What Are Biblical Grounds for Divorce?

We're going to be talking about unwanted We're going to be talking about unwanted divorce, which we're defining as a divorce, which we're defining as a divorce, which we're defining as a divorce either initiated by your spouse divorce either initiated by your spouse divorce either initiated by your spouse against your wishes or initiated by you against your wishes or initiated by you against your wishes or initiated by you because your spouse's behavior has because your spouse's behavior has because your spouse's behavior has created biblical grounds for divorce. created biblical grounds for divorce. created biblical grounds for divorce. And I just want to begin by stating the And I just want to begin by stating the And I just want to begin by stating the obvious that at some level all divorce obvious that at some level all divorce obvious that at some level all divorce is unwanted. I don't think anybody gets is unwanted. I don't think anybody gets is unwanted. I don't think anybody gets married hoping that they will get married hoping that they will get married hoping that they will get divorced. Um it's always painful. divorced. Um it's always painful. divorced. Um it's always painful. And so we are praying and hoping that And so we are praying and hoping that And so we are praying and hoping that this conversation not only provides this conversation not only provides this conversation not only provides comfort and help for anyone who has comfort and help for anyone who has comfort and help for anyone who has experienced or is experiencing divorce. experienced or is experiencing divorce. experienced or is experiencing divorce. We also hope it will help all of us walk We also hope it will help all of us walk We also hope it will help all of us walk alongside our friends and sisters who alongside our friends and sisters who alongside our friends and sisters who either have or are. And so Wendy and either have or are. And so Wendy and either have or are. And so Wendy and Benita, one thing I love about both of Benita, one thing I love about both of Benita, one thing I love about both of you being on here is your stories are you being on here is your stories are you being on here is your stories are very different. And so what I'd like to very different. And so what I'd like to very different. And so what I'd like to do is just start by simply asking you to do is just start by simply asking you to do is just start by simply asking you to share your story with us and I want to share your story with us and I want to share your story with us and I want to say on the front end, thank you for your say on the front end, thank you for your say on the front end, thank you for your willingness to do that. Um it's a gift willingness to do that. Um it's a gift willingness to do that. Um it's a gift and something for us all to receive with and something for us all to receive with and something for us all to receive with gratitude. And so I'm hoping again that gratitude. And so I'm hoping again that gratitude. And so I'm hoping again that your stories will um serve to help and your stories will um serve to help and your stories will um serve to help and encourage anyone listening. So Wendy, encourage anyone listening. So Wendy, encourage anyone listening. So Wendy, would you would you go first?

would you would you go first? would you would you go first? >> Sure. >> Sure. >> Sure. So um my husband and I have been married So um my husband and I have been married So um my husband and I have been married about 14 years when in 2012 he had the about 14 years when in 2012 he had the about 14 years when in 2012 he had the onset of um really severe symptoms of onset of um really severe symptoms of onset of um really severe symptoms of what we would later figure out was what we would later figure out was what we would later figure out was schizophrenia. schizophrenia. schizophrenia. And um he had several hospital stays, um And um he had several hospital stays, um And um he had several hospital stays, um was resistant to treatment. And in 2014 was resistant to treatment. And in 2014 was resistant to treatment. And in 2014 when our boys were maybe eight and nine when our boys were maybe eight and nine when our boys were maybe eight and nine or eight and 10, or eight and 10, or eight and 10, he um did something that made me feel he um did something that made me feel he um did something that made me feel unsafe and I had to file for legal unsafe and I had to file for legal unsafe and I had to file for legal separation. And I had really, really separation. And I had really, really separation. And I had really, really hoped that he would get on medicine, hoped that he would get on medicine, hoped that he would get on medicine, that we could reconcile, that he could that we could reconcile, that he could that we could reconcile, that he could come back home, but he then um took it come back home, but he then um took it come back home, but he then um took it to the next level of divorce. So, in to the next level of divorce. So, in to the next level of divorce. So, in 2015, we were divorced, and um that was 2015, we were divorced, and um that was 2015, we were divorced, and um that was 10 years ago. He's still um in our 10 years ago. He's still um in our 10 years ago. He's still um in our lives. He's disabled lives. He's disabled lives. He's disabled through mental illness and some other through mental illness and some other through mental illness and some other health issues, health issues, health issues, um but we have not reconciled. Thank um but we have not reconciled. Thank um but we have not reconciled. Thank you. Venita, do you mind telling us your you. Venita, do you mind telling us your you. Venita, do you mind telling us your story?

story? story? >> Yeah, um >> Yeah, um >> Yeah, um we'd been married 17 years, and um we'd been married 17 years, and um we'd been married 17 years, and um my ex-husband came home and said from a my ex-husband came home and said from a my ex-husband came home and said from a business trip and said he had met business trip and said he had met business trip and said he had met someone else. someone else. someone else. As it unfolded, I found out he had They As it unfolded, I found out he had They As it unfolded, I found out he had They had been in a relationship for a year. had been in a relationship for a year. had been in a relationship for a year. And um so, we He did not know if he And um so, we He did not know if he And um so, we He did not know if he wanted divorce though. So, I was just wanted divorce though. So, I was just wanted divorce though. So, I was just trying to figure all of that out. So, we trying to figure all of that out. So, we trying to figure all of that out. So, we were in counseling just trying to figure were in counseling just trying to figure were in counseling just trying to figure what to do out. We had two daughters um what to do out. We had two daughters um what to do out. We had two daughters um who were um 11 and 13 or 10 and 13. So, who were um 11 and 13 or 10 and 13. So, who were um 11 and 13 or 10 and 13. So, I was praying and asking the Lord for I was praying and asking the Lord for I was praying and asking the Lord for wisdom, and wisdom, and wisdom, and it took a long time to make it um really it took a long time to make it um really it took a long time to make it um really clear. So, it was a very hard process, clear. So, it was a very hard process, clear. So, it was a very hard process, and we are friends now, but obviously and we are friends now, but obviously and we are friends now, but obviously not reconciled. not reconciled. not reconciled. >> Well, and Venita, you know, you and I >> Well, and Venita, you know, you and I >> Well, and Venita, you know, you and I are Well, we all three are real-life are Well, we all three are real-life are Well, we all three are real-life friends. Um you've also written about friends. Um you've also written about friends. Um you've also written about your stories that uh in books that I your stories that uh in books that I your stories that uh in books that I We're going to put in the show notes We're going to put in the show notes We're going to put in the show notes because they are amazing. So, I know in because they are amazing. So, I know in because they are amazing. So, I know in Walking Through Fire, you also This Walking Through Fire, you also This Walking Through Fire, you also This wasn't even the first time, and you had wasn't even the first time, and you had wasn't even the first time, and you had not only gone through the death of a not only gone through the death of a not only gone through the death of a child, but you had gone through previous child, but you had gone through previous child, but you had gone through previous infidelity with um the same with the infidelity with um the same with the infidelity with um the same with the same husband, your first husband. Um and same husband, your first husband. Um and same husband, your first husband. Um and so, this was kind of just wounding upon so, this was kind of just wounding upon so, this was kind of just wounding upon upon wounding upon wounding when upon wounding upon wounding when upon wounding upon wounding when when you finally um realized that he was when you finally um realized that he was when you finally um realized that he was not um actually repentant, but

not um actually repentant, but not um actually repentant, but continuing continuing continuing um, continuing in sin. Yeah, and I mean um, continuing in sin. Yeah, and I mean um, continuing in sin. Yeah, and I mean one thing that my pastor said that was one thing that my pastor said that was one thing that my pastor said that was really helpful is repentance has fruit, really helpful is repentance has fruit, really helpful is repentance has fruit, and so you don't want to have him move and so you don't want to have him move and so you don't want to have him move back in back in back in until you see fruit. until you see fruit. until you see fruit. And that was something I had, you know, And that was something I had, you know, And that was something I had, you know, written every day, like help me see written every day, like help me see written every day, like help me see fruit, help me to know what you want me fruit, help me to know what you want me fruit, help me to know what you want me to do. And that was a very helpful to do. And that was a very helpful to do. And that was a very helpful statement that he made. But yeah, at statement that he made. But yeah, at statement that he made. But yeah, at that point we I had been been through a that point we I had been been through a that point we I had been been through a lot. We'd been through a lot together. lot. We'd been through a lot together. lot. We'd been through a lot together. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, which is why one to hold on when >> Yeah, which is why one to hold on when >> Yeah, which is why one to hold on when you go through a lot of struggles you go through a lot of struggles you go through a lot of struggles together. together. together. >> Well, we've already talked about um, >> Well, we've already talked about um, >> Well, we've already talked about um, this phrase biblical grounds for this phrase biblical grounds for this phrase biblical grounds for divorce. And so do you guys would you divorce. And so do you guys would you divorce. And so do you guys would you kind of talk about what that is and sort kind of talk about what that is and sort kind of talk about what that is and sort of set the parameters for us as we as we of set the parameters for us as we as we of set the parameters for us as we as we enter into this conversation talking enter into this conversation talking enter into this conversation talking about um, how we how we walk through about um, how we how we walk through about um, how we how we walk through these things. Can you each kind of speak these things. Can you each kind of speak these things. Can you each kind of speak into what what does that mean, biblical into what what does that mean, biblical into what what does that mean, biblical grounds for divorce? grounds for divorce? grounds for divorce? >> Yeah, I would say um, one infidelity is >> Yeah, I would say um, one infidelity is >> Yeah, I would say um, one infidelity is very clear in in scripture. And then very clear in in scripture. And then very clear in in scripture. And then Paul So Jesus talks about that, and then Paul So Jesus talks about that, and then Paul So Jesus talks about that, and then Paul talks about Paul talks about Paul talks about abandonment by an unbelieving spouse.

abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. And And And that those are the two super clear that those are the two super clear that those are the two super clear lines, but a lot of people would say lines, but a lot of people would say lines, but a lot of people would say that abuse is really abandoning the that abuse is really abandoning the that abuse is really abandoning the covenant because that's really a lot of covenant because that's really a lot of covenant because that's really a lot of what abandonment is. It doesn't have to what abandonment is. It doesn't have to what abandonment is. It doesn't have to be physical, but abandoning the covenant be physical, but abandoning the covenant be physical, but abandoning the covenant that the person made. that the person made. that the person made. >> Well, I think that's such an important >> Well, I think that's such an important >> Well, I think that's such an important distinction because I think a lot of distinction because I think a lot of distinction because I think a lot of times we think of abandonment as of the times we think of abandonment as of the times we think of abandonment as of the person and and yet the spouse is still person and and yet the spouse is still person and and yet the spouse is still there, but the abandonment of the there, but the abandonment of the there, but the abandonment of the covenant of the covenantal promises and covenant of the covenantal promises and covenant of the covenantal promises and what's promised and pledged in the what's promised and pledged in the what's promised and pledged in the covenant. Um, that's why the the words covenant. Um, that's why the the words covenant. Um, that's why the the words we speak in the ceremony matter because we speak in the ceremony matter because we speak in the ceremony matter because that's one of the things that we would that's one of the things that we would that's one of the things that we would then be looking at. Wendy, what about then be looking at. Wendy, what about then be looking at. Wendy, what about you? you? you? >> Yeah, and I I think for sure um, safety >> Yeah, and I I think for sure um, safety >> Yeah, and I I think for sure um, safety issues for you or your children are issues for you or your children are issues for you or your children are really really important. I was fortunate really really important. I was fortunate really really important. I was fortunate in Washington state to have the in Washington state to have the in Washington state to have the opportunity for legal separation, and opportunity for legal separation, and opportunity for legal separation, and not every state offers that, but that not every state offers that, but that not every state offers that, but that was really good and um a helpful tool was really good and um a helpful tool was really good and um a helpful tool for me to remove me and my children when for me to remove me and my children when for me to remove me and my children when I felt unsafe.

I felt unsafe. I felt unsafe. Um and for a lot if your state allows Um and for a lot if your state allows Um and for a lot if your state allows that, that is a good resource to use if that, that is a good resource to use if that, that is a good resource to use if you're unsure about you're unsure about you're unsure about what to do long-term, but you have a what to do long-term, but you have a what to do long-term, but you have a short-term immediate need that there are short-term immediate need that there are short-term immediate need that there are some options. some options. some options. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. Well, I would love to know just as you Well, I would love to know just as you Well, I would love to know just as you were going through a time that was were going through a time that was were going through a time that was obviously incredibly painful and brutal, obviously incredibly painful and brutal, obviously incredibly painful and brutal, what what promises, what scriptures, what what promises, what scriptures, what what promises, what scriptures, where did the Lord in his word meet you where did the Lord in his word meet you where did the Lord in his word meet you in this that you could just like in this that you could just like in this that you could just like lifelines from the Lord to cling to? lifelines from the Lord to cling to? lifelines from the Lord to cling to? >> I have one um >> I have one um >> I have one um that I ended up getting The Lord brought that I ended up getting The Lord brought that I ended up getting The Lord brought it in my reading early on, and I ended it in my reading early on, and I ended it in my reading early on, and I ended up making it into a wall hanging, and it up making it into a wall hanging, and it up making it into a wall hanging, and it was Deuteronomy 10:18, and it's just was Deuteronomy 10:18, and it's just was Deuteronomy 10:18, and it's just about God's character. And his character about God's character. And his character about God's character. And his character is that he executes justice for the is that he executes justice for the is that he executes justice for the fatherless and the widow and loves the fatherless and the widow and loves the fatherless and the widow and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. sojourner, giving him food and clothing. sojourner, giving him food and clothing. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And I that was the promise I needed >> And I that was the promise I needed >> And I that was the promise I needed because I really in many ways did feel because I really in many ways did feel because I really in many ways did feel like a widow even if I didn't like a widow even if I didn't like a widow even if I didn't technically, you know, meet that technically, you know, meet that technically, you know, meet that description. My children were fatherless description. My children were fatherless description. My children were fatherless um for a period of time, and I was a um for a period of time, and I was a um for a period of time, and I was a sojourner. I had to pick up everything sojourner. I had to pick up everything sojourner. I had to pick up everything and move. And so just knowing that God's and move. And so just knowing that God's and move. And so just knowing that God's character character character loved me in this situation, and you loved me in this situation, and you loved me in this situation, and you know, not just when I was a happily know, not just when I was a happily know, not just when I was a happily married or stably married woman, but as married or stably married woman, but as married or stably married woman, but as a as in this particular crisis, his a as in this particular crisis, his a as in this particular crisis, his character is to love and provide.

character is to love and provide. character is to love and provide. >> Danetha, what about you? >> Danetha, what about you? >> Danetha, what about you? >> Yeah, well, I would say I mean, there's >> Yeah, well, I would say I mean, there's >> Yeah, well, I would say I mean, there's so many scriptures, and I know Wendy so many scriptures, and I know Wendy so many scriptures, and I know Wendy would say that as well. I mean, one that would say that as well. I mean, one that would say that as well. I mean, one that really really really stuck me there two. Um stuck me there two. Um stuck me there two. Um They were a lot about one group is just They were a lot about one group is just They were a lot about one group is just that God was with me cuz I felt so that God was with me cuz I felt so that God was with me cuz I felt so abandoned. Like I felt more alone than I abandoned. Like I felt more alone than I abandoned. Like I felt more alone than I was than when I was single. I mean, I was than when I was single. I mean, I was than when I was single. I mean, I felt felt felt utterly alone. utterly alone. utterly alone. Um and I loved Isaiah 43 Um and I loved Isaiah 43 Um and I loved Isaiah 43 which says um fear not for I have which says um fear not for I have which says um fear not for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. redeemed you. I have called you by name. redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. When you pass through the You are mine. When you pass through the You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and through waters, I will be with you and through waters, I will be with you and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will When you walk through the fire, you will When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. And I felt like those not be burned. And I felt like those not be burned. And I felt like those things were happening in my life and things were happening in my life and things were happening in my life and recognizing God was with me in all of recognizing God was with me in all of recognizing God was with me in all of those things in a very tangible way. I those things in a very tangible way. I those things in a very tangible way. I felt like felt like felt like that was huge to me. that was huge to me. that was huge to me. And then this scripture that I think is And then this scripture that I think is And then this scripture that I think is often overused but is a deep truth and often overused but is a deep truth and often overused but is a deep truth and that's Romans 8:28. All things work that's Romans 8:28. All things work that's Romans 8:28. All things work together for good for those who love the together for good for those who love the together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his Lord and are called according to his Lord and are called according to his purpose.

purpose. purpose. And I thought how could this ever be And I thought how could this ever be And I thought how could this ever be good? You know, I'm sure Wendy and I good? You know, I'm sure Wendy and I good? You know, I'm sure Wendy and I would say this felt like the worst thing would say this felt like the worst thing would say this felt like the worst thing that could happen to that could happen to that could happen to a family, a Christian woman, a parent. I a family, a Christian woman, a parent. I a family, a Christian woman, a parent. I mean, it just felt horrible. And it felt mean, it just felt horrible. And it felt mean, it just felt horrible. And it felt against God whereas Courtney mentioned against God whereas Courtney mentioned against God whereas Courtney mentioned my son had died years earlier but that my son had died years earlier but that my son had died years earlier but that that didn't feel like it had sin all that didn't feel like it had sin all that didn't feel like it had sin all wrapped up in it. So, I felt like will wrapped up in it. So, I felt like will wrapped up in it. So, I felt like will will does God have a good plan for my will does God have a good plan for my will does God have a good plan for my life now? life now? life now? And so that verse with um And so that verse with um And so that verse with um was huge to me recognizing I love the was huge to me recognizing I love the was huge to me recognizing I love the Lord, God has a good plan. Lord, God has a good plan. Lord, God has a good plan. >> Well, I was going to say the other one I >> Well, I was going to say the other one I >> Well, I was going to say the other one I mentioned I would mention too is uh mentioned I would mention too is uh mentioned I would mention too is uh similar to what um Venita was talking similar to what um Venita was talking similar to what um Venita was talking about but Psalms 126 about but Psalms 126 about but Psalms 126 that talks about sowing while you're that talks about sowing while you're that talks about sowing while you're still weeping. Though we are weeping, still weeping. Though we are weeping, still weeping. Though we are weeping, Lord, help us keep sowing the seeds of Lord, help us keep sowing the seeds of Lord, help us keep sowing the seeds of your kingdom. your kingdom. your kingdom. And that was a real hope I needed And that was a real hope I needed And that was a real hope I needed because in in the middle of it you can because in in the middle of it you can because in in the middle of it you can only see the destruction. only see the destruction. only see the destruction. And it's hard to envision that there's And it's hard to envision that there's And it's hard to envision that there's any planting or cultivating or value any planting or cultivating or value any planting or cultivating or value to work for the future because to work for the future because to work for the future because everything you you you were working everything you you you were working everything you you you were working towards seems I remember I felt like I towards seems I remember I felt like I towards seems I remember I felt like I had been had been had been farming my family, cultivating, and now farming my family, cultivating, and now farming my family, cultivating, and now Satan had planted my fields with salt.

Satan had planted my fields with salt. Satan had planted my fields with salt. You know, like he had salted my field You know, like he had salted my field You know, like he had salted my field and I needed God's encouragement and and I needed God's encouragement and and I needed God's encouragement and promise, "No, there's still seed to be promise, "No, there's still seed to be promise, "No, there's still seed to be sown. And you don't have to be done sown. And you don't have to be done sown. And you don't have to be done weeping or mourning the loss weeping or mourning the loss weeping or mourning the loss in order to sow it." And Psalms 126, in order to sow it." And Psalms 126, in order to sow it." And Psalms 126, that was a real important place to that was a real important place to that was a real important place to meditate for me for a very long time.