide to move forward that's rule can decide to move forward that's rule can decide to move forward that's rule number one rule number two Unity is not number one rule number two Unity is not number one rule number two Unity is not uniformity this is especially important uniformity this is especially important uniformity this is especially important in churches because the idea of church in churches because the idea of church in churches because the idea of church at its best is it is the Confluence of at its best is it is the Confluence of at its best is it is the Confluence of people from all walks of life different people from all walks of life different people from all walks of life different ages different Generations different ages different Generations different ages different Generations different worldviews and political bents uh worldviews and political bents uh worldviews and political bents uh different socioeconomic backgrounds different socioeconomic backgrounds different socioeconomic backgrounds different ethnicities different different ethnicities different different ethnicities different languages different tribes all so the languages different tribes all so the languages different tribes all so the more diverse that the group of people is more diverse that the group of people is more diverse that the group of people is whether that's across age ethnicity whether that's across age ethnicity whether that's across age ethnicity income bracket whatever the more likely income bracket whatever the more likely income bracket whatever the more likely you're going to have different you're going to have different you're going to have different worldviews different Traditions worldviews different Traditions worldviews different Traditions different ways of approaching the same different ways of approaching the same different ways of approaching the same problem and yet we as the church are

problem and yet we as the church are problem and yet we as the church are called to be one body living in unity called to be one body living in unity called to be one body living in unity and so we have to thread this needle of and so we have to thread this needle of and so we have to thread this needle of understanding that Unity does not demand understanding that Unity does not demand understanding that Unity does not demand uniformity that's right and so sometimes uniformity that's right and so sometimes uniformity that's right and so sometimes there will be a problem that exists and there will be a problem that exists and there will be a problem that exists and we both agree we want to solve the we both agree we want to solve the we both agree we want to solve the problem and yet we might both think that problem and yet we might both think that problem and yet we might both think that the way to solve the problem is the way to solve the problem is the way to solve the problem is dramatically different the analogy here dramatically different the analogy here dramatically different the analogy here is that we both want to drive to the is that we both want to drive to the is that we both want to drive to the hospital let's say but one of us thinks hospital let's say but one of us thinks hospital let's say but one of us thinks the best way is back roads and the other the best way is back roads and the other the best way is back roads and the other one thinks the best way is the highway one thinks the best way is the highway one thinks the best way is the highway and before Google Maps existed we and before Google Maps existed we and before Google Maps existed we couldn't know which was the right way in couldn't know which was the right way in couldn't know which was the right way in that moment but now of course we can we that moment but now of course we can we that moment but now of course we can we can so maybe that's where the analogy can so maybe that's where the analogy can so maybe that's where the analogy well and that's why those first two well and that's why those first two well and that's why those first two rules are married right is because for rules are married right is because for rules are married right is because for anyone who's worked in church or anyone who's worked in church or anyone who's worked in church or belonged to a church like conceptually belonged to a church like conceptually belonged to a church like conceptually we know this that Unity is not we know this that Unity is not we know this that Unity is not uniformity because our communities are uniformity because our communities are uniformity because our communities are diverse and they bring a lot to the diverse and they bring a lot to the diverse and they bring a lot to the table and so if Unity does not look like table and so if Unity does not look like table and so if Unity does not look like uniformity well then that necessitates uniformity well then that necessitates uniformity well then that necessitates disagreement right you're going to disagreement right you're going to disagreement right you're going to disagree on some things hopefully not disagree on some things hopefully not disagree on some things hopefully not the majors but certainly the minors and the majors but certainly the minors and the majors but certainly the minors and that's why these first two are married that's why these first two are married that's why these first two are married is because well if Unity does not equal is because well if Unity does not equal is because well if Unity does not equal uniformity well then you're going to uniformity well then you're going to uniformity well then you're going to disagree and can you disagree without disagree and can you disagree without disagree and can you disagree without being without receiving it as disrespect being without receiving it as disrespect being without receiving it as disrespect um you know yes or no and hopefully um you know yes or no and hopefully um you know yes or no and hopefully hopefully you you can um and and and hopefully you you can um and and and hopefully you you can um and and and that's why like depending on what's that's why like depending on what's that's why like depending on what's going on at your church or in your teams going on at your church or in your teams going on at your church or in your teams you may actually have to spell this you may actually have to spell this you may actually have to spell this stuff out and like I don't know if you stuff out and like I don't know if you stuff out and like I don't know if you you need to post these on your wall or you need to post these on your wall or you need to post these on your wall or like or write them up as values and and like or write them up as values and and like or write them up as values and and talk about them explicitly because um if

talk about them explicitly because um if talk about them explicitly because um if they go unspoken we're going to talk they go unspoken we're going to talk they go unspoken we're going to talk about unspoken expectations a little bit about unspoken expectations a little bit about unspoken expectations a little bit later um maybe you bring these values to later um maybe you bring these values to later um maybe you bring these values to the table you listen to this podcast and the table you listen to this podcast and the table you listen to this podcast and you agree but if your team is not on the you agree but if your team is not on the you agree but if your team is not on the same page or your congregation's not on same page or your congregation's not on same page or your congregation's not on the same page well it's not really going the same page well it's not really going the same page well it's not really going to work out the way that you're dreaming to work out the way that you're dreaming to work out the way that you're dreaming it up um if you haven't quite spoken it up um if you haven't quite spoken it up um if you haven't quite spoken about it so about it so about it so um yeah those first two are certainly um yeah those first two are certainly um yeah those first two are certainly linked for sure so that's rule one and linked for sure so that's rule one and linked for sure so that's rule one and two number three say the quiet part out two number three say the quiet part out two number three say the quiet part out loud we've discussed this at Great loud we've discussed this at Great loud we've discussed this at Great length on the show so thoughts on this length on the show so thoughts on this length on the show so thoughts on this new one rule number four potential new one rule number four potential new one rule number four potential Workshop of here this one I first heard Workshop of here this one I first heard Workshop of here this one I first heard from the founder of Church media Squad from the founder of Church media Squad from the founder of Church media Squad and I thought that's a really good one and I thought that's a really good one and I thought that's a really good one he said we take our work seriously we he said we take our work seriously we he said we take our work seriously we don't take ourselves seriously the idea don't take ourselves seriously the idea don't take ourselves seriously the idea being like you can criticize like this being like you can criticize like this being like you can criticize like this project you can criticize the choices project you can criticize the choices project you can criticize the choices that we made like don't feel like you that we made like don't feel like you that we made like don't feel like you can't say I don't like this design and can't say I don't like this design and can't say I don't like this design and here's why because you're not going to here's why because you're not going to here's why because you're not going to hurt our feelings like we don't take hurt our feelings like we don't take hurt our feelings like we don't take ourselves seriously we're just trying to ourselves seriously we're just trying to ourselves seriously we're just trying to do the very best that we can thoughts do the very best that we can thoughts do the very best that we can thoughts did he say this to you in the context of did he say this to you in the context of did he say this to you in the context of work like he like you were the client work like he like you were the client work like he like you were the client yeah and he said like be candid with yeah and he said like be candid with yeah and he said like be candid with your feedback you will not hurt our your feedback you will not hurt our your feedback you will not hurt our feelings which I thought was very feelings which I thought was very feelings which I thought was very liberating totally and that requires liberating totally and that requires liberating totally and that requires like a great measure of maturity and to like a great measure of maturity and to like a great measure of maturity and to to our earlier conversation to our earlier conversation to our earlier conversation self-awareness to be able to divorce self-awareness to be able to divorce self-awareness to be able to divorce your identity from your work yeah which your identity from your work yeah which your identity from your work yeah which I think we know concep is the right I think we know concep is the right I think we know concep is the right thing or is at very least a good idea thing or is at very least a good idea thing or is at very least a good idea but put into practice it can be but put into practice it can be but put into practice it can be difficult especially in uh the area of difficult especially in uh the area of difficult especially in uh the area of creative work like you put so much of creative work like you put so much of creative work like you put so much of your self into Creative Expressions uh

your self into Creative Expressions uh your self into Creative Expressions uh in the church context whether it's um in the church context whether it's um in the church context whether it's um you know a sermon or other some other you know a sermon or other some other you know a sermon or other some other piece of content you create for the piece of content you create for the piece of content you create for the church it can be very difficult to church it can be very difficult to church it can be very difficult to divorce your identity from that piece of divorce your identity from that piece of divorce your identity from that piece of content but to be able to have open content but to be able to have open content but to be able to have open feedback and disagreement and non-un it feedback and disagreement and non-un it feedback and disagreement and non-un it um it almost requires that yeah and we I um it almost requires that yeah and we I um it almost requires that yeah and we I think we all would agree that this idea think we all would agree that this idea think we all would agree that this idea of you know your work and your worth of you know your work and your worth of you know your work and your worth being separated is important this is being separated is important this is being separated is important this is maybe py language that you can use to maybe py language that you can use to maybe py language that you can use to set up that value and hopefully Through set up that value and hopefully Through set up that value and hopefully Through Time build that culture take our work Time build that culture take our work Time build that culture take our work seriously we don't take ourselves seriously we don't take ourselves seriously we don't take ourselves seriously so step one we've set the seriously so step one we've set the seriously so step one we've set the posture for ourselves step two yeah posture for ourselves step two yeah posture for ourselves step two yeah we've set up the rules for how we're we've set up the rules for how we're we've set up the rules for how we're going to fight and now we go to step going to fight and now we go to step going to fight and now we go to step three okay you're going to need to three okay you're going to need to three okay you're going to need to address all Behavior or attitude issues address all Behavior or attitude issues address all Behavior or attitude issues in life of your Church's values and in life of your Church's values and in life of your Church's values and Mission so now we're dealing with there Mission so now we're dealing with there Mission so now we're dealing with there is a problem we are going to work with a is a problem we are going to work with a is a problem we are going to work with a person or group of people on how to fix person or group of people on how to fix person or group of people on how to fix it in our organization this has most it in our organization this has most it in our organization this has most practically expressed itself with either practically expressed itself with either practically expressed itself with either in a meeting or in a one-on-one a person in a meeting or in a one-on-one a person in a meeting or in a one-on-one a person coming to me or the group and saying in coming to me or the group and saying in coming to me or the group and saying in an effort to speak the quiet part out an effort to speak the quiet part out an effort to speak the quiet part out loud and then saying the thing at which loud and then saying the thing at which loud and then saying the thing at which point I point I point I went whose idea was that maybe maybe went whose idea was that maybe maybe went whose idea was that maybe maybe maybe I should have thought about this a maybe I should have thought about this a maybe I should have thought about this a little bit more uh here's another one so little bit more uh here's another one so little bit more uh here's another one so one of our values I want to get real one of our values I want to get real one of our values I want to get real practical with this to make sure like practical with this to make sure like practical with this to make sure like it's usable for churches one of our it's usable for churches one of our it's usable for churches one of our values is yes B yes no be no that value values is yes B yes no be no that value values is yes B yes no be no that value is defined like this quote people trust

is defined like this quote people trust is defined like this quote people trust us we hold that in high esteem keeping us we hold that in high esteem keeping us we hold that in high esteem keeping that trust demands that our words are that trust demands that our words are that trust demands that our words are pure and our actions live up to our pure and our actions live up to our pure and our actions live up to our words and yet opportunity will always words and yet opportunity will always words and yet opportunity will always exist to stretch intent in service of exist to stretch intent in service of exist to stretch intent in service of our own interests in light of this our our own interests in light of this our our own interests in light of this our commitment is to not manipulate since commitment is to not manipulate since commitment is to not manipulate since aize overpromise misdirect or in any way aize overpromise misdirect or in any way aize overpromise misdirect or in any way purposefully mislead people with our purposefully mislead people with our purposefully mislead people with our words we uphold and affirm this value words we uphold and affirm this value words we uphold and affirm this value through our actions so let's imagine through our actions so let's imagine through our actions so let's imagine that I was doing any type of problem that I was doing any type of problem that I was doing any type of problem solving or conflict resolution with an solving or conflict resolution with an solving or conflict resolution with an individual and let's say Alex had made a individual and let's say Alex had made a individual and let's say Alex had made a commitment to a client in some way and commitment to a client in some way and commitment to a client in some way and then it fell through and in his mind it then it fell through and in his mind it then it fell through and in his mind it was like yeah I was like no big deal was like yeah I was like no big deal was like yeah I was like no big deal like I had this meeting I missed this like I had this meeting I missed this like I had this meeting I missed this meeting and then I say well the reason meeting and then I say well the reason meeting and then I say well the reason it's important is not because like just it's important is not because like just it's important is not because like just we wasted that 30 minutes with that with we wasted that 30 minutes with that with we wasted that 30 minutes with that with that person's time but we have this that person's time but we have this that person's time but we have this value of this and every time that we value of this and every time that we value of this and every time that we choose to not uphold this value with our choose to not uphold this value with our choose to not uphold this value with our actions we are straying from the actions we are straying from the actions we are straying from the identity that we claim we are and it's identity that we claim we are and it's identity that we claim we are and it's important for us to make decisions that important for us to make decisions that important for us to make decisions that uphold our identity this is important uphold our identity this is important uphold our identity this is important because in this conversation with Alex because in this conversation with Alex because in this conversation with Alex and you know Alex he would never miss a and you know Alex he would never miss a and you know Alex he would never miss a meeting so don't worry about that the meeting so don't worry about that the meeting so don't worry about that the conflict here is not between him and I conflict here is not between him and I conflict here is not between him and I it's between us and the mission MH and it's between us and the mission MH and it's between us and the mission MH and this is the key that you want and this this is the key that you want and this this is the key that you want and this is why values are so important never let is why values are so important never let is why values are so important never let the conflict be between you and them the conflict be between you and them the conflict be between you and them instead it's US versus the mission are instead it's US versus the mission are instead it's US versus the mission are we aligned this is the same way same

we aligned this is the same way same we aligned this is the same way same reason why we uphold the idea of policy reason why we uphold the idea of policy reason why we uphold the idea of policy so much because hey you know if you want so much because hey you know if you want so much because hey you know if you want a request for a design to be made we a request for a design to be made we a request for a design to be made we just have a policy it needs three days just have a policy it needs three days just have a policy it needs three days okay but I need it in two days I'm sorry okay but I need it in two days I'm sorry okay but I need it in two days I'm sorry this is the policy that we set up and we this is the policy that we set up and we this is the policy that we set up and we all agreed to it I'm not saying no to all agreed to it I'm not saying no to all agreed to it I'm not saying no to your request yeah the policy saying no your request yeah the policy saying no your request yeah the policy saying no and that might sound right but like it and that might sound right but like it and that might sound right but like it really is powerful and and potent in really is powerful and and potent in really is powerful and and potent in these in these issues and it's even more these in these issues and it's even more these in these issues and it's even more so in issues where like it's just so in issues where like it's just so in issues where like it's just subjective because Alex look it's not a subjective because Alex look it's not a subjective because Alex look it's not a big deal like I just the client said it big deal like I just the client said it big deal like I just the client said it was fine no one cares why why are you was fine no one cares why why are you was fine no one cares why why are you making a big deal about this boss making a big deal about this boss making a big deal about this boss because the client said no big deal and because the client said no big deal and because the client said no big deal and I and then I can say I this isn't about I and then I can say I this isn't about I and then I can say I this isn't about me this is about the values and this is me this is about the values and this is me this is about the values and this is one of our values and so we have to live one of our values and so we have to live one of our values and so we have to live by this value because if we don't live by this value because if we don't live by this value because if we don't live by this value if we don't claim to who by this value if we don't claim to who by this value if we don't claim to who we say we are or if we don't prove to be we say we are or if we don't prove to be we say we are or if we don't prove to be who claim we are then what do we do well who claim we are then what do we do well who claim we are then what do we do well and and in church the stakes are so high and and in church the stakes are so high and and in church the stakes are so high because how we because how we because how we behave um whether it's in accordance behave um whether it's in accordance behave um whether it's in accordance with the values and the missions of the with the values and the missions of the with the values and the missions of the church or not it church or not it church or not it communicates a an awful lot about the communicates a an awful lot about the communicates a an awful lot about the story we're trying to tell which is the story we're trying to tell which is the story we're trying to tell which is the story of Jesus Christ and salvation of story of Jesus Christ and salvation of story of Jesus Christ and salvation of the world Stakes are even higher right the world Stakes are even higher right the world Stakes are even higher right so like the values and missions of your so like the values and missions of your so like the values and missions of your church is like is to preach the gospel church is like is to preach the gospel church is like is to preach the gospel you you say it in in all sorts of you you say it in in all sorts of you you say it in in all sorts of different ways your church you know different ways your church you know different ways your church you know dresses it up in different language but dresses it up in different language but dresses it up in different language but like at at the end of the day we're all like at at the end of the day we're all like at at the end of the day we're all trying to accomplish the same thing and trying to accomplish the same thing and trying to accomplish the same thing and so the way that we behave as uh leaders so the way that we behave as uh leaders so the way that we behave as uh leaders and staff and volunteers at church um if and staff and volunteers at church um if and staff and volunteers at church um if it's not in accordance with our mission it's not in accordance with our mission it's not in accordance with our mission and values well then it's contrary to

and values well then it's contrary to and values well then it's contrary to the story we're trying to tell and the story we're trying to tell and the story we're trying to tell and frankly said like that that's just not a frankly said like that that's just not a frankly said like that that's just not a good witness to the story of Jesus good witness to the story of Jesus good witness to the story of Jesus Christ so that's what's at stake here Christ so that's what's at stake here Christ so that's what's at stake here and so that's why we get and so that's why we get and so that's why we get to hold the values and missions up ad to hold the values and missions up ad to hold the values and missions up ad Mission up and and hold our behavior and Mission up and and hold our behavior and Mission up and and hold our behavior and our attitudes and and our words our our attitudes and and our words our our attitudes and and our words our actions up up against those things and actions up up against those things and actions up up against those things and say like is what I'm saying is what I'm say like is what I'm saying is what I'm say like is what I'm saying is what I'm doing is how I'm behaving doing is how I'm behaving doing is how I'm behaving interprofessionally is it faithful to interprofessionally is it faithful to interprofessionally is it faithful to these to the values and missions of our these to the values and missions of our these to the values and missions of our church and if not well then we've got church and if not well then we've got church and if not well then we've got some work to do here because we've all some work to do here because we've all some work to do here because we've all agreed that like this is what we're agreed that like this is what we're agreed that like this is what we're trying to do here at this church this is trying to do here at this church this is trying to do here at this church this is the story we're trying to tell and what the story we're trying to tell and what the story we're trying to tell and what we do with our our actions our Behavior we do with our our actions our Behavior we do with our our actions our Behavior our bodies tells it either affirms this our bodies tells it either affirms this our bodies tells it either affirms this this confession or it doesn't so that's this confession or it doesn't so that's this confession or it doesn't so that's what's at stake in working relationships what's at stake in working relationships what's at stake in working relationships at church so we've talked about the at church so we've talked about the at church so we've talked about the posture for you we've talked about rules posture for you we've talked about rules posture for you we've talked about rules for conflict we've talked about for conflict we've talked about for conflict we've talked about practically doing conflict resolution practically doing conflict resolution practically doing conflict resolution and linking everything to the values of and linking everything to the values of and linking everything to the values of the church as three steps down two to go the church as three steps down two to go the church as three steps down two to go number four earn Equity earn Equity this number four earn Equity earn Equity this number four earn Equity earn Equity this is the simple reminder with some neat is the simple reminder with some neat is the simple reminder with some neat alliteration everyone wants to feel alliteration everyone wants to feel alliteration everyone wants to feel known and needed when you are dealing known and needed when you are dealing known and needed when you are dealing with a person with a person with a person whether this is the person above you whether this is the person above you whether this is the person above you adjacent to you in the org chart beneath adjacent to you in the org chart beneath adjacent to you in the org chart beneath you got to ask you got to ask you got to ask yourself in any way is this person like yourself in any way is this person like yourself in any way is this person like vulnerable to the idea of them feeling vulnerable to the idea of them feeling vulnerable to the idea of them feeling known and needed because if they are known and needed because if they are known and needed because if they are that can often be the root of the issue

that can often be the root of the issue that can often be the root of the issue and you and you can get them in a and you and you can get them in a and you and you can get them in a one-on-one or in a group setting and you one-on-one or in a group setting and you one-on-one or in a group setting and you say here here are our values we need to say here here are our values we need to say here here are our values we need to decide to live by them you know decide to live by them you know decide to live by them you know intellectually everyone's like yeah I intellectually everyone's like yeah I intellectually everyone's like yeah I agree but if that person doesn't feel agree but if that person doesn't feel agree but if that person doesn't feel known if they don't feel needed that is known if they don't feel needed that is known if they don't feel needed that is going to be a long-term vulnerability going to be a long-term vulnerability going to be a long-term vulnerability that like will be exploited by our own that like will be exploited by our own that like will be exploited by our own Humanity where we're just like ah I suck Humanity where we're just like ah I suck Humanity where we're just like ah I suck like I'm not good enough like nobody like I'm not good enough like nobody like I'm not good enough like nobody wants me here like and they can wants me here like and they can wants me here like and they can intellectually agree with something but intellectually agree with something but intellectually agree with something but their heart's not going to be fully and their heart's not going to be fully and their heart's not going to be fully and so this is where earning Equity with so this is where earning Equity with so this is where earning Equity with people is important and that Equity can people is important and that Equity can people is important and that Equity can be as simple as like how long have you be as simple as like how long have you be as simple as like how long have you worked with this person like if you've worked with this person like if you've worked with this person like if you've been through fires with this person like been through fires with this person like been through fires with this person like you've got a ton of equity likely and so you've got a ton of equity likely and so you've got a ton of equity likely and so like you can treat them differently than like you can treat them differently than like you can treat them differently than a person who's new totally uh this could a person who's new totally uh this could a person who's new totally uh this could be as simple as like are you spending be as simple as like are you spending be as simple as like are you spending time with this person have you checked time with this person have you checked time with this person have you checked up on them outside of work outside of up on them outside of work outside of up on them outside of work outside of work yeah has it been how you know how's work yeah has it been how you know how's work yeah has it been how you know how's family oh like what are you doing for family oh like what are you doing for family oh like what are you doing for Christmas this year or what did you do Christmas this year or what did you do Christmas this year or what did you do oh how was the New Year whatever it oh how was the New Year whatever it oh how was the New Year whatever it might be right like it could be that a might be right like it could be that a might be right like it could be that a new one for me that I wanted to add new one for me that I wanted to add new one for me that I wanted to add another new wrinkle is asking the another new wrinkle is asking the another new wrinkle is asking the question is this person underresourced question is this person underresourced question is this person underresourced this this past year there a couple this this past year there a couple this this past year there a couple people in the company and they just kind people in the company and they just kind people in the company and they just kind of kept like bringing a little negative of kept like bringing a little negative of kept like bringing a little negative Spirit to some things and we do it like Spirit to some things and we do it like Spirit to some things and we do it like hey this is the identity that we want to hey this is the identity that we want to hey this is the identity that we want to have and these things might might seem have and these things might might seem have and these things might might seem small but let let's root that bitterness small but let let's root that bitterness small but let let's root that bitterness like in the bud so it doesn't like grow like in the bud so it doesn't like grow like in the bud so it doesn't like grow to something bigger we don't want that to something bigger we don't want that to something bigger we don't want that negativity and they be like yeah yeah negativity and they be like yeah yeah negativity and they be like yeah yeah you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right you're right and then a few weeks later the and then a few weeks later the and then a few weeks later the negativity would return and I'd be like negativity would return and I'd be like negativity would return and I'd be like have I set the standard myself I think I have I set the standard myself I think I have I set the standard myself I think I don't think this is based on me okay and don't think this is based on me okay and don't think this is based on me okay and like they're definitely saying the quiet

like they're definitely saying the quiet like they're definitely saying the quiet part out loud but I don't know if that's part out loud but I don't know if that's part out loud but I don't know if that's useful here okay like we've talked about useful here okay like we've talked about useful here okay like we've talked about the values like what okay now what do I the values like what okay now what do I the values like what okay now what do I do you've got relational Equity got a do you've got relational Equity got a do you've got relational Equity got a ton of relational equity and then it ton of relational equity and then it ton of relational equity and then it became clear it's like okay these people became clear it's like okay these people became clear it's like okay these people are like continually underresourced and are like continually underresourced and are like continually underresourced and because they're underresourced they're because they're underresourced they're because they're underresourced they're like working from a place of like like working from a place of like like working from a place of like overdrawn at all times and so like you overdrawn at all times and so like you overdrawn at all times and so like you can ask them as much as you want but can ask them as much as you want but can ask them as much as you want but it's like if you're not getting sleep as it's like if you're not getting sleep as it's like if you're not getting sleep as an example yeah like you're going to be an example yeah like you're going to be an example yeah like you're going to be cranky it's like you know being cranky cranky it's like you know being cranky cranky it's like you know being cranky is not a value we have in our family is not a value we have in our family is not a value we have in our family yeah yeah I know but like I don't sleep yeah yeah I know but like I don't sleep yeah yeah I know but like I don't sleep okay so you are under resourced so what okay so you are under resourced so what okay so you are under resourced so what do we do we properly resourced those do we do we properly resourced those do we do we properly resourced those people and I asked them later like is people and I asked them later like is people and I asked them later like is your life better like it's a lot better your life better like it's a lot better your life better like it's a lot better and I was like okay okay this is a new and I was like okay okay this is a new and I was like okay okay this is a new one right this down braid because this one right this down braid because this one right this down braid because this was a blind spot that you had that you was a blind spot that you had that you was a blind spot that you had that you had not encountered in previous years had not encountered in previous years had not encountered in previous years yeah and I think the reason this is yeah and I think the reason this is yeah and I think the reason this is important is obvious what I want to add important is obvious what I want to add important is obvious what I want to add to it is when we go on these pods and we to it is when we go on these pods and we to it is when we go on these pods and we go through these like go through these like go through these like Steps it makes it sound that we're like Steps it makes it sound that we're like Steps it makes it sound that we're like oh and I encountered this issue so I oh and I encountered this issue so I oh and I encountered this issue so I consulted my five-step framework and I consulted my five-step framework and I consulted my five-step framework and I said ah step four I guarantee you that said ah step four I guarantee you that said ah step four I guarantee you that when it happens I go when it happens I go when it happens I go like in the moment it's never the right like in the moment it's never the right like in the moment it's never the right time in the moment I'm always dealing time in the moment I'm always dealing time in the moment I'm always dealing with other things it's like oh more with other things it's like oh more with other things it's like oh more people conflict like I started this people conflict like I started this people conflict like I started this business CU I wanted to write in my own business CU I wanted to write in my own business CU I wanted to write in my own room and now there's 30 of you and room and now there's 30 of you and room and now there's 30 of you and there's always something wrong and these there's always something wrong and these there's always something wrong and these Frameworks exist for me because Frameworks exist for me because Frameworks exist for me because otherwise I would go crazy and so I

otherwise I would go crazy and so I otherwise I would go crazy and so I always like take like my I take a moment always like take like my I take a moment always like take like my I take a moment and I and I and I go and I'm like all right I have go and I'm like all right I have go and I'm like all right I have exercised that emotion and now I will exercised that emotion and now I will exercised that emotion and now I will approach this as a competent and mature approach this as a competent and mature approach this as a competent and mature leader right so if you feel that way and leader right so if you feel that way and leader right so if you feel that way and you feel like it's naive or unrealistic you feel like it's naive or unrealistic you feel like it's naive or unrealistic to do these things just know like to do these things just know like to do these things just know like there's another part to this that I'm there's another part to this that I'm there's another part to this that I'm not sharing which is like yes I I you not sharing which is like yes I I you not sharing which is like yes I I you know there's an internal and usually know there's an internal and usually know there's an internal and usually audible external groan sure but you're audible external groan sure but you're audible external groan sure but you're working at home alone so you get to do working at home alone so you get to do working at home alone so you get to do that yeah except when we were here and that yeah except when we were here and that yeah except when we were here and someone rested can we talk and I was someone rested can we talk and I was someone rested can we talk and I was like you like what's that and then I like you like what's that and then I like you like what's that and then I clicked it open and it was like can we clicked it open and it was like can we clicked it open and it was like can we talk about how to design this and I was talk about how to design this and I was talk about how to design this and I was like okay great it's not interpersonal like okay great it's not interpersonal like okay great it's not interpersonal it's just design I can do that nice okay it's just design I can do that nice okay it's just design I can do that nice okay Fifth and final one um Fifth and final one um Fifth and final one um this one this one will get you tripped this one this one will get you tripped this one this one will get you tripped up clarifying expectations yeah so you up clarifying expectations yeah so you up clarifying expectations yeah so you let's say youve tried everything and let's say youve tried everything and let's say youve tried everything and you're still kind of running into the you're still kind of running into the you're still kind of running into the same old same old same old issue this is where a try because issue this is where a try because issue this is where a try because especially when you've worked with especially when you've worked with especially when you've worked with someone for a long time or you're in a someone for a long time or you're in a someone for a long time or you're in a church and it's a small group um you're church and it's a small group um you're church and it's a small group um you're not you're not practicing this you just not you're not practicing this you just not you're not practicing this you just like assume everyone's on the same page like assume everyone's on the same page like assume everyone's on the same page and I have found more often than not in and I have found more often than not in and I have found more often than not in moments and in situations where you moments and in situations where you moments and in situations where you think no it can't think no it can't think no it can't it can't possibly be this one of the it can't possibly be this one of the it can't possibly be this one of the roots issue is just misaligned roots issue is just misaligned roots issue is just misaligned expectations you are observing something expectations you are observing something expectations you are observing something that a staff member has no idea is a that a staff member has no idea is a that a staff member has no idea is a problem yeah or you are observing problem yeah or you are observing problem yeah or you are observing something that even if you told them you something that even if you told them you something that even if you told them you were observing it they would still say were observing it they would still say were observing it they would still say well what's the problem sometimes people well what's the problem sometimes people well what's the problem sometimes people have their own blind spots but sometimes

have their own blind spots but sometimes have their own blind spots but sometimes people are also just like not even aware people are also just like not even aware people are also just like not even aware of how Behavior can be destructive or of how Behavior can be destructive or of how Behavior can be destructive or can be counterproductive and just like can be counterproductive and just like can be counterproductive and just like bringing that to the table and making it bringing that to the table and making it bringing that to the table and making it clear and the other truth about this is clear and the other truth about this is clear and the other truth about this is that this is a thing that often has to that this is a thing that often has to that this is a thing that often has to be redone because everyone drifts with be redone because everyone drifts with be redone because everyone drifts with their behavior especially when you've their behavior especially when you've their behavior especially when you've been in an org for a long time yes been in an org for a long time yes been in an org for a long time yes sometimes this happens with um with our sometimes this happens with um with our sometimes this happens with um with our housekeepers they'll do a great job and housekeepers they'll do a great job and housekeepers they'll do a great job and then you notice like a year later like I then you notice like a year later like I then you notice like a year later like I don't I feel is it and and and my wife's don't I feel is it and and and my wife's don't I feel is it and and and my wife's usually the one that notic she like yeah usually the one that notic she like yeah usually the one that notic she like yeah like it's just not the quite same like it's just not the quite same like it's just not the quite same attention to detail and I'm like yeah I attention to detail and I'm like yeah I attention to detail and I'm like yeah I get it like that's work where it's get it like that's work where it's get it like that's work where it's repetitive and you're doing the same repetitive and you're doing the same repetitive and you're doing the same thing week after week and so I'll be thing week after week and so I'll be thing week after week and so I'll be like hey we noticed X Y and Z and like hey we noticed X Y and Z and like hey we noticed X Y and Z and they're like ah you're right you know they're like ah you're right you know they're like ah you're right you know what we'll D and then they just double what we'll D and then they just double what we'll D and then they just double back down and I was just I'm just like back down and I was just I'm just like back down and I was just I'm just like yeah that's that's human nature like yeah that's that's human nature like yeah that's that's human nature like like yes you know if you're doing the like yes you know if you're doing the like yes you know if you're doing the same repetitive task over and over again same repetitive task over and over again same repetitive task over and over again like subconsciously you might just start like subconsciously you might just start like subconsciously you might just start to like cut Corners a little bit and so to like cut Corners a little bit and so to like cut Corners a little bit and so I cleaned that toilet last week it's not I cleaned that toilet last week it's not I cleaned that toilet last week it's not that dirty yeah they're not going to do that dirty yeah they're not going to do that dirty yeah they're not going to do it this week well I hope they do it this week well I hope they do it this week well I hope they do it um in our home we talk a lot about it um in our home we talk a lot about it um in our home we talk a lot about unspoken expectations okay which you unspoken expectations okay which you unspoken expectations okay which you kind of alluded to which is like kind of alluded to which is like kind of alluded to which is like especially in smaller in smaller teams especially in smaller in smaller teams especially in smaller in smaller teams and then also in relationships that have and then also in relationships that have and then also in relationships that have gone on for quite some time where you're gone on for quite some time where you're gone on for quite some time where you're very familiar it can be easy to have very familiar it can be easy to have very familiar it can be easy to have unspoken expectations that thing of like unspoken expectations that thing of like unspoken expectations that thing of like yeah just like assume like you yeah just like assume like you yeah just like assume like you understood what I was expecting or this understood what I was expecting or this understood what I was expecting or this that and the other but the thing about that and the other but the thing about that and the other but the thing about unspoken expectations is that when the unspoken expectations is that when the unspoken expectations is that when the other person disappoints your other person disappoints your other person disappoints your expectation it's they're actually not

expectation it's they're actually not expectation it's they're actually not responsible for that because you you it responsible for that because you you it responsible for that because you you it was unspoken you didn't let them know was unspoken you didn't let them know was unspoken you didn't let them know and but that inevitably happens I have and but that inevitably happens I have and but that inevitably happens I have an unspoken expectation of you you don't an unspoken expectation of you you don't an unspoken expectation of you you don't meet it because you don't know about it meet it because you don't know about it meet it because you don't know about it now all of a sudden I'm upset I'm now all of a sudden I'm upset I'm now all of a sudden I'm upset I'm disappointed in you I think you've disappointed in you I think you've disappointed in you I think you've sinned against me but it's like hold on sinned against me but it's like hold on sinned against me but it's like hold on you never actually told me so how was I you never actually told me so how was I you never actually told me so how was I supposed to know and like I said in supposed to know and like I said in supposed to know and like I said in smaller teams and especially in smaller teams and especially in smaller teams and especially in relationships that have gone on for relationships that have gone on for relationships that have gone on for quite some time um it's it's easy it quite some time um it's it's easy it quite some time um it's it's easy it might even be human nature to just might even be human nature to just might even be human nature to just assume like yeah you know what I expect assume like yeah you know what I expect assume like yeah you know what I expect of you but we in our home in in our uh of you but we in our home in in our uh of you but we in our home in in our uh marital relationship rebec and I have to marital relationship rebec and I have to marital relationship rebec and I have to check ourselves all the time it's like check ourselves all the time it's like check ourselves all the time it's like yeah I it's it makes sense for me to yeah I it's it makes sense for me to yeah I it's it makes sense for me to expect you to do a or C but like if I'm expect you to do a or C but like if I'm expect you to do a or C but like if I'm not saying that out loud that's my not saying that out loud that's my not saying that out loud that's my that's on me that's my responsibility that's on me that's my responsibility that's on me that's my responsibility and so we're checking each other all the and so we're checking each other all the and so we're checking each other all the time it's like hey like just be clear time it's like hey like just be clear time it's like hey like just be clear with what you're expecting of me so that with what you're expecting of me so that with what you're expecting of me so that I can know and I can follow through on I can know and I can follow through on I can know and I can follow through on that and if I don't then it's my that and if I don't then it's my that and if I don't then it's my responsibility but if you haven't told responsibility but if you haven't told responsibility but if you haven't told me uh I I can't be responsible because I me uh I I can't be responsible because I me uh I I can't be responsible because I didn't know and this is not just for didn't know and this is not just for didn't know and this is not just for leaders this is for any you've mentioned leaders this is for any you've mentioned leaders this is for any you've mentioned it uh any any degree of Direction in the it uh any any degree of Direction in the it uh any any degree of Direction in the orc chart when you have expectations of orc chart when you have expectations of orc chart when you have expectations of someone they have to be spoken they have someone they have to be spoken they have someone they have to be spoken they have to be clear to be clear to be clear um I mean even best if they're um I mean even best if they're um I mean even best if they're documented somehow um like in our office documented somehow um like in our office documented somehow um like in our office we have like standard operating we have like standard operating we have like standard operating procedures for stuff like this like procedures for stuff like this like procedures for stuff like this like policies where it's like okay we we policies where it's like okay we we policies where it's like okay we we recorded the expectation so that anytime recorded the expectation so that anytime recorded the expectation so that anytime we're doing some work in this vein like we're doing some work in this vein like we're doing some work in this vein like we have this written docu document to we have this written docu document to we have this written docu document to Circle back to so that we know what the Circle back to so that we know what the Circle back to so that we know what the expectation is so that we don't have to expectation is so that we don't have to expectation is so that we don't have to be verbally repeating it all the time be verbally repeating it all the time be verbally repeating it all the time but yeah making sure that any but yeah making sure that any but yeah making sure that any expectation is either spoken or like or

expectation is either spoken or like or expectation is either spoken or like or actually recorded somewhere for for actually recorded somewhere for for actually recorded somewhere for for revisiting um will really lead to to revisiting um will really lead to to revisiting um will really lead to to not being avoiding disappointment as not being avoiding disappointment as not being avoiding disappointment as much as possible yeah and I'd say this much as possible yeah and I'd say this much as possible yeah and I'd say this type of thing is really something to type of thing is really something to type of thing is really something to watch for in young relationships and old watch for in young relationships and old watch for in young relationships and old relationships like when you're just relationships like when you're just relationships like when you're just starting off people don't have the starting off people don't have the starting off people don't have the shared language so they just like are shared language so they just like are shared language so they just like are not on the same page and then the longer not on the same page and then the longer not on the same page and then the longer you're with someone personally or you're with someone personally or you're with someone personally or professionally the more you just start professionally the more you just start professionally the more you just start to like assume everything's to like assume everything's to like assume everything's understood non-verbally but it it it understood non-verbally but it it it understood non-verbally but it it it isn't always and in our family you know isn't always and in our family you know isn't always and in our family you know we've had a couple of these things this we've had a couple of these things this we've had a couple of these things this past year where I realized like a value past year where I realized like a value past year where I realized like a value of mine was like being stomped on but of mine was like being stomped on but of mine was like being stomped on but like we hadn't identified that as a like we hadn't identified that as a like we hadn't identified that as a family value right right and so like the family value right right and so like the family value right right and so like the first time I brought it up Britt first time I brought it up Britt first time I brought it up Britt interpreted as like me being upset with interpreted as like me being upset with interpreted as like me being upset with her it's like no like this is just like her it's like no like this is just like her it's like no like this is just like something that is a value of something that is a value of something that is a value of mine and like it bothers me when it's mine and like it bothers me when it's mine and like it bothers me when it's not like being tended to yeah it has not like being tended to yeah it has not like being tended to yeah it has nothing to do with you it has something nothing to do with you it has something nothing to do with you it has something to do with like my ideal MH but we to do with like my ideal MH but we to do with like my ideal MH but we haven't made them Family Values yet like haven't made them Family Values yet like haven't made them Family Values yet like one of them is just like General one of them is just like General one of them is just like General messiness and I'm like there's certain messiness and I'm like there's certain messiness and I'm like there's certain things where I be like I would like a things where I be like I would like a things where I be like I would like a little less clutter in these little less clutter in these little less clutter in these Arenas and like I haven't yet gotten to Arenas and like I haven't yet gotten to Arenas and like I haven't yet gotten to the point where I'm like let us the point where I'm like let us the point where I'm like let us establish this as a family value because establish this as a family value because establish this as a family value because once you establish a value you are once you establish a value you are once you establish a value you are responsible for living up to it and responsible for living up to it and responsible for living up to it and you're responsible for other people you're responsible for other people you're responsible for other people living up to it and I'm like is this living up to it and I'm like is this living up to it and I'm like is this something I can live with cuz like maybe something I can live with cuz like maybe something I can live with cuz like maybe I care about this as a value but they I care about this as a value but they I care about this as a value but they don't and I don't want to you can't make don't and I don't want to you can't make don't and I don't want to you can't make everything a value like this isn't the

everything a value like this isn't the everything a value like this isn't the idea that's like my value is that I go idea that's like my value is that I go idea that's like my value is that I go to bed at 9:30 at night every night and to bed at 9:30 at night every night and to bed at 9:30 at night every night and who wakes up with the kids well my value who wakes up with the kids well my value who wakes up with the kids well my value is that I'm in bed at 9:30 like you just is that I'm in bed at 9:30 like you just is that I'm in bed at 9:30 like you just can't have those things for everything can't have those things for everything can't have those things for everything and so you have to decide like is this and so you have to decide like is this and so you have to decide like is this worth it is it not and that's where worth it is it not and that's where worth it is it not and that's where communication becomes important yes communication becomes important yes communication becomes important yes basically vision is a constant thing it basically vision is a constant thing it basically vision is a constant thing it is not a onetime thing you know it's is not a onetime thing you know it's is not a onetime thing you know it's else not a one time thing the pro Church else not a one time thing the pro Church else not a one time thing the pro Church tool show we'll be back with you next tool show we'll be back with you next tool show we'll be back with you next Wednesday until then thank you for your Wednesday until then thank you for your Wednesday until then thank you for your time attention and time attention and time attention and Trust all Trust all Trust all right well hey there and welcome to the right well hey there and welcome to the right well hey there and welcome to the pro Church show we here to help did I I pro Church show we here to help did I I pro Church show we here to help did I I Pro Church tools right I think so I'm so Pro Church tools right I think so I'm so Pro Church tools right I think so I'm so proud of it all righty then