Wisdom for Families Affected by Divorce [TGC Podcast Ep. 413]

thanks for coming you are in the panel thanks for coming you are in the panel on wisdom for families affected by on wisdom for families affected by on wisdom for families affected by divorce and so we are really thankful divorce and so we are really thankful divorce and so we are really thankful that you are here obviously hard topic that you are here obviously hard topic that you are here obviously hard topic for all of us to dive into for the next for all of us to dive into for the next for all of us to dive into for the next 45 minutes but we're so glad that you're 45 minutes but we're so glad that you're 45 minutes but we're so glad that you're here um my name is Jen Oshman and I'm here um my name is Jen Oshman and I'm here um my name is Jen Oshman and I'm going to have these ladies introduce going to have these ladies introduce going to have these ladies introduce them in just a second um but before we them in just a second um but before we them in just a second um but before we even get started what I want you to hear even get started what I want you to hear even get started what I want you to hear from the very beginning is we have been from the very beginning is we have been from the very beginning is we have been praying for you guys for the last praying for you guys for the last praying for you guys for the last several months and we know that several months and we know that several months and we know that everybody in here represents a hard St everybody in here represents a hard St everybody in here represents a hard St story you're not in this room because of story you're not in this room because of story you're not in this room because of something that was easy or something something that was easy or something something that was easy or something that you're going through now we know that you're going through now we know that you're going through now we know that each person represents a tough that each person represents a tough that each person represents a tough story and we want you more than anything story and we want you more than anything story and we want you more than anything is to leave leave any shame or self- is to leave leave any shame or self- is to leave leave any shame or self- condemnation at the door this session is condemnation at the door this session is condemnation at the door this session is not to be one that brings about either not to be one that brings about either not to be one that brings about either of those things no shame and no self- of those things no shame and no self- of those things no shame and no self- condemnation we hope that you receive condemnation we hope that you receive condemnation we hope that you receive tons of grace and truth from the Lord tons of grace and truth from the Lord tons of grace and truth from the Lord but not condemnation that's not of him but not condemnation that's not of him but not condemnation that's not of him um we also want to say that we're going um we also want to say that we're going um we also want to say that we're going to be scratching the surface just barely to be scratching the surface just barely to be scratching the surface just barely scratching the surface of all of the scratching the surface of all of the scratching the surface of all of the things we could possibly be talking things we could possibly be talking things we could possibly be talking about when it comes to families affected about when it comes to families affected about when it comes to families affected by divorce and so we want you to hear by divorce and so we want you to hear by divorce and so we want you to hear that disclaimer right from the get-go that disclaimer right from the get-go that disclaimer right from the get-go that there's so much more that we know that there's so much more that we know that there's so much more that we know needs to be said and could be said and needs to be said and could be said and needs to be said and could be said and we just can't cover it all um but we're we just can't cover it all um but we're we just can't cover it all um but we're going to we're going to attempt to try going to we're going to attempt to try going to we're going to attempt to try to give some good introductory comments to give some good introductory comments to give some good introductory comments and we hope and pray that they serve you and we hope and pray that they serve you and we hope and pray that they serve you well so I'll just start by introducing well so I'll just start by introducing well so I'll just start by introducing myself really quick and again my name is myself really quick and again my name is myself really quick and again my name is Jen Jen Jen and um I'm an author and a speaker and a

and um I'm an author and a speaker and a and um I'm an author and a speaker and a mom and I am from a family with a lot of mom and I am from a family with a lot of mom and I am from a family with a lot of divorce my husband and I um just divorce my husband and I um just divorce my husband and I um just celebrated 25 years of marriage but we celebrated 25 years of marriage but we celebrated 25 years of marriage but we both come from families where our both come from families where our both come from families where our parents were divorced many times over so parents were divorced many times over so parents were divorced many times over so I'll be sharing from that I'll be sharing from that I'll be sharing from that perspective I'm Wendy ala I'm from South perspective I'm Wendy ala I'm from South perspective I'm Wendy ala I'm from South Carolina and I'm a mom South Carolina Carolina and I'm a mom South Carolina Carolina and I'm a mom South Carolina Mom I'm a math teacher and an author and Mom I'm a math teacher and an author and Mom I'm a math teacher and an author and um my most recent job as I'm now working um my most recent job as I'm now working um my most recent job as I'm now working for the South Carolina Aquarium in a for the South Carolina Aquarium in a for the South Carolina Aquarium in a dolphin ID dolphin ID dolphin ID study like my dream I just do it very study like my dream I just do it very study like my dream I just do it very little but still my dream so little but still my dream so little but still my dream so cool and um I've been divorced since cool and um I've been divorced since cool and um I've been divorced since 2015 after about 16 years of marriage 2015 after about 16 years of marriage 2015 after about 16 years of marriage after my husband had the onset of some after my husband had the onset of some after my husband had the onset of some pretty serious mental health issues so pretty serious mental health issues so pretty serious mental health issues so um I'll be sharing some from that um I'll be sharing some from that um I'll be sharing some from that background I'm Bena Ryner I am right um background I'm Bena Ryner I am right um background I'm Bena Ryner I am right um I'm an author and a speaker as well and I'm an author and a speaker as well and I'm an author and a speaker as well and my experience was of divorce was um 15 my experience was of divorce was um 15 my experience was of divorce was um 15 years ago my husband came home and told years ago my husband came home and told years ago my husband came home and told me he was leaving for someone else and me he was leaving for someone else and me he was leaving for someone else and that just rocked my world it was super that just rocked my world it was super that just rocked my world it was super unexpected from me I had two adolescent unexpected from me I had two adolescent unexpected from me I had two adolescent daughters um who really just that rocked daughters um who really just that rocked daughters um who really just that rocked their world as well as mine we were their world as well as mine we were their world as well as mine we were really involved in the church and so really involved in the church and so really involved in the church and so there was just a whole lot of Fallout there was just a whole lot of Fallout there was just a whole lot of Fallout from that for us and just a lot of just from that for us and just a lot of just from that for us and just a lot of just trying to find where is God in this trying to find where is God in this trying to find where is God in this because we felt like we had been because we felt like we had been because we felt like we had been faithful so that's my story and then um

faithful so that's my story and then um faithful so that's my story and then um six years after I did get divorced I um six years after I did get divorced I um six years after I did get divorced I um met a wonderful guy Joel and met a wonderful guy Joel and met a wonderful guy Joel and remarried my name is Blair Lyn I am a remarried my name is Blair Lyn I am a remarried my name is Blair Lyn I am a Bible teacher and author a spoken word Bible teacher and author a spoken word Bible teacher and author a spoken word artist and I am approaching this artist and I am approaching this artist and I am approaching this conversation maybe a little bit conversation maybe a little bit conversation maybe a little bit differently because I am the product of differently because I am the product of differently because I am the product of a single parent home my dad never lived a single parent home my dad never lived a single parent home my dad never lived in our home and so I'm speaking for the in our home and so I'm speaking for the in our home and so I'm speaking for the fatherless child um my parents were fatherless child um my parents were fatherless child um my parents were never divorced uh because they never got never divorced uh because they never got never divorced uh because they never got married um and yet I know that there are married um and yet I know that there are married um and yet I know that there are a lot of people out there who I think a lot of people out there who I think a lot of people out there who I think some of the implications are the same some of the implications are the same some of the implications are the same you know experiencing that Brokenness you know experiencing that Brokenness you know experiencing that Brokenness and so that's why I'm here great thanks and so that's why I'm here great thanks and so that's why I'm here great thanks you guys there is a lot of wisdom these you guys there is a lot of wisdom these you guys there is a lot of wisdom these three ladies are bringing a lot to the three ladies are bringing a lot to the three ladies are bringing a lot to the table so I'm really grateful that you table so I'm really grateful that you table so I'm really grateful that you guys are able to offer your perspective guys are able to offer your perspective guys are able to offer your perspective um okay the first thing we want to do is um okay the first thing we want to do is um okay the first thing we want to do is just kind of lay a theological just kind of lay a theological just kind of lay a theological Foundation um we want to there's so much Foundation um we want to there's so much Foundation um we want to there's so much that we want to offer in terms of that we want to offer in terms of that we want to offer in terms of practice IC wisdom advice and practice IC wisdom advice and practice IC wisdom advice and encouragement but before we get there we encouragement but before we get there we encouragement but before we get there we thought it would be beneficial to lay thought it would be beneficial to lay thought it would be beneficial to lay that theological framework and really that theological framework and really that theological framework and really ask the question What is marriage why do ask the question What is marriage why do ask the question What is marriage why do we get married What is marriage in the we get married What is marriage in the we get married What is marriage in the first place so Blair kick us off with first place so Blair kick us off with first place so Blair kick us off with that yeah so you know marriage is that yeah so you know marriage is that yeah so you know marriage is something that's been instituted by God something that's been instituted by God something that's been instituted by God and it's good it's a good thing you know and it's good it's a good thing you know and it's good it's a good thing you know scripture says that marriage should be scripture says that marriage should be scripture says that marriage should be honored by all um it's a union between honored by all um it's a union between honored by all um it's a union between one man and one woman uh that's one man and one woman uh that's one man and one woman uh that's voluntarily done before God and unless voluntarily done before God and unless voluntarily done before God and unless you're Adam and Eve before other people

you're Adam and Eve before other people you're Adam and Eve before other people right um we we're making this Covenant right um we we're making this Covenant right um we we're making this Covenant to show our Unity um so there's a Unity to show our Unity um so there's a Unity to show our Unity um so there's a Unity as far as the work that God has given as far as the work that God has given as far as the work that God has given you to do as a couple there's a Unity as you to do as a couple there's a Unity as you to do as a couple there's a Unity as far as an emotional Unity for far as an emotional Unity for far as an emotional Unity for companionship and friendship there's an companionship and friendship there's an companionship and friendship there's an an intimacy a physical Union Unity um as an intimacy a physical Union Unity um as an intimacy a physical Union Unity um as two people a man and a woman come two people a man and a woman come two people a man and a woman come together and most of the are able to together and most of the are able to together and most of the are able to Bear children or to be fruitful and Bear children or to be fruitful and Bear children or to be fruitful and multiply um Christians we believe that multiply um Christians we believe that multiply um Christians we believe that that partnership it lasts until death that partnership it lasts until death that partnership it lasts until death right so even though it's temporary right so even though it's temporary right so even though it's temporary because it's only on Earth uh it lasts because it's only on Earth uh it lasts because it's only on Earth uh it lasts all the way until death and it is a all the way until death and it is a all the way until death and it is a reflection of Christ and his reflection of Christ and his reflection of Christ and his relationship with the church so it's to relationship with the church so it's to relationship with the church so it's to be a picture a pointer to what Christ be a picture a pointer to what Christ be a picture a pointer to what Christ has done um and his love for the church has done um and his love for the church has done um and his love for the church yeah so okay Blair really quick you just yeah so okay Blair really quick you just yeah so okay Blair really quick you just said only for this lifetime only for said only for this lifetime only for said only for this lifetime only for this lifetime are we going to be married this lifetime are we going to be married this lifetime are we going to be married in heaven we will not be married in in heaven we will not be married in in heaven we will not be married in heaven we we are the bride of Christ if heaven we we are the bride of Christ if heaven we we are the bride of Christ if we want to go there so Jesus our we want to go there so Jesus our we want to go there so Jesus our bridegroom that's who we're going to be bridegroom that's who we're going to be bridegroom that's who we're going to be showing our Unity um to for the rest of showing our Unity um to for the rest of showing our Unity um to for the rest of our lives in eternity yeah thank you our lives in eternity yeah thank you our lives in eternity yeah thank you thank you for that definition I think thank you for that definition I think thank you for that definition I think you know even the Apostle Paul says it's you know even the Apostle Paul says it's you know even the Apostle Paul says it's a mega mystery um that that marriage is a mega mystery um that that marriage is a mega mystery um that that marriage is supposed to reflect Christ and the supposed to reflect Christ and the supposed to reflect Christ and the church and so we do approach it with church and so we do approach it with church and so we do approach it with this level of mysteriousness and not this level of mysteriousness and not this level of mysteriousness and not totally understanding um the depth and totally understanding um the depth and totally understanding um the depth and breadth and and importance and magnitude

breadth and and importance and magnitude breadth and and importance and magnitude of marriage but I appreciate that of marriage but I appreciate that of marriage but I appreciate that theological framework Wendy since we are theological framework Wendy since we are theological framework Wendy since we are here talking about here talking about here talking about divorce could you give us just a an divorce could you give us just a an divorce could you give us just a an introduction I know that so much more introduction I know that so much more introduction I know that so much more could be said but what are maybe the could be said but what are maybe the could be said but what are maybe the biblical reasons or the biblical grounds biblical reasons or the biblical grounds biblical reasons or the biblical grounds for divorce why would a marriage end for divorce why would a marriage end for divorce why would a marriage end right um it's interesting that scripture right um it's interesting that scripture right um it's interesting that scripture really only addresses grounds for really only addresses grounds for really only addresses grounds for divorce or or separation in two explicit divorce or or separation in two explicit divorce or or separation in two explicit passages so Matthew passages so Matthew passages so Matthew 19 um and there the context is that 19 um and there the context is that 19 um and there the context is that Jesus is talking with Pharisees and he's Jesus is talking with Pharisees and he's Jesus is talking with Pharisees and he's confronting them over their Hardness of confronting them over their Hardness of confronting them over their Hardness of Heart over divorce so this context and I Heart over divorce so this context and I Heart over divorce so this context and I think the context is really important is think the context is really important is think the context is really important is that they want to an easy divorce they that they want to an easy divorce they that they want to an easy divorce they want to their hearts are hardened to want to their hearts are hardened to want to their hearts are hardened to what the Covenant vow of marriage was what the Covenant vow of marriage was what the Covenant vow of marriage was supposed to mean and so they're putting supposed to mean and so they're putting supposed to mean and so they're putting away wives and and Jesus confronts them away wives and and Jesus confronts them away wives and and Jesus confronts them and says that's your hardness of your and says that's your hardness of your and says that's your hardness of your heart but he but he says except for heart but he but he says except for heart but he but he says except for grounds of sexual immorality or grounds of sexual immorality or grounds of sexual immorality or adultery and you know the point there is adultery and you know the point there is adultery and you know the point there is that the Covenant has already been brok that the Covenant has already been brok that the Covenant has already been brok broken um through adultery or sexual broken um through adultery or sexual broken um through adultery or sexual immorality and then the other explicit immorality and then the other explicit immorality and then the other explicit mention of separation is in 1 mention of separation is in 1 mention of separation is in 1 Corinthians 7 and it doesn't really Corinthians 7 and it doesn't really Corinthians 7 and it doesn't really mention grounds as much as purpose and mention grounds as much as purpose and mention grounds as much as purpose and the purpose would be because you really the purpose would be because you really the purpose would be because you really ultimately want to reconcile but I

ultimately want to reconcile but I ultimately want to reconcile but I really found um at the hardest parts for really found um at the hardest parts for really found um at the hardest parts for me that the First Corinthians 7 passage me that the First Corinthians 7 passage me that the First Corinthians 7 passage was really helpful um and and in my was really helpful um and and in my was really helpful um and and in my situation I want I didn't want a divorce situation I want I didn't want a divorce situation I want I didn't want a divorce but I was in a position where it was not but I was in a position where it was not but I was in a position where it was not good or healthy for me or my children good or healthy for me or my children good or healthy for me or my children but it also wasn't good or healthy for but it also wasn't good or healthy for but it also wasn't good or healthy for my husband because it it wasn't good for my husband because it it wasn't good for my husband because it it wasn't good for his soul to be sinning against us it his soul to be sinning against us it his soul to be sinning against us it wasn't good for his soul for us to be wasn't good for his soul for us to be wasn't good for his soul for us to be for me to be a verbal punching bag and for me to be a verbal punching bag and for me to be a verbal punching bag and um so that that scripture around um so that that scripture around um so that that scripture around separation was really helpful to me to separation was really helpful to me to separation was really helpful to me to give me an opportunity and a and a path give me an opportunity and a and a path give me an opportunity and a and a path to put myself and my children in a safe to put myself and my children in a safe to put myself and my children in a safe place but then place but then place but then also you know some of us have also you know some of us have also you know some of us have contributed to a divorce and we may not contributed to a divorce and we may not contributed to a divorce and we may not have had biblical grounds for what we have had biblical grounds for what we have had biblical grounds for what we did and did and did and in the Old Testament in Deuteronomy 22 in the Old Testament in Deuteronomy 22 in the Old Testament in Deuteronomy 22 that's the really strict um clear that's the really strict um clear that's the really strict um clear definitions of um the marriage covenant definitions of um the marriage covenant definitions of um the marriage covenant and the repercussions of adultery and um and the repercussions of adultery and um and the repercussions of adultery and um it's interesting that in John 8 it's it's interesting that in John 8 it's it's interesting that in John 8 it's like one of my favorite scenes in like one of my favorite scenes in like one of my favorite scenes in scripture in John 8 where this woman is scripture in John 8 where this woman is scripture in John 8 where this woman is caught thrown at Jesus's feet because caught thrown at Jesus's feet because caught thrown at Jesus's feet because she has been caught in she has been caught in she has been caught in violation of um Deuteronomy 22 and so violation of um Deuteronomy 22 and so violation of um Deuteronomy 22 and so she she they condemn her she's she's she she they condemn her she's she's she she they condemn her she's she's pushed to Jesus's feet with great pushed to Jesus's feet with great pushed to Jesus's feet with great condemnation but Jesus does two things

condemnation but Jesus does two things condemnation but Jesus does two things he writes something in the sand and I he writes something in the sand and I he writes something in the sand and I don't know but sometimes I wonder if don't know but sometimes I wonder if don't know but sometimes I wonder if it's like the names of other people that it's like the names of other people that it's like the names of other people that the Pharisees had sinned against maybe the Pharisees had sinned against maybe the Pharisees had sinned against maybe like well what about blah blah blah and like well what about blah blah blah and like well what about blah blah blah and what about blah blah blah I want to ask what about blah blah blah I want to ask what about blah blah blah I want to ask Jesus when I get there but also his Jesus when I get there but also his Jesus when I get there but also his language to her is neither do I condemn language to her is neither do I condemn language to her is neither do I condemn you I don't condemn you but go and sin you I don't condemn you but go and sin you I don't condemn you but go and sin no more go and sin no more so there's no more go and sin no more so there's no more go and sin no more so there's great grace at the feet of Jesus um for great grace at the feet of Jesus um for great grace at the feet of Jesus um for those of us who maybe feel like we those of us who maybe feel like we those of us who maybe feel like we didn't have grounds for divorce but here didn't have grounds for divorce but here didn't have grounds for divorce but here we are um and so that's just the brief s we are um and so that's just the brief s we are um and so that's just the brief s summary there yeah it's so hard because summary there yeah it's so hard because summary there yeah it's so hard because Wendy what would you say I mean Wendy what would you say I mean Wendy what would you say I mean obviously the scriptures are limited we obviously the scriptures are limited we obviously the scriptures are limited we don't have this list this exhaustive don't have this list this exhaustive don't have this list this exhaustive list of of why a marriage should or list of of why a marriage should or list of of why a marriage should or could end so how would somebody in the could end so how would somebody in the could end so how would somebody in the room pursue understanding their specific room pursue understanding their specific room pursue understanding their specific marriage and if divorce should be an marriage and if divorce should be an marriage and if divorce should be an option for them how do you do that well option for them how do you do that well option for them how do you do that well I I would say do it in I I would say do it in I I would say do it in community do it in community and for me community do it in community and for me community do it in community and for me it was very helpful to me to have my it was very helpful to me to have my it was very helpful to me to have my elders and my pastor um speak into my elders and my pastor um speak into my elders and my pastor um speak into my life at that point because I didn't have life at that point because I didn't have life at that point because I didn't have full clarity I could not full clarity I could not full clarity I could not see um as clearly as they could see what see um as clearly as they could see what see um as clearly as they could see what was happening to me so that's the first was happening to me so that's the first was happening to me so that's the first step community and then don't be afraid step community and then don't be afraid step community and then don't be afraid of the word you know uh you can be of the word you know uh you can be of the word you know uh you can be afraid of the word maybe God is going to afraid of the word maybe God is going to afraid of the word maybe God is going to give you permission to do something you give you permission to do something you give you permission to do something you don't particularly want to do or maybe

don't particularly want to do or maybe don't particularly want to do or maybe he's going to restrict you from he's going to restrict you from he's going to restrict you from something that you really do want to do something that you really do want to do something that you really do want to do but you can trust God and you can trust but you can trust God and you can trust but you can trust God and you can trust the scripture so go to him boldly go to the scripture so go to him boldly go to the scripture so go to him boldly go to him honestly go to him in him honestly go to him in him honestly go to him in community and then receive his word as community and then receive his word as community and then receive his word as his good word and he is his good word and he is his good word and he is trustworthy I love that I think if you trustworthy I love that I think if you trustworthy I love that I think if you don't take anything else away from the don't take anything else away from the don't take anything else away from the session um don't be afraid of God's word session um don't be afraid of God's word session um don't be afraid of God's word would be a good good thing to write would be a good good thing to write would be a good good thing to write write down um Blair when we were praying write down um Blair when we were praying write down um Blair when we were praying about what to talk about and what to about what to talk about and what to about what to talk about and what to share the terrible topic of abuse came share the terrible topic of abuse came share the terrible topic of abuse came up and we know we need we need to touch up and we know we need we need to touch up and we know we need we need to touch on that would you do that for us now on that would you do that for us now on that would you do that for us now yeah you know when we think about you yeah you know when we think about you yeah you know when we think about you know the biblical grounds for divorce we know the biblical grounds for divorce we know the biblical grounds for divorce we think about as you mention adultery and think about as you mention adultery and think about as you mention adultery and we think about abandonment that's we think about abandonment that's we think about abandonment that's mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7 but often mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7 but often mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7 but often people don't know what to do with abuse people don't know what to do with abuse people don't know what to do with abuse you know there's no explicit text you you know there's no explicit text you you know there's no explicit text you know that speaks and says this is a know that speaks and says this is a know that speaks and says this is a grounds for divorce so so what do you do grounds for divorce so so what do you do grounds for divorce so so what do you do um one of the things that I would say is um one of the things that I would say is um one of the things that I would say is I think we need to again go back to what I think we need to again go back to what I think we need to again go back to what is the definition of marriage right what is the definition of marriage right what is the definition of marriage right what is God's design for marriage one of the is God's design for marriage one of the is God's design for marriage one of the beautiful things when we look at beautiful things when we look at beautiful things when we look at Ephesians 5 for example we see um you Ephesians 5 for example we see um you Ephesians 5 for example we see um you know this call for husbands to love know this call for husbands to love know this call for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church their wives as Christ loved the church their wives as Christ loved the church church right we know that Christ would church right we know that Christ would church right we know that Christ would never abuse or misuse right his church never abuse or misuse right his church never abuse or misuse right his church um there's a text also um I believe it's

um there's a text also um I believe it's um there's a text also um I believe it's in First Peter which talks about living in First Peter which talks about living in First Peter which talks about living with your wife in an understanding way with your wife in an understanding way with your wife in an understanding way right showing honor to the woman as the right showing honor to the woman as the right showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel because you are co-s in weaker vessel because you are co-s in weaker vessel because you are co-s in the grace of life so that your prayers the grace of life so that your prayers the grace of life so that your prayers will not be hindered and I just think will not be hindered and I just think will not be hindered and I just think that that's so interesting that you know that that's so interesting that you know that that's so interesting that you know the scripture values all people right the scripture values all people right the scripture values all people right the scripture values women and values the scripture values women and values the scripture values women and values wives and says that wives are worth wives and says that wives are worth wives and says that wives are worth protecting that if you don't honor this protecting that if you don't honor this protecting that if you don't honor this woman made in my image your prayers are woman made in my image your prayers are woman made in my image your prayers are going to be hindered right and so going to be hindered right and so going to be hindered right and so speaking out standing against abuse is a speaking out standing against abuse is a speaking out standing against abuse is a good thing it's a moral thing um it's good thing it's a moral thing um it's good thing it's a moral thing um it's not something that we should shy away not something that we should shy away not something that we should shy away from because that's not God's design for from because that's not God's design for from because that's not God's design for anyone here and so I think even the anyone here and so I think even the anyone here and so I think even the option that you gave as far as option that you gave as far as option that you gave as far as separation separation separation you know it's really important as you do you know it's really important as you do you know it's really important as you do it in community as you walking with it in community as you walking with it in community as you walking with other people Lord willing who are wise other people Lord willing who are wise other people Lord willing who are wise and who can help you um you know to keep and who can help you um you know to keep and who can help you um you know to keep that option open and and what do you do that option open and and what do you do that option open and and what do you do if you're in the situation one of the if you're in the situation one of the if you're in the situation one of the things I want to say is you want to call things I want to say is you want to call things I want to say is you want to call 911 you would like you you need to 911 you would like you you need to 911 you would like you you need to report the abuse so abuse is against the report the abuse so abuse is against the report the abuse so abuse is against the law you want to report that abuse two law you want to report that abuse two law you want to report that abuse two you want to reach out to your pastors or you want to reach out to your pastors or you want to reach out to your pastors or your elders and let them know after you your elders and let them know after you your elders and let them know after you have reported it to the police um and have reported it to the police um and have reported it to the police um and then you want to remove yourself you then you want to remove yourself you then you want to remove yourself you know as you mentioned you want to be know as you mentioned you want to be know as you mentioned you want to be safe God doesn't just want us to be

safe God doesn't just want us to be safe God doesn't just want us to be saved he wants us to be safe right and saved he wants us to be safe right and saved he wants us to be safe right and and then also you want to if for any and then also you want to if for any and then also you want to if for any reason let's say there is spiritual reason let's say there is spiritual reason let's say there is spiritual abuse happening in your church and you abuse happening in your church and you abuse happening in your church and you can't reach out to those Elders or you can't reach out to those Elders or you can't reach out to those Elders or you have concerns about reaching out to have concerns about reaching out to have concerns about reaching out to those Elders I would encourage you to those Elders I would encourage you to those Elders I would encourage you to reach out to about five people outside reach out to about five people outside reach out to about five people outside of your local church are wise Godly and of your local church are wise Godly and of your local church are wise Godly and objective who can help you so that you objective who can help you so that you objective who can help you so that you are are are safe um and then also to pray that your safe um and then also to pray that your safe um and then also to pray that your spouse would repent right that they spouse would repent right that they spouse would repent right that they would come to know God um if they don't would come to know God um if they don't would come to know God um if they don't know the Lord or if they do that they know the Lord or if they do that they know the Lord or if they do that they would be convicted and that they would would be convicted and that they would would be convicted and that they would repent from their sin and from sinning repent from their sin and from sinning repent from their sin and from sinning against you um and you Lord willing can against you um and you Lord willing can against you um and you Lord willing can be reconciled right divorce is not the be reconciled right divorce is not the be reconciled right divorce is not the always the option it's not the only always the option it's not the only always the option it's not the only option um but one of the things I'll say option um but one of the things I'll say option um but one of the things I'll say if they do not if church discipline is if they do not if church discipline is if they do not if church discipline is activated and they do not I do think it activated and they do not I do think it activated and they do not I do think it falls into that category of an falls into that category of an falls into that category of an unbeliever who has abandoned uh the unbeliever who has abandoned uh the unbeliever who has abandoned uh the family um and so yeah so those are just family um and so yeah so those are just family um and so yeah so those are just a few things I don't know if you guys a few things I don't know if you guys a few things I don't know if you guys have other thoughts but no I think have other thoughts but no I think have other thoughts but no I think that's really helpful Blair um I think that's really helpful Blair um I think that's really helpful Blair um I think what we've heard multiple times already what we've heard multiple times already what we've heard multiple times already is this has got to be done in community is this has got to be done in community is this has got to be done in community don't be afraid of the word and also run don't be afraid of the word and also run don't be afraid of the word and also run towards your brothers and sisters in the towards your brothers and sisters in the towards your brothers and sisters in the faith who can help help you um but I faith who can help help you um but I faith who can help help you um but I appreciate you acknowledging that appreciate you acknowledging that appreciate you acknowledging that sometimes abuse is present in the church sometimes abuse is present in the church sometimes abuse is present in the church as well and not it's not a given that as well and not it's not a given that as well and not it's not a given that every church is safe for this every church is safe for this every church is safe for this conversation um so we do want to

conversation um so we do want to conversation um so we do want to acknowledge that and encourage you to go acknowledge that and encourage you to go acknowledge that and encourage you to go to other believers if that's your to other believers if that's your to other believers if that's your situation um but yeah thank you for your situation um but yeah thank you for your situation um but yeah thank you for your hearts and all of that um okay well hearts and all of that um okay well hearts and all of that um okay well let's turn the corner now obviously we let's turn the corner now obviously we let's turn the corner now obviously we could have said so much more please um could have said so much more please um could have said so much more please um you know I'm going to mention some you know I'm going to mention some you know I'm going to mention some resources at the end of this that you resources at the end of this that you resources at the end of this that you can dive into for more information um can dive into for more information um can dive into for more information um but let's turn a little bit and move but let's turn a little bit and move but let's turn a little bit and move from our theological framework and I from our theological framework and I from our theological framework and I just want to ask you guys to offer some just want to ask you guys to offer some just want to ask you guys to offer some encouragement or some advice for some encouragement or some advice for some encouragement or some advice for some woman in here who may be considering woman in here who may be considering woman in here who may be considering divorce Vena let's start off with you divorce Vena let's start off with you divorce Vena let's start off with you yeah so um probably my um advice is also yeah so um probably my um advice is also yeah so um probably my um advice is also for somebody who is divorced so just um for somebody who is divorced so just um for somebody who is divorced so just um but I would say your identity is not in but I would say your identity is not in but I would say your identity is not in your marital status I really felt that your marital status I really felt that your marital status I really felt that it was for a long time I was a wife and it was for a long time I was a wife and it was for a long time I was a wife and a mom and that's what I did and so a mom and that's what I did and so a mom and that's what I did and so recognizing our identity is in Christ recognizing our identity is in Christ recognizing our identity is in Christ and that really really changed things and that really really changed things and that really really changed things for me when I recognized that and that for me when I recognized that and that for me when I recognized that and that you you do belong in the church whereas you you do belong in the church whereas you you do belong in the church whereas I feel like often there is a sense of I feel like often there is a sense of I feel like often there is a sense of Shame when you're divorced in the church Shame when you're divorced in the church Shame when you're divorced in the church you just feel like especially for me I you just feel like especially for me I you just feel like especially for me I had been really active in the church my had been really active in the church my had been really active in the church my husband had been active I was teaching husband had been active I was teaching husband had been active I was teaching Bible study so there was just a lot of Bible study so there was just a lot of Bible study so there was just a lot of shame that all of a sudden our family shame that all of a sudden our family shame that all of a sudden our family didn't look like it once did and so I didn't look like it once did and so I didn't look like it once did and so I would just encourage people here to not would just encourage people here to not would just encourage people here to not shy away and to recognize that you have shy away and to recognize that you have shy away and to recognize that you have so much to offer um I feel like when we so much to offer um I feel like when we so much to offer um I feel like when we see perfect families worshiping in see perfect families worshiping in see perfect families worshiping in church we want their life but when we

church we want their life but when we church we want their life but when we see broken families uh trusting the Lord see broken families uh trusting the Lord see broken families uh trusting the Lord we want their God so I think you have an we want their God so I think you have an we want their God so I think you have an opportunity to witness that's really opportunity to witness that's really opportunity to witness that's really pretty unprecedented sometimes in the pretty unprecedented sometimes in the pretty unprecedented sometimes in the church when people see you trusting the church when people see you trusting the church when people see you trusting the Lord because that's what it's all about Lord because that's what it's all about Lord because that's what it's all about it's not all about having these perfect it's not all about having these perfect it's not all about having these perfect family but sometimes it looks like that family but sometimes it looks like that family but sometimes it looks like that in church like we're all dressed up we in church like we're all dressed up we in church like we're all dressed up we all look good we all say the right stuff all look good we all say the right stuff all look good we all say the right stuff and so I think this way we're so much and so I think this way we're so much and so I think this way we're so much more real because you can't just act more real because you can't just act more real because you can't just act like everything's fine when you've been like everything's fine when you've been like everything's fine when you've been through a divorce and you can really through a divorce and you can really through a divorce and you can really talk about hard things so I would talk about hard things so I would talk about hard things so I would encourage people to embrace this as an encourage people to embrace this as an encourage people to embrace this as an opportunity to be real to get other opportunity to be real to get other opportunity to be real to get other people to really be real about their own people to really be real about their own people to really be real about their own pain so that's one thing I just have a pain so that's one thing I just have a pain so that's one thing I just have a couple and then i' love to oh do you couple and then i' love to oh do you couple and then i' love to oh do you want to talk about want to talk about want to talk about actually I will at some point well okay actually I will at some point well okay actually I will at some point well okay go go go ahead well I just wanted to say that I'm ahead well I just wanted to say that I'm ahead well I just wanted to say that I'm going to write that down what you said going to write that down what you said going to write that down what you said because that was a really really because that was a really really because that was a really really powerful statement but I um really powerful statement but I um really powerful statement but I um really struggled um for myself even taking off struggled um for myself even taking off struggled um for myself even taking off my wedding band like I could feel I had my wedding band like I could feel I had my wedding band like I could feel I had worn it straight for 16 years and so I worn it straight for 16 years and so I worn it straight for 16 years and so I had another I transferred my had another I transferred my had another I transferred my grandmother's wedding band to that ring grandmother's wedding band to that ring grandmother's wedding band to that ring for probably another year or two until for probably another year or two until for probably another year or two until finally I got to the the place where I finally I got to the the place where I finally I got to the the place where I didn't need a a ring on it but um didn't need a a ring on it but um didn't need a a ring on it but um there's a there's going to be a path I there's a there's going to be a path I there's a there's going to be a path I always appreciated Tim Keller's Walking always appreciated Tim Keller's Walking always appreciated Tim Keller's Walking with God through pain and suffering with God through pain and suffering with God through pain and suffering because it's youve got to walk through because it's youve got to walk through because it's youve got to walk through it there's no around it okay you're

it there's no around it okay you're it there's no around it okay you're going to have to walk through it and our going to have to walk through it and our going to have to walk through it and our companion in that is the laments of companion in that is the laments of companion in that is the laments of scripture I found for myself I didn't scripture I found for myself I didn't scripture I found for myself I didn't have my own words I didn't know how to have my own words I didn't know how to have my own words I didn't know how to articulate what I was feeling um and I articulate what I was feeling um and I articulate what I was feeling um and I and a lot of people would want to talk and a lot of people would want to talk and a lot of people would want to talk you out of the pain try to make the you out of the pain try to make the you out of the pain try to make the relieve the pain some people are relieve the pain some people are relieve the pain some people are threatened by your pain but scripture is threatened by your pain but scripture is threatened by your pain but scripture is not threatened by your pain and neither not threatened by your pain and neither not threatened by your pain and neither is God and so there are some really is God and so there are some really is God and so there are some really great language in the Book of Job great language in the Book of Job great language in the Book of Job there's great language in the Psalms of there's great language in the Psalms of there's great language in the Psalms of lament um that I found gave me language lament um that I found gave me language lament um that I found gave me language when I was without language all I could when I was without language all I could when I was without language all I could do was cry or Gran but I wanted to go to do was cry or Gran but I wanted to go to do was cry or Gran but I wanted to go to God but he hasn't left us as an orphan God but he hasn't left us as an orphan God but he hasn't left us as an orphan that there is this language in Scripture that there is this language in Scripture that there is this language in Scripture that that equips us to verbalize to God that that equips us to verbalize to God that that equips us to verbalize to God why this is so wrong why it feels so raw why this is so wrong why it feels so raw why this is so wrong why it feels so raw what do I do with this be betrayal I what do I do with this be betrayal I what do I do with this be betrayal I don't even want to go on I cannot even don't even want to go on I cannot even don't even want to go on I cannot even Envision what this next stage of life is Envision what this next stage of life is Envision what this next stage of life is going to look like because everything I going to look like because everything I going to look like because everything I thought I was investing in is gone God thought I was investing in is gone God thought I was investing in is gone God meets Us in that in scripture and gives meets Us in that in scripture and gives meets Us in that in scripture and gives us language to bring to him oh yeah yeah us language to bring to him oh yeah yeah us language to bring to him oh yeah yeah I would say um yeah this the biggest I would say um yeah this the biggest I would say um yeah this the biggest thing that pulled me through like a lot thing that pulled me through like a lot thing that pulled me through like a lot of depression was just scripture too I of depression was just scripture too I of depression was just scripture too I remember being kind of pulled away from remember being kind of pulled away from remember being kind of pulled away from it at first there was the sense that do it at first there was the sense that do it at first there was the sense that do I want to draw near to this God who just I want to draw near to this God who just I want to draw near to this God who just let the unthinkable happen and yet I

let the unthinkable happen and yet I let the unthinkable happen and yet I remember just screaming at God at my bed remember just screaming at God at my bed remember just screaming at God at my bed at night like why do you hate me and at night like why do you hate me and at night like why do you hate me and then getting up in the morning and then getting up in the morning and then getting up in the morning and saying okay there's no other place I saying okay there's no other place I saying okay there's no other place I have to go though so opening up have to go though so opening up have to go though so opening up scripture and just I mean one of my scripture and just I mean one of my scripture and just I mean one of my favorite passages um was Psalm 119 which favorite passages um was Psalm 119 which favorite passages um was Psalm 119 which is weird because I didn't like it before is weird because I didn't like it before is weird because I didn't like it before but it just um because it was just all but it just um because it was just all but it just um because it was just all it felt very mononymous it's not like I it felt very mononymous it's not like I it felt very mononymous it's not like I didn't like scripture but it just felt didn't like scripture but it just felt didn't like scripture but it just felt like I said the same thing over and over like I said the same thing over and over like I said the same thing over and over but I remember reading Psalm 11 1925 and but I remember reading Psalm 11 1925 and but I remember reading Psalm 11 1925 and it said my soul clings to the dust it said my soul clings to the dust it said my soul clings to the dust revive me according to your word and I revive me according to your word and I revive me according to your word and I said that every single morning like said that every single morning like said that every single morning like revive me according to your word and revive me according to your word and revive me according to your word and just looking at the lament Psalms and just looking at the lament Psalms and just looking at the lament Psalms and the rest of scripture just found God the rest of scripture just found God the rest of scripture just found God revived me through the word in ways that revived me through the word in ways that revived me through the word in ways that I really hadn't known before because I I really hadn't known before because I I really hadn't known before because I didn't need God that much I needed God a didn't need God that much I needed God a didn't need God that much I needed God a lot but after my divorce I had nothing lot but after my divorce I had nothing lot but after my divorce I had nothing but God and that's when I but God and that's when I but God and that's when I learned the beauty of scripture and that learned the beauty of scripture and that learned the beauty of scripture and that God was absolutely God was absolutely God was absolutely enough um Vena can you say again for us enough um Vena can you say again for us enough um Vena can you say again for us the line that you said about identity the line that you said about identity the line that you said about identity because I think it echoes what you just because I think it echoes what you just because I think it echoes what you just said when we see perfect families so oh said when we see perfect families so oh said when we see perfect families so oh yeah um when we see perfect families yeah um when we see perfect families yeah um when we see perfect families worshiping in church we want their lives worshiping in church we want their lives worshiping in church we want their lives yeah but when we see broken yeah but when we see broken yeah but when we see broken families uh broken families trusting God families uh broken families trusting God families uh broken families trusting God we want their God yeah I mean what you

we want their God yeah I mean what you we want their God yeah I mean what you just shared what you both just shared just shared what you both just shared just shared what you both just shared made me want your God you know I see made me want your God you know I see made me want your God you know I see you're you're clinging to Christ you're you're you're clinging to Christ you're you're you're clinging to Christ you're clinging to scripture and that that clinging to scripture and that that clinging to scripture and that that draws me to him um Vena I know you had a draws me to him um Vena I know you had a draws me to him um Vena I know you had a couple other pieces of encouragement couple other pieces of encouragement couple other pieces of encouragement that you maybe wanted to share you you that you maybe wanted to share you you that you maybe wanted to share you you started with identity identity is not in started with identity identity is not in started with identity identity is not in being married scripture and then the being married scripture and then the being married scripture and then the last thing that I'd actually love to last thing that I'd actually love to last thing that I'd actually love to talk about with Wendy as well but it's talk about with Wendy as well but it's talk about with Wendy as well but it's the idea of bitterness because that's the idea of bitterness because that's the idea of bitterness because that's what I knew a lot of people who had been what I knew a lot of people who had been what I knew a lot of people who had been I didn't know a lot of people but the I didn't know a lot of people but the I didn't know a lot of people but the people who I knew had been divorced a people who I knew had been divorced a people who I knew had been divorced a lot of times they were really bitter and lot of times they were really bitter and lot of times they were really bitter and the first thing they wanted to tell you the first thing they wanted to tell you the first thing they wanted to tell you was everything that had happened and I was everything that had happened and I was everything that had happened and I just didn't want it to be written all just didn't want it to be written all just didn't want it to be written all over my face so that was my motivation over my face so that was my motivation over my face so that was my motivation at first was just don't let me be bitter at first was just don't let me be bitter at first was just don't let me be bitter I just don't want this to be all I just don't want this to be all I just don't want this to be all that defines me and I recognize that that defines me and I recognize that that defines me and I recognize that that really drew me to God but also just that really drew me to God but also just that really drew me to God but also just healed me it sounds like often that it's healed me it sounds like often that it's healed me it sounds like often that it's well I can be bitter I have the right to well I can be bitter I have the right to well I can be bitter I have the right to be bitter I was hurt but I feel like be bitter I was hurt but I feel like be bitter I was hurt but I feel like letting go of bitterness was one of the letting go of bitterness was one of the letting go of bitterness was one of the greatest things that God allowed me to greatest things that God allowed me to greatest things that God allowed me to do so I would just encourage people to do so I would just encourage people to do so I would just encourage people to just ask God to help you do that you just ask God to help you do that you just ask God to help you do that you can't do it yourself we can't do any of can't do it yourself we can't do any of can't do it yourself we can't do any of this ourselves it's really this draing this ourselves it's really this draing this ourselves it's really this draing ourself on Jesus and saying help me not ourself on Jesus and saying help me not ourself on Jesus and saying help me not be bitter and show me how to do it and be bitter and show me how to do it and be bitter and show me how to do it and Wendy you've written you know a lot Wendy you've written you know a lot Wendy you've written you know a lot about forgiveness and so I'd love to about forgiveness and so I'd love to about forgiveness and so I'd love to hear yeah and I have a few copies of hear yeah and I have a few copies of hear yeah and I have a few copies of free books up here if anybody wants to free books up here if anybody wants to free books up here if anybody wants to grab one after the session but um yeah

grab one after the session but um yeah grab one after the session but um yeah one of the misconceptions about one of the misconceptions about one of the misconceptions about forgiveness is that it's it is forgiveness is that it's it is forgiveness is that it's it is reconciliation but forgiveness and reconciliation but forgiveness and reconciliation but forgiveness and Reconciliation are really really Reconciliation are really really Reconciliation are really really different different different things forgive things forgive things forgive is for you I mean like it really is is is for you I mean like it really is is is for you I mean like it really is is necessary for your soul but necessary for your soul but necessary for your soul but reconciliation only can take place if reconciliation only can take place if reconciliation only can take place if the other person acknowledges their sin the other person acknowledges their sin the other person acknowledges their sin and seeks to repair you can't be and seeks to repair you can't be and seeks to repair you can't be reconciled with someone who is still reconciled with someone who is still reconciled with someone who is still sinning against you um and so sometimes sinning against you um and so sometimes sinning against you um and so sometimes we feel pressured to forgive and we we feel pressured to forgive and we we feel pressured to forgive and we think well that's that means I need to think well that's that means I need to think well that's that means I need to pretend like what they did didn't matter pretend like what they did didn't matter pretend like what they did didn't matter or it didn't hurt me or that they're or it didn't hurt me or that they're or it didn't hurt me or that they're kind of sweep it under the carpet but we kind of sweep it under the carpet but we kind of sweep it under the carpet but we no that's not what forgiveness is at all no that's not what forgiveness is at all no that's not what forgiveness is at all and Jesus modeled it for as father and Jesus modeled it for as father and Jesus modeled it for as father forgive them for they know not what they forgive them for they know not what they forgive them for they know not what they do so you know these folks have not do so you know these folks have not do so you know these folks have not repented they have not understand stood repented they have not understand stood repented they have not understand stood their sin but you stand ready to receive their sin but you stand ready to receive their sin but you stand ready to receive them and and are you stand ready well I them and and are you stand ready well I them and and are you stand ready well I got the best definition actually of got the best definition actually of got the best definition actually of forgiveness I've found is that you let forgiveness I've found is that you let forgiveness I've found is that you let go of your right to exact Justice go of your right to exact Justice go of your right to exact Justice so so really what you're doing is you're so so really what you're doing is you're so so really what you're doing is you're allowing God to be God I am God allowing God to be God I am God allowing God to be God I am God vengeance is mine he says so I have the vengeance is mine he says so I have the vengeance is mine he says so I have the right to exact justice but I'm letting right to exact justice but I'm letting right to exact justice but I'm letting go of that right to exact Justice um go of that right to exact Justice um go of that right to exact Justice um because I believe your sins have been because I believe your sins have been because I believe your sins have been paid for on the cross now this does not

paid for on the cross now this does not paid for on the cross now this does not mean I need to accept you back in my mean I need to accept you back in my mean I need to accept you back in my home I'm not going to make a path for home I'm not going to make a path for home I'm not going to make a path for you to abuse my children I'm not going you to abuse my children I'm not going you to abuse my children I'm not going to make a path for you to abuse me but I to make a path for you to abuse me but I to make a path for you to abuse me but I am going to leave vengeance to God and am going to leave vengeance to God and am going to leave vengeance to God and I'm going to pray for your soul and and I'm going to pray for your soul and and I'm going to pray for your soul and and hope that you will be reconciled to God hope that you will be reconciled to God hope that you will be reconciled to God that is really good Wendy thank you that is really good Wendy thank you that is really good Wendy thank you Blair what about speak to this from your Blair what about speak to this from your Blair what about speak to this from your perspective um not having a father perspective um not having a father perspective um not having a father present I'm guessing bitterness and present I'm guessing bitterness and present I'm guessing bitterness and forgiveness have been themes that you've forgiveness have been themes that you've forgiveness have been themes that you've wrestled with I know they have been so wrestled with I know they have been so wrestled with I know they have been so talk to us about that yeah um it's been talk to us about that yeah um it's been talk to us about that yeah um it's been very hard um my story you know and and very hard um my story you know and and very hard um my story you know and and it's interesting because not not only it's interesting because not not only it's interesting because not not only have I experienced have I experienced have I experienced bitterness because I didn't I had a bitterness because I didn't I had a bitterness because I didn't I had a father who wasn't there but also I think father who wasn't there but also I think father who wasn't there but also I think bitterness regarding some of my mom's bitterness regarding some of my mom's bitterness regarding some of my mom's decisions as well um and then in 2019 it decisions as well um and then in 2019 it decisions as well um and then in 2019 it was revealed that the person who I was was revealed that the person who I was was revealed that the person who I was told was my dad wasn't my dad and so do told was my dad wasn't my dad and so do told was my dad wasn't my dad and so do you know what I mean it's like what's you know what I mean it's like what's you know what I mean it's like what's happening with my life Lord um and happening with my life Lord um and happening with my life Lord um and honestly what kept me in the midst of honestly what kept me in the midst of honestly what kept me in the midst of all of that change all of the emotional all of that change all of the emotional all of that change all of the emotional ups and downs that I experien was really ups and downs that I experien was really ups and downs that I experien was really clinging to the Lord it really was clinging to the Lord it really was clinging to the Lord it really was seeking to find my identity in Christ seeking to find my identity in Christ seeking to find my identity in Christ and and understanding my adoption right and and understanding my adoption right and and understanding my adoption right that that Jesus my brother has made a that that Jesus my brother has made a that that Jesus my brother has made a way for me to have a father that will way for me to have a father that will way for me to have a father that will never leave me that will never forsake

never leave me that will never forsake never leave me that will never forsake me um that has really stabilized me but me um that has really stabilized me but me um that has really stabilized me but also not only do we have to have that also not only do we have to have that also not only do we have to have that vertical relationship we still have to vertical relationship we still have to vertical relationship we still have to deal with the horizontal relationships deal with the horizontal relationships deal with the horizontal relationships and so you know it really has looked and so you know it really has looked and so you know it really has looked like praying for my parents and like praying for my parents and like praying for my parents and realizing that even forgiveness even realizing that even forgiveness even realizing that even forgiveness even this letting go of this Justice which is this letting go of this Justice which is this letting go of this Justice which is like it's right you know this isn't the like it's right you know this isn't the like it's right you know this isn't the way that God intended for it to be um so way that God intended for it to be um so way that God intended for it to be um so I'm calling to let let this go but I I'm calling to let let this go but I I'm calling to let let this go but I then need to keep letting it then need to keep letting it then need to keep letting it go you know I don't know if anyone is go you know I don't know if anyone is go you know I don't know if anyone is dealt with forgiveness but it's not a dealt with forgiveness but it's not a dealt with forgiveness but it's not a oneand done you know it's it's you know oneand done you know it's it's you know oneand done you know it's it's you know it's a continual because sometimes it's a continual because sometimes it's a continual because sometimes especially when the relationship is especially when the relationship is especially when the relationship is close enough that wound continues to be close enough that wound continues to be close enough that wound continues to be opened in certain ways um sometimes you opened in certain ways um sometimes you opened in certain ways um sometimes you have to create boundaries that are have to create boundaries that are have to create boundaries that are helpful for you so learning to forgive helpful for you so learning to forgive helpful for you so learning to forgive over and over again 70 times seven over and over again 70 times seven over and over again 70 times seven asking God for help calling out crying asking God for help calling out crying asking God for help calling out crying out to God praying for my parents um you out to God praying for my parents um you out to God praying for my parents um you know and asking God to do in them uh know and asking God to do in them uh know and asking God to do in them uh what only he can do you know they don't what only he can do you know they don't what only he can do you know they don't have it in them you know and I don't have it in them you know and I don't have it in them you know and I don't have it in me right to forgive to the have it in me right to forgive to the have it in me right to forgive to the extent that God is calling me to um so extent that God is calling me to um so extent that God is calling me to um so really depending upon the Lord and I really depending upon the Lord and I really depending upon the Lord and I found the Lord to show up and give me found the Lord to show up and give me found the Lord to show up and give me the grace to be able to love and extend the grace to be able to love and extend the grace to be able to love and extend love and the love of Christ to them love and the love of Christ to them love and the love of Christ to them specifically um so yeah so that's some specifically um so yeah so that's some specifically um so yeah so that's some of what I would what I would encourage of what I would what I would encourage of what I would what I would encourage is praying for those who have hurt you

is praying for those who have hurt you is praying for those who have hurt you and continuing to forgive again and and continuing to forgive again and and continuing to forgive again and again by God's help again by God's help again by God's help amen let's talk now um to just the amen let's talk now um to just the amen let's talk now um to just the church Community um you guys have church Community um you guys have church Community um you guys have already alluded to the reality that um already alluded to the reality that um already alluded to the reality that um to be divorced in church feels shameful to be divorced in church feels shameful to be divorced in church feels shameful or feels heavy how can churches Minister or feels heavy how can churches Minister or feels heavy how can churches Minister Wendy why don't you start us how can Wendy why don't you start us how can Wendy why don't you start us how can churches Minister well to a family is churches Minister well to a family is churches Minister well to a family is affected by divorce yeah I I was in a affected by divorce yeah I I was in a affected by divorce yeah I I was in a good situation and I I've talked to my good situation and I I've talked to my good situation and I I've talked to my pastors about leading pastors about leading pastors about leading pastoral workshops on this because I I pastoral workshops on this because I I pastoral workshops on this because I I really I number one I had a very really I number one I had a very really I number one I had a very complicated sis uh situation that complicated sis uh situation that complicated sis uh situation that involved schizophrenia and I did not involved schizophrenia and I did not involved schizophrenia and I did not know how to navigate it but I had um an know how to navigate it but I had um an know how to navigate it but I had um an elder at our church who was a lawyer and elder at our church who was a lawyer and elder at our church who was a lawyer and he got me with a Christian divorce he got me with a Christian divorce he got me with a Christian divorce lawyer in um his practice and that Elder lawyer in um his practice and that Elder lawyer in um his practice and that Elder and that Christian divorce lawyer and my and that Christian divorce lawyer and my and that Christian divorce lawyer and my pastor all sat down with me around a pastor all sat down with me around a pastor all sat down with me around a table in the conference room at the law table in the conference room at the law table in the conference room at the law offices and we just talked through offices and we just talked through offices and we just talked through everything everything everything and they were the kind of men that gave and they were the kind of men that gave and they were the kind of men that gave me permission to be honest and told me me permission to be honest and told me me permission to be honest and told me that they were not pushing me and and that they were not pushing me and and that they were not pushing me and and our my particular situation was I think our my particular situation was I think our my particular situation was I think they could see things were going in a they could see things were going in a they could see things were going in a direction that I didn't want to admit direction that I didn't want to admit direction that I didn't want to admit they were going so they were both trying they were going so they were both trying they were going so they were both trying to let me know that I had

to let me know that I had to let me know that I had options um but while also respecting options um but while also respecting options um but while also respecting that I I had to be the one they couldn't that I I had to be the one they couldn't that I I had to be the one they couldn't push me into doing something that I push me into doing something that I push me into doing something that I didn't want to do so I really hope one didn't want to do so I really hope one didn't want to do so I really hope one day they'll make do a pastoral workshop day they'll make do a pastoral workshop day they'll make do a pastoral workshop on it because it was really really on it because it was really really on it because it was really really helpful to me to have them speaking into helpful to me to have them speaking into helpful to me to have them speaking into my life I also had to be willing to let my life I also had to be willing to let my life I also had to be willing to let them speak into my life but um one of them speak into my life but um one of them speak into my life but um one of the things that we've mentioned before I the things that we've mentioned before I the things that we've mentioned before I think it was um one of you talked about think it was um one of you talked about think it was um one of you talked about saying something to somebody even in the saying something to somebody even in the saying something to somebody even in the situation of spiritual abuse is um situation of spiritual abuse is um situation of spiritual abuse is um praying for wisdom for the safe praying for wisdom for the safe praying for wisdom for the safe people um and so there's this phrase people um and so there's this phrase people um and so there's this phrase that um in the gospels of Jesus that he that um in the gospels of Jesus that he that um in the gospels of Jesus that he did not entrust himself to someone did not entrust himself to someone did not entrust himself to someone because he knew what was in the hearts because he knew what was in the hearts because he knew what was in the hearts of men and I've always kept that in the of men and I've always kept that in the of men and I've always kept that in the back of my mind it's like you know I back of my mind it's like you know I back of my mind it's like you know I don't have to trust myself to don't have to trust myself to don't have to trust myself to everyone but when I allow A Spiritual everyone but when I allow A Spiritual everyone but when I allow A Spiritual Authority in my Authority in my Authority in my life um is that probably my phone with life um is that probably my phone with life um is that probably my phone with some type alarm I'm sure I'm supposed to some type alarm I'm sure I'm supposed to some type alarm I'm sure I'm supposed to be doing something with my children be doing something with my children be doing something with my children right right right now they'll understand they'll now they'll understand they'll now they'll understand they'll understand yeah sorry about that but um understand yeah sorry about that but um understand yeah sorry about that but um being uh being wise about who you allow being uh being wise about who you allow being uh being wise about who you allow to speak into your life and so people to speak into your life and so people to speak into your life and so people who love God who love the word I didn't who love God who love the word I didn't who love God who love the word I didn't want to be influenced through this and want to be influenced through this and want to be influenced through this and you can be by people who are skeptical you can be by people who are skeptical you can be by people who are skeptical of God you know who well don't you don't of God you know who well don't you don't of God you know who well don't you don't have to really worry about what God's have to really worry about what God's have to really worry about what God's word says I wanted people who loved God word says I wanted people who loved God word says I wanted people who loved God who loved me and who had a reputation of

who loved me and who had a reputation of who loved me and who had a reputation of being wise in and knowing Christ and and being wise in and knowing Christ and and being wise in and knowing Christ and and Grace and so being wise on who you allow Grace and so being wise on who you allow Grace and so being wise on who you allow to speak into your lives but then allow to speak into your lives but then allow to speak into your lives but then allow them to speak into your life right them to speak into your life right them to speak into your life right that's really helpful Bena what did your that's really helpful Bena what did your that's really helpful Bena what did your church do church do church do well yeah so my um pastor and the elders well yeah so my um pastor and the elders well yeah so my um pastor and the elders were amazing um my um ex-husband had were amazing um my um ex-husband had were amazing um my um ex-husband had church church church discipline and I didn't um I was just discipline and I didn't um I was just discipline and I didn't um I was just not ready to file for divorce and um my not ready to file for divorce and um my not ready to file for divorce and um my pastor and the elders kept coming to me pastor and the elders kept coming to me pastor and the elders kept coming to me like hey you know you can get divorced like hey you know you can get divorced like hey you know you can get divorced like we are not holding you back from like we are not holding you back from like we are not holding you back from that because I think they were worried that because I think they were worried that because I think they were worried that I was feeling like wow I shouldn't that I was feeling like wow I shouldn't that I was feeling like wow I shouldn't do this so they were super supportive I do this so they were super supportive I do this so they were super supportive I mean one of the things our pastor did um mean one of the things our pastor did um mean one of the things our pastor did um because I I have a disability as well so because I I have a disability as well so because I I have a disability as well so I had these um adolescent daughters and I had these um adolescent daughters and I had these um adolescent daughters and he organized a committee of people from he organized a committee of people from he organized a committee of people from our church and they all had different our church and they all had different our church and they all had different roles like we had prayer meetings in our roles like we had prayer meetings in our roles like we had prayer meetings in our house like people would just come over house like people would just come over house like people would just come over and they're like we're coming to pray and they're like we're coming to pray and they're like we're coming to pray for you and like 10 people would be for you and like 10 people would be for you and like 10 people would be there and um people came over to change there and um people came over to change there and um people came over to change light bulbs mow my grass I mean so there light bulbs mow my grass I mean so there light bulbs mow my grass I mean so there was amazing things the church did for me was amazing things the church did for me was amazing things the church did for me um but as we talked about Jen there were um but as we talked about Jen there were um but as we talked about Jen there were um there were some really hard things in um there were some really hard things in um there were some really hard things in the church too so I mean I had an the church too so I mean I had an the church too so I mean I had an amazing church but there was a lot of amazing church but there was a lot of amazing church but there was a lot of hard um Somebody went to my pastor and hard um Somebody went to my pastor and hard um Somebody went to my pastor and said I didn't have a right to keep said I didn't have a right to keep said I didn't have a right to keep teaching women's Bible study cuz um my teaching women's Bible study cuz um my teaching women's Bible study cuz um my husband had left and it was just like husband had left and it was just like husband had left and it was just like like wow and my pastor said I did but

like wow and my pastor said I did but like wow and my pastor said I did but just knowing that there were people in just knowing that there were people in just knowing that there were people in the church that felt like yeah I don't the church that felt like yeah I don't the church that felt like yeah I don't have a role in the church anymore and um have a role in the church anymore and um have a role in the church anymore and um I think one of the hardest things was I think one of the hardest things was I think one of the hardest things was for my kids because um One time my for my kids because um One time my for my kids because um One time my daughter said she was in the bathroom daughter said she was in the bathroom daughter said she was in the bathroom and people didn't know that she was in and people didn't know that she was in and people didn't know that she was in there and she heard some kids walking in there and she heard some kids walking in there and she heard some kids walking in and talking about our family and our and talking about our family and our and talking about our family and our situation and things that they really situation and things that they really situation and things that they really shouldn't have known about but they shouldn't have known about but they shouldn't have known about but they probably heard it from their parents probably heard it from their parents probably heard it from their parents being concerned and talking about it so being concerned and talking about it so being concerned and talking about it so I wasn't really angry about that but I wasn't really angry about that but I wasn't really angry about that but just to have your child hear other just to have your child hear other just to have your child hear other people talking about your family and how people talking about your family and how people talking about your family and how everybody thought they used to be great everybody thought they used to be great everybody thought they used to be great and they were surprised and you know and they were surprised and you know and they were surprised and you know that was just so painful and my kids that was just so painful and my kids that was just so painful and my kids really pulled away it was just hard for really pulled away it was just hard for really pulled away it was just hard for them to have been part of this family them to have been part of this family them to have been part of this family that everybody knew um and then that everybody knew um and then that everybody knew um and then wondering what had happened cuz I wasn't wondering what had happened cuz I wasn't wondering what had happened cuz I wasn't telling people what had happened so telling people what had happened so telling people what had happened so there was a lot of questions about that there was a lot of questions about that there was a lot of questions about that so I would say that was pretty hard and so I would say that was pretty hard and so I would say that was pretty hard and then the other thing that was hard was then the other thing that was hard was then the other thing that was hard was everybody came around me but people everybody came around me but people everybody came around me but people didn't come around my kids they wanted didn't come around my kids they wanted didn't come around my kids they wanted my kids to be good for me and I don't my kids to be good for me and I don't my kids to be good for me and I don't know you guys might have experienced know you guys might have experienced know you guys might have experienced that too like everybody was thinking my that too like everybody was thinking my that too like everybody was thinking my kids were the problem cuz my kids both kids were the problem cuz my kids both kids were the problem cuz my kids both rebelled and everybody looked at them rebelled and everybody looked at them rebelled and everybody looked at them like why aren't you making your moms like why aren't you making your moms like why aren't you making your moms like easier and later I talked to my like easier and later I talked to my like easier and later I talked to my daughters and they're like it wasn't daughters and they're like it wasn't daughters and they're like it wasn't even like we had a life like they didn't even like we had a life like they didn't even like we had a life like they didn't care what we had been through it was care what we had been through it was care what we had been through it was just are we there for you me and so you just are we there for you me and so you just are we there for you me and so you know there was just a lot of hard things know there was just a lot of hard things know there was just a lot of hard things through that but but yeah so but I was through that but but yeah so but I was through that but but yeah so but I was very grateful for what our church did

very grateful for what our church did very grateful for what our church did yeah Blair what would be a more yeah Blair what would be a more yeah Blair what would be a more appropriate way for a church to respond appropriate way for a church to respond appropriate way for a church to respond to kids walking through something like to kids walking through something like to kids walking through something like that yeah um well and before I get there that yeah um well and before I get there that yeah um well and before I get there one of the things that I'm hearing even one of the things that I'm hearing even one of the things that I'm hearing even both of you guys saying and we know both of you guys saying and we know both of you guys saying and we know there's no perfect church but I was there's no perfect church but I was there's no perfect church but I was thinking about how important it is for thinking about how important it is for thinking about how important it is for us to be wise when we choose a us to be wise when we choose a us to be wise when we choose a church you know you're talking about church you know you're talking about church you know you're talking about church discipline and you know sometimes church discipline and you know sometimes church discipline and you know sometimes those are things that we can be really those are things that we can be really those are things that we can be really nervous about like I don't know this nervous about like I don't know this nervous about like I don't know this Church does church discipline but Church does church discipline but Church does church discipline but membership and church discipline are membership and church discipline are membership and church discipline are good things you know these are means of good things you know these are means of good things you know these are means of Grace God has established uh in Matthew Grace God has established uh in Matthew Grace God has established uh in Matthew 18 for our good and when things are 18 for our good and when things are 18 for our good and when things are going great it feels like well why do we going great it feels like well why do we going great it feels like well why do we need this or why do we need to focus on need this or why do we need to focus on need this or why do we need to focus on that um but then when things are not that um but then when things are not that um but then when things are not going great we're grateful when those going great we're grateful when those going great we're grateful when those those are in place um when those helpes those are in place um when those helpes those are in place um when those helpes are in place for us so I wanted to say are in place for us so I wanted to say are in place for us so I wanted to say that um and with my experience one of that um and with my experience one of that um and with my experience one of the things that um was my case was I was the things that um was my case was I was the things that um was my case was I was a part of a church for the first time it a part of a church for the first time it a part of a church for the first time it was actually a Congregational Church was actually a Congregational Church was actually a Congregational Church very healthy church I came from a very healthy church I came from a very healthy church I came from a abusive spiritually abusive Church abusive spiritually abusive Church abusive spiritually abusive Church situation to a very healthy Church situation to a very healthy Church situation to a very healthy Church situation um and it was the first time situation um and it was the first time situation um and it was the first time that I was able to be really welcomed in that I was able to be really welcomed in that I was able to be really welcomed in to the church Community um I was able to to the church Community um I was able to to the church Community um I was able to stay with a family you know so being you stay with a family you know so being you stay with a family you know so being you know a father this child um certainly know a father this child um certainly know a father this child um certainly there are certain things that I missed there are certain things that I missed there are certain things that I missed growing up you know there are practical

growing up you know there are practical growing up you know there are practical things how to change atire you know um things how to change atire you know um things how to change atire you know um but also things like sitting around the but also things like sitting around the but also things like sitting around the dinner table and having family worship dinner table and having family worship dinner table and having family worship those are just things that I had never those are just things that I had never those are just things that I had never experienced um because my mom was experienced um because my mom was experienced um because my mom was working we were latchkey kids um and so working we were latchkey kids um and so working we were latchkey kids um and so to be welcomed into this family um where to be welcomed into this family um where to be welcomed into this family um where this Texan pastor with his cowboy boots this Texan pastor with his cowboy boots this Texan pastor with his cowboy boots and his guitar said come on around here and his guitar said come on around here and his guitar said come on around here you know we're going to sing Holy Holy you know we're going to sing Holy Holy you know we're going to sing Holy Holy Holy you know um but it was really sweet Holy you know um but it was really sweet Holy you know um but it was really sweet and to observe you know this wife loving and to observe you know this wife loving and to observe you know this wife loving and respecting her husband um it was a and respecting her husband um it was a and respecting her husband um it was a sweet treat for me and one of the things sweet treat for me and one of the things sweet treat for me and one of the things that we see in scripture is God's heart that we see in scripture is God's heart that we see in scripture is God's heart for the fatherless child God has a heart for the fatherless child God has a heart for the fatherless child God has a heart for children right who don't have the for children right who don't have the for children right who don't have the proper care and he has given the proper care and he has given the proper care and he has given the responsibility to the church to have responsibility to the church to have responsibility to the church to have that heart too we see in James right that heart too we see in James right that heart too we see in James right true religion is caring for widows and true religion is caring for widows and true religion is caring for widows and caring for Orphans and so this church caring for Orphans and so this church caring for Orphans and so this church was a great model of that to me and it was a great model of that to me and it was a great model of that to me and it has helped me you know it was a couple has helped me you know it was a couple has helped me you know it was a couple months before I got married and I was months before I got married and I was months before I got married and I was stepping into marriage like I don't know stepping into marriage like I don't know stepping into marriage like I don't know what I'm doing you know and I was really what I'm doing you know and I was really what I'm doing you know and I was really nervous about repeating those Cycles nervous about repeating those Cycles nervous about repeating those Cycles right of Brokenness that I had right of Brokenness that I had right of Brokenness that I had experienced so you know I think being experienced so you know I think being experienced so you know I think being the church being around a healthy the church being around a healthy the church being around a healthy environment where people are coming environment where people are coming environment where people are coming alongside not perfectly um but you know alongside not perfectly um but you know alongside not perfectly um but you know that these are people who do have your that these are people who do have your that these are people who do have your good interest at heart um was a real good interest at heart um was a real good interest at heart um was a real help to me I think a theme that I'm

help to me I think a theme that I'm help to me I think a theme that I'm hearing with all of you that I certainly hearing with all of you that I certainly hearing with all of you that I certainly experienced as well is just being experienced as well is just being experienced as well is just being welcomed in by other families um I think welcomed in by other families um I think welcomed in by other families um I think a lot of times in this current cultural a lot of times in this current cultural a lot of times in this current cultural moment we are so afraid to say the wrong moment we are so afraid to say the wrong moment we are so afraid to say the wrong thing or we're so afraid to inter you thing or we're so afraid to inter you thing or we're so afraid to inter you know interject ourselves where we might know interject ourselves where we might know interject ourselves where we might not be wanted and of course we want to not be wanted and of course we want to not be wanted and of course we want to approach situations with care and approach situations with care and approach situations with care and respect and some appropriate hesitation respect and some appropriate hesitation respect and some appropriate hesitation but not to the point where we don't act but not to the point where we don't act but not to the point where we don't act like family to each other um and for my like family to each other um and for my like family to each other um and for my husband and I who went through so much husband and I who went through so much husband and I who went through so much Brokenness and divorce as children I Brokenness and divorce as children I Brokenness and divorce as children I think the most restorative thing that we think the most restorative thing that we think the most restorative thing that we experienced was being around the table experienced was being around the table experienced was being around the table of other families where there was health of other families where there was health of other families where there was health and there was Unity um we were just and there was Unity um we were just and there was Unity um we were just mentored and discipled deeply in the mentored and discipled deeply in the mentored and discipled deeply in the homes of other people and so I guess I homes of other people and so I guess I homes of other people and so I guess I want to encourage us to not shy away want to encourage us to not shy away want to encourage us to not shy away from that yeah and um it's been really from that yeah and um it's been really from that yeah and um it's been really meaningful to my teen teenage boys um meaningful to my teen teenage boys um meaningful to my teen teenage boys um because I we've had this conversation because I we've had this conversation because I we've had this conversation over the years sometimes they'll see a over the years sometimes they'll see a over the years sometimes they'll see a family and they're like well I wish I family and they're like well I wish I family and they're like well I wish I had a dad like that and I say you don't had a dad like that and I say you don't had a dad like that and I say you don't have a dad like that but one day you have a dad like that but one day you have a dad like that but one day you will be a dad like that and those will be a dad like that and those will be a dad like that and those families have welcomed my children in families have welcomed my children in families have welcomed my children in and in our church we have a little and in our church we have a little and in our church we have a little Multicultural church plan and I think we Multicultural church plan and I think we Multicultural church plan and I think we might have five um St what we what you might have five um St what we what you might have five um St what we what you might call traditional stable married might call traditional stable married might call traditional stable married couples and probably six single moms so couples and probably six single moms so couples and probably six single moms so the S the kids of the single moms way the S the kids of the single moms way the S the kids of the single moms way more than the kids of the two parent

more than the kids of the two parent more than the kids of the two parent households but the dads um have done households but the dads um have done households but the dads um have done such a good job like like we're family such a good job like like we're family such a good job like like we're family and so they take my kids my I I was out and so they take my kids my I I was out and so they take my kids my I I was out of town last weekend and called my son of town last weekend and called my son of town last weekend and called my son he's like oh yeah I'm welding with Mr he's like oh yeah I'm welding with Mr he's like oh yeah I'm welding with Mr Paul I'm like oh and I volunteered at Paul I'm like oh and I volunteered at Paul I'm like oh and I volunteered at church this morning with them and like I church this morning with them and like I church this morning with them and like I didn't even know there was a church didn't even know there was a church didn't even know there was a church volunteer option or that Mr Paul had volunteer option or that Mr Paul had volunteer option or that Mr Paul had welding equipment welding equipment welding equipment so and it was really beautiful and so we so and it was really beautiful and so we so and it was really beautiful and so we have we do have a family and we do we have we do have a family and we do we have we do have a family and we do we have our Father in heaven but we have uh have our Father in heaven but we have uh have our Father in heaven but we have uh fathers in the church too and so a fathers in the church too and so a fathers in the church too and so a church can open themselves up and you church can open themselves up and you church can open themselves up and you can experience stable family life even can experience stable family life even can experience stable family life even as a single parent household right and as a single parent household right and as a single parent household right and you know for me uh that really weaves you know for me uh that really weaves you know for me uh that really weaves into the theme of bitterness and into the theme of bitterness and into the theme of bitterness and forgiveness so for me it has been um forgiveness so for me it has been um forgiveness so for me it has been um really helpful as I heal and forgive and really helpful as I heal and forgive and really helpful as I heal and forgive and relinquish my parents from some of the relinquish my parents from some of the relinquish my parents from some of the wounds that I endured because of their wounds that I endured because of their wounds that I endured because of their divorce um because of the spiritual divorce um because of the spiritual divorce um because of the spiritual mothers and the spiritual fathers that mothers and the spiritual fathers that mothers and the spiritual fathers that have come into my life I haven't um I have come into my life I haven't um I have come into my life I haven't um I haven't then had to sort of inflict on haven't then had to sort of inflict on haven't then had to sort of inflict on my mom and dad that expectation of my mom and dad that expectation of my mom and dad that expectation of something they can't provide me with but something they can't provide me with but something they can't provide me with but the spiritual mom and the spiritual dad the spiritual mom and the spiritual dad the spiritual mom and the spiritual dad can and that's what the Lord intended so can and that's what the Lord intended so can and that's what the Lord intended so it's really sweet um well I want to get it's really sweet um well I want to get it's really sweet um well I want to get us kind of to the end and share some us kind of to the end and share some us kind of to the end and share some book titles and some gospel hope we book titles and some gospel hope we book titles and some gospel hope we always want to close out with gospel always want to close out with gospel always want to close out with gospel hope for you guys but anything else that

hope for you guys but anything else that hope for you guys but anything else that you've been you're burning to say I want you've been you're burning to say I want you've been you're burning to say I want to make sure we get it covered one thing to make sure we get it covered one thing to make sure we get it covered one thing that to add on to what you said is don't that to add on to what you said is don't that to add on to what you said is don't discount our own as single moms or discount our own as single moms or discount our own as single moms or single women or or women involved in single women or or women involved in single women or or women involved in situations of divorce to speak into both situations of divorce to speak into both situations of divorce to speak into both other singles and other married couples other singles and other married couples other singles and other married couples we have wisdom to offer still and we we have wisdom to offer still and we we have wisdom to offer still and we have not become a second class citizen have not become a second class citizen have not become a second class citizen in the church who whose message is in the church who whose message is in the church who whose message is discounted I preach and and I would say discounted I preach and and I would say discounted I preach and and I would say um if you were here walking with someone um if you were here walking with someone um if you were here walking with someone who's going through a divorce I would who's going through a divorce I would who's going through a divorce I would say invite their family over as we just say invite their family over as we just say invite their family over as we just talked about as much as you can and if talked about as much as you can and if talked about as much as you can and if you are going through it just be willing you are going through it just be willing you are going through it just be willing to say hey I don't know where I'm going to say hey I don't know where I'm going to say hey I don't know where I'm going for Thanksgiving like just willing to be for Thanksgiving like just willing to be for Thanksgiving like just willing to be willing to put that out there cuz so willing to put that out there cuz so willing to put that out there cuz so often we don't want to say that often we don't want to say that often we don't want to say that and we're alone and um it was and we're alone and um it was and we're alone and um it was interesting my my da one of my daughters interesting my my da one of my daughters interesting my my da one of my daughters just got married and she was showing me just got married and she was showing me just got married and she was showing me some of her thank you notes because yeah some of her thank you notes because yeah some of her thank you notes because yeah anyway and she had written um to a lot anyway and she had written um to a lot anyway and she had written um to a lot of the people that had invited us in she of the people that had invited us in she of the people that had invited us in she wrote when my dad left thank you so much wrote when my dad left thank you so much wrote when my dad left thank you so much for having us in and I was like wow that for having us in and I was like wow that for having us in and I was like wow that was 15 years ago and she wrote that in was 15 years ago and she wrote that in was 15 years ago and she wrote that in that thank you note two weeks ago so it that thank you note two weeks ago so it that thank you note two weeks ago so it makes a big difference um to be bold makes a big difference um to be bold makes a big difference um to be bold enough to ask and as well as to offer it enough to ask and as well as to offer it enough to ask and as well as to offer it it's good I would just say even as it's good I would just say even as it's good I would just say even as children you know to make sure that children you know to make sure that children you know to make sure that you're bringing your concerns before God you're bringing your concerns before God you're bringing your concerns before God I think sometimes you know the children I think sometimes you know the children I think sometimes you know the children they can get lost in all that's

they can get lost in all that's they can get lost in all that's happening and people assume that it's happening and people assume that it's happening and people assume that it's only the two married people right that only the two married people right that only the two married people right that need to work through things but as a need to work through things but as a need to work through things but as a child you can lament you can pour out child you can lament you can pour out child you can lament you can pour out your heart before the Lord and then I'll your heart before the Lord and then I'll your heart before the Lord and then I'll encourage you too to not be motivated by encourage you too to not be motivated by encourage you too to not be motivated by fear you know because of my broken home fear you know because of my broken home fear you know because of my broken home even before even before even before stepping into the idea of marriage I had stepping into the idea of marriage I had stepping into the idea of marriage I had so much fear fear that I would repeat so much fear fear that I would repeat so much fear fear that I would repeat the same cycles and you know the gospel the same cycles and you know the gospel the same cycles and you know the gospel tells us that we don't have to repeat tells us that we don't have to repeat tells us that we don't have to repeat those same Cycles um that there is hope those same Cycles um that there is hope those same Cycles um that there is hope right that all things can be made new right that all things can be made new right that all things can be made new but we have to deal with the hard things but we have to deal with the hard things but we have to deal with the hard things it's not enough just to say I know I it's not enough just to say I know I it's not enough just to say I know I don't want to repeat those patterns we don't want to repeat those patterns we don't want to repeat those patterns we have to actually deal with it we have to have to actually deal with it we have to have to actually deal with it we have to cast it over to the Lord so that we can cast it over to the Lord so that we can cast it over to the Lord so that we can walk forward in a in taking A New Path walk forward in a in taking A New Path walk forward in a in taking A New Path but also I want to say but also I want to say but also I want to say even if you have repeated those even if you have repeated those even if you have repeated those Cycles there is Gospel Hope For You am Cycles there is Gospel Hope For You am Cycles there is Gospel Hope For You am do not allow condemnation or shame to do not allow condemnation or shame to do not allow condemnation or shame to keep you from who you are in Christ keep you from who you are in Christ keep you from who you are in Christ because you have been reconciled to God because you have been reconciled to God because you have been reconciled to God through Christ and you are seated with through Christ and you are seated with through Christ and you are seated with him in the Heavenly places that will him in the Heavenly places that will him in the Heavenly places that will never change this is not an unpardonable never change this is not an unpardonable never change this is not an unpardonable sin do you know what I mean M it will sin do you know what I mean M it will sin do you know what I mean M it will never change so stand firm in who you never change so stand firm in who you never change so stand firm in who you are your go El identity as a Believer are your go El identity as a Believer are your go El identity as a Believer yep and and the place that I was most um yep and and the place that I was most um yep and and the place that I was most um struck with gospel identity need was struck with gospel identity need was struck with gospel identity need was with the pain of my children and so I

with the pain of my children and so I with the pain of my children and so I wanted to talk them out of their pain I wanted to talk them out of their pain I wanted to talk them out of their pain I wanted to explain why they what I why I wanted to explain why they what I why I wanted to explain why they what I why I had to do this thing that led to this had to do this thing that led to this had to do this thing that led to this pain but it was really good for me to pain but it was really good for me to pain but it was really good for me to realize that that pain was in a realize that that pain was in a realize that that pain was in a condemnation of me and for me just to condemnation of me and for me just to condemnation of me and for me just to Lament with them I didn't have to Lament with them I didn't have to Lament with them I didn't have to discount it I could just say yeah it it discount it I could just say yeah it it discount it I could just say yeah it it this is really hard and I am so sorry this is really hard and I am so sorry this is really hard and I am so sorry you're feeling this pain and let's bring you're feeling this pain and let's bring you're feeling this pain and let's bring it together to God because this really it together to God because this really it together to God because this really stinks and not let it threaten my stinks and not let it threaten my stinks and not let it threaten my identity as a good mom and and that was identity as a good mom and and that was identity as a good mom and and that was a fork in the road that I was counseled a fork in the road that I was counseled a fork in the road that I was counseled to take and it ended up being for the to take and it ended up being for the to take and it ended up being for the health of me and my children to be able health of me and my children to be able health of me and my children to be able to lament together instead of me being to lament together instead of me being to lament together instead of me being threatened by their pain threatened by their pain threatened by their pain huge anything else Vena that you want to huge anything else Vena that you want to huge anything else Vena that you want to add to that um no these are our final add to that um no these are our final add to that um no these are our final words kind of thing okay well I would words kind of thing okay well I would words kind of thing okay well I would say my final word is um God is writing a say my final word is um God is writing a say my final word is um God is writing a good story with your life like um I love good story with your life like um I love good story with your life like um I love this quote from Elizabeth Elliot which this quote from Elizabeth Elliot which this quote from Elizabeth Elliot which is of one thing I am perfectly sure is of one thing I am perfectly sure is of one thing I am perfectly sure God's story never ends with ashes so God's story never ends with ashes so God's story never ends with ashes so your story will not end with ashes so your story will not end with ashes so your story will not end with ashes so just I thought it would yeah when I got just I thought it would yeah when I got just I thought it would yeah when I got divorced I thought this is not a good divorced I thought this is not a good divorced I thought this is not a good story and yet that that would be my story and yet that that would be my story and yet that that would be my encouragement just lean into Jesus he's encouragement just lean into Jesus he's encouragement just lean into Jesus he's doing something beautiful in your life doing something beautiful in your life doing something beautiful in your life yeah can I can I I wanted to read Isaiah yeah can I can I I wanted to read Isaiah yeah can I can I I wanted to read Isaiah 63 um is it Isaiah 63 verse

63 um is it Isaiah 63 verse 63 um is it Isaiah 63 verse three uh let me see three uh let me see three uh let me see here 61 61 verse3 that's what it is let here 61 61 verse3 that's what it is let here 61 61 verse3 that's what it is let me read that here um to comfort all who me read that here um to comfort all who me read that here um to comfort all who mourn to provide for those who mourn and mourn to provide for those who mourn and mourn to provide for those who mourn and Zion to give them a crown of beauty Zion to give them a crown of beauty Zion to give them a crown of beauty instead of Ashes festive oil instead of instead of Ashes festive oil instead of instead of Ashes festive oil instead of mourning and Splendid clothes instead of mourning and Splendid clothes instead of mourning and Splendid clothes instead of Despair and they will be called Despair and they will be called Despair and they will be called righteous trees planted by the Lord to righteous trees planted by the Lord to righteous trees planted by the Lord to glorify glorify glorify him that is a good word thank you Blair him that is a good word thank you Blair him that is a good word thank you Blair okay well our time is up but I want to okay well our time is up but I want to okay well our time is up but I want to encourage you to visit the bookstore encourage you to visit the bookstore encourage you to visit the bookstore Wendy has written a book called I Wendy has written a book called I Wendy has written a book called I forgive you ven has a book called forgive you ven has a book called forgive you ven has a book called Walking Through Fire and Blair has a Walking Through Fire and Blair has a Walking Through Fire and Blair has a book called Finding my father and all of book called Finding my father and all of book called Finding my father and all of them are very related to this particular them are very related to this particular them are very related to this particular topic so make sure you grab hold of topic so make sure you grab hold of topic so make sure you grab hold of those and let me just briefly close us those and let me just briefly close us those and let me just briefly close us in in in prayer God in heaven we are thankful for prayer God in heaven we are thankful for prayer God in heaven we are thankful for you and we are thankful for the you and we are thankful for the you and we are thankful for the Forgiveness that you have given us Lord Forgiveness that you have given us Lord Forgiveness that you have given us Lord as we have forgiven would you help us to as we have forgiven would you help us to as we have forgiven would you help us to forgive I pray for every woman in here forgive I pray for every woman in here forgive I pray for every woman in here for wisdom for grace for truth Lord you for wisdom for grace for truth Lord you for wisdom for grace for truth Lord you know the story of every woman in these know the story of every woman in these know the story of every woman in these seats God would you lead her and as seats God would you lead her and as seats God would you lead her and as Blair has said um and Vena and Wendy as Blair has said um and Vena and Wendy as Blair has said um and Vena and Wendy as they have pointed us to you over and they have pointed us to you over and they have pointed us to you over and over and over our stories are not over over and over our stories are not over over and over our stories are not over yet you are a resurrection God lord so yet you are a resurrection God lord so yet you are a resurrection God lord so would you bring that which is dead to would you bring that which is dead to would you bring that which is dead to life we pray in Jesus name amen we hope life we pray in Jesus name amen we hope life we pray in Jesus name amen we hope you enjoyed this video who's someone you you enjoyed this video who's someone you you enjoyed this video who's someone you know that would also be encouraged by it

know that would also be encouraged by it know that would also be encouraged by it you should send this to them the Gospel you should send this to them the Gospel you should send this to them the Gospel Coalition provides trusted timely and Coalition provides trusted timely and Coalition provides trusted timely and gospel centered resources to help each gospel centered resources to help each gospel centered resources to help each of us in our ministry and our life so of us in our ministry and our life so of us in our ministry and our life so join in that mission and share this join in that mission and share this join in that mission and share this video with a friend