The Art of Disagreeing with Dignity | Tami Pyfer | TED

When I was working as the education policy advisor for the governor of Utah, I was approached by a group of elementary school students who reached out asking for my help. These young entrepreneurs were learning how to create their own businesses, and they had decided to create a portrait business. If you sent them a photo and $6, they would sketch your portrait. Well I was eager to support these students, and so I sent this photo of my oldest son. He's a musician. And I've always thought that this picture really captured his personality. So I sent in my $6 and waited. This is what I got back. (Laughter and applause) How fantastic is this, right? The blue beard, the whole vibe. My son loved this so much that it's hanging in his studio. (Laughter) I loved it so much, I wanted them to draw me. So I sent this photo of my husband and me.

We were out to dinner for my birthday. It's one of my favorite photos. For $6, this is what I got back. (Laughter) Ouch. (Laughter) It can be a little painful when you realize that the way you see yourself is dramatically -- (Laughter) Dramatically different from how other people see you. But that gap, that difference in perspective, can also be powerful. Because when we learn to see ourselves through a new lens, it can open a path to growth. And it just might be the key to strengthening democracy. A few years ago, my family was struggling, not because we didn't love each other, but because like a lot of families, our political differences had started to impact the way we interacted with each other. We're a politically diverse family. I have five kids who belong to five political parties.

(Laughter) I have an independent, a Democrat, a Democratic socialist, a libertarian and a Republican. And my husband and I have different political views as well. He is an unaffiliated conservative, and I am a moderate Republican. We're basically our own focus group. (Laughter) I've always considered raising kids with independent views a parenting win. (Applause) But during this time, it didn't feel like anyone was winning. Conversations got tense. Sometimes we argued, but mostly we just avoided talking about anything that could stir controversy. [At] our Thanksgiving dinners, we implemented the no-politics rule. But even then, an unguarded comment could break the truce. Slowly, I recognized something else coming into our conversations and our interactions.

It was more than disagreement. It was more than conflict. It was contempt. Now we’re living in a culture of contempt. You see it everywhere: on social media, on cable news, on talk radio and especially in politics. Contempt is this feeling that you're better than those people, that their views aren't just wrong, but dangerous. And they’re not just mistaken -- they're evil. And when contempt enters a conversation, everything changes. It changes the way we see each other. It erodes trust. It weakens relationships and divides communities. Over time, it damages democracy itself. The antidote to contempt is dignity. Dignity is the inherent worth of every human being. Not because of what we believe, not because of what we achieve, but because we are human. And if contempt says, “I see myself above you,” dignity says, “I see myself in you.” And when contempt pulls us apart, dignity can bring us back together.

In our families, our communities and our country. Now if contempt is so damaging and dignity is so healing, what if we had a way to see both more clearly? That question led my colleagues and me to create something called “The Dignity Index.” It’s a simple scale that measures how we treat each other, or the language that we use when we disagree. The scale goes from one to eight, and on one side of the scale is contempt. This is where we dismiss others. Maybe we mock them, we dehumanize, and we ultimately condone or even commit acts of violence and feel virtuous about it. On the other side of the scale is dignity. Dignity is where we listen. We seek common ground. We admit mistakes. And we're able to see each other's humanity even in disagreement, even in conflict. Now The Dignity Index scores language, not people.

No one is a three, no one is a seven. We all have the ability to move up and down the scale every day. Let's give it a try. Let's score this quote. This is from Senator John McCain in his concession speech to then-Senator Barack Obama in 2008. Senator McCain said, "I've always believed that America offers opportunity to all who have the industry and will to seize it. Senator Obama believes that, too." This score is a six. We're always looking for those things that we have in common, the values and interests that we share, because we have more in common than we think. Let's score this quote. This is from a political fundraising email. "The American Dream is under attack by the -- woke left, radical right -- fill in the blank. The fight is no longer at our doorstep. It's entered our homes and personal lives." This is a two. Those people are evil and they're going to destroy everything if we let them. They're a danger to everything that we value.

We're going to score one last quote here. This one is from Benjamin Franklin, and this was on the last night of the Constitutional Convention. He was advocating for approval of the Constitution, even though he disagreed with several points in the Constitution, saying, "I've experienced many instances of being obliged by better information or fuller consideration to change opinions, even on important subjects." This is a beautiful seven -- where you're going to work with people who think differently than you do. That you’re going to be open to admitting that you might’ve made a mistake, or that you changed your mind. That's how you use the Dignity Index. See how easy it is? Now when we first created the Dignity Index, we designed it to score political speech. And that's how most people tend to think about it when they start to learn the scale. As a tool for judging others. Their senator, maybe their boss, maybe their spouse. But then something unexpected happens.

They remember a conversation they may [have] been dismissed or mocked someone because of their views, or they rolled their eyes. And they think, "Oh wow, that was contempt. And that was me." We call this the mirror effect. It's the moment we see our own role in division and realize we can choose something better. Because when we use contempt, it's hard to see it. But once we see it, it becomes harder to use it. And The Dignity Index helps us see it. That shift can change a political conversation. It can also change a workplace or a community, even a family. Earlier, I introduced my family by their political labels. But those beliefs are just a small part of who they really are. My kids are also thoughtful, loyal, creative generous genuine.

My husband is steadfast. And me, I am determined. In the midst of our differences, we have to remind ourselves of these humanizing qualities in each other. And sometimes it's hard work. We still do not agree on politics. But we do agree that we should treat each other with dignity. There was one experience that really brought this home for me. I was invited to speak at a political event in a large metropolitan city. It was my first formal presentation on the Dignity Index, and my husband had come along for support. As we walked into the event, I looked around and realized that I should not be there. The speeches were fiery, and the topics were the exact ones that had caused tensions between my husband and me. I felt like these were his people. (Laughter) And I was about to be attacked.

So we sat at the back of the room and waited. I braced myself and leaned over to my husband and said, "A speech on dignity is not going to land here." And he leaned over and said, "This is the right message. You can do this. Let me help you." And he coached me on how to speak to this group, how to connect, how to help them feel understood while not compromising what I believed. That was a breakthrough because we couldn't have done that just a few years earlier. We would not have known how to cross that divide. The divide in the room and the divide between us. But we were doing the work, we were learning how to disagree with dignity. And that changed everything. There is no America without democracy. There is no democracy without healthy debate. And there is no healthy debate unless we treat each other with dignity. And it often begins with something as simple as looking in the mirror.

Because when we learn to see ourselves clearly, we begin choosing more dignity and less contempt. And that small shift multiplied across families, communities and our country, is exactly what democracy needs most. Thank you. (Cheers and applause)