Dave Barry is the Class Clown: The Memoirs of a Professional Wiseass

Sometimes when an author writes a book, Sometimes when an author writes a book, they'll go around and do a book tour and they'll go around and do a book tour and they'll go around and do a book tour and often they'll come to big tech often they'll come to big tech often they'll come to big tech companies, big companies like Microsoft, companies, big companies like Microsoft, companies, big companies like Microsoft, and present to the group live. Now, when and present to the group live. Now, when and present to the group live. Now, when I got the opportunity to interview Dave I got the opportunity to interview Dave I got the opportunity to interview Dave Barry in person for Microsoft's internal Barry in person for Microsoft's internal Barry in person for Microsoft's internal outside in lecture series, I jumped at outside in lecture series, I jumped at outside in lecture series, I jumped at it. I grew up reading Dave Barry. I sat it. I grew up reading Dave Barry. I sat it. I grew up reading Dave Barry. I sat with my dad on a Sunday afternoon with my dad on a Sunday afternoon with my dad on a Sunday afternoon reading the Oregonian because Dave was a reading the Oregonian because Dave was a reading the Oregonian because Dave was a syndicated humor columnist. And now he's syndicated humor columnist. And now he's syndicated humor columnist. And now he's got a new book out called Class Clown: got a new book out called Class Clown: got a new book out called Class Clown: The Memoirs of a Professional Wise. So The Memoirs of a Professional Wise. So The Memoirs of a Professional Wise. So what you're about to hear is that audio what you're about to hear is that audio what you're about to hear is that audio from my opportunity to interview Dave in from my opportunity to interview Dave in from my opportunity to interview Dave in person at Microsoft at our internal person at Microsoft at our internal person at Microsoft at our internal lecture series. And this audio is being lecture series. And this audio is being lecture series. And this audio is being shared with uh the permission and with shared with uh the permission and with shared with uh the permission and with the blessing of the folks at outside in. the blessing of the folks at outside in. the blessing of the folks at outside in. So big thanks to them. Enjoy Dave Barry. So big thanks to them. Enjoy Dave Barry. So big thanks to them. Enjoy Dave Barry. [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] All right. Hey, friends. Hi. How are you All right. Hey, friends. Hi. How are you All right. Hey, friends. Hi. How are you doing? Hi, Dave Perry. Hey. So, my doing? Hi, Dave Perry. Hey. So, my doing? Hi, Dave Perry. Hey. So, my friends, today I have the immense friends, today I have the immense friends, today I have the immense pleasure that that's a little little pleasure that that's a little little pleasure that that's a little little over the top. I have the pleasure. It's over the top. I have the pleasure. It's over the top. I have the pleasure. It's not Yeah, it's not that immense. I not Yeah, it's not that immense. I not Yeah, it's not that immense. I wouldn't say immense. I have the kind of wouldn't say immense. I have the kind of wouldn't say immense. I have the kind of middling pleasure uh to to speak with a middling pleasure uh to to speak with a middling pleasure uh to to speak with a man. I'm not happy either. No, he's man. I'm not happy either. No, he's man. I'm not happy either. No, he's been quite mean mostly, I would say. Uh, been quite mean mostly, I would say. Uh, been quite mean mostly, I would say. Uh, I have the pleasure of speaking with a I have the pleasure of speaking with a I have the pleasure of speaking with a man whose job title might as well be the man whose job title might as well be the man whose job title might as well be the national treasure of sarcasm. Um, he is

national treasure of sarcasm. Um, he is national treasure of sarcasm. Um, he is a Pulitzer Prizewinning humorist, a Pulitzer Prizewinning humorist, a Pulitzer Prizewinning humorist, best-selling author, longtime Miami best-selling author, longtime Miami best-selling author, longtime Miami Herald columnist, uh, whose work kept Herald columnist, uh, whose work kept Herald columnist, uh, whose work kept generations laughing. Generation generations laughing. Generation generations laughing. Generation singular. No, many at this point. Many. singular. No, many at this point. Many. singular. No, many at this point. Many. Yeah, a lot of generations. A lot of Yeah, a lot of generations. A lot of Yeah, a lot of generations. A lot of generations. More than one. A lot of generations. More than one. A lot of generations. More than one. A lot of people that are dead now, in fact. people that are dead now, in fact. people that are dead now, in fact. Number of corpses. Yeah. Well, they're Number of corpses. Yeah. Well, they're Number of corpses. Yeah. Well, they're not laughing now, but No, they were not laughing now, but No, they were not laughing now, but No, they were hilar. They were laughing before. That hilar. They were laughing before. That hilar. They were laughing before. That was killing them. Yeah. Well, literally. was killing them. Yeah. Well, literally. was killing them. Yeah. Well, literally. Uh, and he's here to talk about his new Uh, and he's here to talk about his new Uh, and he's here to talk about his new book, Clash Clown: The Memoirs of book, Clash Clown: The Memoirs of book, Clash Clown: The Memoirs of Professional Wise Ass. Uh, thank you so Professional Wise Ass. Uh, thank you so Professional Wise Ass. Uh, thank you so much for joining us. My pleasure. Well, much for joining us. My pleasure. Well, much for joining us. My pleasure. Well, not yet, but we'll see how it goes. Get not yet, but we'll see how it goes. Get not yet, but we'll see how it goes. Get more fun at some point. Feel feel it more fun at some point. Feel feel it more fun at some point. Feel feel it out. Feel it out. It could go either out. Feel it out. It could go either out. Feel it out. It could go either way. Yeah, honestly. All right. So, uh, way. Yeah, honestly. All right. So, uh, way. Yeah, honestly. All right. So, uh, listen. listen. listen. In uh in 1986 you started syndicating. In uh in 1986 you started syndicating. In uh in 1986 you started syndicating. Um and then uh 1988 you won the the Um and then uh 1988 you won the the Um and then uh 1988 you won the the Puliter Prize. What is it like to peak Puliter Prize. What is it like to peak Puliter Prize. What is it like to peak so early? so early? so early? Yeah, it's it's been pretty much Yeah, it's it's been pretty much Yeah, it's it's been pretty much downhill. When did you win your Puliter downhill. When did you win your Puliter downhill. When did you win your Puliter Prize, Scott? Oh, Prize, Scott? Oh, Prize, Scott? Oh, no. It's no. It's no. It's it was a long time ago, but I can I tell it was a long time ago, but I can I tell it was a long time ago, but I can I tell my Pulit surprise story? I would love if my Pulit surprise story? I would love if my Pulit surprise story? I would love if you tell your pullet surprise. So first you tell your pullet surprise. So first you tell your pullet surprise. So first of all, I didn't this is not false of all, I didn't this is not false of all, I didn't this is not false modesty. I did not expect to win a modesty. I did not expect to win a modesty. I did not expect to win a pullet prize. The c category I won in is pullet prize. The c category I won in is pullet prize. The c category I won in is called distinguished commentary, which called distinguished commentary, which called distinguished commentary, which nobody has ever accused me of being nobody has ever accused me of being nobody has ever accused me of being distinguished. Am I right? I write distinguished. Am I right? I write distinguished. Am I right? I write booger jokes. So So anyway, I didn't

booger jokes. So So anyway, I didn't booger jokes. So So anyway, I didn't know that I had won, but the Miami know that I had won, but the Miami know that I had won, but the Miami Herald, where I worked, did know. They Herald, where I worked, did know. They Herald, where I worked, did know. They got informed a couple hours ahead of got informed a couple hours ahead of got informed a couple hours ahead of time, and so they were going to they time, and so they were going to they time, and so they were going to they wanted to surprise me. But the thing is wanted to surprise me. But the thing is wanted to surprise me. But the thing is I ne almost never went into the office I ne almost never went into the office I ne almost never went into the office and that day I was uh going to go to Key and that day I was uh going to go to Key and that day I was uh going to go to Key West with my son Rob. Um I live in Miami West with my son Rob. Um I live in Miami West with my son Rob. Um I live in Miami and and he loved to go to Key West and and he loved to go to Key West and and he loved to go to Key West because um we used to uh rent I'd rent a because um we used to uh rent I'd rent a because um we used to uh rent I'd rent a motorbike and he would sit on the back motorbike and he would sit on the back motorbike and he would sit on the back and we'd ride all around the island and and we'd ride all around the island and and we'd ride all around the island and it was one of his favorite things to do. it was one of his favorite things to do. it was one of his favorite things to do. One of my favorite things to do we did One of my favorite things to do we did One of my favorite things to do we did that so he was very excited. We're going that so he was very excited. We're going that so he was very excited. We're going to Key West and I get a call at home to Key West and I get a call at home to Key West and I get a call at home from my editor at the Herald saying, from my editor at the Herald saying, from my editor at the Herald saying, "You have to come in for a meeting at "You have to come in for a meeting at "You have to come in for a meeting at noon." And I said, "I'm not I can't I'm noon." And I said, "I'm not I can't I'm noon." And I said, "I'm not I can't I'm going to Key West." No, the the editors going to Key West." No, the the editors going to Key West." No, the the editors insist you have to be here. So, okay. insist you have to be here. So, okay. insist you have to be here. So, okay. So, Rob and I go into the the Miami So, Rob and I go into the the Miami So, Rob and I go into the the Miami Herald and as we come in, the whole Herald and as we come in, the whole Herald and as we come in, the whole newsroom is filled with people uh in newsroom is filled with people uh in newsroom is filled with people uh in anticipation of the announcement. And anticipation of the announcement. And anticipation of the announcement. And two two of Herald employees were going two two of Herald employees were going two two of Herald employees were going to win posters that day. Me and and a to win posters that day. Me and and a to win posters that day. Me and and a photo photographer named Michael Ducil.

photo photographer named Michael Ducil. photo photographer named Michael Ducil. And but I didn't know. I'm still and I'm And but I didn't know. I'm still and I'm And but I didn't know. I'm still and I'm saying to R, oh well, this is cool. saying to R, oh well, this is cool. saying to R, oh well, this is cool. They're going to announce the Pulitzers They're going to announce the Pulitzers They're going to announce the Pulitzers you get to see. And um just before the you get to see. And um just before the you get to see. And um just before the announcement, a an editor who was not announcement, a an editor who was not announcement, a an editor who was not aware that it was supposed to be a aware that it was supposed to be a aware that it was supposed to be a surprise comes up to me and goes, surprise comes up to me and goes, surprise comes up to me and goes, "Congratulations." "Congratulations." "Congratulations." So at that moment, I realized two So at that moment, I realized two So at that moment, I realized two things. One is I'm about to win a things. One is I'm about to win a things. One is I'm about to win a Puliter Prize. And the other is we're Puliter Prize. And the other is we're Puliter Prize. And the other is we're not going to Key West. So I looked down not going to Key West. So I looked down not going to Key West. So I looked down to Rob and I said, "Rob, I'm really to Rob and I said, "Rob, I'm really to Rob and I said, "Rob, I'm really sorry. We're not going to go to Key West sorry. We're not going to go to Key West sorry. We're not going to go to Key West today." And his face just fell because today." And his face just fell because today." And his face just fell because he'd really been looking forward to it. he'd really been looking forward to it. he'd really been looking forward to it. And I said, "But I'll buy you a Nintendo And I said, "But I'll buy you a Nintendo And I said, "But I'll buy you a Nintendo cuz he was really hot to get this cuz he was really hot to get this cuz he was really hot to get this particular Nintendo game." And he goes, particular Nintendo game." And he goes, particular Nintendo game." And he goes, "Really?" I go, "Yeah." And he jumps up, "Really?" I go, "Yeah." And he jumps up, "Really?" I go, "Yeah." And he jumps up, he puts his arm around, big hug, and he puts his arm around, big hug, and he puts his arm around, big hug, and they announce that I've won a Pulit they announce that I've won a Pulit they announce that I've won a Pulit surprise. And they take my picture at surprise. And they take my picture at surprise. And they take my picture at that moment. that moment. that moment. So the next day, the front page of the So the next day, the front page of the So the next day, the front page of the Herald was Harold wins two Pulitzers. Herald was Harold wins two Pulitzers. Herald was Harold wins two Pulitzers. And there's a picture of Michael Deil, And there's a picture of Michael Deil, And there's a picture of Michael Deil, the photographer, being congratulated by the photographer, being congratulated by the photographer, being congratulated by his colleagues, and a picture of me with his colleagues, and a picture of me with his colleagues, and a picture of me with my son like this with this huge smile. my son like this with this huge smile. my son like this with this huge smile. And everybody said the best part about And everybody said the best part about And everybody said the best part about Dave was how happy Rob was that you Dave was how happy Rob was that you Dave was how happy Rob was that you you won a Pulit surprise. And the fact you won a Pulit surprise. And the fact you won a Pulit surprise. And the fact is he had no idea that I'd won a Pulit is he had no idea that I'd won a Pulit is he had no idea that I'd won a Pulit surprise. But just to to complete the surprise. But just to to complete the surprise. But just to to complete the circle there, Rob is now there's the circle there, Rob is now there's the circle there, Rob is now there's the picture. Yeah, it's in the book. He's picture. Yeah, it's in the book. He's picture. Yeah, it's in the book. He's leapt onto you. He's jumped up. So never leapt onto you. He's jumped up. So never leapt onto you. He's jumped up. So never been happier in his whole life. Um Rob been happier in his whole life. Um Rob been happier in his whole life. Um Rob is now 44 years old and has kids of his is now 44 years old and has kids of his is now 44 years old and has kids of his own. and he's an editor at the Wall own. and he's an editor at the Wall own. and he's an editor at the Wall Street Journal where he runs a a data

Street Journal where he runs a a data Street Journal where he runs a a data reporting um data assistant reporting um data assistant reporting um data assistant investigative reporting team and he has investigative reporting team and he has investigative reporting team and he has won Pulitzer Prize his team. So there won Pulitzer Prize his team. So there won Pulitzer Prize his team. So there you go, man. Don't plug me. But he you go, man. Don't plug me. But he you go, man. Don't plug me. But he didn't do that by following in my didn't do that by following in my didn't do that by following in my footsteps. I'll tell you that like he footsteps. I'll tell you that like he footsteps. I'll tell you that like he deals in actual information, you know, deals in actual information, you know, deals in actual information, you know, whereas I deal in lies. So when when you whereas I deal in lies. So when when you whereas I deal in lies. So when when you have a polit, do you just do you keep it have a polit, do you just do you keep it have a polit, do you just do you keep it on a shelf? Is it in a drawer? Is it in on a shelf? Is it in a drawer? Is it in on a shelf? Is it in a drawer? Is it in the kitchen? Do you My wife has it cuz I the kitchen? Do you My wife has it cuz I the kitchen? Do you My wife has it cuz I I lost it once. So, it's No, it just I lost it once. So, it's No, it just I lost it once. So, it's No, it just looks like a junior high school diploma, looks like a junior high school diploma, looks like a junior high school diploma, you know. I I used to worry that they you know. I I used to worry that they you know. I I used to worry that they would come around and say, "You claim would come around and say, "You claim would come around and say, "You claim you want to pull it surprise, Mr. Barry. you want to pull it surprise, Mr. Barry. you want to pull it surprise, Mr. Barry. Where is it?" You know, I thought it was Where is it?" You know, I thought it was Where is it?" You know, I thought it was a metal and it has things on. No, a metal and it has things on. No, a metal and it has things on. No, there's no metal. Oh, maybe there's a there's no metal. Oh, maybe there's a there's no metal. Oh, maybe there's a medal. They didn't give me a medal. Oh, medal. They didn't give me a medal. Oh, medal. They didn't give me a medal. Oh, no. I get my medal from them. No, it's no. I get my medal from them. No, it's no. I get my medal from them. No, it's not that impressive. Uh, and really just not that impressive. Uh, and really just not that impressive. Uh, and really just a tip for, you know, anybody's a tip for, you know, anybody's a tip for, you know, anybody's interested. If you just go around saying interested. If you just go around saying interested. If you just go around saying you won a Puliter Prize, eventually it you won a Puliter Prize, eventually it you won a Puliter Prize, eventually it will be in Wikipedia that you did. Even will be in Wikipedia that you did. Even will be in Wikipedia that you did. Even if you did, nobody ever checks to see if you did, nobody ever checks to see if you did, nobody ever checks to see who won Pulit surprises. So, you don't who won Pulit surprises. So, you don't who won Pulit surprises. So, you don't even know that I won. You just told even know that I won. You just told even know that I won. You just told these people I won and and the only these people I won and and the only these people I won and and the only reason you're saying is you read it in reason you're saying is you read it in reason you're saying is you read it in surprise in the book. Anybody can say surprise in the book. Anybody can say surprise in the book. Anybody can say that. Anybody. It's a free country. Uh that. Anybody. It's a free country. Uh that. Anybody. It's a free country. Uh that's just a little journalism tip.

that's just a little journalism tip. that's just a little journalism tip. Interesting. Um I'm going to go and do a Interesting. Um I'm going to go and do a Interesting. Um I'm going to go and do a bit of a deep cut. Okay. I'm going to bit of a deep cut. Okay. I'm going to bit of a deep cut. Okay. I'm going to just do the thing that you're supposed just do the thing that you're supposed just do the thing that you're supposed to do when you're selling a book is I'm to do when you're selling a book is I'm to do when you're selling a book is I'm going to read a passage. Okay. This is a going to read a passage. Okay. This is a going to read a passage. Okay. This is a very important passage that says mostly very important passage that says mostly very important passage that says mostly what you do on book tours is talk about what you do on book tours is talk about what you do on book tours is talk about the book you're trying to sell and you the book you're trying to sell and you the book you're trying to sell and you do many interviews in which you say the do many interviews in which you say the do many interviews in which you say the same things over and over like telling a same things over and over like telling a same things over and over like telling a story about your son in the Nintendo story about your son in the Nintendo story about your son in the Nintendo trying to sound enthusiastic even though trying to sound enthusiastic even though trying to sound enthusiastic even though deep down inside you start to hate your deep down inside you start to hate your deep down inside you start to hate your book. book. book. Sometimes the people interviewing you Sometimes the people interviewing you Sometimes the people interviewing you have read your book but more often than have read your book but more often than have read your book but more often than not they have not. not they have not. not they have not. You you we had only met for a few You you we had only met for a few You you we had only met for a few minutes before you checked me. I accused minutes before you checked me. I accused minutes before you checked me. I accused you of not. You accused me of not having you of not. You accused me of not having you of not. You accused me of not having read your book. I' I've been on so many read your book. I' I've been on so many read your book. I' I've been on so many book tour. I've been writing books book tour. I've been writing books book tour. I've been writing books forever and I've been on many many book forever and I've been on many many book forever and I've been on many many book tours and very often No, Scott actually tours and very often No, Scott actually tours and very often No, Scott actually did read the book even though he's from did read the book even though he's from did read the book even though he's from Oregon. He read the book all the way Oregon. He read the book all the way Oregon. He read the book all the way through. See, I just figured out that that's the See, I just figured out that that's the thing you can do here. That would joke thing you can do here. That would joke thing you can do here. That would joke would not go over in Miami where I live. would not go over in Miami where I live. would not go over in Miami where I live. I' go, why what does the organ have to I' go, why what does the organ have to I' go, why what does the organ have to do with anything? But anyway, here do with anything? But anyway, here do with anything? But anyway, here apparently it's a big deal. So, um, apparently it's a big deal. So, um, apparently it's a big deal. So, um, Florida man does read. I have been on so Florida man does read. I have been on so Florida man does read. I have been on so many book tour and you you do a lot of many book tour and you you do a lot of many book tour and you you do a lot of um interviews like there used to be a um interviews like there used to be a um interviews like there used to be a lot of local TV news shows and stuff and lot of local TV news shows and stuff and lot of local TV news shows and stuff and and or morning radio shows whatever and and or morning radio shows whatever and and or morning radio shows whatever and you know they don't have time to read you know they don't have time to read you know they don't have time to read your book they don't some of them never your book they don't some of them never your book they don't some of them never read any book you know they just and um read any book you know they just and um read any book you know they just and um and you just get used to like you know and you just get used to like you know and you just get used to like you know soldiering through but I had a I was had soldiering through but I had a I was had soldiering through but I had a I was had I got to tell you two stories about book

I got to tell you two stories about book I got to tell you two stories about book tours um one I was uh at a this is long tours um one I was uh at a this is long tours um one I was uh at a this is long ago I was at a book event and a dinner ago I was at a book event and a dinner ago I was at a book event and a dinner with and one of the other authors there with and one of the other authors there with and one of the other authors there was a guy named David McCulla who was a was a guy named David McCulla who was a was a guy named David McCulla who was a great historian wonderful writer of great historian wonderful writer of great historian wonderful writer of popular history books and he we were popular history books and he we were popular history books and he we were talking about like being interviewed by talking about like being interviewed by talking about like being interviewed by people who haven't read your book or people who haven't read your book or people who haven't read your book or aren't familiar with your work and uh he aren't familiar with your work and uh he aren't familiar with your work and uh he had the best story he was on a he was had the best story he was on a he was had the best story he was on a he was this is in the 70s like 1976 or so and this is in the 70s like 1976 or so and this is in the 70s like 1976 or so and he was promoting a book called the path he was promoting a book called the path he was promoting a book called the path between the seas which was about the between the seas which was about the between the seas which was about the building of the the Panama Canal out and building of the the Panama Canal out and building of the the Panama Canal out and uh it's actually a wonderful book and uh uh it's actually a wonderful book and uh uh it's actually a wonderful book and uh he's on a local morning TV show and the he's on a local morning TV show and the he's on a local morning TV show and the the guy interviewing him was this real the guy interviewing him was this real the guy interviewing him was this real kind of like Ken Doll kind of guy kind of like Ken Doll kind of guy kind of like Ken Doll kind of guy reading the questions off the reading the questions off the reading the questions off the teleprompter who clearly had not read teleprompter who clearly had not read teleprompter who clearly had not read the book and didn't know who David was the book and didn't know who David was the book and didn't know who David was and he goes at and the big issue was and he goes at and the big issue was and he goes at and the big issue was then should the United States give the then should the United States give the then should the United States give the Panama Canal back to Panama or not give Panama Canal back to Panama or not give Panama Canal back to Panama or not give it back but give it to Panama. Um and it back but give it to Panama. Um and it back but give it to Panama. Um and that was a big controversial issue. So that was a big controversial issue. So that was a big controversial issue. So the guy reading the teleprompter says, the guy reading the teleprompter says, the guy reading the teleprompter says, "Well, you know, Mr. McCulla, should the "Well, you know, Mr. McCulla, should the "Well, you know, Mr. McCulla, should the Panama Canal be turn, you know, turned Panama Canal be turn, you know, turned Panama Canal be turn, you know, turned over to the Republic of Panama?" And over to the Republic of Panama?" And over to the Republic of Panama?" And David's answer was, "Well, in a sense, I David's answer was, "Well, in a sense, I David's answer was, "Well, in a sense, I think it doesn't matter. I think in a think it doesn't matter. I think in a think it doesn't matter. I think in a sense the Panama Canal will always be sense the Panama Canal will always be sense the Panama Canal will always be American territory like Normandy Beach."

American territory like Normandy Beach." American territory like Normandy Beach." And the the guy looks really puzzled and And the the guy looks really puzzled and And the the guy looks really puzzled and he goes, "Who is Normandy Beach?" he goes, "Who is Normandy Beach?" he goes, "Who is Normandy Beach?" So So So that's that's one. The other one is like that's that's one. The other one is like that's that's one. The other one is like you'll do anything on a book tour to you'll do anything on a book tour to you'll do anything on a book tour to promote your book. Like I don't know why promote your book. Like I don't know why promote your book. Like I don't know why I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, but my schedule I'm happy to be here. but my schedule I'm happy to be here. but my schedule I'm happy to be here. You seem like nice people. He's okay. Um You seem like nice people. He's okay. Um You seem like nice people. He's okay. Um but you just basically go where you're but you just basically go where you're but you just basically go where you're told to do. Go and do what you're told told to do. Go and do what you're told told to do. Go and do what you're told to do if you're on a book tour. So I was to do if you're on a book tour. So I was to do if you're on a book tour. So I was on a book tour. This is like in the mid on a book tour. This is like in the mid on a book tour. This is like in the mid 90s and I was in St. Louis and um I got 90s and I was in St. Louis and um I got 90s and I was in St. Louis and um I got an I was on a hotel in St. Louis and I an I was on a hotel in St. Louis and I an I was on a hotel in St. Louis and I get this urgent call from my publicist get this urgent call from my publicist get this urgent call from my publicist who says the Oprah show is trying to get who says the Oprah show is trying to get who says the Oprah show is trying to get in touch with you about being on the in touch with you about being on the in touch with you about being on the show tomorrow. So, call this number. show tomorrow. So, call this number. show tomorrow. So, call this number. Like we're all very excited because Like we're all very excited because Like we're all very excited because being on Oprah was a very big deal. If being on Oprah was a very big deal. If being on Oprah was a very big deal. If you're an author, you want to be on you're an author, you want to be on you're an author, you want to be on Oprah. So, I call the the and I call the Oprah. So, I call the the and I call the Oprah. So, I call the the and I call the Oprah producer and she says, "Okay, Oprah producer and she says, "Okay, Oprah producer and she says, "Okay, we're doing a show tomorrow we're doing a show tomorrow we're doing a show tomorrow on called Things We Do in Secret. Uh on called Things We Do in Secret. Uh on called Things We Do in Secret. Uh where we're going to have the panelists, where we're going to have the panelists, where we're going to have the panelists, we're thinking about maybe having you as we're thinking about maybe having you as we're thinking about maybe having you as a panelist. panelists are going to a panelist. panelists are going to a panelist. panelists are going to confess to something they've done that confess to something they've done that confess to something they've done that they're ashamed of and then they're they're ashamed of and then they're they're ashamed of and then they're going to we're going to make it right on going to we're going to make it right on going to we're going to make it right on the air. We're going to correct whatever the air. We're going to correct whatever the air. We're going to correct whatever the wrong was. And so do you have the wrong was. And so do you have the wrong was. And so do you have something like that? And like I'm like I something like that? And like I'm like I something like that? And like I'm like I would have confessed to the Kennedy would have confessed to the Kennedy would have confessed to the Kennedy assassination. I want to get on Oprah, assassination. I want to get on Oprah, assassination. I want to get on Oprah, you know. So So I did think of something you know. So So I did think of something you know. So So I did think of something which was a few years earlier. I'd been which was a few years earlier. I'd been which was a few years earlier. I'd been in a Hyatt hotel and there was a sign in in a Hyatt hotel and there was a sign in in a Hyatt hotel and there was a sign in the bathroom, like a plastic tent-like

the bathroom, like a plastic tent-like the bathroom, like a plastic tent-like sign that said, "Our guest towels are sign that said, "Our guest towels are sign that said, "Our guest towels are 100% cotton. Should you wish to purchase 100% cotton. Should you wish to purchase 100% cotton. Should you wish to purchase a set, they are available in our gift a set, they are available in our gift a set, they are available in our gift store for $75. Should you prefer the set store for $75. Should you prefer the set store for $75. Should you prefer the set already in your to take the set already already in your to take the set already already in your to take the set already in your room, that amount will in your room, that amount will in your room, that amount will automatically be added to your bill, automatically be added to your bill, automatically be added to your bill, which is their way of nicely saying, if which is their way of nicely saying, if which is their way of nicely saying, if you steal our towels, we're going to you steal our towels, we're going to you steal our towels, we're going to charge you $75." charge you $75." charge you $75." So, I stole the sign and I I took it home and we we put it in and I I took it home and we we put it in our guest bathroom and we No, this is our guest bathroom and we No, this is our guest bathroom and we No, this is really this is true. And we had it for a really this is true. And we had it for a really this is true. And we had it for a couple years and everybody thought it couple years and everybody thought it couple years and everybody thought it was very funny. So, I told the Oprah was very funny. So, I told the Oprah was very funny. So, I told the Oprah producer that story and she goes, producer that story and she goes, producer that story and she goes, "That's perfect. That's perfect. You'll "That's perfect. That's perfect. You'll "That's perfect. That's perfect. You'll come in tomorrow. You come to show, come in tomorrow. You come to show, come in tomorrow. You come to show, you're going to tell that story to Oprah you're going to tell that story to Oprah you're going to tell that story to Oprah and then on the air you're going to drop and then on the air you're going to drop and then on the air you're going to drop the sign in a box. We'll have a give the sign in a box. We'll have a give the sign in a box. We'll have a give back box on the set. You and then we'll back box on the set. You and then we'll back box on the set. You and then we'll get it back to the Hyatt Hotel people." get it back to the Hyatt Hotel people." get it back to the Hyatt Hotel people." So that's this is perfect. It's like, So that's this is perfect. It's like, So that's this is perfect. It's like, "Yeah, great. Great." So the problem "Yeah, great. Great." So the problem "Yeah, great. Great." So the problem there is I'm in St. Louis. The show is there is I'm in St. Louis. The show is there is I'm in St. Louis. The show is the next day in Chicago, but the sign is the next day in Chicago, but the sign is the next day in Chicago, but the sign is in Coral Gables, Florida, where I live.

in Coral Gables, Florida, where I live. in Coral Gables, Florida, where I live. So I called my wife and said, "You got So I called my wife and said, "You got So I called my wife and said, "You got to get the sign to Federal Express to get the sign to Federal Express to get the sign to Federal Express immediately. I don't care what it costs. immediately. I don't care what it costs. immediately. I don't care what it costs. You have to get it to to, you know, You have to get it to to, you know, You have to get it to to, you know, tonight to this to tomorrow morning at tonight to this to tomorrow morning at tonight to this to tomorrow morning at the latest to the Oprah show in the latest to the Oprah show in the latest to the Oprah show in Chicago." And she then she calls me back Chicago." And she then she calls me back Chicago." And she then she calls me back and says, "Well, they took it. I paid, and says, "Well, they took it. I paid, and says, "Well, they took it. I paid, but they can't promise it. They can't but they can't promise it. They can't but they can't promise it. They can't promise it. It's too late to promise. promise it. It's too late to promise. promise it. It's too late to promise. It's like I'm thinking, "Oh man, I'm so It's like I'm thinking, "Oh man, I'm so It's like I'm thinking, "Oh man, I'm so screwed here. If I don't get to sign, screwed here. If I don't get to sign, screwed here. If I don't get to sign, then I'm not going to be an Opra." So then I'm not going to be an Opra." So then I'm not going to be an Opra." So then I realized something. I was staying then I realized something. I was staying then I realized something. I was staying at a Hyatt Hotel in St. Louis. So I stole another sign. This was They So I stole another sign. This was They didn't have the original sign, but they didn't have the original sign, but they didn't have the original sign, but they had a no smoking sign. So I thought, had a no smoking sign. So I thought, had a no smoking sign. So I thought, "Nobody's going to know, and I will "Nobody's going to know, and I will "Nobody's going to know, and I will just, you know, grab it out of my pocket just, you know, grab it out of my pocket just, you know, grab it out of my pocket and throw it in in the B." Well, and throw it in in the B." Well, and throw it in in the B." Well, fortunately, the correct sign made it in fortunately, the correct sign made it in fortunately, the correct sign made it in time, so I could. But my point here is time, so I could. But my point here is time, so I could. But my point here is that because I'm on a book tour, I'm that because I'm on a book tour, I'm that because I'm on a book tour, I'm willing to steal again and lie to Oprah willing to steal again and lie to Oprah willing to steal again and lie to Oprah to promote my book. So that's like to promote my book. So that's like to promote my book. So that's like there's we have no ethics at all in this there's we have no ethics at all in this there's we have no ethics at all in this business. None. I appreciate your So I'm business. None. I appreciate your So I'm business. None. I appreciate your So I'm willing to sit here with this guy. It's willing to sit here with this guy. It's willing to sit here with this guy. It's nothing. Nothing.

nothing. Nothing. nothing. Nothing. Um in uh you wrote a book called Dave Um in uh you wrote a book called Dave Um in uh you wrote a book called Dave Barry in Cyberspace. Yes. Uh in in 96. Barry in Cyberspace. Yes. Uh in in 96. Barry in Cyberspace. Yes. Uh in in 96. Yes. Um do you still know how to use a Yes. Um do you still know how to use a Yes. Um do you still know how to use a computer? Well, computer? Well, computer? Well, yeah. I mean to write. Yeah. Yeah. Now, yeah. I mean to write. Yeah. Yeah. Now, yeah. I mean to write. Yeah. Yeah. Now, you said though that you are in a mixed you said though that you are in a mixed you said though that you are in a mixed marriage. That's Yeah. And I, as someone marriage. That's Yeah. And I, as someone marriage. That's Yeah. And I, as someone who's in a mixed marriage myself, I find who's in a mixed marriage myself, I find who's in a mixed marriage myself, I find this challenging. So, your wife uses this challenging. So, your wife uses this challenging. So, your wife uses Windows. She's a Windows and you don't. Windows. She's a Windows and you don't. Windows. She's a Windows and you don't. I'm an Apple. How do you Do you I mean, is she also like a green Do you I mean, is she also like a green bubble person? No, she's blue. Oh, bubble person? No, she's blue. Oh, bubble person? No, she's blue. Oh, goodness. Thank you. That's Well, that goodness. Thank you. That's Well, that goodness. Thank you. That's Well, that that's a that's a a nice thing because that's a that's a a nice thing because that's a that's a a nice thing because we don't need any more green bubble we don't need any more green bubble we don't need any more green bubble people in our lives. people in our lives. people in our lives. There she's got the book. Hey, is that There she's got the book. Hey, is that There she's got the book. Hey, is that day in cyerspace? Yes, you even signed day in cyerspace? Yes, you even signed day in cyerspace? Yes, you even signed it. Thank you. Oh my goodness. What? I it. Thank you. Oh my goodness. What? I it. Thank you. Oh my goodness. What? I was on a book. Where where where were was on a book. Where where where were was on a book. Where where where were you when what books? Where was I when you when what books? Where was I when you when what books? Where was I when university bookstore? Universe. Okay. university bookstore? Universe. Okay. university bookstore? Universe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That's fantastic. So, Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That's fantastic. So, Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That's fantastic. So, in in that in that context, I was a in in that in that context, I was a in in that in that context, I was a Windows guy then. In fact, I sing the Windows guy then. In fact, I sing the Windows guy then. In fact, I sing the praises of Windows in that book. But in praises of Windows in that book. But in praises of Windows in that book. But in that book, Windows 95. That's right. I that book, Windows 95. That's right. I that book, Windows 95. That's right. I bought all of them. Yeah. All of Windows bought all of them. Yeah. All of Windows bought all of them. Yeah. All of Windows gluten-free. I bought them all.

gluten-free. I bought them all. gluten-free. I bought them all. What eventually broke you? I don't What eventually broke you? I don't What eventually broke you? I don't remember. Oh, it was Yeah, cuz making my remember. Oh, it was Yeah, cuz making my remember. Oh, it was Yeah, cuz making my phone and my my computer talk better. phone and my my computer talk better. phone and my my computer talk better. That was what it was. Also, my um No, That was what it was. Also, my um No, That was what it was. Also, my um No, that was it. Yeah, just making them talk that was it. Yeah, just making them talk that was it. Yeah, just making them talk to each other. Yeah. God, why are we to each other. Yeah. God, why are we to each other. Yeah. God, why are we doing this? This is not I mean, why are doing this? This is not I mean, why are doing this? This is not I mean, why are you making me confess like this? Because you making me confess like this? Because you making me confess like this? Because we brought you into the belly of the we brought you into the belly of the we brought you into the belly of the beast. beast. beast. All right. All right. And you get a All right. All right. And you get a All right. All right. And you get a surface. And you get a surface. No, I surface. And you get a surface. No, I surface. And you get a surface. No, I just thought that was an important thing just thought that was an important thing just thought that was an important thing to call out because I have found that uh to call out because I have found that uh to call out because I have found that uh I do use I do use Microsoft Word all the I do use I do use Microsoft Word all the I do use I do use Microsoft Word all the time. I probably have typed more words time. I probably have typed more words time. I probably have typed more words on Microsoft Word than anybody else in on Microsoft Word than anybody else in on Microsoft Word than anybody else in the world. No, that's probably not true, the world. No, that's probably not true, the world. No, that's probably not true, but I'm going to say No, but you're but I'm going to say No, but you're but I'm going to say No, but you're willing to lie to sell a book at this willing to lie to sell a book at this willing to lie to sell a book at this point. Yeah. point. Yeah. point. Yeah. Um but you had said though in your sub Um but you had said though in your sub Um but you had said though in your sub you also have a Substack so you can you also have a Substack so you can you also have a Substack so you can subscribe to Dave Substack and he had a subscribe to Dave Substack and he had a subscribe to Dave Substack and he had a post called stupidification. Yeah. And post called stupidification. Yeah. And post called stupidification. Yeah. And in stupidification, you felt like in stupidification, you felt like in stupidification, you felt like reliance on technology is eroding our reliance on technology is eroding our reliance on technology is eroding our ability to like talk, spell, do grammar, ability to like talk, spell, do grammar, ability to like talk, spell, do grammar, things like that. Do you use spellch things like that. Do you use spellch things like that. Do you use spellch check? No, I'm a very good speller. Just check? No, I'm a very good speller. Just check? No, I'm a very good speller. Just try me. Go ahead.

try me. Go ahead. try me. Go ahead. Stupidification. Stupidification. Stupidification. You know how to spell that? Yeah. You know how to spell that? Yeah. You know how to spell that? Yeah. So, it's it's fun to joke about, but do So, it's it's fun to joke about, but do So, it's it's fun to joke about, but do you think that there's a larger concern you think that there's a larger concern you think that there's a larger concern about using a using an AI, but about using a using an AI, but about using a using an AI, but computers? Does it make us Is it make us computers? Does it make us Is it make us computers? Does it make us Is it make us better or does it make us dumber? better or does it make us dumber? better or does it make us dumber? Well, I don't think computers are making Well, I don't think computers are making Well, I don't think computers are making us dumber. Um I don't. Just check. I us dumber. Um I don't. Just check. I us dumber. Um I don't. Just check. I think they're very useful tools. This is think they're very useful tools. This is think they're very useful tools. This is a pretty serious question. No, don't a pretty serious question. No, don't a pretty serious question. No, don't worry. We'll find a joke. Okay. Where I worry. We'll find a joke. Okay. Where I worry. We'll find a joke. Okay. Where I can keep throwing you softballs. Yeah. can keep throwing you softballs. Yeah. can keep throwing you softballs. Yeah. But I just thought it was funny. Okay, But I just thought it was funny. Okay, But I just thought it was funny. Okay, good. Well, tell me what matters. Tell good. Well, tell me what matters. Tell good. Well, tell me what matters. Tell me where the funny part was. me where the funny part was. me where the funny part was. Well, because one of the things that I Well, because one of the things that I Well, because one of the things that I thought was interesting was that you thought was interesting was that you thought was interesting was that you started talking about technology. I went started talking about technology. I went started talking about technology. I went and I looked up the very first time you and I looked up the very first time you and I looked up the very first time you mentioned tech in 1985 in the Miami mentioned tech in 1985 in the Miami mentioned tech in 1985 in the Miami Herald. You said, "To better understand Herald. You said, "To better understand Herald. You said, "To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's why you need a personal computer, let's why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess that take a look at the pathetic mess that take a look at the pathetic mess that you call your life." you call your life." you call your life." [Laughter] [Laughter] [Laughter] I'm sure I said that in 1985, which just I'm sure I said that in 1985, which just I'm sure I said that in 1985, which just for the record was 40 years ago. But but for the record was 40 years ago. But but for the record was 40 years ago. But but in that case there it was about being in that case there it was about being in that case there it was about being disorganized. It was about being disorganized. It was about being disorganized. It was about being completely unorganized and the computer completely unorganized and the computer completely unorganized and the computer is starting to organize your life. And is starting to organize your life. And is starting to organize your life. And now we're in a world here where AI and now we're in a world here where AI and now we're in a world here where AI and things are going to start hopefully things are going to start hopefully things are going to start hopefully making us more creative. But even though making us more creative. But even though making us more creative. But even though it might not be initially funny, I still it might not be initially funny, I still it might not be initially funny, I still think it's important to look at someone think it's important to look at someone think it's important to look at someone who has created dozens of books over a who has created dozens of books over a who has created dozens of books over a huge amount of time and uh without AI huge amount of time and uh without AI huge amount of time and uh without AI without AI. So far people when AI without AI. So far people when AI without AI. So far people when AI started you know first a couple years

started you know first a couple years started you know first a couple years ago burst upon the scene everybody I got ago burst upon the scene everybody I got ago burst upon the scene everybody I got at least a hundred emails from friends at least a hundred emails from friends at least a hundred emails from friends and and people I didn't even know saying and and people I didn't even know saying and and people I didn't even know saying I asked AI to write a column humor I asked AI to write a column humor I asked AI to write a column humor column Dave Barry's style I got that so column Dave Barry's style I got that so column Dave Barry's style I got that so same over and over and over again and same over and over and over again and same over and over and over again and all of them sucked. So, for now, like I all of them sucked. So, for now, like I all of them sucked. So, for now, like I don't care if AI really ruins the whole don't care if AI really ruins the whole don't care if AI really ruins the whole of human civilization. As long as it of human civilization. As long as it of human civilization. As long as it can't do humor, I'm I'm fine with it, can't do humor, I'm I'm fine with it, can't do humor, I'm I'm fine with it, you know? Yeah, you're totally cool with you know? Yeah, you're totally cool with you know? Yeah, you're totally cool with that. Now, the book came out, though. It that. Now, the book came out, though. It that. Now, the book came out, though. It did. And how long until the AI book came did. And how long until the AI book came did. And how long until the AI book came out? About the same day. Okay. There. out? About the same day. Okay. There. out? About the same day. Okay. There. Yeah. The on Amazon there there was a Yeah. The on Amazon there there was a Yeah. The on Amazon there there was a book right after mine that said Class book right after mine that said Class book right after mine that said Class Clown and Dave Barry, but it was Clown and Dave Barry, but it was Clown and Dave Barry, but it was entirely written by AI. So, that was entirely written by AI. So, that was entirely written by AI. So, that was quick. Yeah. Yeah. So, however, though, quick. Yeah. Yeah. So, however, though, quick. Yeah. Yeah. So, however, though, when you go to Google and you type is is when you go to Google and you type is is when you go to Google and you type is is Dave Barry dead is the says is Dave Dave Barry dead is the says is Dave Dave Barry dead is the says is Dave Barry still alive is the uh Yeah. Bing Barry still alive is the uh Yeah. Bing Barry still alive is the uh Yeah. Bing says dead and Google says still alive. says dead and Google says still alive. says dead and Google says still alive. Okay. Well, so either way you're not Okay. Well, so either way you're not Okay. Well, so either way you're not looking good. No. Yeah. I sometimes looking good. No. Yeah. I sometimes looking good. No. Yeah. I sometimes wonder myself but yeah. Yeah. You you wonder myself but yeah. Yeah. You you wonder myself but yeah. Yeah. You you have entire sections of your book. It have entire sections of your book. It have entire sections of your book. It does though. I just want to say that does though. I just want to say that does though. I just want to say that like okay I'm 77 years old. There is an like okay I'm 77 years old. There is an like okay I'm 77 years old. There is an advantage that which is you have a advantage that which is you have a advantage that which is you have a perspective that you don't have when perspective that you don't have when perspective that you don't have when you're younger. Like when people say, you're younger. Like when people say, you're younger. Like when people say, "Well, if we don't take better care of "Well, if we don't take better care of "Well, if we don't take better care of the planet within 25 years, uh, we'll the planet within 25 years, uh, we'll the planet within 25 years, uh, we'll human civilization will cease to exist."

human civilization will cease to exist." human civilization will cease to exist." Like if you're a young person, you think Like if you're a young person, you think Like if you're a young person, you think that sounds bad. If you're my age, 77, that sounds bad. If you're my age, 77, that sounds bad. If you're my age, 77, you go 25 years, I can live with that, you go 25 years, I can live with that, you go 25 years, I can live with that, you know? you know? you know? I'm glad that you're like you're the I'm glad that you're like you're the I'm glad that you're like you're the advantage of being old. The long gone. advantage of being old. The long gone. advantage of being old. The long gone. And and you you've actually talked about And and you you've actually talked about And and you you've actually talked about age for a while because you had a book age for a while because you had a book age for a while because you had a book called Dave Barry turns 40 and then called Dave Barry turns 40 and then called Dave Barry turns 40 and then turns 50. There wasn't the 60. I gave up turns 50. There wasn't the 60. I gave up turns 50. There wasn't the 60. I gave up because Yeah. I just kept turning, you because Yeah. I just kept turning, you because Yeah. I just kept turning, you know. And you went for 77 rather than know. And you went for 77 rather than know. And you went for 77 rather than waiting for 80. Well, I don't know how waiting for 80. Well, I don't know how waiting for 80. Well, I don't know how much time I have left to be honest, much time I have left to be honest, much time I have left to be honest, Scott. Yeah. And then you have an entire Scott. Yeah. And then you have an entire Scott. Yeah. And then you have an entire I'm talking about in this interview. I'm talking about in this interview. I'm talking about in this interview. Yeah. No, we'll we'll get you out of Yeah. No, we'll we'll get you out of Yeah. No, we'll we'll get you out of here hopefully before uh Google updates here hopefully before uh Google updates here hopefully before uh Google updates their uh their their index. their uh their their index. their uh their their index. But I I I'm starting the reason I ask is But I I I'm starting the reason I ask is But I I I'm starting the reason I ask is I'm starting to feel my own age. And you I'm starting to feel my own age. And you I'm starting to feel my own age. And you have a whole section here in the book have a whole section here in the book have a whole section here in the book where you talk about how you have where you talk about how you have where you talk about how you have multiple heart doctors that talk to each multiple heart doctors that talk to each multiple heart doctors that talk to each other about your heart. I have many many other about your heart. I have many many other about your heart. I have many many do. Yeah, I feel like you How many do. Yeah, I feel like you How many do. Yeah, I feel like you How many doctors are making this happen? Many doctors are making this happen? Many doctors are making this happen? Many just multiple doctors, you know, but just multiple doctors, you know, but just multiple doctors, you know, but just it's not because I I'm sick. It's just it's not because I I'm sick. It's just it's not because I I'm sick. It's just because every time you go to a just because every time you go to a just because every time you go to a doctor, they refer you to another when doctor, they refer you to another when doctor, they refer you to another when you're old and referred you to another you're old and referred you to another you're old and referred you to another doctor and then you can never stop going doctor and then you can never stop going doctor and then you can never stop going to that doctor. So, I have just I have a to that doctor. So, I have just I have a to that doctor. So, I have just I have a whole softball team I could make of just whole softball team I could make of just whole softball team I could make of just of doctors.

of doctors. of doctors. The uh this one here, I was looking at The uh this one here, I was looking at The uh this one here, I was looking at the I'm on page 230. I made it that far. the I'm on page 230. I made it that far. the I'm on page 230. I made it that far. Uh, and you have this heart doctor, Uh, and you have this heart doctor, Uh, and you have this heart doctor, second heart doctor, kidney doctor. They second heart doctor, kidney doctor. They second heart doctor, kidney doctor. They all talk to each other. Follow follow all talk to each other. Follow follow all talk to each other. Follow follow follow up with uh each other. Uh, but follow up with uh each other. Uh, but follow up with uh each other. Uh, but you said that you're approaching them you said that you're approaching them you said that you're approaching them like you you talk to a mafia boss. You like you you talk to a mafia boss. You like you you talk to a mafia boss. You just say, "No." Yeah. I yield nothing. just say, "No." Yeah. I yield nothing. just say, "No." Yeah. I yield nothing. They say like, "So, you're not actually They say like, "So, you're not actually They say like, "So, you're not actually helping your doctors keep you around?" helping your doctors keep you around?" helping your doctors keep you around?" Oh, cuz they'll just order tests. Like, Oh, cuz they'll just order tests. Like, Oh, cuz they'll just order tests. Like, I feel fine. You know, the blood coming I feel fine. You know, the blood coming I feel fine. You know, the blood coming out of my ear, that's normal. I uh I told my dad that I was going to I uh I told my dad that I was going to be uh be talking to you and he was be uh be talking to you and he was be uh be talking to you and he was pretty excited uh because he and I used pretty excited uh because he and I used pretty excited uh because he and I used to read your column in like ' 84 85 86 to read your column in like ' 84 85 86 to read your column in like ' 84 85 86 in the Oregonian. Yeah. In the in the in the Oregonian. Yeah. In the in the in the Oregonian. Yeah. In the in the Oregonian and you said that there was a Oregonian and you said that there was a Oregonian and you said that there was a time when you had 500 local newspapers time when you had 500 local newspapers time when you had 500 local newspapers that were all syndicating your stuff. that were all syndicating your stuff. that were all syndicating your stuff. Yeah. Do you just give them the column Yeah. Do you just give them the column Yeah. Do you just give them the column and they just print it straight? and they just print it straight? and they just print it straight? We use electricity to get it to them. We use electricity to get it to them. We use electricity to get it to them. We're getting that soon. Are you guys We're getting that soon. Are you guys We're getting that soon. Are you guys familiar with this? Um, we could send it familiar with this? Um, we could send it familiar with this? Um, we could send it to them with using electricity. Yeah.

to them with using electricity. Yeah. to them with using electricity. Yeah. And that's how they got it. We didn't And that's how they got it. We didn't And that's how they got it. We didn't actually give it to them physically. No. actually give it to them physically. No. actually give it to them physically. No. No. You didn't walk it to them? No. No No. You didn't walk it to them? No. No No. You didn't walk it to them? No. No faxing? No. Okay. Would they print it faxing? No. Okay. Would they print it faxing? No. Okay. Would they print it exactly as you handed it to? Not always. exactly as you handed it to? Not always. exactly as you handed it to? Not always. Sometimes they would surgically remove Sometimes they would surgically remove Sometimes they would surgically remove all the punchlines, all the punchlines, all the punchlines, the editors. Yeah. I had issues. You the editors. Yeah. I had issues. You the editors. Yeah. I had issues. You know, we have that many people editing know, we have that many people editing know, we have that many people editing you. It was going to be they're going to you. It was going to be they're going to you. It was going to be they're going to be problem. But the people I had the be problem. But the people I had the be problem. But the people I had the most kind of editors weren't so the most kind of editors weren't so the most kind of editors weren't so the readers not all my re I loved my readers not all my re I loved my readers not all my re I loved my readers. I had a lot of readers. I had readers. I had a lot of readers. I had readers. I had a lot of readers. I had literally at some at some point like literally at some at some point like literally at some at some point like probably millions of readers and most of probably millions of readers and most of probably millions of readers and most of them were wonderful to me. Uh most of them were wonderful to me. Uh most of them were wonderful to me. Uh most of them I got a lot of ideas for columns them I got a lot of ideas for columns them I got a lot of ideas for columns from them. But in a way, the readers I from them. But in a way, the readers I from them. But in a way, the readers I loved the most were the ones who hated loved the most were the ones who hated loved the most were the ones who hated me because I got in a way more more me because I got in a way more more me because I got in a way more more material from them than like for material from them than like for material from them than like for example, I put it in the in the book. example, I put it in the in the book. example, I put it in the in the book. There's a uh my favorite single piece of There's a uh my favorite single piece of There's a uh my favorite single piece of mail. It's a postcard I got um and it mail. It's a postcard I got um and it mail. It's a postcard I got um and it it's just a postcard of big block it's just a postcard of big block it's just a postcard of big block letters. This was in response to a letters. This was in response to a letters. This was in response to a column I wrote about Christmas carols column I wrote about Christmas carols column I wrote about Christmas carols that I don't like. And the the postcard that I don't like. And the the postcard that I don't like. And the the postcard just says, "I haven't read one of your just says, "I haven't read one of your just says, "I haven't read one of your columns since you on the little columns since you on the little columns since you on the little drummer boy drummer boy drummer boy and never will." And and never will." And and never will." And just for the record, I'm not I'm not a just for the record, I'm not I'm not a just for the record, I'm not I'm not a big fan of that particular Christmas big fan of that particular Christmas big fan of that particular Christmas carol because it for one thing it goes carol because it for one thing it goes carol because it for one thing it goes on as long as dental school and but on as long as dental school and but on as long as dental school and but another thing the premise of it bothers another thing the premise of it bothers another thing the premise of it bothers me. If you have a newborn infant, the me. If you have a newborn infant, the me. If you have a newborn infant, the last thing you need is a kid with a drum last thing you need is a kid with a drum last thing you need is a kid with a drum coming in.

coming in. coming in. So anyway, but that that one So anyway, but that that one So anyway, but that that one I the one that got the column I wrote I the one that got the column I wrote I the one that got the column I wrote that got them riled the readers up that got them riled the readers up that got them riled the readers up probably more than any other and it probably more than any other and it probably more than any other and it resulted in a whole whole new area of resulted in a whole whole new area of resulted in a whole whole new area of writing for me was I I wrote a column writing for me was I I wrote a column writing for me was I I wrote a column about and this wasn't even the point of about and this wasn't even the point of about and this wasn't even the point of of this column but it mentioned in there of this column but it mentioned in there of this column but it mentioned in there and I before I say this I want to stress and I before I say this I want to stress and I before I say this I want to stress that I think Neil Diamond is a that I think Neil Diamond is a that I think Neil Diamond is a tremendous talent. Okay. But I wrote tremendous talent. Okay. But I wrote tremendous talent. Okay. But I wrote that maybe Neil Diamond could have done that maybe Neil Diamond could have done that maybe Neil Diamond could have done a little better with the lyric of the a little better with the lyric of the a little better with the lyric of the song that goes, "I am I said to no one song that goes, "I am I said to no one song that goes, "I am I said to no one there and no one heard it all, not even there and no one heard it all, not even there and no one heard it all, not even the chair." Which my feeling about that the chair." Which my feeling about that the chair." Which my feeling about that was like, "No kidding, Neil, cuz that's was like, "No kidding, Neil, cuz that's was like, "No kidding, Neil, cuz that's a piece of furniture." Um, probably the a piece of furniture." Um, probably the a piece of furniture." Um, probably the table didn't pick up on it either. But I table didn't pick up on it either. But I table didn't pick up on it either. But I got in response to that probably I don't got in response to that probably I don't got in response to that probably I don't know a thousand maybe letters from Neil know a thousand maybe letters from Neil know a thousand maybe letters from Neil Diamond fans who were very passionate Diamond fans who were very passionate Diamond fans who were very passionate you know furious at me like how dare you you know furious at me like how dare you you know furious at me like how dare you criticize this G and and so I wrote a criticize this G and and so I wrote a criticize this G and and so I wrote a that that was an inspir I wrote a whole that that was an inspir I wrote a whole that that was an inspir I wrote a whole new column about the Neil Diamond people new column about the Neil Diamond people new column about the Neil Diamond people being mad at me and that got a whole being mad at me and that got a whole being mad at me and that got a whole bunch more mail from people who are on bunch more mail from people who are on bunch more mail from people who are on on my team or you who didn't you also on my team or you who didn't you also on my team or you who didn't you also agreed with me about that and had other agreed with me about that and had other agreed with me about that and had other songs they wanted to talk about that songs they wanted to talk about that songs they wanted to talk about that they didn't like and I ended up it went they didn't like and I ended up it went they didn't like and I ended up it went on for weeks And I ended up writing a on for weeks And I ended up writing a on for weeks And I ended up writing a book about it. Songs people hate, which book about it. Songs people hate, which book about it. Songs people hate, which people still come up and talk to me people still come up and talk to me people still come up and talk to me about songs they hate. Like some You you about songs they hate. Like some You you about songs they hate. Like some You you actually got a ton of You said you had actually got a ton of You said you had actually got a ton of You said you had thousands of Mr. Barry, you're an Idiot.

thousands of Mr. Barry, you're an Idiot. thousands of Mr. Barry, you're an Idiot. Oh, yeah. Uh Sweet Caroline. They wanted Oh, yeah. Uh Sweet Caroline. They wanted Oh, yeah. Uh Sweet Caroline. They wanted to make sure that you knew Sweet to make sure that you knew Sweet to make sure that you knew Sweet Caroline. It was a genius song. Caroline. It was a genius song. Caroline. It was a genius song. Brilliant song. Yes. Right. Uh how many Brilliant song. Yes. Right. Uh how many Brilliant song. Yes. Right. Uh how many great songs have you written? Zero. great songs have you written? Zero. great songs have you written? Zero. That's the thing. Yeah. That that they That's the thing. Yeah. That that they That's the thing. Yeah. That that they got me there. They got me there. Um got me there. They got me there. Um got me there. They got me there. Um similar to my Pulitzer. Yeah. uh you similar to my Pulitzer. Yeah. uh you similar to my Pulitzer. Yeah. uh you have no talent which is why you're have no talent which is why you're have no talent which is why you're jealous of Neil Diamond of Neil Diamond. jealous of Neil Diamond of Neil Diamond. jealous of Neil Diamond of Neil Diamond. Yeah, that's exactly it. That's my And Yeah, that's exactly it. That's my And Yeah, that's exactly it. That's my And then there were some more uh more then there were some more uh more then there were some more uh more thoughtful uh criticism which I think is thoughtful uh criticism which I think is thoughtful uh criticism which I think is reasonable. Like you stupid idiot. Yeah. reasonable. Like you stupid idiot. Yeah. reasonable. Like you stupid idiot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I once okay since we're talking about I I once okay since we're talking about I I once okay since we're talking about um reader criticism and states that get um reader criticism and states that get um reader criticism and states that get picked on. Um I once wrote a column it picked on. Um I once wrote a column it picked on. Um I once wrote a column it was about um was about um was about um the what it was somebody had written the what it was somebody had written the what it was somebody had written tried to rank states in order of tried to rank states in order of tried to rank states in order of stupidity which is the most stupid state stupidity which is the most stupid state stupidity which is the most stupid state and I wrote a column objecting to it. I and I wrote a column objecting to it. I and I wrote a column objecting to it. I live in Florida and I felt that we live in Florida and I felt that we live in Florida and I felt that we should have been number one. You know should have been number one. You know should have been number one. You know Florida you can't spell it without duh. Florida you can't spell it without duh. Florida you can't spell it without duh. And but I also talked about some other And but I also talked about some other And but I also talked about some other states that maybe were, you know, states that maybe were, you know, states that maybe were, you know, qualified as not that bright. And I qualified as not that bright. And I qualified as not that bright. And I happened to mention among there were happened to mention among there were happened to mention among there were like four or five of them. One of them like four or five of them. One of them like four or five of them. One of them was Indiana. And I just I it was not a was Indiana. And I just I it was not a was Indiana. And I just I it was not a big deal. I just said Indiana like has a big deal. I just said Indiana like has a big deal. I just said Indiana like has a they call themselves who's nobody can they call themselves who's nobody can they call themselves who's nobody can explain what that word means. For all we explain what that word means. For all we explain what that word means. For all we know, it's it's a Native American word know, it's it's a Native American word know, it's it's a Native American word meaning has sex with caribou. So meaning has sex with caribou. So meaning has sex with caribou. So and it was just a you know whatever joke and it was just a you know whatever joke and it was just a you know whatever joke throw away. The other states were fine.

throw away. The other states were fine. throw away. The other states were fine. The the Indiana people were very The the Indiana people were very The the Indiana people were very defensive. And I got a couple of hundred defensive. And I got a couple of hundred defensive. And I got a couple of hundred letters all saying essentially the same letters all saying essentially the same letters all saying essentially the same thing. You idiot. Everybody knows what thing. You idiot. Everybody knows what thing. You idiot. Everybody knows what Hooser is. Follow. And then they had Hooser is. Follow. And then they had Hooser is. Follow. And then they had like 203 different explanations about like 203 different explanations about like 203 different explanations about who nobody. But my favorite of all those who nobody. But my favorite of all those who nobody. But my favorite of all those was a guy said, "For your information, was a guy said, "For your information, was a guy said, "For your information, Mr. Barry, there are no caribou in Mr. Barry, there are no caribou in Mr. Barry, there are no caribou in Indiana." you know, so he got me, you Indiana." you know, so he got me, you Indiana." you know, so he got me, you know, showed me. It was a crucial know, showed me. It was a crucial know, showed me. It was a crucial clarification. Hey friends, we're going to take a Hey friends, we're going to take a moment and hear from our new sponsor, moment and hear from our new sponsor, moment and hear from our new sponsor, Sharegate, at sharegate.com. I'm Sharegate, at sharegate.com. I'm Sharegate, at sharegate.com. I'm chatting with Shaylen Gimy. You know, uh chatting with Shaylen Gimy. You know, uh chatting with Shaylen Gimy. You know, uh Shaylen, I've been thinking about moving Shaylen, I've been thinking about moving Shaylen, I've been thinking about moving my uh Google Suite over to m365. And you my uh Google Suite over to m365. And you my uh Google Suite over to m365. And you know, the migrations, they're like know, the migrations, they're like know, the migrations, they're like pulling teeth. You know, what are the pulling teeth. You know, what are the pulling teeth. You know, what are the biggest headaches that IT teams will run biggest headaches that IT teams will run biggest headaches that IT teams will run into and and why does it take so long? into and and why does it take so long? into and and why does it take so long? You know, it's funny. I I find that IT You know, it's funny. I I find that IT You know, it's funny. I I find that IT admins always think migrations seem admins always think migrations seem admins always think migrations seem really complicated, but truthfully, if really complicated, but truthfully, if really complicated, but truthfully, if you do the planning really well, it can you do the planning really well, it can you do the planning really well, it can be smooth sailing. You know, it it's it be smooth sailing. You know, it it's it be smooth sailing. You know, it it's it all starts with planning. You need to all starts with planning. You need to all starts with planning. You need to figure out the scope, set realistic figure out the scope, set realistic figure out the scope, set realistic timelines, and take inventory of timelines, and take inventory of timelines, and take inventory of permissions. If you don't do that up permissions. If you don't do that up permissions. If you don't do that up front, you're kind of setting yourself front, you're kind of setting yourself front, you're kind of setting yourself up for delays and potential security up for delays and potential security up for delays and potential security risks down the line. uh you know the risks down the line. uh you know the risks down the line. uh you know the reality is a lot of these migrations reality is a lot of these migrations reality is a lot of these migrations involve huge amounts of sensitive data involve huge amounts of sensitive data involve huge amounts of sensitive data so rushing isn't an option and then so rushing isn't an option and then so rushing isn't an option and then there's also the Microsoft side you know there's also the Microsoft side you know there's also the Microsoft side you know Microsoft enforces some limits to manage

Microsoft enforces some limits to manage Microsoft enforces some limits to manage traffic which can slow things down even traffic which can slow things down even traffic which can slow things down even more uh that's where we come in you know more uh that's where we come in you know more uh that's where we come in you know we help IT teams get ahead of those we help IT teams get ahead of those we help IT teams get ahead of those roadblocks with uh ready-made reports roadblocks with uh ready-made reports roadblocks with uh ready-made reports like our site report lays out everything like our site report lays out everything like our site report lays out everything in your environment or source analysis in your environment or source analysis in your environment or source analysis which estimates ates how much effort which estimates ates how much effort which estimates ates how much effort your migration will actually take. Uh, your migration will actually take. Uh, your migration will actually take. Uh, and to get around throttling, well, our and to get around throttling, well, our and to get around throttling, well, our customers can utilize concurrent customers can utilize concurrent customers can utilize concurrent migrations with ShareGate Pro. It allows migrations with ShareGate Pro. It allows migrations with ShareGate Pro. It allows them to accelerate their migration. Very them to accelerate their migration. Very them to accelerate their migration. Very cool. That is Sharegate by WorkLEP. It's cool. That is Sharegate by WorkLEP. It's cool. That is Sharegate by WorkLEP. It's one tool to migrate faster and secure one tool to migrate faster and secure one tool to migrate faster and secure your tenant. It's an out-of-the-box your tenant. It's an out-of-the-box your tenant. It's an out-of-the-box Microsoft 365 migration and governance Microsoft 365 migration and governance Microsoft 365 migration and governance tool that you can learn all about at tool that you can learn all about at tool that you can learn all about at sharegate.com. Thanks a lot for being a sharegate.com. Thanks a lot for being a sharegate.com. Thanks a lot for being a sponsor. sponsor. sponsor. So you you I'm trying to get my timeline So you you I'm trying to get my timeline So you you I'm trying to get my timeline here though. Did you go on the Carson here though. Did you go on the Carson here though. Did you go on the Carson show on the Johnny Carson show before show on the Johnny Carson show before show on the Johnny Carson show before you were syndicated? Yeah, it was u this you were syndicated? Yeah, it was u this you were syndicated? Yeah, it was u this was like my my first book I think the was like my my first book I think the was like my my first book I think the second book way way back. Yeah. I was 84 second book way way back. Yeah. I was 84 second book way way back. Yeah. I was 84 extremely obscure humor writer and I had extremely obscure humor writer and I had extremely obscure humor writer and I had a book called The Taming of the Screw a book called The Taming of the Screw a book called The Taming of the Screw which was a parody of do-it-yourself which was a parody of do-it-yourself which was a parody of do-it-yourself manuals. a little little book and um I I manuals. a little little book and um I I manuals. a little little book and um I I had been on one TV show in Philadelphia, had been on one TV show in Philadelphia, had been on one TV show in Philadelphia, local TV show that nobody watched. I local TV show that nobody watched. I local TV show that nobody watched. I don't even think the cameraman was don't even think the cameraman was don't even think the cameraman was watching while I'm on it. Somehow a tape watching while I'm on it. Somehow a tape watching while I'm on it. Somehow a tape of that got into the hands of a booker of that got into the hands of a booker of that got into the hands of a booker for the Tonight Show. This is in 1985 or for the Tonight Show. This is in 1985 or for the Tonight Show. This is in 1985 or six when six when six when Johnny Carson was that was the biggest Johnny Carson was that was the biggest Johnny Carson was that was the biggest show in America and they they used to

show in America and they they used to show in America and they they used to still have authors on late night talk still have authors on late night talk still have authors on late night talk shows but he was huge and so I get this shows but he was huge and so I get this shows but he was huge and so I get this call um from this woman named Shirley call um from this woman named Shirley call um from this woman named Shirley Wood who was like this hard bitten gal Wood who was like this hard bitten gal Wood who was like this hard bitten gal and she goes all right I I got your book and she goes all right I I got your book and she goes all right I I got your book your book is funny are you funny and I'm your book is funny are you funny and I'm your book is funny are you funny and I'm like she was a smoker and um like she was a smoker and um like she was a smoker and um and and she says interviews me over the and and she says interviews me over the and and she says interviews me over the phone and not once does she laugh. She phone and not once does she laugh. She phone and not once does she laugh. She goes like, "No." Okay. No. You're like, goes like, "No." Okay. No. You're like, goes like, "No." Okay. No. You're like, "That's all I got from Shirley." But she "That's all I got from Shirley." But she "That's all I got from Shirley." But she booked me on the Tonight Show with booked me on the Tonight Show with booked me on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. So, they flew me from I Johnny Carson. So, they flew me from I Johnny Carson. So, they flew me from I lived in suburban Philadelphia then. lived in suburban Philadelphia then. lived in suburban Philadelphia then. Flew me from there to LA, picked me up Flew me from there to LA, picked me up Flew me from there to LA, picked me up in a limo. I'd never been in a limo in in a limo. I'd never been in a limo in in a limo. I'd never been in a limo in my life. Um, take me to the hotel, then my life. Um, take me to the hotel, then my life. Um, take me to the hotel, then take me to the studio. at the studio take me to the studio. at the studio take me to the studio. at the studio there's like you know all these people there's like you know all these people there's like you know all these people and then there's dressing rooms with and then there's dressing rooms with and then there's dressing rooms with stars on them and it's like Dick Cavitt stars on them and it's like Dick Cavitt stars on them and it's like Dick Cavitt the Pointer sisters Dave Barry you know the Pointer sisters Dave Barry you know the Pointer sisters Dave Barry you know where and they put me in there like and where and they put me in there like and where and they put me in there like and I didn't have I didn't need a dressing I didn't have I didn't need a dressing I didn't have I didn't need a dressing room I was wearing the clothes that I room I was wearing the clothes that I room I was wearing the clothes that I wore on the plane you know to be on the wore on the plane you know to be on the wore on the plane you know to be on the show um and then Shirley Wood comes in show um and then Shirley Wood comes in show um and then Shirley Wood comes in and and she takes me out there's a bar and and she takes me out there's a bar and and she takes me out there's a bar backstage and gets me a water glass full backstage and gets me a water glass full backstage and gets me a water glass full of wine and says drink this you know and of wine and says drink this you know and of wine and says drink this you know and then she and she's giving me a piece of then she and she's giving me a piece of then she and she's giving me a piece of paper with the questions she'd asked me paper with the questions she'd asked me paper with the questions she'd asked me over the phone and the answers I'd given over the phone and the answers I'd given over the phone and the answers I'd given her. And then like an hour later, I'm on her. And then like an hour later, I'm on her. And then like an hour later, I'm on I'm on the Tonight Show with Johnny I'm on the Tonight Show with Johnny I'm on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and um and it went great. He was Carson and um and it went great. He was Carson and um and it went great. He was you he was very good at his job, Johnny you he was very good at his job, Johnny you he was very good at his job, Johnny Carson. And I thought this is easy, you Carson. And I thought this is easy, you Carson. And I thought this is easy, you know, television. Um not realizing that

know, television. Um not realizing that know, television. Um not realizing that it would never be that good again. Um it would never be that good again. Um it would never be that good again. Um and then at the end of the the uh the and then at the end of the the uh the and then at the end of the the uh the show, you know, we go on and he's set me show, you know, we go on and he's set me show, you know, we go on and he's set me up for all the laughs, the audience up for all the laughs, the audience up for all the laughs, the audience laughs, you know, just just great. And laughs, you know, just just great. And laughs, you know, just just great. And then the uh it ends. I'm the last guy. then the uh it ends. I'm the last guy. then the uh it ends. I'm the last guy. The show ends. The the camera the red The show ends. The the camera the red The show ends. The the camera the red light goes off and Johnny Carson lights light goes off and Johnny Carson lights light goes off and Johnny Carson lights lights a cigarette, turns to me. This is lights a cigarette, turns to me. This is lights a cigarette, turns to me. This is the only interaction I had with him off the only interaction I had with him off the only interaction I had with him off the air. It's a do-it-yourself book and the air. It's a do-it-yourself book and the air. It's a do-it-yourself book and he goes, he goes, he goes, I used to do it yourself, I used to do it yourself, I used to do it yourself, you can't do yourself, right? That you can't do yourself, right? That you can't do yourself, right? That was my Johnny Carson moment. You know, was my Johnny Carson moment. You know, was my Johnny Carson moment. You know, and you said that people ask you like and you said that people ask you like and you said that people ask you like what's he like? What's he like? What's what's he like? What's he like? What's what's he like? What's he like? What's he like? I don't know what he's like. he like? I don't know what he's like. he like? I don't know what he's like. He's really good at being Johnny Carson. He's really good at being Johnny Carson. He's really good at being Johnny Carson. I'll tell you that. We didn't, you know, I'll tell you that. We didn't, you know, I'll tell you that. We didn't, you know, he didn't ever reveal to me what he was he didn't ever reveal to me what he was he didn't ever reveal to me what he was like. We just tal, you know, that was like. We just tal, you know, that was like. We just tal, you know, that was it. So, that's an example of hanging out it. So, that's an example of hanging out it. So, that's an example of hanging out with like some superstar for seven with like some superstar for seven with like some superstar for seven minutes. You got to hang out with him. minutes. You got to hang out with him. minutes. You got to hang out with him. But, uh, you got to hang out backstage But, uh, you got to hang out backstage But, uh, you got to hang out backstage at the Oscars because Steve Martin at the Oscars because Steve Martin at the Oscars because Steve Martin emailed you. Yeah, Steve Martin. Did he emailed you. Yeah, Steve Martin. Did he emailed you. Yeah, Steve Martin. Did he like email you from AOL or? No. What is like email you from AOL or? No. What is like email you from AOL or? No. What is Steve Martin's email address? I'm not Steve Martin's email address? I'm not Steve Martin's email address? I'm not going to tell you Steve Martin's email going to tell you Steve Martin's email going to tell you Steve Martin's email address, but yes, Steve Martin turned address, but yes, Steve Martin turned address, but yes, Steve Martin turned out was this is in uh 2003, was a fan of out was this is in uh 2003, was a fan of out was this is in uh 2003, was a fan of my writing uh in and he I didn't know my writing uh in and he I didn't know my writing uh in and he I didn't know this, but he emailed me and and said, this, but he emailed me and and said, this, but he emailed me and and said, you know, I'm going to be hosting the you know, I'm going to be hosting the you know, I'm going to be hosting the Oscars. Um I I want you to come out and Oscars. Um I I want you to come out and Oscars. Um I I want you to come out and be one of the writers. So, I did that.

be one of the writers. So, I did that. be one of the writers. So, I did that. It was really it was very cool. I got to It was really it was very cool. I got to It was really it was very cool. I got to be, you know, in the I had flew out to be, you know, in the I had flew out to be, you know, in the I had flew out to LA like five times to write jokes with LA like five times to write jokes with LA like five times to write jokes with the jokew writing team. Uh, and then um the jokew writing team. Uh, and then um the jokew writing team. Uh, and then um the night of the Oscars backstage which the night of the Oscars backstage which the night of the Oscars backstage which was really fun watching all the movie was really fun watching all the movie was really fun watching all the movie stars go by and I don't know it was much stars go by and I don't know it was much stars go by and I don't know it was much you know it was great. Thank you. you know it was great. Thank you. you know it was great. Thank you. So were you did you go front of the So were you did you go front of the So were you did you go front of the Oscars or were you always backstage? Oh Oscars or were you always backstage? Oh Oscars or were you always backstage? Oh no I never the whole time you're just no I never the whole time you're just no I never the whole time you're just backstage. Yeah but you wear you have to backstage. Yeah but you wear you have to backstage. Yeah but you wear you have to wear a you wear a tuxedo. I do wear a wear a you wear a tuxedo. I do wear a wear a you wear a tuxedo. I do wear a tuxedo even backstage and try not to tuxedo even backstage and try not to tuxedo even backstage and try not to like gape. Yeah, you know I'm standing like gape. Yeah, you know I'm standing like gape. Yeah, you know I'm standing right next to Halle Berry but I'm not right next to Halle Berry but I'm not right next to Halle Berry but I'm not gaping, you know. gaping, you know. gaping, you know. I just wonder what it's like to be in I just wonder what it's like to be in I just wonder what it's like to be in that in that that that strata because that in that that that strata because that in that that that strata because you're never going to find out, are you? you're never going to find out, are you? you're never going to find out, are you? No, this is this is as close as I'm No, this is this is as close as I'm No, this is this is as close as I'm getting. What is it like to be a getting. What is it like to be a getting. What is it like to be a well-known author who is not Stephen well-known author who is not Stephen well-known author who is not Stephen King? Well, I'm in a rock band with King? Well, I'm in a rock band with King? Well, I'm in a rock band with Stephen King. So, I'm Stephen is a Stephen King. So, I'm Stephen is a Stephen King. So, I'm Stephen is a friend of mine. Um, and uh, this band is friend of mine. Um, and uh, this band is friend of mine. Um, and uh, this band is it's called the Rock Bottom Reainders, it's called the Rock Bottom Reainders, it's called the Rock Bottom Reainders, which is and Stephen King, Amy Tan, which is and Stephen King, Amy Tan, which is and Stephen King, Amy Tan, Scott Ter, uh, Mitch Album, Ridley Scott Ter, uh, Mitch Album, Ridley Scott Ter, uh, Mitch Album, Ridley Pearson, Greg Isles, U, Mary Carr, Pearson, Greg Isles, U, Mary Carr, Pearson, Greg Isles, U, Mary Carr, Allan, bunch of bunch of good authors, Allan, bunch of bunch of good authors, Allan, bunch of bunch of good authors, but we we suck as a band. Um, we play but we we suck as a band. Um, we play but we we suck as a band. Um, we play Roy Blunt Jr., one of our members, Roy Blunt Jr., one of our members, Roy Blunt Jr., one of our members, describes our genre as hard listening describes our genre as hard listening describes our genre as hard listening music. Um, music. Um, music. Um, is that just done in a garage? Is this a is that just done in a garage? Is this a is that just done in a garage? Is this a garage band? Well, we're much worse than garage band? Well, we're much worse than garage band? Well, we're much worse than that. like more like a carport. Uh but that. like more like a carport. Uh but that. like more like a carport. Uh but not even really that good. But we were

not even really that good. But we were not even really that good. But we were supposed to only play one night. This supposed to only play one night. This supposed to only play one night. This was back in 1992 was back in 1992 was back in 1992 u for the American Book Sellers u for the American Book Sellers u for the American Book Sellers Association convention and it was going Association convention and it was going Association convention and it was going to be just that. And it was so much fun to be just that. And it was so much fun to be just that. And it was so much fun as Amy Tan put it afterward. I would do as Amy Tan put it afterward. I would do as Amy Tan put it afterward. I would do this to kill the whales. Um this to kill the whales. Um this to kill the whales. Um just for the we have never killed a just for the we have never killed a just for the we have never killed a whale that I'm aware of. That you know whale that I'm aware of. That you know whale that I'm aware of. That you know of that I know of. They don't listen to of that I know of. They don't listen to of that I know of. They don't listen to us. That's the way the reason. And but us. That's the way the reason. And but us. That's the way the reason. And but anyway, um we was so much fun that we we anyway, um we was so much fun that we we anyway, um we was so much fun that we we kind of stuck together and like I say, kind of stuck together and like I say, kind of stuck together and like I say, we're not so good at music. We're really we're not so good at music. We're really we're not so good at music. We're really good at endurance. We have endured good at endurance. We have endured good at endurance. We have endured longer than like, for example, the longer than like, for example, the longer than like, for example, the Beatles to name a band that's pretty, Beatles to name a band that's pretty, Beatles to name a band that's pretty, you know, it was pretty good. But did you know, it was pretty good. But did you know, it was pretty good. But did they endure? No, we did. No bullets on they endure? No, we did. No bullets on they endure? No, we did. No bullets on the Beatles. So, we're and we're still the Beatles. So, we're and we're still the Beatles. So, we're and we're still playing. We played in November and um playing. We played in November and um playing. We played in November and um and yeah, that's awesome. Um I I and yeah, that's awesome. Um I I and yeah, that's awesome. Um I I mentioned before about the turning mentioned before about the turning mentioned before about the turning different ages. You turned when you different ages. You turned when you different ages. You turned when you turned 50, you made a list, you know, turned 50, you made a list, you know, turned 50, you made a list, you know, you people do turn different ages. you people do turn different ages. you people do turn different ages. That's what it's kind of the way it That's what it's kind of the way it That's what it's kind of the way it works. In fact, almost every year you'll works. In fact, almost every year you'll works. In fact, almost every year you'll find you'll turn a different age. Yeah, find you'll turn a different age. Yeah, find you'll turn a different age. Yeah, it's monotonic. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard it's monotonic. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard it's monotonic. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that. I turned 50 a couple of years of that. I turned 50 a couple of years of that. I turned 50 a couple of years back and you when you turned 50, you had back and you when you turned 50, you had back and you when you turned 50, you had a list of 25 things you'd learned at a list of 25 things you'd learned at a list of 25 things you'd learned at that point. Just 25. Well, how many that point. Just 25. Well, how many that point. Just 25. Well, how many things have you learned, Scott? I mean, things have you learned, Scott? I mean, things have you learned, Scott? I mean, I've learned that Dave Barry is not as I've learned that Dave Barry is not as I've learned that Dave Barry is not as nice as he is in the book.

Yeah. Well, true. Yeah. Well, true. Uh it says here a person who is nice to Uh it says here a person who is nice to Uh it says here a person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice you but rude to the waiter is not a nice you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. Yeah. But it's different if like person. Yeah. But it's different if like person. Yeah. But it's different if like you're I'm being rude to you but I'm you're I'm being rude to you but I'm you're I'm being rude to you but I'm really nice to waiters. So really nice to waiters. So really nice to waiters. So [Laughter] [Laughter] [Laughter] I want to be a waiter now so you'll be I want to be a waiter now so you'll be I want to be a waiter now so you'll be nice to me. Uh and you also call out nice to me. Uh and you also call out nice to me. Uh and you also call out that there's a fine line between hobby that there's a fine line between hobby that there's a fine line between hobby and mental illness. Yes. Where do you and mental illness. Yes. Where do you and mental illness. Yes. Where do you put the band in that? Definitely mental put the band in that? Definitely mental put the band in that? Definitely mental illness. I mean no nobody really is illness. I mean no nobody really is illness. I mean no nobody really is asking us to play and we're still asking us to play and we're still asking us to play and we're still playing. playing. playing. Yeah. Um, do you think that you're going Yeah. Um, do you think that you're going Yeah. Um, do you think that you're going to do a book at 80 and a book at 100? to do a book at 80 and a book at 100? to do a book at 80 and a book at 100? No. No. Are you done? This is it. This No. No. Are you done? This is it. This No. No. Are you done? This is it. This is a book. Yeah. Seriously? I don't is a book. Yeah. Seriously? I don't is a book. Yeah. Seriously? I don't know. know. know. But I mean, I don't I just wrote this But I mean, I don't I just wrote this But I mean, I don't I just wrote this book, so I don't really I'm still out book, so I don't really I'm still out book, so I don't really I'm still out talking about this book. So, I have But talking about this book. So, I have But talking about this book. So, I have But why? Like, why why am I talking about? why? Like, why why am I talking about? why? Like, why why am I talking about? No. No. Why do you do you have a book? No. No. Why do you do you have a book? No. No. Why do you do you have a book? What book would you like to talk about? What book would you like to talk about? What book would you like to talk about? When you make a book, when you write a When you make a book, when you write a When you make a book, when you write a book about Moby Dick, but I didn't write book about Moby Dick, but I didn't write book about Moby Dick, but I didn't write that. What I'm saying is that when you that. What I'm saying is that when you that. What I'm saying is that when you write a book, is it because it's like in write a book, is it because it's like in write a book, is it because it's like in you? Like do you walking around just you? Like do you walking around just you? Like do you walking around just like I think I have another book in me like I think I have another book in me like I think I have another book in me and I got to get it out. What causes and I got to get it out. What causes and I got to get it out. What causes that to like well yeah writers write. I that to like well yeah writers write. I that to like well yeah writers write. I mean that's what you do. I don't have a mean that's what you do. I don't have a mean that's what you do. I don't have a useful skill. So that's what I do. And I useful skill. So that's what I do. And I useful skill. So that's what I do. And I was a little nervous this was a was a little nervous this was a was a little nervous this was a different kind of book for me because different kind of book for me because different kind of book for me because usually I write just humor book which is usually I write just humor book which is usually I write just humor book which is joke trying to entertain you. This is joke trying to entertain you. This is joke trying to entertain you. This is more, you know, well, it's I hope more, you know, well, it's I hope more, you know, well, it's I hope entertaining, but um it's also more entertaining, but um it's also more entertaining, but um it's also more about me and parts of it are pretty about me and parts of it are pretty about me and parts of it are pretty serious part and almost sad. But um serious part and almost sad. But um serious part and almost sad. But um but the the uh my editor and my agent

but the the uh my editor and my agent but the the uh my editor and my agent said, "Memoirs, people like memoirs. Why said, "Memoirs, people like memoirs. Why said, "Memoirs, people like memoirs. Why don't you write a memoir?" And I don't you write a memoir?" And I don't you write a memoir?" And I resisted it for a long time because I resisted it for a long time because I resisted it for a long time because I was like, "Well, who cares?" You know? was like, "Well, who cares?" You know? was like, "Well, who cares?" You know? Um but I finally I find it and when I Um but I finally I find it and when I Um but I finally I find it and when I when I was writing it was a little when I was writing it was a little when I was writing it was a little intimidating because um you know like intimidating because um you know like intimidating because um you know like they they said memoirs are big like for they they said memoirs are big like for they they said memoirs are big like for example Barbara Stryand wrote a 970 page example Barbara Stryand wrote a 970 page example Barbara Stryand wrote a 970 page memoir which was out big was a big memoir which was out big was a big memoir which was out big was a big seller when I was writing this book and seller when I was writing this book and seller when I was writing this book and I'm thinking like Barbara Stryand's I'm thinking like Barbara Stryand's I'm thinking like Barbara Stryand's really really famous. I'm not even really really famous. I'm not even really really famous. I'm not even close. Like she has a a part of her book close. Like she has a a part of her book close. Like she has a a part of her book where she says um which I mentioned I where she says um which I mentioned I where she says um which I mentioned I think in the beginning of this um she think in the beginning of this um she think in the beginning of this um she said she's describing she's got her book said she's describing she's got her book said she's describing she's got her book is completely full of famous people that is completely full of famous people that is completely full of famous people that she's interacted with all the way and she's interacted with all the way and she's interacted with all the way and she said she's on the phone with Warren she said she's on the phone with Warren she said she's on the phone with Warren Batty and she hangs up and she goes I Batty and she hangs up and she goes I Batty and she hangs up and she goes I was wondering did I sleep with Warren? was wondering did I sleep with Warren? was wondering did I sleep with Warren? Hard to remember maybe once. You know Hard to remember maybe once. You know Hard to remember maybe once. You know I'm thinking like I cannot compete with I'm thinking like I cannot compete with I'm thinking like I cannot compete with that. You know, like I know for a fact that. You know, like I know for a fact that. You know, like I know for a fact I've never slept with Warren Batty. What I've never slept with Warren Batty. What I've never slept with Warren Batty. What whatever you may hear from him. Okay, whatever you may hear from him. Okay, whatever you may hear from him. Okay, let's let's set that rumor to rest right let's let's set that rumor to rest right let's let's set that rumor to rest right now about me and Warren. When you were now about me and Warren. When you were now about me and Warren. When you were thinking about writing the memoir, thinking about writing the memoir, thinking about writing the memoir, you're being encouraged to write the you're being encouraged to write the you're being encouraged to write the memoir. There were questions like, "Why memoir. There were questions like, "Why memoir. There were questions like, "Why would anyone read this?" And and who would anyone read this?" And and who would anyone read this?" And and who would care, correct? Those were those would care, correct? Those were those would care, correct? Those were those were questions from My wife. Yeah. No, were questions from My wife. Yeah. No, were questions from My wife. Yeah. No, she encouraged me, but that's her job.

she encouraged me, but that's her job. she encouraged me, but that's her job. So, yeah, she's a writer as well. She's So, yeah, she's a writer as well. She's So, yeah, she's a writer as well. She's a sports writer. Yeah. My wife is a a sports writer. Yeah. My wife is a a sports writer. Yeah. My wife is a sports writer. I and she's um she has sports writer. I and she's um she has sports writer. I and she's um she has routinely goes into rooms full of naked routinely goes into rooms full of naked routinely goes into rooms full of naked men and but she assures me that she men and but she assures me that she men and but she assures me that she doesn't look and that they don't measure doesn't look and that they don't measure doesn't look and that they don't measure up to me and I believe her. I believe up to me and I believe her. I believe up to me and I believe her. I believe her. No. Is as as two writers in the her. No. Is as as two writers in the her. No. Is as as two writers in the same house, do you do you have like do same house, do you do you have like do same house, do you do you have like do you sit back to back with two you sit back to back with two you sit back to back with two typewriters or we don't use typewriters? typewriters or we don't use typewriters? typewriters or we don't use typewriters? Okay. Okay. Okay. We have computers We have computers We have computers um in Miami. Um yeah. No, we'll get them um in Miami. Um yeah. No, we'll get them um in Miami. Um yeah. No, we'll get them in Oregon soon. Yeah, she she we do. We in Oregon soon. Yeah, she she we do. We in Oregon soon. Yeah, she she we do. We sit in the same room opposite each other sit in the same room opposite each other sit in the same room opposite each other and every now and then I'll show her my and every now and then I'll show her my and every now and then I'll show her my screen. Yeah. And from across the room screen. Yeah. And from across the room screen. Yeah. And from across the room and say, "Do you think this is funny?" and say, "Do you think this is funny?" and say, "Do you think this is funny?" And she always says yes. Even though I And she always says yes. Even though I And she always says yes. Even though I know she can't actually read it. So he's know she can't actually read it. So he's know she can't actually read it. So he's very supportive in that respect. You very supportive in that respect. You very supportive in that respect. You know, know, know, was was um you started doing these was was um you started doing these was was um you started doing these things called ad lilibs. I wanted to go things called ad lilibs. I wanted to go things called ad lilibs. I wanted to go back to the very beginning. There was uh back to the very beginning. There was uh back to the very beginning. There was uh you weren't trying to be a humorist.

you weren't trying to be a humorist. you weren't trying to be a humorist. Certainly no one I hope would ever Certainly no one I hope would ever Certainly no one I hope would ever choose to do this, right? Like this choose to do this, right? Like this choose to do this, right? Like this would not be a thing you would would not be a thing you would would not be a thing you would orchestrate this particular thing. Yeah. orchestrate this particular thing. Yeah. orchestrate this particular thing. Yeah. You mean like right now? Yeah. Like this You mean like right now? Yeah. Like this You mean like right now? Yeah. Like this moment right now I feel like was moment right now I feel like was moment right now I feel like was orchestrated. No. No. That What were orchestrated. No. No. That What were orchestrated. No. No. That What were adlibbs and were you submitted humor to adlibbs and were you submitted humor to adlibbs and were you submitted humor to each? Well, when I got when I got out of each? Well, when I got when I got out of each? Well, when I got when I got out of college, my first real writing job was college, my first real writing job was college, my first real writing job was at a little newspaper in Pennsylvania at a little newspaper in Pennsylvania at a little newspaper in Pennsylvania called the Daily Local News, which was called the Daily Local News, which was called the Daily Local News, which was very local. And I was just the No, I was very local. And I was just the No, I was very local. And I was just the No, I was not there hired to write humor. I was not there hired to write humor. I was not there hired to write humor. I was hired to be, you know, I did obituaries hired to be, you know, I did obituaries hired to be, you know, I did obituaries and I was a general assignment reporter, and I was a general assignment reporter, and I was a general assignment reporter, obituaries, fires, police reports. I obituaries, fires, police reports. I obituaries, fires, police reports. I covered incredibly dull municipal covered incredibly dull municipal covered incredibly dull municipal meetings, some of which are probably meetings, some of which are probably meetings, some of which are probably still going on. I would write these long still going on. I would write these long still going on. I would write these long stories about what the Downing Town stories about what the Downing Town stories about what the Downing Town Regional Sewage Authority had done, Regional Sewage Authority had done, Regional Sewage Authority had done, which I'm sure nobody read. I'm not sure which I'm sure nobody read. I'm not sure which I'm sure nobody read. I'm not sure I read them. I just wrote them, you I read them. I just wrote them, you I read them. I just wrote them, you know. But then on the side, because it know. But then on the side, because it know. But then on the side, because it was a little paper, you could do was a little paper, you could do was a little paper, you could do different things. I learned a lot in different things. I learned a lot in different things. I learned a lot in that job because you did you do that job because you did you do that job because you did you do everything at a little paper and they everything at a little paper and they everything at a little paper and they would let you write little essays. They would let you write little essays. They would let you write little essays. They called them op-eds. Oped. They were called them op-eds. Oped. They were called them op-eds. Oped. They were opeds with they called them ad libs. And opeds with they called them ad libs. And opeds with they called them ad libs. And I would write a humor one, you know, at I would write a humor one, you know, at I would write a humor one, you know, at least I thought it was funny. Um, and least I thought it was funny. Um, and least I thought it was funny. Um, and that was sort of the beginning of of that was sort of the beginning of of that was sort of the beginning of of when I started writing columns. But I when I started writing columns. But I when I started writing columns. But I didn't think that was going to be my didn't think that was going to be my didn't think that was going to be my career. I didn't you know that was in career. I didn't you know that was in career. I didn't you know that was in the in the uh 70s and like Art Buckweld the in the uh 70s and like Art Buckweld the in the uh 70s and like Art Buckweld was the giant Irma Bombck, people like was the giant Irma Bombck, people like was the giant Irma Bombck, people like that. And I didn't ever imagine doing that. And I didn't ever imagine doing that. And I didn't ever imagine doing that, you know, full-time. And it was that, you know, full-time. And it was that, you know, full-time. And it was not until I was in my 30s that I not until I was in my 30s that I not until I was in my 30s that I actually was able to do it full time.

actually was able to do it full time. actually was able to do it full time. when you were uh when you were younger when you were uh when you were younger when you were uh when you were younger and when you I guess you were you were and when you I guess you were you were and when you I guess you were you were doing accounting and and things that doing accounting and and things that doing accounting and and things that weren't less glamorous. Were you were weren't less glamorous. Were you were weren't less glamorous. Were you were you a wise ass? Were you the you were you a wise ass? Were you the you were you a wise ass? Were you the you were the class clown? I was always a wise the class clown? I was always a wise the class clown? I was always a wise ass. Um I was actually elected class ass. Um I was actually elected class ass. Um I was actually elected class clown of my high school, Pleasantville clown of my high school, Pleasantville clown of my high school, Pleasantville High School, class of 1965. And that was High School, class of 1965. And that was High School, class of 1965. And that was a fair election, whatever you may have a fair election, whatever you may have a fair election, whatever you may have heard. Um but I was a wise ass all heard. Um but I was a wise ass all heard. Um but I was a wise ass all through school. I was a little kid who I through school. I was a little kid who I through school. I was a little kid who I didn't, you know, I wasn't good at didn't, you know, I wasn't good at didn't, you know, I wasn't good at sports or anything that I entertained my sports or anything that I entertained my sports or anything that I entertained my my my classmates by making jokes even my my classmates by making jokes even my my classmates by making jokes even when it was not really appropriate. It when it was not really appropriate. It when it was not really appropriate. It was kind of a discipline problem. And um was kind of a discipline problem. And um was kind of a discipline problem. And um and I but I was told by more than one and I but I was told by more than one and I but I was told by more than one teacher um that's very funny, David, but teacher um that's very funny, David, but teacher um that's very funny, David, but you you can't joke your way through you you can't joke your way through you you can't joke your way through life, which turns out to be inaccurate. life, which turns out to be inaccurate. life, which turns out to be inaccurate. You can't you can in fact joke your way You can't you can in fact joke your way You can't you can in fact joke your way through life. When you're just hanging through life. When you're just hanging through life. When you're just hanging out, do you ever have people try to get out, do you ever have people try to get out, do you ever have people try to get you to be like be on? Like if you're at you to be like be on? Like if you're at you to be like be on? Like if you're at Starbucks and you're just like, "Hey, Starbucks and you're just like, "Hey, Starbucks and you're just like, "Hey, tell me the joke." Take Well, people tell me the joke." Take Well, people tell me the joke." Take Well, people like Yeah. If they know that that they like Yeah. If they know that that they like Yeah. If they know that that they know who I am and they're familiar with know who I am and they're familiar with know who I am and they're familiar with my Sometimes people will be like, you my Sometimes people will be like, you my Sometimes people will be like, you know, like expecting Yeah. Like me. Like know, like expecting Yeah. Like me. Like know, like expecting Yeah. Like me. Like you Yeah. And find themselves. But it'll you Yeah. And find themselves. But it'll you Yeah. And find themselves. But it'll be in a supermarket and Well, this has be in a supermarket and Well, this has be in a supermarket and Well, this has not been, you know, a walk in the park not been, you know, a walk in the park not been, you know, a walk in the park for me either, Scott. Um they they'll for me either, Scott. Um they they'll for me either, Scott. Um they they'll they'll like um you know, you'll they'll they'll like um you know, you'll they'll they'll like um you know, you'll they'll if people expect you to be funny, then if people expect you to be funny, then if people expect you to be funny, then everything you say, you know, they'll everything you say, you know, they'll everything you say, you know, they'll say, "So, you know, what are you doing say, "So, you know, what are you doing say, "So, you know, what are you doing here?" And I'm I'm, you know, at the here?" And I'm I'm, you know, at the here?" And I'm I'm, you know, at the supermarket like, well, I'm I'm shopping supermarket like, well, I'm I'm shopping supermarket like, well, I'm I'm shopping for granola.

for granola. for granola. Like that was Like that was Like that was And it's embarrassing cuz I was that was And it's embarrassing cuz I was that was And it's embarrassing cuz I was that was not funny, you know, but I've got to not funny, you know, but I've got to not funny, you know, but I've got to pretend that was a witty thing I said. pretend that was a witty thing I said. pretend that was a witty thing I said. You know, I got Anyway, I'm going to You know, I got Anyway, I'm going to You know, I got Anyway, I'm going to pretend like that was a witty thing. pretend like that was a witty thing. pretend like that was a witty thing. Okay, do your best. Enjoy your box of Okay, do your best. Enjoy your box of Okay, do your best. Enjoy your box of water. water. water. We were talking about what you wanted to We were talking about what you wanted to We were talking about what you wanted to drink and we were worried that the box drink and we were worried that the box drink and we were worried that the box of water wasn't fancy enough and maybe of water wasn't fancy enough and maybe of water wasn't fancy enough and maybe you would want Yeah. Then this No, this you would want Yeah. Then this No, this you would want Yeah. Then this No, this is good water here. It's right out of is good water here. It's right out of is good water here. It's right out of the tap. We refilled these because we do the tap. We refilled these because we do the tap. We refilled these because we do that in Oregon. that in Oregon. that in Oregon. So Dave Barry's memoir of a professional So Dave Barry's memoir of a professional So Dave Barry's memoir of a professional wise as class clown is available. wise as class clown is available. wise as class clown is available. Everybody in the room gets one. Um I Everybody in the room gets one. Um I Everybody in the room gets one. Um I enjoyed most of it and enjoyed most of it and enjoyed most of it and and it's just it's fun to have you here and it's just it's fun to have you here and it's just it's fun to have you here and we're going to be able to spend a and we're going to be able to spend a and we're going to be able to spend a little bit. This honestly is the little bit. This honestly is the little bit. This honestly is the highlight of my life to date. So thank highlight of my life to date. So thank highlight of my life to date. So thank you. Yeah. Well, it's only going to get you. Yeah. Well, it's only going to get you. Yeah. Well, it's only going to get better. It can't get better. It can't better. It can't get better. It can't better. It can't get better. It can't get better from here. I'm going to kill get better from here. I'm going to kill get better from here. I'm going to kill myself myself myself just to make sure that nothing else just to make sure that nothing else just to make sure that nothing else happens to me after this cuz this I want happens to me after this cuz this I want happens to me after this cuz this I want to treasure this forever. Thank you.

to treasure this forever. Thank you. to treasure this forever. Thank you. Thank you so much for hanging out. Let's Thank you so much for hanging out. Let's Thank you so much for hanging out. Let's give a big hand for And let's let's applaud Scott because he And let's let's applaud Scott because he came all the way from Oregon to do this. I love that you explicitly said Oregon I love that you explicitly said Oregon just to be mean. just to be mean. just to be mean. That's right. You say Oregon, right? That's right. You say Oregon, right? That's right. You say Oregon, right? Organ. Organ. Organ. Organ. Yeah. I Organ. Organ. Organ. Organ. Yeah. I Organ. Organ. Organ. Organ. Yeah. I don't know why. We just do to be don't know why. We just do to be don't know why. We just do to be different. Yeah. Yeah. It's like organ. different. Yeah. Yeah. It's like organ. different. Yeah. Yeah. It's like organ. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Spleen. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Spleen. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Spleen. Like your spleen. Well, it's an organ. Like your spleen. Well, it's an organ. Like your spleen. Well, it's an organ. I'm thinking of or or Never mind. Panc. I'm thinking of or or Never mind. Panc. I'm thinking of or or Never mind. Panc. That's okay. We can always end on a low. That's okay. We can always end on a low. That's okay. We can always end on a low. I am. If you want to. I have a pretty I am. If you want to. I have a pretty I am. If you want to. I have a pretty great spleen story. You want to hear my great spleen story. You want to hear my great spleen story. You want to hear my Let's Let's end on the spleen story. Let's Let's end on the spleen story. Let's Let's end on the spleen story. Everyone want to hear the spleen story? Everyone want to hear the spleen story? Everyone want to hear the spleen story? All right. We'll end on the spleen. This All right. We'll end on the spleen. This All right. We'll end on the spleen. This is my only spleen story, but I think is my only spleen story, but I think is my only spleen story, but I think it's worthwhile. Okay, this band I'm in, it's worthwhile. Okay, this band I'm in, it's worthwhile. Okay, this band I'm in, the remainders um the remainders um the remainders um we have been told that other other bands we have been told that other other bands we have been told that other other bands uh rehearse the songs ahead of time. uh rehearse the songs ahead of time. uh rehearse the songs ahead of time. That's their secret.

That's their secret. That's their secret. And we don't do that. We we usually play And we don't do that. We we usually play And we don't do that. We we usually play a show and then we go, we should have a show and then we go, we should have a show and then we go, we should have rehearsed those songs ahead of time, you rehearsed those songs ahead of time, you rehearsed those songs ahead of time, you know. So anyway, but we don't. So we we know. So anyway, but we don't. So we we know. So anyway, but we don't. So we we just go to a bar. So anyway, we had just go to a bar. So anyway, we had just go to a bar. So anyway, we had played a show in New York City and we played a show in New York City and we played a show in New York City and we went to a bar at the hotel bar and uh I went to a bar at the hotel bar and uh I went to a bar at the hotel bar and uh I had too many vodka gimlets. I'm just had too many vodka gimlets. I'm just had too many vodka gimlets. I'm just going to admit it. It was not my fault. going to admit it. It was not my fault. going to admit it. It was not my fault. People were buying them for me, but I People were buying them for me, but I People were buying them for me, but I did drink them. Um so I had maybe three did drink them. Um so I had maybe three did drink them. Um so I had maybe three or four too many vodka gimlets at some or four too many vodka gimlets at some or four too many vodka gimlets at some point. And I'm sitting in between uh two point. And I'm sitting in between uh two point. And I'm sitting in between uh two authors that I really like. Roy Blunt authors that I really like. Roy Blunt authors that I really like. Roy Blunt Jr. is one of the funniest people I Jr. is one of the funniest people I Jr. is one of the funniest people I know. And Scott Tro is brilliant, great know. And Scott Tro is brilliant, great know. And Scott Tro is brilliant, great guy. And I'm sitting between them in guy. And I'm sitting between them in guy. And I'm sitting between them in with my in my vodka gimlet haze trying with my in my vodka gimlet haze trying with my in my vodka gimlet haze trying to follow two conversations and and to follow two conversations and and to follow two conversations and and Scott's was this long complicated story Scott's was this long complicated story Scott's was this long complicated story about his spleen and I keep interrupting about his spleen and I keep interrupting about his spleen and I keep interrupting him because I keep I'm having trouble him because I keep I'm having trouble him because I keep I'm having trouble following and I'm getting distracted by following and I'm getting distracted by following and I'm getting distracted by Roy. I keep saying wait a minute do you Roy. I keep saying wait a minute do you Roy. I keep saying wait a minute do you have a spleen or not? because the story have a spleen or not? because the story have a spleen or not? because the story it wasn't clear the way he was telling it wasn't clear the way he was telling it wasn't clear the way he was telling it at least not to me but I did have a it at least not to me but I did have a it at least not to me but I did have a lot of I could give him a split and I he lot of I could give him a split and I he lot of I could give him a split and I he says no I don't have a spleen that's the says no I don't have a spleen that's the says no I don't have a spleen that's the point you know and then a little later I point you know and then a little later I point you know and then a little later I got confused wait a minute I thought you got confused wait a minute I thought you got confused wait a minute I thought you said you don't have a no I don't have a said you don't have a no I don't have a said you don't have a no I don't have a so the third time I interrupt him about so the third time I interrupt him about so the third time I interrupt him about that and he's a really nice man he pulls that and he's a really nice man he pulls that and he's a really nice man he pulls up my sleeve takes a Sharpie and writes up my sleeve takes a Sharpie and writes up my sleeve takes a Sharpie and writes no spleen no spleen no spleen on on my forearm in big letters and that on on my forearm in big letters and that on on my forearm in big letters and that solved the problem for the evening so solved the problem for the evening so solved the problem for the evening so then we go to bed not I'm I know mean then we go to bed not I'm I know mean then we go to bed not I'm I know mean Scott and me, but you know, everybody Scott and me, but you know, everybody Scott and me, but you know, everybody everybody went to bed. Then we had to everybody went to bed. Then we had to everybody went to bed. Then we had to get up really early the next morning get up really early the next morning get up really early the next morning because we're going to do a show in because we're going to do a show in because we're going to do a show in Boston. We had to take the train. So I

Boston. We had to take the train. So I Boston. We had to take the train. So I get up in in the my hotel bedroom and I get up in in the my hotel bedroom and I get up in in the my hotel bedroom and I in hotel room and I don't remember much in hotel room and I don't remember much in hotel room and I don't remember much about the night before. I'm walking about the night before. I'm walking about the night before. I'm walking toward the bathroom and I look I look in toward the bathroom and I look I look in toward the bathroom and I look I look in the mirror and I see something's written the mirror and I see something's written the mirror and I see something's written on my arm and I look down and it says no on my arm and I look down and it says no on my arm and I look down and it says no spleen. And I have no memory of why spleen. And I have no memory of why spleen. And I have no memory of why that's there. And you know that that that's there. And you know that that that's there. And you know that that urban legend urban legend urban legend of the guy, the salesman, and he's in a of the guy, the salesman, and he's in a of the guy, the salesman, and he's in a bar in a hotel and a hot babe slips him bar in a hotel and a hot babe slips him bar in a hotel and a hot babe slips him a Mickey and he wakes up the next a Mickey and he wakes up the next a Mickey and he wakes up the next morning in the bathtub packed in ice morning in the bathtub packed in ice morning in the bathtub packed in ice wearing a and he's got a somebody's put wearing a and he's got a somebody's put wearing a and he's got a somebody's put a note on his chest that says, "We have a note on his chest that says, "We have a note on his chest that says, "We have harvested one of your kidneys. Here's harvested one of your kidneys. Here's harvested one of your kidneys. Here's what you need to do." So for just a few what you need to do." So for just a few what you need to do." So for just a few horrible seconds horrible seconds horrible seconds in that New York hotel room, I think, in that New York hotel room, I think, in that New York hotel room, I think, "Oh my god, they've harvested my "Oh my god, they've harvested my "Oh my god, they've harvested my spleen." spleen." spleen." And then as my brain starts to reboot, And then as my brain starts to reboot, And then as my brain starts to reboot, I'm thinking like, "No, they didn't." I'm thinking like, "No, they didn't." I'm thinking like, "No, they didn't." Like, "You don't even need a spleen." Like, "You don't even need a spleen." Like, "You don't even need a spleen." That was the whole point of Scott's That was the whole point of Scott's That was the whole point of Scott's story. Like, there's probably a saying story. Like, there's probably a saying story. Like, there's probably a saying in organ harvesting circles. He's so in organ harvesting circles. He's so in organ harvesting circles. He's so stupid he'd harvest the spleen. Uh, so stupid he'd harvest the spleen. Uh, so stupid he'd harvest the spleen. Uh, so anyway, so the the moral of that story anyway, so the the moral of that story anyway, so the the moral of that story is Joe Easy on the the vodka gimlets.

is Joe Easy on the the vodka gimlets. is Joe Easy on the the vodka gimlets. But that's that's my spleen story. So, I But that's that's my spleen story. So, I But that's that's my spleen story. So, I had to get that in here. All right. All right. Well, thank you All right. All right. Well, thank you friends for spending time with us uh at friends for spending time with us uh at friends for spending time with us uh at Outside in and again big hand to Dave Outside in and again big hand to Dave Outside in and again big hand to Dave Barry for writing books over so many Barry for writing books over so many Barry for writing books over so many years and for making us laugh. We years and for making us laugh. We years and for making us laugh. We appreciate you though. Thank you. appreciate you though. Thank you. appreciate you though. Thank you. Thanks.